to ask people not to touch toddlers not related to them?

[evalyn]

Out yesterday with DGC. DGC walking, within grabbing distance, but not holding hands. Middle aged woman, 'Aah, gorgeous!', gently ruffles DGC's hair, smiles broadly at me. DGC shrinks away. I say to this woman, 'Yes, but you shouldn't touch, please.' Woman sniffs, nose in air, walks off in huff.

AIBU to think that even 2-year-olds have the right not to be touched at all, however affectionately, by strangers? And to be really annoyed that this woman thinks she has the right to ruffle my DGC's hair like that?

This has to be a reverse, surely?

*of

Well if someone came up to me, ruffled my hair and said I was gorgeous I might think they were a little dd but i don't think I'd feel I'd been assaulted. I think it would make me smile.
I think you are being unreasonable.
I agree with others, this kind of thing just makes me sad. A friendly gesture and she gets her head bitten off.
I like other people engaging with my children. I think it good to see other people care about them.

Quint
I was just thinking the same about you
You sound a little bit grumpy

I think your reaction was unreasonable but I can understand your point. Then again, I'm a germaphobe with a five-month-old PFB, and I've only just stopped hosing people down (myself included) with antibacterial gel whenever they come near her...

A social setting is different from a stranger on the street though.

I think giving a child a hug or a piggy back is fine, when the child consents to it. The DGC didn't consent to being touched. Consent is pretty easy to understand, surely?

There are some situations where people can't consent, such as being pulled from in front of a car or operated on when unconscious and we all accept those. Same goes for kids. They're younger and smaller, but not less worthy of respect because of that.

I think if one particular toddler doesn't like being touched it's fine to smile and explain they don't like it. But as a general rule a friendly hair ruffle, tummy rub or hand touch is fine. My toddler/preschooler enjoys these interactions and so do the people talking to him.

Absolutely Saucy but that's not what OP did. She was very rude to a woman who was trying to be kind.

Human contact is actually very important for all of our mental and physical health. Some children don't like it, my DS1 is one of them, but that's very much his (my) issue to overcome/manage. It shouldn't mean all of society is deprived of it.

I dont disagree with you insancerre

I was assuming she had grabbed, slapped, assaulted the child . A hair ruffle ... really ? He won't be that cute for long , make the most of it. Do you have anxiety issues op?

Yanbu about strangers touching children. But familiar adults are ok IMO, they don't have to be related.

It's actually something that really pisses me off. People should respect personal space. I have put myself between my dd and other people to stop them touching her. She hates being touched and shouldn't have to put up with it.

I don't think you were being unreasonable, but there are nicer ways to gently remove your child from the situation. I realise those are hard to think of in the moment though.

For very good reasons, my toddler does not at all like being touched by strangers. She is perfectly comfortable with touch and hugs from family and close friends. I firmly let people know it's "hands off" until they know her well. For us, this is the right thing and I have no qualms about smiling nicely and saying "how kind. She doesn't really like having her head touched though, sorry about that" then moving her away.

quint
I think you need another hour or 2 to re charge your homourometer

What can I say? I'm a selfish daughter

But seriously, I have to keep reminding myself that MN is thankfully nothing like real life. In my world, people don't over react to things like this, they just smile and continue on their way.

Why not just declare an exclusion zone around him?

Okay, maybe the kind lady shouldn't have ruffled his hair and complimented him (although I certainly wouldn't have been annoyed and would actually have felt very proud) but to say "you shouldn't touch, please" was totally OTT and very very rude indeed.

Next time hold his hand and then you can make sure and pull him behind your back any time nice people look like they may interact with him.

I find it very strange to complain about a lady making a very nice remark and to overreact so nastily. I'm not at all surprised she wanted to get away from you so quickly.

"What about when a toddler touches me? It's abuse." An equally stupid thing to say.

I was being facetious.

I run a toddler group. I touch toddlers all the time (sometimes those I've just met), and they touch me. It's the way things run in everyday life for a lot of people. Nobody has ever asked or told me not to touch their child.

You sound like hard work.

As my DS (7) came out of school last week he had to squeeze past his teacher to get through the door.
Quite casually, as he walked past her, she stroked his hair.
And I thought how happy I am that he is in an environment where there is perfectly normal kindness and affection shown to children.

Tactility is not wrong.
Not all tactile actions are sexual or predatory.
People really are losing the plot if they think this sort of thing should be outlawed.

To be honest your reaction was even more unreasonable seeing that you are unlikely to encounter that woman again. A family relation who you regularly see, who has an annoying tendency to ruffle your GCs hair and upset them? Well yes, explaining to them that the child is very sensitive to being touched and doesn't like it would make sense, as this family member may ruffle their hair each time.

But to bite the head off a well meaning stranger is pretty pointless and just serves to reinforce the huge gulf between generations and adds to the breakdown of communities.

I get totally sick of the 'wind your neck in' comments that get posted on MN regularly. We are not allowed to notice or comment on anything we see anymore. No communication, no interaction, just everybody keep your head down and your mouth shut for risk of offending. Then those same people have the audacity to whinge about crime being on the increase and local clubs and schemes no longer running. It's all part of the same circle but you are too dim to see that.

It had better bloody not be another reverse...

I think YABU. I have a child with ASD and related sensory issues. He has the most amazing head of hair and people often ruffle it and say "what a beautiful little boy", indeed he hates it so often reacts quite badly, not always, but sometimes. Mostly, I feel embarrassed for the "ruffler" as they don't anticipate that response. I, on the other hand, think it is important that he gets used to human touch, it helps deal with the sensory issues and in fact, I am very flattered when people are so kind and complimentary about my children. I feel sorry for the lady, she was probably mortified, I know I would be...

Maybe they should make giant hamster balls for toddlers?

Dragon's Den, anyone?

I would buy a toddler hamster ball. Oh yes I would.