to ask people not to touch toddlers not related to them?

[evalyn]

Out yesterday with DGC. DGC walking, within grabbing distance, but not holding hands. Middle aged woman, 'Aah, gorgeous!', gently ruffles DGC's hair, smiles broadly at me. DGC shrinks away. I say to this woman, 'Yes, but you shouldn't touch, please.' Woman sniffs, nose in air, walks off in huff.

AIBU to think that even 2-year-olds have the right not to be touched at all, however affectionately, by strangers? And to be really annoyed that this woman thinks she has the right to ruffle my DGC's hair like that?

I would never be rude or unpleasant to someone who was just being friendly but I can see nothing wrong with letting them know nicely that DS doesnt like it. If he didn't mind then I wouldn't care.

sirchenjin no. There's no problem. Like I've said, he's very happy and sociable but it's his right to not be touched if he doesn't welcome it. It may change in the future and that would be fine but equally it would be fine if it doesn't.

The purpose is to show my son that it's ok to say if you don't like something and to be his voice. Slightly up thread someone stated that they wouldn't care if the child liked it or not, after all they're only 3 (4/5/6...)!

But what if you've got dirty or wet hands and a nice absorbent toddler walks past? Who can resist?

My DS will talk to anyone and is happy to interact them, he just doesn't like someone he doesn't know touching him.

Obviously this is a sign that he will grow up to be a cold mistrustful person (what a load of bollocks).

There is a problem if a normal social interaction such as a gentle, friendly hand on a child's arm or head cannot be tolerated.

OMG! Tiggy it has never crossed my mind to use a passing toddler in such a way!

Thanks a lot for the tip. That's going to come in so useful.

I never touch other people's children.

Other people's children are horrible anyway.

I wouldn't but some people do and they mean no harm. Of course they might have the ebola virus etc or worse.

I have had three very blonde fairly cute children and they always got a lot of attention when very little and out and about. Mostly though people didn't touch.

Once someone has patted a head it's done so not much point saying don't do it again. They might have made the morning for a very lonely old person so a shame to spoil the moment.

Tiggy - a good use of a toddler

The OP might have said she's not coming back. I doubt if someone posting in such an opinionated puffed up way will be able to resist continuing to read though.

Waves copy of the OED at the OP in case she's reading

sirchen maybe, maybe not. At DS 2 yr check I actually brought this up with the hv and she said pretty much the same as me. Some kids are shy, some kids like things that others don't and teaching them early that if they don't want to be touched it's ok, and is not a bad lesson to learn.

I will add that it only happens when we're in the street and suddenly a hand will come out of nowhere and try to tickle or ruffle DSs head. It obviously startles him because he doesn't see it coming.
We have no issues when we go to the docs (and see a different doc every time) or when we're at groups with new people.

It got worse when an elderly man pretended that he was going to take dss ice lolly away and eat it himself. I'm absolutely certain that he was trying to be friendly and funny but he scared my DS. This man got so far as actually taking it out of DSs hand and pretending to eat it. I had to ask him to give it back as he kept trying to make a game of it when anyone with eyes could see that it just wasn't funny. Him then really ruffling DSs hair with his face in DSs face was the final straw and yet I still managed to be polite, even when we passed him in the street 15 minutes later and he made a 'playful' grab for DS.

The type of touching you describe is very different from the OP iron

Taking an ice lolly from an unknown toddler is too much, and quite separate from ruffling a head.

What do you think is to be gained from telling a stranger not to ruffle your son's head? The question is not rhetorical. Is it for your son's benefit? Does he express his displeasure?

I'm the one who said I wouldn't care - I have had toddlers and I can honestly say I never would have gotten upset if either of mine were upset by a ruffled head. It's just one of thousands of things that a toddler gets upset about in a day.

What a hostile person you must be, to be so rude. There's enough hostility in the world without you adding gratuitously and utterly unreasonably to it.
I dread to think what you are teaching your GC. Broken Britain, you are the one who is breaking it.

SirC: a mere concise OED aint gonna impress OP.

Nothing less than the full volume set will do for such an erudite person.

thelovelyboots
All I hope to gain is letting the person know that maybe not all toddlers like being touched. He can't articulate it and I can.
As I said up thread, it's not me that's bothered it's ds, which is his right and at the moment I'm his voice. I'm never rude, unpleasant or aim to upset anyone but why should I stand back and let someone else upset my son?
Ive never had someone look upset or walk off in a huff. They accept it and most of the time just talk to DS instead. Some even comment on how their gc/neighbour child/child they know is also shy.

At what age is it acceptable to indicate that you don't like something? As I've said, I don't want random people touching me just because they want to, the difference is im not 3

At what age is it acceptable to indicate that you don't like something?

Any age. I think a toddler is perfectly capable of letting someone know they don't want to be ruffled. Like I said, stranger ruffles; toddler screeches (maybe steps backwards, whatever); stranger stops. This is the way the scenario always unfolded with my own children.

A stranger being too friendly with a shy toddler is indeed too much, and perhaps cause for a parent to intervene. But the "head ruffle" is the universal toddler greeting, there's no cause for concern.

Katie - you are, of course, quite correct. I fear I displayed both my lack of intellect and penchant for Wikipedia there

We've got an outbreak of lice, and hand, foor and mouth at school. I certainly won't be touching any kids anytime soon. Little carriers. And that includes DS.

Myironlung "not all toddlers like being touched. He can't articulate it and I can".

Really? Most kids are very well able to articulate when they don't like something from a very young age….they tend to yell. A waiter in a restaurant once kissed my youngest daughter's hand. She was 14 months. She spent the next 10 minutes screaming blue murder…..pretty articulately making it clear she didn't like it.

Dearest Evalyn.

Have you gone and gorn? That pains me TBH as my Masters in English Lit can always do with a brushing up from someone as erudite as yourself. Am sad you've done one... look, am THIS

Am also saddened by your observation of 'Being a GP is just delightful in so many ways like this.' and by your cognitive process that resulted in: 'Thinking of that cheers me up and stops me being brought low by the vituperation and sheer nastiness I've come across here on MN AIBU.'

Saddened A: as you seem to want all of that 'delight' for yourself and to deny a perfectly harmless woman who may NOT be as blessed as you (in the GM department) the sheer human joy that comes from something as simple and instinctive as ruffling a toddlers hair...

And saddened B: at the sheer delusional madness that manifests itself as your thoughts. You asked "AIBU?". Lots of people said 'yes'. You then proceeded to correct them all; adding in your own definition of a 'discussion' to boot in order to 'educate' us all as to what a 'discussion' is.

You are quite clearly not just selfish but also, frankly, barking.

And as for your, de facto UBER passive aggressive, 'Best wishes to you all!' having firmly put us thickos in our place, I'd suggest you instead think of all the best wishes you could gift 'your' DGC... as from where I'm sitting, there are many life lessons you could impart to enhance his/her life - if only you knew them yourself however.

pootlebug
By articulate I meant that DS is not able to say nicely that he doent like it, whereas I am. He, like your child did, will get upset.
I wouldn't class "screaming blue murder" as being articulate.

I'm not quite sure what I've said on this thread that's so wrong to make some posters quick to tear apart everything I say...

YANBU. A vagrant put his finger in my sons mouth when he was 5 months old. I don't like strangers touching my child out of the blue as it isn't normal or appropriate, you wouldn't walk up to a woman in a supermarket and start stroking her hair and calling her pretty. It's WEIRD!

If a man came up to me and ruffled my hair I would be annoyed. Why would a child be any different?