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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that if my DH really didn't want another baby he would insist on contraception at all times?

93 replies

deliverdaniel · 21/11/2014 21:03

He is adamant that he doesn't want another child. But yet never insists on preventing one. Is that a chink of light for a baby hungry woman?

OP posts:

LetticeKnollys · 21/11/2014 21:10

I think it's very unfair of him, does he assume you would put yourself through an abortion because he can't be bothered/would rather not use a condom?

If this were me and my DH I would casually drop into conversation that I probably wouldn't and see what his response is/if it makes him take contraception more seriously.

AuntieStella · 21/11/2014 21:10

What exactly do you mean by 'never insists on preventing one'?

Have you and DH discussed and agreed which contraceptive method/s to use for the time being?

FryOneFatManic · 21/11/2014 21:10

There are too many men out there who are happy not to be responsible for contraception but who then bleat about being "trapped" when the woman becomes pregnant.

If a man doesn't want a baby, it's his responsibility to use protection, regardless of any protection that the woman may or may not be using.

Fairenuff · 21/11/2014 21:13

You need an adult conversation about contraception OP.

bloodyteenagers · 21/11/2014 21:26

If he doesn't want a child.
He has 3 options
He never has sex.
He always uses a condom
He has a vasectomy.

If he is not prepared to do the above, and the inevitable happens, he deals with being a parent for the rest of his life.

Contraception should not always be down to the female. It should be down to whoever does not want a child. (Obviously talking long term relationships. Quick flings, one night stands etc, they both play safe).

Chunderella · 21/11/2014 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 21/11/2014 21:51

OP is your dh that stupid?

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 21/11/2014 21:52

What Fry said. This maddens me. It is the responsibility of parents to teach their sons that if they do not want to be a parent they MUST use contraceptives.

Far too many men schlapping it around without considering the consequences.

OP it's not a "chink of light" it's a lazy man. Chundra what are you on about?

OF COURSE "not wanting children" DOES automatically mean someone is responsible for contraception!!

Who is then?

munchkin2902 · 21/11/2014 21:52

It depends on what form if contraception you've agreed on I guess. If you've both agreed you'll take the pill or get injection then I think it's reasonable for him to assume you'll tell him if you stop taking it etc so he can take precautions himself. If you've not spoken about it and he's just can't be bothered then he lives with the consequences!

YellowTulips · 21/11/2014 22:00

Tbh I think you as a couple need to get your shit together.

As adults you need to take joint responsibility rather than engage in a game of pro-creation chicken.

Fairenuff · 21/11/2014 22:02

Is that a chink of light for a baby hungry woman?

It sounds like you are considering allowing yourself to get pregnant even though you know this is against his wishes?

specialsubject · 21/11/2014 22:02

what yellowtulips said, in large letters.

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 21/11/2014 22:02

He knows that I am not on any contraception (I want another baby, and have been totally upfront about this.) We have had fertility issues in the past and i am old so it is unlikely to happen naturally. He has acknowledged that just because it is unlikely to happen that doesn't mean it isn't possible. We have discussed this.

He certainly isn't stupid or lazy, and at times in the past where we definitely didn't want a baby he has taken responsibility for contraception and been meticulous with it. So I am reading the fact that he has stopped doing this as a possible window of light- that he might be at the stage where he isn't prepared to agree to go all out and try for another one or even acknowledge that he is changing his mind, but isn't totally against the idea either. I'm sure wishful thinking.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 21/11/2014 22:05

What does he say though OP? You need to talk to him.

If he is adamant that he doesn't want a child (as per your OP), yet neither of you are using contraception then he is indeed stupid. Very stupid indeed.

traceybaybee · 21/11/2014 22:08

My fwb didnt use contraception (i was on the pill) and when i found out i was pregnant it was all my fault as he said you must not of been taking your pill properly

cerealqueen · 21/11/2014 22:08

How old? If you are still ovulating then you could still get pregnant. You both have heads in the sand.

hiddenhome · 21/11/2014 22:09

I'm just going to suggest that sex can be more exciting if there's a risk of pregnancy.

You can shoot me, but it's true

Bulbasaur · 21/11/2014 22:09

If he can't be bothered to use a rubber, then he can't complain when you have another baby.

You two need to have an adult conversation, no more of this lazy prevention methods and reading into something that might not be there. Me and DH didn't want a baby either. We didn't plan DD, but we were both in agreement that if the worst should happen, we'd keep the baby. I think that's a good place to start.

Fairenuff · 21/11/2014 22:10

They don't both have heads in the sand cereal because OP wants another child. It's her dh that doesn't.

AdoraBell · 21/11/2014 22:11

Talk To him. Don't second guess what his intention, underlying or openly declaren, is.

And what others have said, he has options To avoid another child if he doesn't one, as do you, and you need To talk about this as adults and come To an agreement between the Two of you. Also, úntil you agree don't try To Get pregnant. It's not fair on a child To have to be rased by a parent who definitely didn't want a child.

Bulbasaur · 21/11/2014 22:11

hiddenhome It is true. The risk is part of the adrenaline rush. But now we have an unplanned DD, which actually turned out to be awesome, but it's a huge risk and you shouldn't take it unless you're both ok with a new addition to the family.

Fairenuff · 21/11/2014 22:11

I'm just going to suggest that sex can be more exciting if there's a risk of pregnancy.

You can shoot me, but it's true

Flipping heck hidden, I think you're doing it wrong. There is way more to making sex exciting than the risk of bringing a whole human being into existence.

lougle · 21/11/2014 22:12

Woah there, Woah there! On another thread we're talking about rape and the (correct) consensus is that unless a man is certain that he has the consent of the woman, sec shouldn't happen. You say:

"So I am reading the fact that he has stopped doing this as a possible window of light- that he might be at the stage where he isn't prepared to agree to go all out and try for another one or even acknowledge that he is changing his mind, but isn't totally against the idea either. I'm sure wishful thinking."

Change he for she and imagine we're talking about sex, not a baby. Would that be even possibly ok???

No. Not one bit.

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 21/11/2014 22:12

I don't think he will complain if we have another baby. He is a brilliant dad. We have had several conversations in which i have said "i want another one" and he said "I want to stop at 2." We always used contraception (his responsiblity) and recently he has stopped insisting on it. Yes I should probably confront him with this, and have an adult conversation, and demand to knwo what he is thinking but y'know....

OP posts:

Chunderella · 21/11/2014 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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