to think that if my DH really didn't want another baby he would insist on contraception at all times?

[deliverdaniel]

He is adamant that he doesn't want another child. But yet never insists on preventing one. Is that a chink of light for a baby hungry woman?

OP, please don't get pregnant on the off chance that he will just accept it just because he isn't using contraception. There must be reasons why he wants to stop at two, and its imperative to get that sorted out. I'm curious if you would consider any reason he gave though, as being good enough not to have another child.

OP, you already have 2 children?

YABU

After our second DC I was upfront with my DH, I said I wont be responsible for contraception as i would be happy with more DC, its up to him to sort it out if he doesn't want more. We had two more and then he had a vasectomy. He obviously adores all 4 of our DC but he probably would have stuck at two if I had gone on the pill (or similar). We decided 4 was enough (the last two pregnancies made me very ill) and we wouldn't want to risk contraception failure and face a 'less wanted baby' - god that sounds ghastly but I cant think of a better term!

I knew there was no risk to our relationship having another baby as though DH didnt want to plan for one, he would be happy with another DC, (his concern was mainly about my health). I wouldn't have risked our relationship, or wanted to deceive him.

Time for a cards on the table chat OP.

DeliverDaniel, did you conceive your last two children naturally or did you have fertility treatment?

I think a lot of people on here are deliberately ignoring your age and the fact you had fertility issues because they can't resist the opportunity of piling in to give him a good kicking.

As someone who's suffered fertility problems myself I take a more circumspect view. I have never, ever used contraception and in 20 of being very sexually active have never got pregnant naturally once. I don't use contraception, I would like another baby but even if I didn't I don't think I'd bother using contraception. That ship has sailed for me and as contraception is unreliable I don't think it would provide much more protection than the barriers that are already in place in the way my own body works (or doesn't work).

Most posters on this thread are making the assumption that he is being completely lacksadasical because doesn't care if you get pregnant and that you are hoping you will get pregnant accidentally. Would I be right in saying that it's more a case that you are hoping that this might be a sign that you can talk him into some sort of fertilty treatment rather than a chance of getting pregnant naturally?

If your fertility issues have been serious enough plus you are now older I don't think it really means the man is a bastard, just that he's clued up enough and knows enough about your own situation that it's not that likely to happen. Of course you will still have some people frothing at the mouth insisting he should be wearing a condom. But even condoms and the pill don't provide 100% and if he's aware that it's as unlikely for to get pregnant as it is for a couple in their 20s using the pill or condoms I don't really see how it's that much different from that. Everybody takes a risk of getting pregnant when they have sex, we can't remove the risk, only minimize it. And if in your case the risk is already completely minimized he may not see the point of adding an extra layer to that.

Perhaps it is a chink in the fact that if the remote chance you had another child happened it wouldn't be a disaster for him and he would love it and accept it. But if you're hoping it means you can convince him to take active steps to make a pregnancy happen I think you will be disappointed.

Sorry, OP but I agree with lougle; this is taking advantage of his laziness/lack of self control. In other circumstances, this WOULD be considered abusive. The consequences could be enormous and the repercussions run further than your desire for another child.

Think about it, how could things play out if you conceived? Abortion? Relationship breakdown? A child resented by their father? It sounds like you're playing with fire. You need to have a grown up conversation about this immediately.

Sorry, OP but I agree with lougle; this is taking advantage of his laziness/lack of self control. In other circumstances, this WOULD be considered abusive. The consequences could be enormous and the repercussions run further than your desire for another child.

Taking advantage.. She's not taking advantage and she's not being abusive. She IS making assumptions, and she should talk to him about it. But if she gets pregnant, it is the fault of both parties equally.

He has two kids, he knows how this whole baby thing works. He's not some naive little boy that thinks ejaculating in a vagina won't result in pregnancy. Taking advantage would imply that he's going in blind or unaware of the risks.

He's a big boy, and if he wants to have protection free sex, then he accepts the risks that come with it.

He knows she's not on birth control, she has not hidden that fact from him. Despite this he's choosing to having sex with her. He's choosing not to use protection. He's choosing to ejaculate inside her.

Therefore, he is choosing for himself to possibly have another child.

I wouldn't have risked our relationship, or wanted to deceive him.

But she's not deceiving him. He knows she's not on birth control, if she was hiding that fact from him, then every opposing point on this thread would be valid.

He's going into this eyes wide open.

OP, what do you mean by "stopped insisting on it"? Surely he's largely been responsible for applying a condom to himself before PIV and has now stopped doing so?

And neither of you has mentioned this to the other?

Did he check with you before undertaking PIV without a condom that you were happy to go ahead and hadn't changed your mind about wanting another DC?

"Sorry, OP but I agree with lougle; this is taking advantage of his laziness/lack of self control. In other circumstances, this WOULD be considered abusive."

How? DP was using condoms regularly and for whatever reason has now stopped. Presumably he knew why he was using them and, unless he's secretly had a vasectomy, that reason hasn't changed.

I think aermingers makes some really pertinent points and I wonder if that if that was the thought behind the OP's post. It's actually very sad for her.

Talk to him op. Tell him that he needs to wrap up or get the snip otherwise there's a chance of you getting pregnant- regardless of how big or small.

Make it clear you would love another baby and wouldn't abort and that now it's his responsibility.

If he keeps on without contraception I would say 'just to be clear since you aren't using anything we are trying for a baby then. If he still continues without and is usually careful and responsible then yes id take it as a glimmer. I'd still remind him though each time.

If he does wrap up then I would take that as a sad sign for yourself.

"I'd still remind him though each time. "

Out of interest, why?

Erm BULB you are taking me out of context a little... I was explaining my own situation and saying I pretty much did what the op is advocating! I just made the verbal statement to my dh first that's all.

He has two kids, he knows how this whole baby thing works

The OP hasn't come back to say how she conceived her first two babies and as she said they had fertility problems it may well be that he knows how the whole baby thing works for them and it may be that for them it involves Clomid, IUI, IVF or something else and he simply knows that the chances of it happening now are so remote natural contraception in the form of fertility problems is just as effective as contraception is for most other people.

My heart really goes out to the OP, but it does sound like realistically there may be very, very little chance of it happening naturally and he is simply being realistic rather than unkind. Obviously as the OP hasn't come back and said anything I can't be sure. But it does sound like it's totally possible that this man is taking no more risk of getting pregnant than many people on here attacking him have done when they've had sex using a condom or the pill.

yonic for me it would be to gauge his reaction, plus after a couple of times he would get I was serious about it and either be honest about what he wants and act accordingly or get annoyed and we would have it out.

Also he can't try and make out the risks aren't clear and weren't laid bare.

But tbh if it was my dh I wouldn't have sex until we'd spoken properly and come to a conclusion. If op doesn't want or cant do that then reminding him covers her.

sorry- I didn't come back to the thread as got distracted by other things and then forgot about it! Thank you very much for all your replies (even the ones accusing me of abusing him- thought not quite sure how you arrived at that!)

I don't want to have a conversation about contraception every single time we have sex. I think that a couple of conversations on the topic, every now and then until you change your overall policy are enough and I'm kind of surprised at the idea that everyone else is renewing their contraception policy with ther partner every single time they enter the bedroom.

We conceived our first child naturally, second through IVF- unexplained secondary infertility. We have had the conversation both with the doctor and between ourselves that I could still potentially get pregnant naturally but the chances are low- doctor said around 5% chance per cycle. This was enough of a chance for DH to previously use condoms every time, and he has recently stopped. I have made it perfectly clear to him that I am not on any form of contraception, and that I actively want another baby, and he is not either stupid or irresponsible. I should probably have a direct conversation with him about it again, but I don't want to force him into the corner of saying a definite no again and meaning that the chances of a 'happy accident' go away forever. I really don't see how this is either abusing him or taking advantage of him, as I have been totally upfront about all of this.

Thanks again