to think that if my DH really didn't want another baby he would insist on contraception at all times?

[deliverdaniel]

He is adamant that he doesn't want another child. But yet never insists on preventing one. Is that a chink of light for a baby hungry woman?

Well DH didn't want another. First I knew he'd booked the snip was a Friday evening. It was done that Sunday. Luckily I didn't want another baby either.

lougle I get what you are trying to say, but I can't help thinking the rape analogy is kind of offensive for everyone involved- him, me, and actual rape victims.....

Oh, for crying out loud OP. Do you know what the word 'adamant' means?

Why put that in your OP if you are going to go back on it?

fairenuff I don't think I've gone back on anything. My OP reflected what I saw as the contradictory nature of his words vs his actions...

You're deluding yourself if you treat laziness as consent.

Why can't you just not sit down and talk about it like grown ups?

You tell him you are not on contraception, you want another baby if he doesn't want another baby then he has to choose one of the three options a poster laid out below.

OP these are your two statements:

He is adamant that he doesn't want another child

I don't think he will complain if we have another baby

They are contradictory.

Which is it?

Stop second guessing. Ask him properly.Take his response as the answer. Be responsible.

It is too important to just mess around with.

Fairenuff I think those two sentiments are probably a relatively common combination.

He doesn't actively want another child, but is taking no steps to prevent one, and in if we do have one, I believe he will love it and not complain about it, as he is a decent man and a brilliant dad to the other two.

Or, instead of asking him what he wants, you could ask people on the internet what he wants.

Because that'll work well for you, I'm sure.

OP these are your two statements:

He is adamant that he doesn't want another child

I don't think he will complain if we have another baby

They are contradictory.

Which is it?

Would you care to answer the question OP?

Change he for she and imagine we're talking about sex, not a baby. Would that be even possibly ok???

This isn't rape, it's shitty family planning. Completely different ball park.

TBH I think he secretly wouldn't mind if it happened.

Me and DW didn't bother with contraception and we both wanted to stop at 2 but you know I just thought if it happens it happens. We were careful and it didn't happen.

I think a lot of couples do this and if you love someone and it would not be a serious consequence then sometimes tempting fate is the right way to go.

As I say I think he quite likes the idea it might happen.

Less sexin', more talkin'! You're both adults, both parents, be fair to your relationship with him and all of the existing relationships- between you two and your existing children and talk about it.

Yabu

He doesn't actively want another child, but is taking no steps to prevent one

Probably is quite common, doesn't make it reasonable, sensible, advisable though.

I disagree MoreBeta.

My DH and I are really close, and bonded, and we have a DC we love and adore. But I had appalling and undiagnosed PND. We have discussed since DC was born if we would have another..... and agreed we would not. I have felt pangs,it is true. And feel broody often. I even picked out the name for my potential daughter. But a few weeks ago when I had terrible food poisoning, and felt my pill would not have worked, i went to the local pharmacy for the MAP. Bit embarrassing at the age of 41- not least because I had to answer questions about my sex life. For about a week we did not know if I would be pg or not. the actual, real life thought was beyond horrifying. Because I barely survived the first pg/birth/early years with my lufe or my sanity intact. I did not secretly want it to happen.

You're deluding yourself if you treat laziness as consent.

Uhm.. not using birth control is consenting to having another child. Her body does not need consent to conceive. She doesn't need consent to have his child. What planet are you on?

Most importantly, preventing a child is a shared responsibility. It is not just on her to make sure she doesn't get pregnant. It's his responsibility as well. So consent doesn't even apply here.

That said, do have a talk and make sure you guys are at least in agreement about what you will do if you do have a baby.

Creating another human adult is not a thing that you should chance.

It's a massive responsibility.

Anyone who doesn't take contraception seriously really is a bit dim. Or perhaps just uneducated.

If he doesn't want 1 he knows the score

He's probably done the maths and thinks on the balance of probabilities (your age, previous fertility issues) that it's unlikely that it'll happen. I don't think he's silently dying for no. 3, otherwise he would've just told you.

I think you find yourself in the tricky situation of wanting to know where he stands, but being worried if you say, "if I get pregnant I'm keeping it" he'll go back to using condoms and you'll wave goodbye to any chance of a 'happy accident'.

If he knows you aren't on any contraception and he isn't using any and you are having piv sex then you are currently trying for a baby.
You need to make a decision and a plan not act like teenagers.

You're right, Bulbasaur, that was lazy shorthand on my part.

What I meant was:

It is incredibly risky to assume that laziness on his part around contraception equates to consent on his part to another child.

OP is looking for hope, she said so in her OP, and I don't think it's fair to suggest that he might be OK with a baby if she did fall pregnant.

None of us know him but the boards are littered with examples of male partners reacting incredibly badly to unplanned (from his perspective) but predictable pregnancies.

"TBH I think he secretly wouldn't mind if it happened."

Do not rely on strangers on the Internet saying this. You need to ask him.

"It is incredibly risky to assume that laziness on his part around contraception equates to consent on his part to another child."

YY. Would your family survive if he asked to have a termination?

It is incredibly risky to assume that laziness on his part around contraception equates to consent on his part to another child.

No, no, no.

His "consent" about having a baby begins and ends when he willingly ejaculates inside a woman's vagina.

Even if contraception was being used, he still doesn't get to claim a lack of "consent" when there is no 100% reliable form.

Having sex with no contraception is the same as trying for a baby.

The fact that he doesn't want a baby has nothing to do with any idea of consent.

Comparing this to rape is horrifying. You could end up with rapists claiming lack of "consent" to pregnancies they caused.

He's a big boy. It's his job, and nobody else's, to be in control of his own fertility.