to think that if my DH really didn't want another baby he would insist on contraception at all times?

[deliverdaniel]

He is adamant that he doesn't want another child. But yet never insists on preventing one. Is that a chink of light for a baby hungry woman?

OP the first thing I worried about is what would happen if your wish did come true and you conceived. Obviously you would be over the moon to be pregnant.

But a year or two or three down the line, If he doesn't pull his weight with the new child because 'I did say I wanted to stop at 2' you will be resentful and exhausted. You see threads on here like that all the time.

Personally I wouldn't go ahead with another pregnancy unless I was totally convinced my Dh was on board too as I couldn't cope alone. You may feel differently about that but please consider the actual reality of a newborn and two older DCs with a potentially grumpy, unhelpful partner...

I'm in no way comparing it to rape! Where on earth did you get that from? The word "consent" applies to many, many situations other than sex.

And if you're honestly suggesting that it's a great use to press on with unprotected sex, and then get pregnant, and then tell him that he's made his bed so he had to lie in it,and expect that to all end up hunkdory - -well, then you're giving the OO morlly pure but practically shitty advice.

A great idea

He has to lie in it

hunkydory

OP morally pure

The word "consent" applies to many, many situations other than sex.

I know.

But this situation IS sex, and you are suggesting that a man has to give separate consent for a pregnancy beyond the obvious consent of ejaculating inside a woman.

It's extremely lazy and dangerous thinking to bring the concept of "consent" into this.

What the OP should choose to do about a man who takes no responsibility for his own fertility is up to her - she knows him.

But he is acting like he wants a baby, and believing him is certainly an option for her.

If he is "resentful" that the totally foreseeable happens and somehow seems to blame somebody else for not protecting him from the consequences of his own actions, then he is probably not a good person to be married to.

Just talk to him properly about it. Not rocket science.

But he is acting like he wants a baby

Not necessarily. He could equally be being lazy, or unthinking, or callous, or cruel.

It's extremely lazy and dangerous thinking to bring the concept of "consent" into this.

I totally disagree. Every child should be wanted. If you want to object to my choice of articulating "wanted" as "consented to" then that's up to you - but in practical terms it amounts to the same thing.

It's crap, but we live in a society which wouldn't condemn him from walking away from his own choices. And it would be OP and her baby (and their existing children) that would have to bear the burden of that.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's not about sex; it's about the child.

If you want to object to my choice of articulating "wanted" as "consented to" then that's up to you - but in practical terms it amounts to the same thing.

Yes, I do want to.

The word "consent" when applied to sex is extremely loaded and tied up with how rape is defined and understood.

We also live in a culture where a woman is legally seen to have given her consent to sex because she went into a hotel room with a man, and where there are a lot of people publicly arguing that she also gave consent to any other man who came to the room.

This is the world we live in, and you are trying to claim it is not problematic to attach the idea of, and the word, consent to sex in secondary sense.

I understand what you are trying to say. But I don't believe you are stupid enough not to see the problems with using the word consent in this way.

Another poster has already tried to claim that this situation is a bit like rape.

So this is how a woman "rapes" a man - by getting pregnant without his "consent".

I'm sure my rapist would have argued that he didn't "consent" to my pregnancy.

The words you choose matter. This is not an issue of consent.

This is a man who is willingly and knowingly having sex without contraception.

If his wife gets pregnant, he has no valid cause for complaint.

Yes, he might be enough of a dick to complain, or take it out on the baby, or leave his family.

But nothing nefarious is being done to him.

If you want to argue that the OP should talk to him (as many have) and make the issue explicit, so he can't presume anything, then do that.

But using a loaded word like "consent" here, and suggesting that the OP is operating without it, is obviously putting blame and responsibility where it can't lie, and making comparisons to rape.

I don't agree actually. If one party has expressed that they don't want a baby and the other partner does, I think the onus is on the party who does want a baby to say to their partner 'you realise I/you could fall pregnant' or 'are you okay without protection?' before it gets to a point of no return. I've done it. DH has done it. A quick sentence that made us stop and think.

Nobody should be having sex knowingly unprotected, thinking about the fact that they want a baby and their partner doesn't, hoping that it all happens before they realise.

The poster who said that laziness isn't consent...

You're right, laziness isn't consent. The consent part is where a well informed adult in full control of his faculties has unprotected sex knowing his partner is not taking any measures to prevent pregnancy.

Unfortunately though OP, there is a disturbing trend among certain types of men in which it seems more important to them to enjoy sex to the fullest, unhindered by a condom and without having to have surgery, rather than preventing pregnancy. This is why you need to talk to him really...if he really doesn't want another child and has made that clear, during the shock period after the BFP it will inevitably be your fault.

If I were you, there would be a sex ban until we had a frank and full conversation about this.

I think it's obvious he just thinks you won't get pregnant what with your age and fertility problems. he isn't thinking about baby number three at all just having sex without a condom

I am genuinely surprised that anyone has unprotected piv sex when they haven't explicitly agreed to trying for a baby. It should just be automatic to use contraception. It shocks me that adults of your age still do this. I thought it was just my stupid, young friends.

I wouldn't have sex with such a person. How lazy. 'If you don't want another child either use a condom or have the snip.'

Friend of ours deliberately conceived a third baby that she knew her husband didn't want. She told him she was protected (can't remember if she told him pill or cool). They are still married but his resentment at the deception and her resentment that he hasn't just got over it simmer away and there's no doubt that they will eventually split up over it. Of course he loves his child, but that's not the point.

There's no scope for resentment at any "deception" here.

There are lots of different views on here and I think I agree with all of them. Yes, men should not complain if they have unprotected sex with a partner without enquiring as to her contraception and the woman becomes pregnant. However, in the real world, men do complain and they do get pissed off and sometimes they just piss off altogether. Ultimately, the child in that situation and possibly the wider family will suffer.

OP, your DP is wrong to be having sex with you unprotected but that doesn't equate to him being happy if you become pregnant. You NEED to have a conversation with him about this. It's not fair on anyone if you don't deal with this responsibly.

I might be missing something here, but OP why the heck aren't you talking to your DH about this? How can you consider having another child with someone you can't have a sensible conversation with??

(And I disagree that sex when you might get pregnant is the best - it's best after the snip when you are both on the same page about family planning and know there will be no "mistake")

I might be missing something here, but OP why the heck aren't you talking to your DH about this? How can you consider having another child with someone you can't have a sensible conversation with??

Quite.

Are you both grown-up enough to have another baby?

I think that Craic nailed it back up the thread:

I think you find yourself in the tricky situation of wanting to know where he stands, but being worried if you say, "if I get pregnant I'm keeping it" he'll go back to using condoms and you'll wave goodbye to any chance of a 'happy accident'.

That's quite dishonest if it's what you're doing, OP. Having a child isn't about what you want, not unless you're equally prepared to run the risk of losing your partner. Not your children, they will still have their dad - YOU. He may not forgive you.

Yes, he's also responsible for contraception but you know his wishes and you think a sleight of hand could be the answer. It isn't.

There is no sleight of hand here.

Hopefully the OP isn't married to the kind of wanker who blames women for getting themselves pregnant.

You might as well argue that he is being dishonest to be trying to get her pregnant while claiming he doesn't want another child.

Disagree with you; OP knows that her partner doesn't want another child. She does. The person who DOESN'T want a child gets their way. Children should be wanted by both parents. It's very selfish to do otherwise and has nothing to do with the interests of the existing children or the potential unborn one.

Obviously my opinion.

I agree with SandyJ. If a man has sex without protection and ends up fathering a child then he has no logical grounds for complaint, but he might still end up being an arse about it - many many men do - and that could destroy their relationship. For the sake of herself, the existing children and any future baby, the OP needs to have a grownup conversation.