To wish we could spend Xmas with MY family once in a while?

[WD41]

It's too late to do anything about it this year obviously, but just wondering whether other people would feel the same as me.

My family unit is me, DH and DD(3). We've not been together long - this will be our 5th Christmas. The first year, we spent Christmas day at my parents. I'm close to them, they live nearby & I think we just kind of assumed that from then on, we would alternate years between my parents and DH's.

Unfortunately my FIL passed away the following year. We spent that Christmas with my MIL - it was "her" year anyway but given the circumstances we would have done regardless obviously. If I'm brutally honest I didn't particularly enjoy spending Christmas elsewhere - silly things like the food being different and DD being told to be quiet during the Queen's speech

So, the following year we invited MIL down to spend Christmas with us. We couldn't go to my parents and leave her on her own. DH does have a brother but he's completely useless (think 40 something who still smokes pot) and he likes to spend Christmas in his own house getting stoned - he's not going to visit her and would never host himself. MIL essentially lives with her sister now, but she goes to her own daughter over Xmas.

Going to my parents with my MIL in tow isn't an option either unfortunately. My mum suffers from severe anxiety and although she has nothing against my MIL, she wouldn't be able to cope very well with having a non family member there at Christmas. I completely understand that and would never expect an invite for my MIL. Similarly, my parents (and brother) coming to us wouldn't be an option either. We haven't got the space in our flat to cater for what would be 7 people.

So as it stands, my parents pop round for about an hour on Christmas morning to exchange presents, then they're gone. MIL on the other hand stays with us for 3 nights. I really miss spending the day with them - this will be the third year the same and I don't see how it's ever going to change now.

I'm not a cow and I don't like the thought of MIL being on her own over Xmas. I haven't voiced any of this to DH, but next year do you think it would BU to discuss it with him, and see whether she would be able to spend Xmas with other family (ie her sister or DH's brother)? I have no idea how we would broach it with her without it seeming like she's not wanted, but I would just like the occasional Xmas day with my own family.

I can see you can't change the arrangement for this year completely, but maybe you could tweak it a bit so it works better for you.

Could you ask MIL to come later on Xmas Eve and spend the day with your family? Xmas Eve is more fun than Boxing Day-the kids are still excited at the day to come. if you could have a nice lunch at your parents wouldn't that off-set the not seeing them the following day a bit better?

Sorry haven't read the last few pages but I think the idea of a bigger (extending) table and have everyone to yours next year is the best plan. Why not vary this each year if you fancy a change by hosting at yours one year and going out the next?

You could ask your mum and dad round for buffet tea instead of dinner if you liked and that way see a bit more of them on Xmas day without having a big dinner.

Why not go to your parents on New Year's Day for dinner and make a new tradition?

I wouldn't have dreamed of not including my bereaved mum or mil in our Xmas day plans and have done so in various ways over the years. Before our son was born they usually both came to ours - we fetched them in the morning and they had a taxi home in the evening which we paid for. One year we all went to my BILs girlfriends. Very nice of her to include my mum.

Since having our son, MIL hosted and I did at mums (she was ill and less mobile). This was easier all round and I didn't mind driving while BF.

After that MIL passed away and mum was at ours. When mum went to a care home, we has a big brunch and then dinner later after visiting her.

This will be the first year with neither of them. I am dreading it :(

Oh and the first year living with my husband we didn't have a dining table but had bought garden furniture in the sale ready for spring so used that! The mums took it all in good spirits!

The idea of you not including your bereaved MIL whom you get on with in your plans for as long as she wants to does break my heart for her a little bit :(

I remember my great aunt telling everyone (neices and nephew in laws), that she wanted to be alone and would be fine over Xmas blah blah so No one visited her. When we went in the new year she was heartbroken the silly old bird. Xmas day would probably have been fine but not all holiday. It makes me cry to think about it now.

I would totally embrace having mil to babysit on Christmas Eve. That's such a boon tbh on your birthday. You can spend the evening with your parents and/or go out for a meal/pub with your dh. Christmas Eve is usually very, very busy in all the places I've ever lived.

Christmas Day everyone at yours. Do a eat on your knees buffet, free yourself from oppressive turkey and sprout bondage.

Boxing day morning mil goes home, you spend the day with your parents.

Space the present giving/recieving out over the three days.

The idea of you not including your bereaved MIL whom you get on with in your plans for as long as she wants to does break my heart for her a little bit sad

I have no intention of leaving MIL on her own or excluding her from our Xmas plans altogether, I'm trying to find a solution that suits everybody. I really don't think your heart needs to break for her.

What about my mum & dad, due to the circumstances they have never spent Xmas Day with their only grandchild and this will be DD's 4th Xmas.

Have also forgot to mention so far, but I am missing out each Christmas on spending time with my brother, who lives away and is only back home for a short period.

At some point I have to think of myself and my own side of the family too.

Would there be a possibility of your mum getting to know your MiL a bit better over the next 12 months? If not in person, perhaps a few phone calls or even emails? If your mum is comfortable with being with your MiL in your home (you've said your folks pop round Christmas morning, so your mum is able to be around MiL at least for a bit, yes?) then perhaps if she slowly became a more familiar person to your mum she would be comfortable having her in her own home.

Sorry if this has been mentioned & shot down. I will now finish RTFT.

How long does a bereaved MIL count as bereaved? By next year when the OP is suggesting hat she might make alternative arrangements, perhaps involving her other offspring, or her sister, will be the 5th since her DH's death.