To wish we could spend Xmas with MY family once in a while?

[WD41]

It's too late to do anything about it this year obviously, but just wondering whether other people would feel the same as me.

My family unit is me, DH and DD(3). We've not been together long - this will be our 5th Christmas. The first year, we spent Christmas day at my parents. I'm close to them, they live nearby & I think we just kind of assumed that from then on, we would alternate years between my parents and DH's.

Unfortunately my FIL passed away the following year. We spent that Christmas with my MIL - it was "her" year anyway but given the circumstances we would have done regardless obviously. If I'm brutally honest I didn't particularly enjoy spending Christmas elsewhere - silly things like the food being different and DD being told to be quiet during the Queen's speech

So, the following year we invited MIL down to spend Christmas with us. We couldn't go to my parents and leave her on her own. DH does have a brother but he's completely useless (think 40 something who still smokes pot) and he likes to spend Christmas in his own house getting stoned - he's not going to visit her and would never host himself. MIL essentially lives with her sister now, but she goes to her own daughter over Xmas.

Going to my parents with my MIL in tow isn't an option either unfortunately. My mum suffers from severe anxiety and although she has nothing against my MIL, she wouldn't be able to cope very well with having a non family member there at Christmas. I completely understand that and would never expect an invite for my MIL. Similarly, my parents (and brother) coming to us wouldn't be an option either. We haven't got the space in our flat to cater for what would be 7 people.

So as it stands, my parents pop round for about an hour on Christmas morning to exchange presents, then they're gone. MIL on the other hand stays with us for 3 nights. I really miss spending the day with them - this will be the third year the same and I don't see how it's ever going to change now.

I'm not a cow and I don't like the thought of MIL being on her own over Xmas. I haven't voiced any of this to DH, but next year do you think it would BU to discuss it with him, and see whether she would be able to spend Xmas with other family (ie her sister or DH's brother)? I have no idea how we would broach it with her without it seeming like she's not wanted, but I would just like the occasional Xmas day with my own family.

I have had my issues with my MIL and SIL but I still couldn't leave her on her own for Christmas Day especially if her husband died not that long ago.

Me and DH have always alternated Christmas between my family and his but if MIL was alone then I would always include her. I would expect my DH to do the same if something happened to my mum or dad and they were left alone.

I can see it must be hard to be away from your family (it never feels like Christmas when I'm not with my family) but if we are at in laws we always go to my parents in the evening. Could that be a possibility? So you have MIL for lunch then you go to your parents about 6ish? Couldn't your mum accommodate MIL for a few hours? If not then she would have to stay at yours while you went. Very hard situation but I think you're being slightly unreasonable expecting her to spend Christmas Day alone.

Your mum is the problem because she is the one creating barriers.

No, my mum not wanting to host beyond her immediate family is just one factor here. Other problems as I've explained are that our home isn't big enough to easily host for everyone (yes it theoretically could be done, but not easily) and that MIL's other son is useless. Why should the responsibility all fall to my mother, presumably forever more, which not only would stress her out on the day but also for months beforehand thinking about it? Not fair.

I don't want to be defending her anymore on this thread - my AIBU was about me wanting to see my family, not whether my mum is BU which I categorically don't think she is being.

I think there are solutions but you have to actually want them to work.

1. You all go to your parents. Having your MIL there is just one extra person who is in fact a close family member. I think your mother would be being quite unreasonable to not have her there despite anxiety. Have you actually asked her? She has obviously coped with your husband and child joining her family.
2. You host at yours. Yes it may well be a squeeze but Christmas often is. Families generally just get on with it if they want to be together. I am hosting for 10 this year. Our table sits 4. We will manage just fine.
3. You all eat out. Yes you will have to pay for your meals. But if you want to see your parents too and you really can't manage options 1 or 2. Then eating out IS a solution.

I'm not sure how much you actually really want to solve this OP.

Firstly, it isn't your dh decision to be agreeable about, it is just as much your Christmas.

Obviously mil doesn't want to be on her own and it would be cruel not to include her at some stage, but you shouldn't have to put her up, especially if it means a lot of work on your behalf.
Does your dh do everything to accommodate her stay or does it fall to you? does he cook Christmas dinner?
I also think you need to tell him its time his db did some of the hosting, its not your fault he's an old stoner.

Does your DH think you should go to MILs every year? What would be his preferred solution?

He's happy with the status quo now. Happy for us to have her here each year and just see my parents briefly in the morning. I haven't discussed with him how I feel yet and I don't suppose he realises there is a problem.

I also wonder if you are using your mums anxiety to have a day without MIL.

Absolutely not. This will be the 4th christmas in a row we've spent with MIL, and I would still be happy to alternate years. I just want a year with my family for a change once in a while too. They're not getting any younger.

I don't like the thought of MIL being on her own either, which is exactly why we haven't been alternating since FIL died. There are other people she could spend it with (most likely her sister's family) but it's really just a case of how to bring it up without upsetting or offending her.

Gosh, round here Christmas eve is heaving! All restaurants booked up around now, pubs spilling out of people. Worth checking different areas, or if any of your friends fancy coming out for dinner with you, empty restaurants aren't really noticable if you've got a group with you on your table.

I do think you could get everyone together at yours if you wanted to, 7 is perfectly possible in a small flat as long as you aren't trying ot do a sit down meal. Suggest to your mum you both serve christmas lunch more like 12-1pm ish, then they could come over from say 2:30 - 3pm and you could have lots nibbles out, do a buffet around 5 ish (so very small DC friendly), they could play with your DD until her bedtime, then have grown up chat and evening.

It's worth having the chat for next year, I'd assume she's more likely to have a nice christmas with her sister and DN, but there are ways you can change this year to make it more fun for you and your family. You don't have to do it the way you've always done it, even if you have your MIL with you.

morethan I cook Christmas dinner, but I genuinely don't mind doing that means I can get sloshed alone in the kitchen listening to xmas tunes whilst he entertains her

it does seem a bit sad for your mil to have to spend christmas with her sisters family, like it or not you are part of her immediate family now and it would be the nicest thing to just accept that thats what is for the best in everyone's eyes? i agree it can be annoying not seeing your family for the best part of the day but you will see them in the morning.

also you could invite your bil? i know it's not ideal in your eyes but christmas is a hard time to keep everyone happy

She comes to yours and you all go to your mum's for the day. Surely she can cope with one extended family member once a year? For one day?

Oh and as for how to have the chat, around Easter time, get your DH to say to MIL that your mum was a bit upset you haven't spent the day at theirs for years, but because of her mental health issues, he can't really ask if MIL can join you. Would she mind if he goes to his MIL this year, he doesnt want to cause ill feeling with his PIL, particularly given his MIL's mental health issues and wants to be supportive. And Mum, could you go with Aunty X to my cousin Y's house this year? Obviously if not, understand and we'll work something else out, just don't want to be that son-in-law who never spends Christmas with his in-laws. And mum, you know I really like WD41's family, just worried I'm being a problem... (lots of sheepish smiles and 'please help me out mum' type thing).

I'm sure if she's as laid back as you said, that much notice would be enough for her to sort something out, but also Easter is far enough away that it wouldn't look like you'd mentioned it before this Christmas and was just waiting for Christmas to be over before saying anything...

Why can't she babysit Christmas eve and you go and have a lovely evening with your family??

I agree you should just host at yours -- you say it's possible, just not easy, but I think it's nice to make that effort rather than leave your MIL feeling alone.

Then if you do that for a few years perhaps your mother will feel more comfortable around MIL and then be happy to have her over at hers some years.

I have always lived in small flats and I'm afraid I think 7 is nothing really, you can manage. When I was little my great-grandma had xmas dinner for 15 in her tiny one-bedroom flat (my earliest xmas memories are of a warm bum, because my seat was always on the radiator!)

I agree you should just host at yours -- you say it's possible, just not easy

Yes, I agree.

Before we were married, we lived in a flat and had 9 to Christmas dinner. It was cosy but great :)

Dreamingbohemian makes a very good point! If you make more of an effort to host at least part of the day (if not the sit down meal, then the afternoon/evening rather than just a short time in the morning) and through the year invite your mum over when MIL is visiting, then your mum will get more used to MIL and less likely to see her as someone it's stressful to host but just another person she can be relaxed around.

You can't change the fact that MIL is a widow with 2 sons, or the fact that one of those sons doesn't seem to give a shit about christmas or making sure his mum has a nice time, so it might be ok for one or two years to ask for her to go with her sister, but more likely that you'll have to find a way to incorporate your MIL into your wider family.

As you said, too late to cancel MIL this year, so set the groundwork for your Mum to see MIL as part of the family and find ways that it feels less like you're hosting her all the time.

(another thought, could you do something on boxing day with everyone? Maybe a country walk with your parents & brother and MIL? A mass trip to the panto?)

I could never have let my DH's mother be on her own on Christmas Day. He would feel awful and it would ruin his Christmas.

If your mu can't host her then I think you have to put up with it - you can't leave her al alone on Christmas day, that would be too cruel.

I have to fit 7 people round a 6 person table. I'm cooking a 3 course meal, I suffer with severe anxiety, Ive already had a few panic attacks over Christmas and I have lists coming out my ears.

I think you need to host. It won't be easy but it's doable if you prepare. Yeah it might be a bit of a squeeze but it's only for 1 day. Everyone wins. Your MIL won't be alone and you'll get to see your side of the family. Have a big glass of wine and make some lists!

Having read through all your posts, OP, and while I still stick to the principle of not making Christmas all about one single day, it occurs to me that it isn't as if you don't get to see your parents, is it? Whereas your MIL would be deprived of her ds's company if you decline to ask her to stay over Christmas.

There must be a way around finding a better splitting of time between the two families though. If you really can't host Christmas Day (and you'd be surprised at just how many people you can fit into a small flat) could your parents not stay for longer? If necessary by everyone moving Christmas dinner to slightly later, say. That way, you remove the sense of it being so "all or nothing" because in reality, everyone does get to see their parents on Christmas Day anyway.

I'm on the fence with this one!
When I was growing up we used to have a full on christmas breakfast, with the daytime to ourselves. In the late afternoon we'd hold a running buffet to which family members and neighbours (mostly elderly without families etc) would call in for a chat and a bite to eat. Our house was tiny but to my dm a buffet means she can just invite more. People would often come with a plate of food and a their own chair! Christmas/Easter/summer carnival any excuse!

Perhaps this could work for you without half the neighbourhood?
You could see your parents and mil, without having the pressure to cook in a smaller space. It might gradually help your mum come to see mil as family? Despite my upbringing I panic/suffer from anxiety when people are in my own house so can perhaps understand how she feels.

Meant to say, we'd still have Christmas dinner but it would be on Boxing Day, usually with my only set of living gp's (they usually went to my aunts on Christmas day after visiting us).

Now we all do our own things but normally get together on Boxing Day for a meal, my parents, siblings and all our dc. Still small houses but we all bring a cooked meat, leaving whoever is hosting with just the veg to cook. Kids often sit at little tables and at least 2 adults end up with dinner on laps in an armchair. It's an argumentative chaos wonderful!

I'm really not sure that us hosting this year is a possibility - my mum will have already geared up to be having her day at home (people reading this need to understand that it wouldn't be as simple as her just changing her plans at this stage in the year) & from a practical point of view we would need to invest in more seating and probably a bigger table, as ours is a small round dining table that only seats 4. I know people say you could eat on your laps or whatever, but we'd be accomodating at least one person with a back problem and I do think it needs to be proper and comfortable, our parents aren't students.

I'm taking it on board for next year though, as it would be the most obvious solution and my upset at the situation is only growing year by year.

Perfect for next year :)

I understand what your mum is going through, honestly!

Has MiL not asked about you seeing your family more on Christmas Day? Does she just assume that as she is on her own she should always get to spend the 3 day Christmas period with you? That seems pretty selfish to me.

OP I don't think you are wrong to want to spend more of the Christmas period with your family and not with your MiL unfortunately I don't see how you can tell her you will be going to your parents and she's not coming without causing upset, feeling guilty and having a fall out with your DH.

If it was me I'd invite everyone to yours for Christmas Day, cook a meal, get people to bring stuff/food and explain that no one is going to be left out and so this means everyone will be squashed. Those that don't like it can leave!

Thank you Mommybird.

Xena No MIL hasn't asked, but to be fair we have invited her down here to stay for the past 3 years so reasonable for her to assume that we're happy with the arrangement. She's a nice woman but very laid back, and I'm not sure that kind of thing would even occur to her.

You can actually rent tables and some extra chairs.

Just to clarify so I don't make unhelpful suggestions your mum could cope with seeing MIL at your house, just not MIL coming to hers?

I agree it's short notice for this year but I'd do it for next year. Plenty of time to figure out the mechanics. You can keep an eye on freecycle or gumtree for cheap/free folding table and chairs.