To wish we could spend Xmas with MY family once in a while?

[WD41]

It's too late to do anything about it this year obviously, but just wondering whether other people would feel the same as me.

My family unit is me, DH and DD(3). We've not been together long - this will be our 5th Christmas. The first year, we spent Christmas day at my parents. I'm close to them, they live nearby & I think we just kind of assumed that from then on, we would alternate years between my parents and DH's.

Unfortunately my FIL passed away the following year. We spent that Christmas with my MIL - it was "her" year anyway but given the circumstances we would have done regardless obviously. If I'm brutally honest I didn't particularly enjoy spending Christmas elsewhere - silly things like the food being different and DD being told to be quiet during the Queen's speech

So, the following year we invited MIL down to spend Christmas with us. We couldn't go to my parents and leave her on her own. DH does have a brother but he's completely useless (think 40 something who still smokes pot) and he likes to spend Christmas in his own house getting stoned - he's not going to visit her and would never host himself. MIL essentially lives with her sister now, but she goes to her own daughter over Xmas.

Going to my parents with my MIL in tow isn't an option either unfortunately. My mum suffers from severe anxiety and although she has nothing against my MIL, she wouldn't be able to cope very well with having a non family member there at Christmas. I completely understand that and would never expect an invite for my MIL. Similarly, my parents (and brother) coming to us wouldn't be an option either. We haven't got the space in our flat to cater for what would be 7 people.

So as it stands, my parents pop round for about an hour on Christmas morning to exchange presents, then they're gone. MIL on the other hand stays with us for 3 nights. I really miss spending the day with them - this will be the third year the same and I don't see how it's ever going to change now.

I'm not a cow and I don't like the thought of MIL being on her own over Xmas. I haven't voiced any of this to DH, but next year do you think it would BU to discuss it with him, and see whether she would be able to spend Xmas with other family (ie her sister or DH's brother)? I have no idea how we would broach it with her without it seeming like she's not wanted, but I would just like the occasional Xmas day with my own family.

She won't be 'alone at Christmas' though. She's alone for one day. And then the next day there will be a lovely christmas gathering. Plus a few days of visiting. It's not fair for all of the holiday to be dictated by one person.

Oh ok, well that's fair enough

I suppose I forget that people might already have plans set and made - I leave things quite late because it's only the four of us.

One suggestion: Be careful of the alternating Christmases trap. It seems to work well for a minority but it has all sorts of pitfalls and can become very complicated and fraught indeed over the years. I would go for a well-balanced general routine that can be replicated every year, personally.

I know what you're saying but if we had her arrive on Boxing Day each year then DH would be missing out on never seeing her on Xmas Day, and he would end up feeling like I do. It's such a tricky balancing act isn't it?

In an ideal world we would live in a big house with an enormous dining table and everybody would just come to us.

I do think it's too late for this year, but worth having a chat with DH about approaching it for next year.

Another option, even though you can't host all your family for the big lunch, could you arrange that you all have the big meal at lunchtime, then put on a sort of 'party tea' at 5ish (buffet style so you don't have to worry about everyone being seated), your Mum and Dad and brother come over then, spend some time with DD, play some games and make an evening of it?

Plus, as it's your birthday on Christmas eve, could you do a 'two birds with one stone' thing and arrange for you and DH to go out for dinner and ask MIL if as she's going to be there for the afternoon, would she mind babysitting DD so you can go out for your birthday? (You could potentially invite your parents along to that, but not sure if that would offend MIL being left out)

and if you raise it early enough for next year, your MIL might arrange to spend it with her Sister, but obviously far too late for this year to do that.

But that's what I mean - I think that it's important in this day and age where people are spread out and it's complicated to be careful about making it all about Christmas Day. Why is Christmas Day any more special or important? Surely it's the actual season that matters? Surely it's about family and togetherness and traditions?

Maybe I am very unusual, but I really don't mind doing it one day with some people and the next day with others. Or even seeing one side of family the week before or after. When my girls were little they went to their dad's for Christmas proper every year for quite a few years. It never bothered me, I had a lovely christmas celebration with them on the day that I chose to do it.

If your mil is a nice enough person, I would imagine her niece wouldn't mind having her along with her own mum on Christmas Day.

This will be my fifteenth Xmas with dh and each year it's different. Both sets of our parents are divorced, we see dhs family every day as live very close to them, my parents and siblings are dotted all over the north east. You'd think arranging to see my family would be the most stressful but nope, we all go to mams on same day, on a few occasions it's been Xmas day for lunch but mostly it's just whenever we all have day off and don't have plans with our dh or dw family. I love it as it's like a second Xmas all over again with nieces and nephews.
We are very lucky and seem to get invited for lunch somewhere different each year, sometimes we will go, sometimes we stay at home, sometimes we go to a restaurant, sometimes I'll host. It all just falls into place and I'm so thankful for that after reading some xmas threads lately.

Meant to add, we just see dhs family when we see them, we don't really organise everything, well just pop in each other's when people are home and free, as they also have wives and husband with divorced parents and not being local they also have several trips to plan to see their mils and fils and nieces and nephews etc.

I think if you really wanted to, I'm sure you could squash 7 in for dinner. I come from a BIIIIG family, and we all live in normal little places, and we have dinners bigger than that. You don't have to sit 7 round a dining table. With a bit of ingenuity you can do it. I ate Christmas dinner off a table made from an old door propped up on stools once. People could sit on sofa and eat from small tables/trays. You can get a folding table and add it to the end of the dining table. Put the table/s in middle of room just before serving - It doesn't matter if it takes up the whole room just for the meal.

My living room is 13' x 10'. Last Christmas we had 6 adults and two small children.

I sort of have this. FIL and BIL have come here for the last seven years, my mum has come for the past two years.

I've let BIL and FIL know that next year (2015) I want to go to my sisters (or have her to our house - whole other thread) so they have time to sort themselves out.

Have you suggested it to your mum, I know she has anxiety but if you were to help her out would she be able to get through it even for a few hours and with some wine poured into her.

we had similar when ds (now 21) was born, my fil passed away when he was 6 weeks old and dp is an old child so where we spent a couple of christmasses with my parents we then spend every christmas with mil. this has gone on now for 21 years and it's okay, we just saw my parents after christmas. would be awful if mil was alone at christmas. you do get used to it!

also could she not babysit on christmas eve so you and dh could go out to celebrate your birthday? we used to do this mil enjoyed time alone with the children and felt she was being useful to use by babysitting.

I agree with the PP that a solution is for you to host.

When I was growing up, in a large extended family, we all managed to squash into each others houses. Loads of aunts, uncles, cousins and lots of strays. Often the sofa and chairs would be pushed to one side so the table could be put up. I can remember an improvisation with an ironing board too. And buffet style can work if you're short on table space.

Could you not make that work for you? I'm afraid I do think you sound a little churlish. You see a lot of your parents as it is, but not much of your MIL.

I also think it's your mum causing the problem tbh you just can't see it. Poor mil she can come to my house x

The problem with Christmas is that so much is invested in one day - 25th December - rather than it being viewed as a festive season. Being old gimmers, our parents are no longer alive but we do have grown-up children with partners (some of who live a good distance away) and now dgc plus DH's brother and SIL.

We've tended to avoid the idea that there's only one day to celebrate Christmas on. Also, we've avoided alternating Christmasses since that can get oppressive too. Instead, we don't make a decision until nearer December (arrangements were actually made last weekend) and that allows all sorts of particular circumstances to be taken into account. This year, as my DH is recovering from major surgery, we'll spend Christmas Day with ds2, my ddil and dgc. We will have an open house on Boxing Day (for anyone who is around and fancies coming over for an easy-going day) and then go down to see BIL and SIL a couple of days later.

I know that nobody likes the idea that anyone is alone on Christmas Day but equally, so much stress is caused by the almost impossible feat of including everyone in one place that it occurs to me that trying to take the emotional burden away from the 25th December has to be helpful. It really isn't the worst thing in the world for an adult not not to see a parent on one single day of the year even if that is Christmas Day.

In your case OP, with a birthday on Christmas Eve and a mother with anxiety issues, I'd ask your MIL to join you for Boxing Day onwards this year.

Re the Christmas Eve babysitting suggestion - MIL has actually offered to do that the past 2 years, and DH and I have gone out for a drink together in the evening to celebrate my birthday. However it has been dead out, a lot of places shut - people don't seem to go out on christmas eve anymore! So I don't think we'll bother this year, and of course it doesn't solve not seeing my family.

I don't see how it's my mum causing the problem when MIL has another son (unmarried, no children, therefore no other family to think of) who never pulls his finger out to see her on Christmas day. Why should my mum feel on edge all day when she only feels truly comfortable with immediate family in her home? And it's hardly poor MIL when she's coming to us year after year and when I would still be happy to alternate and she does have other family.

Your mum is the problem because she is the one creating barriers.

Does your DH think you should go to MILs every year? What would be his preferred solution?

I don't think it is very helpful to blame the OP's mother for something that I'm sure she'd rather she didn't suffer from! Hopefully she is getting treatment for her anxiety but making a scapegoat out of her for not being up to hosting Christmas with the OP's MIL isn't any sort of solution.

It comes across as you not really wanting your MIL around because your birthday is for your family, as is Christmas Day.

Your mum is an anxious person and I do understand that, my mum had mental health problems and I have a son who is severely disabled, but I think I would be saying to mum we have to find a way to make this happen. I also wonder if you are using your mums anxiety to have a day without MIL.

It is possible that can you say to everyone that you are having Christmas alone this year, just you, DH, and DD.