To wish we could spend Xmas with MY family once in a while?

[WD41]

It's too late to do anything about it this year obviously, but just wondering whether other people would feel the same as me.

My family unit is me, DH and DD(3). We've not been together long - this will be our 5th Christmas. The first year, we spent Christmas day at my parents. I'm close to them, they live nearby & I think we just kind of assumed that from then on, we would alternate years between my parents and DH's.

Unfortunately my FIL passed away the following year. We spent that Christmas with my MIL - it was "her" year anyway but given the circumstances we would have done regardless obviously. If I'm brutally honest I didn't particularly enjoy spending Christmas elsewhere - silly things like the food being different and DD being told to be quiet during the Queen's speech

So, the following year we invited MIL down to spend Christmas with us. We couldn't go to my parents and leave her on her own. DH does have a brother but he's completely useless (think 40 something who still smokes pot) and he likes to spend Christmas in his own house getting stoned - he's not going to visit her and would never host himself. MIL essentially lives with her sister now, but she goes to her own daughter over Xmas.

Going to my parents with my MIL in tow isn't an option either unfortunately. My mum suffers from severe anxiety and although she has nothing against my MIL, she wouldn't be able to cope very well with having a non family member there at Christmas. I completely understand that and would never expect an invite for my MIL. Similarly, my parents (and brother) coming to us wouldn't be an option either. We haven't got the space in our flat to cater for what would be 7 people.

So as it stands, my parents pop round for about an hour on Christmas morning to exchange presents, then they're gone. MIL on the other hand stays with us for 3 nights. I really miss spending the day with them - this will be the third year the same and I don't see how it's ever going to change now.

I'm not a cow and I don't like the thought of MIL being on her own over Xmas. I haven't voiced any of this to DH, but next year do you think it would BU to discuss it with him, and see whether she would be able to spend Xmas with other family (ie her sister or DH's brother)? I have no idea how we would broach it with her without it seeming like she's not wanted, but I would just like the occasional Xmas day with my own family.

I think you are cutting your own mum too much slack too. Mother in law sounds like the more reasonable laid back one, and it sounds like your mums anxiety is being indulged. My own Mil has serious anxiety and other long term mental health problems, but she still wouldn't let an older relative be alone because she is a kind person.

Accepting that people with MH problems need reasonable accommodation is not "cutting them too much slack" or being "indulgent", it's recognising reality. What worked for your MIL may not work for everyone else, because everyone's MH illnesses and capabilities are different.

Even if WD41 was able to insist her mum was social with people she did not feel able to be social with, how much fun would that be for everyone else, too? Not much fun at all, for anybody.

Exactly Archery, the day would be dreadful quite honestly if my mum was forced into hosting for extra people who she doesn't know well.

And for the record, my mum is a kind person. One of the kindest you could hope to meet actually.

Thank you everybody who has given suggestions on how to make things work - it's given me a lot of food for thought, and I feel less guilty in bringing it up with DH knowing that I'm not being completely unreasonable!

Of course she's a kind person And you sound lovely too

I'm sure there's a solution that, whilst maybe not totally ideal for everyone all the time, will be better and more happy for the whole of the group and especially for you.

Just wondering has anyone ever asked MiL how she feels about Christmas Day? It can be fabulous to have it entirely to yourself, I've loved it, and to do the family special occasions on other days. She may feel she just can't leave you and dh to yourselves if you need her.

It's only 3 nights Infinity (I agree 2 would be better!)

DH's brother dropping her here, haha that's a funny one. He doesn't drive and is even unable to get on public transport to see people.

Bear in mind the current arrangements started after DH's dad died, he hasn't meant to BU to anybody, just looking out for his mum.

As long as he's receptive when we talk I don't think he's been U so far

Oh bless it can be so complicated with families and people on their own can't it. And people can be kind and considerate and perfectly decent and reasonable people and still get caught up in entrenched patterns of how it's always been done and expecting it that way every time.

I have always loved having Christmas Day to myself when it's developed that way, so it's possible she'd be receptive to that idea. But I suppose it's unlikely, because you generally have to have tried it once or twice to realise how lovely it is

But I agree, I don't think it is too late to ask your MIL to come over on Christmas Day this year. That would at least give you Christmas Eve as your day, which you can spend in whatever way makes you happiest. Relaxing for your birthday, or spending the whole day with your parents. I don't think that's a lot to ask and I don't think it'll ruin anything for anyone else.

How am I quite the expert OP?! I didn't say I was I just said I'd had anxiety and things could be sorted out.

Wow I just stated maybe a way round this.

You rude nasty person to attack me.

I have had anxiety attacks etc for many years but with help of family and friends developed coping strategies so now I don't get attacks.

And you know what coping strategies helped me?! It was people not being über careful round me, talking to me and try to be understanding about my anxiety. That was what I was trying to say. Obviously your mum's anxiety is a real sore point with you so that's all I will say on this matter.

Superfly you said that my mum is being unfair to my mil by having anxiety, which is untrue and coming from somebody who says they have suffered from anxiety themselves, not very understanding.

You also said that I am using it as an excuse not to see my mil which given I spend christmas with her every year is obviously not the case. If that were true I would hardly be angsting about it on here would I

I'm not sure how I can "quite easily" sort out my mum's feelings - I have been trying to help my whole adult life. I'm glad that your anxiety has been cured, but do you not understand that people are different? Maybe my mum is worse?

I'm not rude or nasty, I just don't take kindly to all the assumptions you made.

I didn't say your mum was being unfair to your mil by having anxiety I just wondered if for one day she could cope etc. That was what I was saying I've been on beta blockers and had therapy etc for my bad anxiety attacks.

I've got an uncle with treated schizophrenia but he socialises as and when he's able to.

I'm sorry your mother is bad with anxiety. I don't want to say anything else about your mothers anxiety.

What I was saying was what others were saying too yet you leapt on my post.

Like I said I think this is sensitive for you so I'll leave this here. It certainly has touched a raw nerve with me.

You obviously don't realise how dismissive your original post came across as, which is why I responded as I did. Also a bit tired of having to defend my mum and explain her anxiety over and over again as I'd already done several times before you posted.

And I'm not sure what your uncle has to do with anything. He's not my mum.

Hell would freeze over before I had my DParents and my DPIL together for Christmas. They are both lovely, but ever so different. Christmas would be a total nightmare.

So I can totally understand keeping them separate.

But WD, do you think you might be underestimating your MIL? If you only see her every now and then, what else does she do with her time? She must have some friends, some sort of a social life. I know in our village they often have small get togethers of people who are on their own, and they have a wonderful time!

If she doesn't have any sort of social life etc, then I'm sorry to be harsh, but she cannot rely on you to be there for everything. At some point you will want your own Christmas, in your own home, just your own small family, and you should be allowed that. I think starting next year you need to take a year off, every now and then, and have her either come later, or visit her a few days later.

YANBU.

Just say early next year "I'd like to spend Christmas dinner with my family this year - and share DD out a bit over the years".

I think the problem is your brother in law. Why should op's mother have to take responsibility for the mil but the mils son takes none!

OP - if the situation were different, would you want your mum to spend Xmas Day alone?

I think leaving your MIL on her own at Christmas would be a mean thing to do, especially if she is basically someone you get on with. If it were my children doing this, I would feel extremely sad. That may be unreasonable, and there may be other days at Christmas, but Christmas Day is special, particularly to older people and knowing that your child actually cares enough to invite you is important particularly if your partner has died fairly recently. The fact that your BIL is no use is just how it is and your MIL can't change that now. How horrible to feel that you are your childrens' 'responsibility' to put up with at Christmas.

Having been an only child, my lovely husband accepted that we saw my very elderly dad every Christmas Day or he would have been on his own. His parents always came over in the evening so everyone was happy, even if it meant a buffet and a bit of a squash!

Why would the MIL be 'alone'?

She is a laid back woman, she lives with her sister so they must be close - perhaps she could go to her nieces with her sister?

There would be no need for her to be alone if she didn't want to be, she has the sister she (almost) lives with plus another sister she's close to, as well as her other son. Plenty of family

Think you've had a bit of a hard time here OP.
Why is your DM getting a hard time when your BIL isn't?
I think you need to have the discussion with your DH for next Christmas (perhaps have MIL over on Boxing Day got a few days?) but it's not too late for this year to ask your MIL to arrive Christmas Day morning.

No perfect solution, but it's really clear that you are doing your best to make Christmas great for everybody. And yes, I do get that you want to see your own family at Christmas, and that's quite reasonable.

I'm wondering if it would be possible ( maybe not this year given your Mum's problems) for you to host Christmas, but at your Mum's house? So that she doesn't have too much to worry about, but can provide the space?

And maybe try to get Mum and MiL together a few( several) times over the next year so that your Mum is more comfortable with her? Could your Mum be persuaded to have MiL over, with you, just for a cup of tea, occasionally? For short ( say half hour or even 15 minute) visits? Or if more comfortable for your Mum, at your home, or in a cafe. But it would be better in your Mum's home so that she could get used to the idea of having people in her home.

Because although she doesn't feel like family yet to your Mum, she is now, and they presumably have a lot in common, as they have produced you and DH who sound like lovely people. And of course they have DD in common. And this is going to an on-going issue.