To wish we could spend Xmas with MY family once in a while?

[WD41]

It's too late to do anything about it this year obviously, but just wondering whether other people would feel the same as me.

My family unit is me, DH and DD(3). We've not been together long - this will be our 5th Christmas. The first year, we spent Christmas day at my parents. I'm close to them, they live nearby & I think we just kind of assumed that from then on, we would alternate years between my parents and DH's.

Unfortunately my FIL passed away the following year. We spent that Christmas with my MIL - it was "her" year anyway but given the circumstances we would have done regardless obviously. If I'm brutally honest I didn't particularly enjoy spending Christmas elsewhere - silly things like the food being different and DD being told to be quiet during the Queen's speech

So, the following year we invited MIL down to spend Christmas with us. We couldn't go to my parents and leave her on her own. DH does have a brother but he's completely useless (think 40 something who still smokes pot) and he likes to spend Christmas in his own house getting stoned - he's not going to visit her and would never host himself. MIL essentially lives with her sister now, but she goes to her own daughter over Xmas.

Going to my parents with my MIL in tow isn't an option either unfortunately. My mum suffers from severe anxiety and although she has nothing against my MIL, she wouldn't be able to cope very well with having a non family member there at Christmas. I completely understand that and would never expect an invite for my MIL. Similarly, my parents (and brother) coming to us wouldn't be an option either. We haven't got the space in our flat to cater for what would be 7 people.

So as it stands, my parents pop round for about an hour on Christmas morning to exchange presents, then they're gone. MIL on the other hand stays with us for 3 nights. I really miss spending the day with them - this will be the third year the same and I don't see how it's ever going to change now.

I'm not a cow and I don't like the thought of MIL being on her own over Xmas. I haven't voiced any of this to DH, but next year do you think it would BU to discuss it with him, and see whether she would be able to spend Xmas with other family (ie her sister or DH's brother)? I have no idea how we would broach it with her without it seeming like she's not wanted, but I would just like the occasional Xmas day with my own family.

Most people like to be with their children at Christmas, I'm guessing MiL would rather be with her son and grandchildren as her sister is.

YANBU at all and I think you've been really generous so far in giving your MIL a place to go every year. However, you're right to try and break the cycle of expectation now, rather than let it go on and on so that it gets to the point where you can't do anything else. You'll probably find that since you're planning on giving her plenty of warning that she'll find someone else to spend the day with and all will be well. And if that happens then I think I would move to make her Christmas visit every other year again, as it was before the passing of your FIL. Unless she's very unreasonable herself, and she doesn't sound it, I'm sure she will understand and be find about it.

There have now been two threads where one sibling is left with the caring of the parent cause the other sibling is a loser or can't be bothered.

MIL has a sister she can spend Christmas with and an loser son. It is a sad situation because I am sure we could all be in MIL position one day, our children partner not wanting us there thus leaving us alone at Christmas. Looking forward to old age!! Not.

I really don't think it's about not wanting her there...

It's clear the OP has happily had MIL over every year. She's not complaining about this. She'd like a better balance, that's all. And that is absolutely fair.

Infinity8, yes, we consider our children's in laws to be part of the family and we are considered part of theirs.

Each of us love our children and in return we love the people they love. We just really do what we can to make life as good as we can for our children, their spouses, and our grandchildren. Who needs a family at war or for their to be undercurrents - we all have a common bond. Our lovely children and grandchildren.

I currently have my DIL's mum and dad here on holiday from abroad, its our grandsons birthday tomorrow, it will be a good day and one we are all looking forward to en masse.

Mind you it's true, we could all be in MIL's place someday. Which is why I will aim to build a full and fulfilling life well into old age, making sure I have the emotional resources to enable me to live quite happily with a Christmas Day on my own here and there if that's the best way to accommodate the needs and wishes of wider family in a way that is fair to everyone.

The answer is
You go to DP's on Xmas Eve and spend the day there, almost an early Xma day.
You spend Xmas day on your own,
DMIL arrives Xmas day tea time for Xmas dinner or turkey sannies if you've eaten.

And it's that every year, or you put DMIL off until Boxing Day.

DMIL spends 364 days on her own and is a laid back lady, would missing Xmas morning or day, whichever you choose, really matter? And surely she has friends, other widowed friends, and useless son to see?

Don't assume Xmas Day is such a big event for her, once your DCs grow up it isn't so special imv.

YANBU at all and I think you've been really generous so far in giving your MIL a place to go every year. However, you're right to try and break the cycle of expectation now, rather than let it go on and on so that it gets to the point where you can't do anything else. You'll probably find that since you're planning on giving her plenty of warning that she'll find someone else to spend the day with and all will be well. And if that happens then I think I would move to make her Christmas visit every other year again, as it was before the passing of your FIL. Unless she's very unreasonable herself, and she doesn't sound it, I'm sure she will understand and be find about it.

Agreed. OP, you are doing everything you can to keep all sides happy. As you have said, for this year, it will be the usual. If possible, start to sow a few seeds in everyone's mind about next year, so that things can move back to alternate years, as was the original arrangement.

I can't believe how people are blaming the OP's Mum for this situation, she has a right to spend Christmas the way she wants, and not have an extra person foisted on her when she has problems with anxiety. Why is that fair, when the OP's MIL is seemingly laid back and has no health problems. Everyone seems to have to bend over backwards to make sure MIL is OK, at their own expense.

My IL's got on fine with my parents on the times they came together at family events, but they absolutely would not have barged into each other's Christmas celebrations. I accept some people on here have a different experience with their IL's, but in the real world how practical is it to automatically love your children's IL's just because they do? Everyone is different and the OP has stated her reasons why she can't bring her MIL to her parent's house, and that seems like a fair enough reason. YANBU OP but it is a difficult situation.

Are you in touch with her sisters family? Is there any way you could suggest that they could host both of them next year, and that the following year you host both MIL and her sister? Then you're sure that MIL is being looked after and you're free to enjoy some family time with your parents alternative years.
Your mums anxiety issues are nothing to do with this and it's sad that posters feel free to place the 'blame' on her for MILS Christmas arrangements.

Real lack of understanding on here about social anxiety and how very impossible it would be for OP's mother to have another 'stranger' around.

I agree with the wise advice above that the answer may be to portion out Christmas day more - maybe spend Xmas Eve to late afternoon Xmas day with your parents, then seen MIL thereafter.

I wonder how old MIL is, I hope a good decade or two older than me, as I would be mortified to think my DCs were wringing their hands over the problems I was causing over Xmas.

I've had years of happy Xmases with my DCs, I like to see DGC but can find ways of amusing myself if I don't (possibly trip somewhere warm and sunny this Xmas) I'm not a pathetic old soul, lonely and miserable, sitting sadly with my lone mince pie.

If she if there for 3 days would it be an idea for you to bring yourself and your dd to your parents for boxing day dinner and leave your dh and his mom to have some time together - maybe go somewhere for a few hours together? Maybe a pub lunch somewhere?

I love my dh but visiting my parents without him is different than visiting with him.

Thats my suggestion for this year btw - I think you need to alternate for next year.

Moniker she is in her early 70s. I don't see her as a pathetic old soul at all, I think she's very strong and capable.

By the same token, I completely understand that spending Christmas with us would be her first choice. DD is her first GC, and likely to be her only one. DH is her only normal settled child, and then factor in that she lost her DH just 3 years ago. Yes I'm sure she would be absolutely fine if she had to spend Christmas alone, but that's not going to be her first choice either.

I don't think that she is causing this problem, it's just one that exists due to other factors.

I dont have a lack of understanding re social anxiety. My mother was sectioned countless times during her lifetime and she died in our local psychiatric hospital after choking on her lunch during. She was 58 when she died. My son is at the most severe end of the autistic spectrum and has such severe anxieties that he is medicated for that and some other mental health problems with some very heavy duty medication that helps but doesnt take away the problems. We live our life keeping his anxiety levels as low as possible but we still manage to have family gatherings and its very rare we ever have to cancel things. Tomorrow we have about 30 people at home for my grandsons first birthday party - a lot has gone into the planning of it because I really do believe that where there's a will there's a way for something to be able to go ahead.

Cariad would you prioritise an in law above your son if you knew that it would make him distressed? Even if there was another option?

helpful tip, don't buy another table, can you lift off a door & put on top, or get a wallpaper table & trestles, add table cloth......Bingo
Hoping you enjoy your Xmas this year & have it at yours next year !!! everyone can bring something, mince pies, bread sauce, pud etc can all be "farmed out", mil can prep all the veg the night before while baby sitting when u r out having time with hubby.....Sorted

ps, rubbish bill can foot the bill for the booze !

This thread is so weird - I cannot wrap my head around the OPs parents being considered selfish by some under the circumstances. I also don't think that it is unreasonable for the OP to want to see her folks at Christmas without MIL...almost all the suggestions have been 'you can see both at the same time, don't be tight'...I read this as the OP wanting to see her parents, giving their family some time without a PIL peering over her shoulder. Maybe her laid back nice MIL is still someone with whom the OP can't completely relax, maybe the OP actually wants her poor Mum to chill out with the people she loves and not be on her 'best behaviour'..no amount of big table is going to address that!

OP, I agree that stretching Xmas out over a few days is the way forward and you should give your DH the benefit of the doubt. I am sure he will understand that you want a break before this routine gets bedded in for 20 odd years whether you want it to or not. Tell him what you would like to achieve and work out the best way of doing it - which days 'belong' to whom and how best to manage the message. If he is half decent, he will get it!

WD41 - you sound very normal to me... trying to reconcile the needs of everyone so that everyone has the best Christmas they can - including you! Those who say MIL should be left to other son - Bah Humbug! Who wants to spend Christmas with someone who has to be bullied into it!

Have a chat with your DH and try some of the suggestions made on this thread - both you your Mum and your MIL sound like nice people, I'm sure it's not beyond the wit of the combined collective of you to work out a sensible solution.

We were in a similar situation growing up.

Df's dm was widowed before they married. Df's only sibling was in the army so often abroad or not accessible. Plus his dw also had a similar situation. Dgran didn't drive, and in all honesty even if she could have would not have wanted to travel that far at Christmas.
Dm's dp had 3 other children who always went to them for Christmas.

On the face of that it's no contest.

But:
So every 23rd December we'd get stuck for hours on the M6 to travel 300 miles away to be with dgran. She lived in a tiny 2 bed flat with nothing other than dominoes and cards to play with-and there wasn't space in the car (mini-for 5 of us) to bring toys or even most of the presents. I had stockings, which tended to be mostly practical things and a book.

And we'd arrive back home after new year just in time to have missed all our cousins and aunts/uncles staying with the other grandparents.
This was true for all except 2 years of dp first 23 or 24 years of married life.

I don't know if dm ever tried to object. I don't think she did, I certainly never heard any complaints out of her. Even when it got to the stage that arriving on 23rd had to be followed by doing all the shopping for the week plus, and dp would be doing all the cooking over the time there-so it wasn't even she got a rest from that-in fact it was much harder as she had a kitchen/cooker/pans for one single person with not much appetite. (and we won't go into the Christmas evening dinner dgran proudly produced as a treat one year-SPAM and bread!)

The two years we didn't go were when we dc were around primary age, and my uncle was stationed nearby and had arranged it for dgran.
Problem was that actually Christmas was really flat. We didn't have any "we do this every year" traditions as our tradition was really going away. And it didn't seem really worth trying to establish any because we knew they couldn't continue.

As we, as children, grew up, we did get to resent dgran. Because of the situation any times Christmas/New year/Mother's day/Easter etc. had to be celebrated at her house. I think we'd have had a better relationship with her if we hadn't felt forced to go every time.

So I think my advice to OP would be:
Do it this year, but state that next year will be your parents' turn. You may find mil finds something else that she wants to do. I suggest you estabish some sort of rota so she knows what situation she's in.
Perhaps:
MIL, OP's dp, on own: Or if generous: MIL, MIL DP.

The thing is if you don't do that then you need to let your MIL know in time for her to potentially make other arrangements.
Also I've just had it with dh that he said "it's ages since we were with my dp" I pointed out that we were with them 3 years ago, my dp last year and on our own last year. He wouldn't beleive me it was that short a time until I got the photos out.

WD41, my son comes first and no difference would be made in any decision regarding family get togethers because someone is technically an 'in law'. Family is family regardless, there's no she or he is 'just an in law', and I think that's the difference between us and why we are approaching it the way we are.

Is there any reason why you can't take a break from visitors this year and have it with your husband and DD? That way you could have everything the way you want it and your wee girl wouldnt be told to be quiet during the Queen's speech. :)

That probably is the difference re in laws, I do see them differently. My mum has been my mum for nearly 40 years, whereas I have only known my MIL for 5 and she's only been my actual MIL for 2 years. From my mum's point of view I just don't expect her to see my MIL as her family, somebody who in reality she has only met a handful of times. I don't know whether you have a big extended family or not and whether that has a bearing on how you view in laws? My family is very small which I think reinforces who is actually part of it if that makes sense?

Haven't read all the posts, so sorry if this has been said,... Does your MiL know all this is going on?
Could she not,perhaps go with her sister to her nieces?

You may be assuming that Xmas with you is her first choice

People often get themselves in a state about Xmas and who should do what, and they take on the responsibility for someon eelse whether it is wanted or not! - that is what causes all the stress!

AIBU isn't the best place to post if you are going to be sensitive about the answers.

YANBU to want to spend Christmas Day with your parents once in a while / alternate years and to discuss with your DH ways you can facilitate this. You sound very considerate and want to keep everyone happy. I think the key is getting your DH onside first, so he won't cave immediately if your MIL doesn't like the idea. If her arriving on Christmas Day rather than Christmas Eve would be sufficient for you, then start there (next year.) Or if she can go to her niece's on Christmas Day and come to you on Boxing Day, that might be even better. The main thing is to make it clear that you do want to see her over the Christmas period, but you will be spending the day itself with your parents - not every year, just sometimes.

Of course longer term it would be great if you could get your DM and MIL to spend more time together and get to know each other better so your DM can become more relaxed with her. My DP and I take our DMs for days out together from time to time for that very reason.