To wish we could spend Xmas with MY family once in a while?

[WD41]

It's too late to do anything about it this year obviously, but just wondering whether other people would feel the same as me.

My family unit is me, DH and DD(3). We've not been together long - this will be our 5th Christmas. The first year, we spent Christmas day at my parents. I'm close to them, they live nearby & I think we just kind of assumed that from then on, we would alternate years between my parents and DH's.

Unfortunately my FIL passed away the following year. We spent that Christmas with my MIL - it was "her" year anyway but given the circumstances we would have done regardless obviously. If I'm brutally honest I didn't particularly enjoy spending Christmas elsewhere - silly things like the food being different and DD being told to be quiet during the Queen's speech

So, the following year we invited MIL down to spend Christmas with us. We couldn't go to my parents and leave her on her own. DH does have a brother but he's completely useless (think 40 something who still smokes pot) and he likes to spend Christmas in his own house getting stoned - he's not going to visit her and would never host himself. MIL essentially lives with her sister now, but she goes to her own daughter over Xmas.

Going to my parents with my MIL in tow isn't an option either unfortunately. My mum suffers from severe anxiety and although she has nothing against my MIL, she wouldn't be able to cope very well with having a non family member there at Christmas. I completely understand that and would never expect an invite for my MIL. Similarly, my parents (and brother) coming to us wouldn't be an option either. We haven't got the space in our flat to cater for what would be 7 people.

So as it stands, my parents pop round for about an hour on Christmas morning to exchange presents, then they're gone. MIL on the other hand stays with us for 3 nights. I really miss spending the day with them - this will be the third year the same and I don't see how it's ever going to change now.

I'm not a cow and I don't like the thought of MIL being on her own over Xmas. I haven't voiced any of this to DH, but next year do you think it would BU to discuss it with him, and see whether she would be able to spend Xmas with other family (ie her sister or DH's brother)? I have no idea how we would broach it with her without it seeming like she's not wanted, but I would just like the occasional Xmas day with my own family.

Gobbolino I think truth be told my mum would rather be in her own home, with her own family, as that's what she's done each year for the past 40 odd years. But yes she could cope with seeing MIL at my house - it's nothing personal against my MIL, she would feel the same about anybody really.

OP, I get that your mum would be geared up to do Christmas lunch at hers, but could she be convinced to change the 1 hour before lunch (that's rushed before getting back to do christmas at her house) for serving her lunch earlier, then coming over to yours for christmas tea? Just means that can be stretched out to 3-4 hours (or longer if they stay for the evening) rather than 1. Hosting an afternoon buffet (esp if people have already had a full christmas dinner at lunch time) is a lot less hassle for a large group in a small house than a formal sit down meal.

We used to do 'christmas party tea' at my Nana's house, it was always a more relaxed affair than many morning dos because the 'work' bit of hosting christmas (the 'big meal') is done, the gift exchange has been done, it's the more relaxed part of hte day and might be easier for your mum if she suffers from anxiety, then it might help to be seeing you after the things she might find stressful are done.

OP you have to suck it up for this year but get next year planned early. Great advice about having things to do for Boxing Day (panto, cinema, walk) where everyone is involved and also get your Christmas Eve birthday planned so it suits you as well.

oh and I can easily see your mum would have no problem being in your MIL's company at your house or out of the house somewhere, but would struggle with hosting her, if your mum does find hosting hard, then hosting someone who is an 'outsider' who might 'judge' her (even if you know MIL wouldn't) would be stressful, whereas being a guest along with MIL would put them on an equal footing and less stress inducing.

Plan through out the year lots of occasions with your mum and MIL so MIL is less of an outsider might really help in the long term.

I feel for you op. I don't think blaming your mum is helpful here when your bil seems to be getting off Scott free!

My dh is an only child and my mil is a widow. Even before, fil died there was an expectation that our Christmases would be spent with pil. My parents are very relaxed and don't get hung up on a particular day plus I have 2 siblings.

One of the saving graces of going to pil is that we get to spend the day with my dh aunt, uncle and family. However I am now nearly 40 with 2 dc of my own and want to start establishing our own family traditions.

This year we are having Christmas at home with mil. She will come up on Christmas day morning so we can spend some time opening gifts with dc. We aren't having turkey because I'm not keen. Would you be able to suggest to your mil that she comes to you on Christmas day? Assuming she drives, the roads are lovely and clear and I love driving on Christmas morning. You can then spend your birthday with your parents. For next year, please speak to your dh about your bil stepping up. I doubt bil will but at least your dh will hopefully be more understanding.

In some ways, I am very lucky in that dh and I went to New Zealand for one Christmas. Whenever I feel a bit sad that our Christmas isn't exactly what we want, I get the photo album out and relive those memories. Ultimately it was really selfish us going but it keeps me from getting resentful.

Mary I do think a teatime buffet could be a good idea. You are completely right about it helping my mum to see us after the things she finds stressful have been done. Atm they come round for an hour or so in the morning, but I can see that she's on edge and I know it's because she's thinking about getting back to start her lunch.

We moved this year and are now in easy walking distance of my parents too, which means they could both have a drink with their lunch - they would have had to have driven to us in previous years.

That is exactly it Mary re her feeling judged by "outsiders" - thank you for understanding.

perfect then! it's not such a big change for your mum to get stressed about at such short notice, and walking distance also means that if she's finding it stressful, she can go home a little earlier (if maybe your DH would walk her home if she finds walking it alone hard) and your Dad and DB stay for a couple more drinks if they want to. (even if she doesn't do that, knowing she could might make it easier, not feeling 'trapped')

It might be lovely to build your own traditions, just because the big roast meal is the "main event" for the day for most people, is no reason why a tea time buffet party with both sides of her family (after a nice roast lunch) can't be the 'big bit' of the day for your DD as she grows up.

You need a gradual plan.

1 - Next year - however squashed, you need to host with your MIL staying and your family coming to you. Buffet if necessary with people eating on their laps - try to make it fun or an evening buffet

2 - Talk to your Mum about it this year give her plenty of time to get used to the idea that next year will be at yours with MIL - because you want to see them

3 - see if getting your MIL and mum together a few more times in the year might make your mum feel happier about inviting her over one year.

4 - consider going out for lunch if you can afford it

5 - talk to MIL and explain to her too - if she is as laid back as you say then she should be quite happy for you to disappear off for the evening to see your parents. Or leave your DH with her and you and DC go. Or meet up with everyone for a long walk and go have drinks with everyone at your house then everyone goes back for dinner in their own houses.

6 - depending on how your MIL comes down - get her to arrive lunchtime on Xmas day and spend the morning at your mums.

I suppose that I can understand that I really am in the minority in looking at it a little differently when it comes to specific days. That's fair enough.

I hope you'll have a lovely Christmas and that everyone can be accommodated in such a way that you'll all feel happy and contented. At least one good thing is that you'll have a whole year to figure out what to do next time

Could all of you, including your parents and brother, go to your mother in law's for the day?

Sorry if this has been suggested and I missed it. Seems the obvious answer if nothing else will work

Oh that gradual plan is a great idea. I like the idea of getting DM and MIL together a few times to see if you might be able to help your mum to feel more comfortable. Especially because anxiety is really horrible (i know what it's like ) and anything that might encourage just a little step of extra friendliness and conversation here and there would probably do your mum the world of good. I know you don't want to make it about her anxiety and I'm sorry if it's upsetting, but I only meant it might be a lovely, positive thing to do. I guess you'll know whether it's something that might work or not.

And I agree, there is a special charm about squashing everyone into your home for one of those proper family Christmases. It might turn out really lovely.

Just wanted to say I think you come across as very caring and not at all Unreasonable.

I think you're right to stick to plans this year and have the conversation as soon as poss after Christmas itself, if it's going to turn into lengthy discussions/tears then you don't want to overshadow Christmas with it.

FWIW this will be the first year we've done the same thing at Christmas because over the 10 yrs DH and I have been together there have been various moves abroad, babies, estrangement from (his) family members etc and two years we just decided to do it on our own - one of those it was just us two (we knew we'd be ttcing in the new year) and we went to Prague, stayed in a lush hotel, it was brilliant!

In terms of having a small space - we did one year manage to host the three of us (2yo DS), my mum and dad and brother, DH's dad, sister, bil and niece in our tiny 2bed London flat. My family drive up for the day 1.5hours away, his stayed overnight on various blow up beds, and our downstairs neighbors went away but left us their keys so we could use their oven as well as our own. We didn't even have a dining table let alone chairs so it was dinner on our knees or the floor picnic style, rammed into a tiny living room. It was chaos but it was awesome.

Hotel/restaurant is always a potentially viable option too - we did that once or twice as a child.

Good luck, I'm sure you'll eventually work it out and any tantrums will just be initial reaction and it'll settle down again

Why do some people seem to think that OP's mum should just deal with it and is causing problems by only wanting people she considers close family over for Christmas because she has mental health problems. Great amount of tolerance and understanding going on.

As for the 'we've had 20 over for Christmas lunch in our studio flat before and it was great' brigade. Well really, it sounds like hell.

OP by the sounds of things your DH and MIL don't have any reason to think you aren't totally happy with the arrangement, i'd talk to your Dh before Christmas and say you're happy with the plans for this Christmas but would like to go to your mums next year and what does he think is the best way to let MIL know.

OP, does your MIL drive, or does she get to you by train? Because her coming on xmas day itself would give you back at least one of the days she is occupying - your birthday.

Not sure if anyone else suggested it as I haven't read the whole thread, but...

Could you alternate inviting MIL for Christmas and then New Year the next year?

Yep MIL drives, takes her about 1.5 hours to get to us - I wish she would drive down on Xmas Day, would make the whole thing a bit easier. I think that was DH's idea the first year, as he didn't like the idea of her being alone at all on Xmas day. Which was fair enough but seems to have now become just the way it is.

I think you need plans for your birthday next year - and every year - which mean neither you nor your DH will be home on xmas eve, but on the years when your MIL is spending xmas with you, it will be lovely to see her in time for lunch on xmas day... And of course, the roads will be a lot clearer, too, so great all round.

(That's how I'd sell it, anyway.)

i think an early ish lunch and then you host a buffet tea for everyone in the afternoon/evening is the best solution. Especially if your parents live within walking distance.

Lots of drinks, some fun family games, tasty nibbles. I wouldn't feel like I hadn't seen my family if they all turned up at 5pm and stayed for the evening.

YEs but everything is "the way it is"... until you do something different then its the way it isn't anymore!

No family Christmases go unchanged forever - they are differnt when you are single, when you marry when you have small children, when you have teenagers, when you have elderly parents etc. Things need to change to meet everyone needs and address everyones wishes as best you can.

You cannot revolve everything around MIL and ignore everyone elses desires just because your DH decided one year (understandably given the loss of her DH) thats how it would be that year.

Of course you can change things! MIL would be better off driving over Xmas morning, there is virtually no traffic. It would be sad for her to be on her own, especially if her other son is so useless.

The idea of an evening get together at yours is brilliant too. Not a big eating session, just informal and lovely.

One day and your mum can't cope/relax with your MIL coming? that's very unfair to your MIL. Sounds more of an excuse for you not to have MIL to be honest.

You could quite easily arrange so your MIL knows how to cope/deal with your mum's severe anxiety and vice versa.

I've had severe anxiety in the past too, and I admit have locked myself away in a bedroom as a teen, not advocating your mum does this but if she knew she could escape to peace and quiet but not miss out on festivities then I'm sure she would not want your MIL not to come.

Yes my mum's anxiety, which has literally kept her a prisoner in her own home in the past for months on end, is unfair to my mil.

You're quite right, she should just suck it up for one day and hide in the bedroom if needs be.

FFS.

Can you explain how I should "quite easily arrange" for my mil to deal with my mum's anxiety and vice versa then? As you sound quite the expert.