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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to tell my sister to suck it up

258 replies

Vodkajellies · 17/11/2014 20:49

I've booked a trip to Disneyland for dcs birthday originally it was just going to be myself and dcs my sil asked if she could come so we booked everything and it was all paid up and my dsis asked if she could come but as the room was full she had to pay a reduced price for an extra room all was fine until exdp said he'd really love to join us after the last few months it would be a turning point
for us,I've given him the price of adding himself on and told my dsis about she is now refusing to go as she doesn't like exdp (neither do I but its besides the point) anyway she said he can buy her tickets which are almost twice as much as what I've told him he has to pay and I know if I tell him it's more it will cause an argument and he will probably end up not coming.
So would I bu to tell dsis it's tough I've given ex the price he has given me the money or tell ex he has to pay to more? U know their his dcs and he's a shit but he's not rolling in it.

OP posts:
londonrach · 18/11/2014 07:42

Agree with morloth either given full refund to dp or dsis. Yabu to your dsis re the change of planned holiday without telling her.

londonrach · 18/11/2014 07:44

Sorry ex dp

riverboat1 · 18/11/2014 08:41

One might say that given the sister herself was a late addition to the holiday she might have had reason to think more people after her could potentially end up being added on too.

I do see the sister's point but she'd be in a stronger position if she and OP had jointly organised the trip rather than it having been her who asked if she could join a trip clearly 'owned' in terms of project management, by OP. Of which she was the SECOND late addition.

Jux · 18/11/2014 09:27

If your ex is now joining in on his child's birthday treat, is he contributing to it? Seems to me he's just freeloading. As he's muscled in on it, and they're his dc too then I would expect him to be paying something towards the trip.

Betsy003 · 18/11/2014 10:20

Yep I think you have to suck it up OP. Give sis her money back

RobbStarksBitch · 18/11/2014 11:16

I'm going to totally disagree with most people here and say that considering it was YOUR holiday to begin with and everyone else has jumped on the band wagon then your sister has no right to moan about who comes.

As far as I understood it no one was actually invited it was just you and your dcs? I don't understand why anyone would just invite themselves on your holiday but if it's ok with you then that's fine. YANBU in my eyes.

Jolleigh · 18/11/2014 11:44

It became their holiday too once they paid their share.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/11/2014 11:52

I can't imagine anything worse than going on a 'trip of lifetime' with my ExH.
No thanks.
We get on fine but I would not want him on a trip I'd planned for me and my DC.
Do a celebration all together at home when you get back.
This is just a bit weird as far as I'm concerned.
Stop trying to play happy families.
He cheated on you. You split up. You don't like him. You have a new partner. You do NOT go on holiday together with an ex.
Icky!

Zucker · 18/11/2014 11:54

Wow your ex has got a great deal in all of this. You organise and pay for yourself and your children to go on a holiday of a lifetime. Your arse of an ex rocks up and you bend over backwards so poor diddums doesn't have to upset himself to the detriment of YOUR OWN SISTER.

Enjoy your holiday I hope the children don't remember it for all the wrong reasons.

You can say NO to people by the way. Just because people decide they want to tag along doesn't mean it's the law and you must say yes.

Zucker · 18/11/2014 11:55

What does his new lover think of him playing happy families with his ex on holiday I wonder?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 18/11/2014 11:58

Zucker Part of me expects an update saying his OW wants to come along. They've been together what 2 years, if I read it right, so its possible.

Imagine if that happened, "OW is coming or I'm not going" from the ex.

HedgehogsDontBite · 18/11/2014 12:03

OP why are you doing this to yourself. If your sister wants to go, she can sort it out herself. If you ex wants to go, he can sort it out himself.

Dump the lot of them and go on your own with your kids as you originally planned.

ptumbi · 18/11/2014 12:36

Zucker - yep, OPs exDPs OW (?) will want to come too, (she can take OPs sis place?) so OP may as well drop out. then it becomes ExDP, his OW, his DC, his dsis and her dc...

Nice family holiday! Grin

TooMuchCantBreathe · 18/11/2014 16:18

I suspect op has decided we're all bonkers and we just don't understand and and she's just right! Or words to that effect.

Coyoacan · 18/11/2014 16:34

I think the OP really doesn't like her sister, which makes it very strange that she agreed to her coming on the holiday in the first place.

Original poster
Vodkajellies · 18/11/2014 18:18

Yes I do think you are all bonkers I've just had a busy day.

Anyway to answer some of the posters questions I do care about my dsis but I care about my dcs more I'm not out trying to hurt her or make her feel that I don't care but she is an adult and although her feelings are important so are my dcs If she doesn't come and exdp cannot afford to pay for all the changes then she will lose her money Altogether and I don't have it to give to her I and I don't see why I should have to it is her choice not to come.

My ex will be paying for his own place on the holiday the same as everybody else has I already told him to pay extra as dsis had booked a room by herself so she would have got back half of the room cost back regardless.

We have been apart for two years and in that time we have taken the dcs out together especially in their birthdays so I see no problem with it the dcs know we are not together so personally don't think it will be confusing them in anyway and for him cheating and leaving has nothing to do with this if I was sitting here saying I won't let him see them on their birthday because he cheated I'm sure I would be called every spiteful cow u der the sun. I don't want to get back with him or play happy families because that is not what it is.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 18/11/2014 18:37

Not bonkers, just realistic.

You've gone from little contact with your ex, to going on holiday with him, its not a day, its a week of contact in a unknown place. Dont expect it to be the amazing holiday you think it is, it might be fine, but there is a chance it wont be.

Most of us have acknowledged the difficulties, we arent bonkers for doing so.

Original poster
Vodkajellies · 18/11/2014 18:58

I'm not unrealistic in anyway the longest we haven't spoken for was two months I still speak to and see his family so we are not the best of friends in any sense of the word if he had asked me 6 months ago I would have said no as we would have been at each other's throats constantly our relationship has got better albeit with a few hiccups we can tolerate each other.

I don't think anybody is being unrealistic in what they have said on here but people do judge a situation very quickly it's a forum it's sometimes hard to grasp I cleary haven't explaind everything as well as I could have.

OP posts:
Mrsstarlord · 18/11/2014 19:04

I don't think that statistically its likely that everyone else is wrong and you are right

You don't seem to be able to see anyone else's view except your own slightly odd idea that playing happy families with a man you love but don't like who cheated on you but only has to ask to get you to do what he wants is a good idea.

Lets put this simply
Person A - Yay!! I'm going on holiday
Person B - That sounds great, can I come?
Person A - sure
money paid - tickets booked

Person A - Oh by the way person C is coming now
Person B - I don't like person C and don't want to spend a holiday with them
Person A - Tough, he's coming anyway
Person B - I don't want to come then but all is not lost he can buy my ticket
Person A - No he can't it wouldn't be fair that he has to pay the extra money because he can't afford it but it doesn't matter if you lose your money

So essentially you are prioritising your ex over your sister, you think its acceptable for your sister to be out of pocket but not him, you think your sister is being selfish but actually you are....

Think thats about it

Original poster
Vodkajellies · 18/11/2014 19:23

I didn't say I thought any of you are wrong read my replies carefully.

I am not prioritising my ex over my sister if it were the other way around I would be saying exactly the same thing they would both be paying the same price Ive just said unthread that my sister would be getting back half of what she paid as ex has paid half for her room so no I don't think it's fair that he should have to pay over half of what he has already paid because my sister doesn't want to go as I said I would be saying the same if it were the other way around.

OP posts:
addictedtobass · 18/11/2014 19:25

YABVVU to your sister as your were to your DSIL when you said yes to Dsis coming without asking. But that not withstanding, if you and your ex aren't all friendly that is going to be one shit atmosphere for everyone and given you still love your ex it's going to be worse. Dsis is probably already envisioning every night with your upset and mopey or getting all maudlin because the 'happy families' isn't working out. Add into that tension during the day and who would want to go? I'm surprised your DSIL hasn't backed out.

On another note OP, please don't martyr yourself to give your boy a 'better birthday'. He will have an awesome time with you and one with his dad. As someone whose parents tried it, the kids know and it's fucking shit for them as well. And do you really want to put yourself in a situation where your ex doesn't want you yet he's going out with you? If you didn't want him it would be fine but still loving him, seriously stop being so masochistic.

hamptoncourt · 18/11/2014 19:30

I seriously cannot believe you are going to do this to your sister.

She is only getting back half of what she paid.

I have two sisters and I can assure you none of us would behave so shoddily to each other.

I hope you get the holiday you deserve. I feel so sorry for your sister.

TidyDancer · 18/11/2014 19:46

OP, you are prioritising your ex over your sister by your actions, if not your intent. Therefore your options are as follows:

  1. you ask your ex for the further money and if he won't cough it up then he can't go.

  2. you pay the extra (which would be more appropriate than 1) considering it is you who has created this situation).

  3. you stick with the original arrangement and tell ex that it's not possible for him to go.

Your sister should not be out of pocket because you made a bad choice. I think you need to step back and realise just how unreasonable you are being. You were lucky your SIL didn't mind you changing the holiday first of all, as you should've asked her before saying yes to your sister. I think you have shown some bad judgement here and you need to apologise to your sister.

Original poster
Vodkajellies · 18/11/2014 19:51

She would be getting back half if she came as exdp has given me half for the room
Eg the room is £100 ex gives my sister back £50 because he would now be coming to cover what my sister has already paid, if she didn't come ex would pay the price of her room plus extra costs of changing all details from here to his.

OP posts:
Mrsstarlord · 18/11/2014 19:56

Except that you won't ask him to pay the extra money but you are happy for her to lose out?