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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to tell my sister to suck it up

258 replies

Vodkajellies · 17/11/2014 20:49

I've booked a trip to Disneyland for dcs birthday originally it was just going to be myself and dcs my sil asked if she could come so we booked everything and it was all paid up and my dsis asked if she could come but as the room was full she had to pay a reduced price for an extra room all was fine until exdp said he'd really love to join us after the last few months it would be a turning point
for us,I've given him the price of adding himself on and told my dsis about she is now refusing to go as she doesn't like exdp (neither do I but its besides the point) anyway she said he can buy her tickets which are almost twice as much as what I've told him he has to pay and I know if I tell him it's more it will cause an argument and he will probably end up not coming.
So would I bu to tell dsis it's tough I've given ex the price he has given me the money or tell ex he has to pay to more? U know their his dcs and he's a shit but he's not rolling in it.

OP posts:
addictedtobass · 18/11/2014 20:01

Good luck OP. You're going to need it. Alienating family, playing happys with the ex you love who doesn't want you back. Seriously masochistic and unreasonable to boot.

hellsandwich · 18/11/2014 20:07

So in order for her to get at least half of her money back, she will be forced to go on holiday with someone she dislikes? And if she decides not to, she will lose all of her money? And this is because you said yes to exdp without asking anyone else's opinion? And this is all somehow your sister's fault.

Are you fucking kidding?

motherofmonster · 18/11/2014 20:12

But she should get all of her money back as you have already said that she booked and paid for the holiday before YOU changed the goalposts and announced that exp was coming too.
you took her money, on the understanding that it was you, dsis, and dsil.
if you want to change the arrangements then You cover the full cost if she chooses not to go. How hard is that to understand.
your exp and sis did not book at the same time. She booked and paid first. Otherwise there would be no issue of it costing exp more to change the name om her booking ro his. Ie..he does not have a booking ..she does.

TidyDancer · 18/11/2014 20:14

OP, what are you actually going to do now you've had so many opinions? Because with very very little in the way of people agreeing with you, surely you do understand how unreasonable you area?

addictedtobass · 18/11/2014 20:20

TidyDancer from the OPs updates, she's sure she's not be unreasonable but everyone calling her it is.

motherofmonster · 18/11/2014 20:21

I think op may be off somewhere burying her head in the sand

TidyDancer · 18/11/2014 20:27

Yeah, I figured that tbh, addictedtobass. The sad thing is, there is likely to be a fallout from this that will be sadder than the OP's ex not going on the holiday. I doubt the op will get that until it's too late though.

addictedtobass · 18/11/2014 20:33

I agree, TidyDancer, and I think she's going to fuck herself up with the ex just being there- not to mention the kids. Such a shame, maybe when it all goes tits up she'll reread the threat and see.

NettleTea · 18/11/2014 20:43

so if he is coming now, why isnt he paying half the cost of the kids too? After all, if he wants to play daddy and make like a family, then he should share the cost. I hope he is going to share the childcare whilst out there too? - you should all be able to rota in babysitting duties so the others can go out. And will he be stumping up for half the food, and the treats, etc - Disney aint cheap, thats for sure!!

And as an aside - you say its a 1st birthday. The kids wont remember diddly squat. My kids went last aged 9 and 3 - the 3 year old only has the most fleeting of memories, mostly based of what people have told him. If you think that this will be a memorable event for them you are sadly mistaken.

A holiday with mums and kids would be great - your sister was already happy to pay out for another room. But a holiday with an ex, who you have barely been speaking to for 2 months, who appears to want to freeload a cheap opportunity (probably just jealous that you are doing something good that he couldnt afford without you subsidising him) sounds like a disaster in the making, even without the fact that you still love him thrown into the mix. Its cruel for everyone apart from the ex as far as I can see it.

NettleTea · 18/11/2014 20:50

Most of the trip to Disney involved my youngest terrified of the giant Disney characters (Donald Duck was apparently TOO FLUFFYYYYYY AAAAGGGHHHH) suffering fro heatstroke and having to go to hospital, and dreadful jetlag with wierd sleeping patterns.
Its not a dream holiday until they are old enough to appreciate it.

AuntieMaggie · 18/11/2014 20:51

Am I the only one who thinks that sil may not be happy if the op tells exdp he can't come which may cause an atmosphere between sil and sis and ruin the holiday anyway?

I agree the op may not have handled this brilliantly but I think she's been put in a difficult position where it's not really 'fair' to say to exdp "no you can't spend time with your dc but your sister can"

BastardGoDarkly · 18/11/2014 21:06

10 pages of everyone saying the same thing, put differently.

Obviously op, your conscience is clear Hmm , so what are you going to do???

BastardGoDarkly · 18/11/2014 21:09

Maggie if sil has any sense what so ever, she'll totally get it.

And it's more than fair for a separated couple to go on holiday separately, and for the dcs to spend time with their Aunt.

TooMuchCantBreathe · 18/11/2014 21:54

Hang on, do I have this right?

Originally (well pre ex coming); your dsis was paying for her own room, you were sharing with your dc and exdsil had a room (possibly with her dc??)

Now; your dsis is sharing with you and your dc, dexsil has her room and ex has your dsis room.

Is that right? I'm so confused Confused

maddening · 18/11/2014 21:55

F ex hasn't 't got actual tickets then your sister should take precedence. - she asked first and you agreed . After she was out of pocket you allow another person without consulting the others who you agreed could come - you should have asked if anyone objected before saying yes to ex. - the prospect of paying a fortune to come on a holiday with an ex couple who have. "Only just started to get along" after a period of not talking is not a good one.

Should have asked first now your dsis should not be out of pocket - tell ex to pay the amount and you pay to change the name as it is your cock up.

TooMuchCantBreathe · 18/11/2014 22:01

Oh no, I've just seen, you dsis and dc in one room, ex exdsil and dn in another?

So why was your dsis paying for a room? the rules were extra person means extra room so they pay. How come ex only has to pay for half a room? Argh forget it, you're never going to see sense so why am I trying to!

INickedAName · 19/11/2014 00:28

So you and SIL were sharing.
Your sister booked her own room.

You agreed to the ex coming, and took half the cost of your sisters room from him, planning for him to share with his sister and you and dc moving into your sisters room? Without even checking with your sister first?

He's not paying the same as your sister then really. Sister has already paid £100 for her own room as no space with you and SIL. Your ex should be doing the same, in fact he would have to do this anyway if your sister wasn't coming, it's because she's already booked and paid that the chance of him only paying half a room exists. He should have been told from the very start that the cost of his stay would be £100 for his own room. Who suggested he pay half of sisters room and then someone share with her without bothering to check first? Would he have even asked to come if your sister hadn't booked? She has every reason to be pissed off.

I don't understand the cost of name changing making it unaffordable for him either, surely if he is taking your place in the room with SIL then that change in booking will cost just as much.

Sister should sell her holiday on ebay or wherever, can't see her wanting to go now even if you told ex no, you ex can book his own room then he won't have to pay name changes.

murphys · 19/11/2014 07:38

I am totally lost now.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 19/11/2014 07:53

So you've moved people around from the rooms they'd booked and paid for, DSIS having her own room and DSIL & DN sharing with you, without even asking them first?

What if DSIS doesn't want to share with you, TBH I wouldn't want to share with two small kiddies at DisneyLand, I'd want my space and not be woken at the crack of dawn. I bet there's a mix with your DSIS not liking your ex and not wanting to share with two small kiddies.

Your DSIS paid for her own (private) room and you moved her out of this without asking her first. That's just plain rude. DSIS or not, totally rude. You were 100% wrong to do this. I would be furious.

You need to go back to ex and say you'd love him to come, unfortunately the rooms/cost don't work out as you thought and the total he needs to pay will be £x (DSIS share + change of name). If you're so desperate for him to come 'for the sake of the children' Hmm then you pay the difference if it's so hard for him.

TBH we took DD to DisneyLand Paris in May and she was 4.9yo (paid for by my lovely mum otherwise we wouldn't have bothered!). She got loads out of it but there were still a fair number of rides she couldn't go on and she's a very tall 5yo. We won't take her again until she's old enough to do pretty much everything, plus to cope a bit better with the crazy long days. I don't really think it's a place for small children.

Jux · 19/11/2014 08:55

Let me get this.

1st stage:
You book a room for you and dcs, sharing. Room paid for by you.

2nd stage:
SIL asks to join you. All sharing one room, did she pay you for her half?

3rd stage:
Sis asks to join you. SHE books and pays for her own room.
Now there are two rooms, one for your sister which she has paid for in full and one for you and sil to share with children.

4th stage:
Ex wants to come too. Pays for half a room.

So, two rooms are booked and paid for.
You need 3 rooms at least.

Why is ex not paying for a whole room at this point anyway? If he comes, you need an extra room so why isn't he doing that like your sister did?

Why has your sis paid for a whole room which she now has to share? As you are now sharing HER room you should pay for half of it; as your sil is no longer sharing with you, she should pay you back your share of her room.

BastardGoDarkly · 19/11/2014 08:55

Disneyland is my idea of hell

So, what's going to happen op?

Vycount · 19/11/2014 09:03

Wow! All I can say is that if I'd booked and paid for a room of my own I'd keep it. And if I'd booked to go on holiday with a group of people that I liked, then someone added someone I hated without asking me, I wouldn't go and I'd expect that someone to refund me the money I'd spent.
Simple.
This isn't all about the DC, the adults originally booked to come have spent money and are expecting a holiday, it's about them too. (Although why they'd want to go to Disneyland...). What a mess you've created Op.

whatever5 · 19/11/2014 09:43

OP. You are unbelievable. Everyone thinks you are unreasonable (including me) but you still think that it is okay to tell your sister to "suck it up".

Once your sister booked and paid for her own room it was no longer just your holiday. You do not have the right to rearrange another adult's holiday that they have paid for without discussing it with them first. I think that you are also deluding yourself regarding your reasons for inviting your ex along and no doubt your sister feels the same.

hellsandwich · 19/11/2014 13:06

You only have to take a couple of minutes to look at OP's recent posts elsewhere about her ex etc to see this is a complete fucking train wreck waiting to happen. Time waster. Ignore.

SuperFlyHigh · 19/11/2014 13:25

I had a slightly different scenario I'll post here...

about 2 years ago a very close friend of mine asked me to come on holiday with her DP and her DD (3), they booked and booked for me I think I paid about £400. This was in January. We'd spent the Christmas looking at brochures and friend wasn't with her SO/DD's DF at the time.

FFW to end of April same year friend suddenly emails me and tells me that DD's DF wants to come on the holiday and they've just got back together so can he come instead? It was also phrased in the way "he's my future going forward so it's important he comes and you don't".

I was furious and kicked off.

I then got a phone call off friend saying "I've told DD's DF he can't come now and you can come instead as it's YOUR holiday too".

I told her to fuck off to the far end of Fucksville and demanded my deposit back (which I got).

See how both scenarios are very similar??