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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave ds to scream in his cot tonight...

386 replies

listsandbudgets · 17/11/2014 20:43

because I can't manage to deal with him tonight.

He's 2+4. EVERY NIGHT of his life he's screamed endlessly at bedtime. We tried going to him, lying down with him in the dark, cosleeping singing to him, letting him come downstairs, cuddling him, ignoring him, sitting holding his hand, seen GP and had various cchecks carried out to make sure he's not in some kind of pain...

but still he screams endlessly "MAMA,MAMA, MAMA, MAMA, MAMA...

Over and over again.

We finally get him off to sleep about an hour - two hours after putting him to bed (I say we its normally me as dp works away Monday to Thursday and someetimes longer).

He then wakes at 3am and it all happens again until about 4.30-5am.

Its affecting my mental health. I keep losing my temper, keep bursting into tears for no reason, I can't function properly at work and I'm facing a disciplinary for mistakes, I feel like everyone hates me and I wouldn't blame them

I've not had a full nights sleep since 3 months before he was born.

I can 't do it any more. I just can't do it....

AIBU to sleep in teh spare room with a pillow over my head and let him scream?

You'll all flame me I know you'll flame me and I deserve it.

He's still screaming I put him to bed at 8pm and I've already been in and given him 2 X10 minute cuddles

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 17/11/2014 22:05

I do agree with going to sleep clinic and your GP if you haven't already.

However

I wouldn't have an ounce of guilt controlled crying in your circumstance.

Getting your DS to sleep is a greater benefit to him than crying for a few nights.

Massive sympathy.

Princesslucky1 · 17/11/2014 22:09

I feel for you it's very hard but please do not leave him to cry. In his little mind he will not understand where mama is gone. I would be afraid all the crying and upset could cause a convulsion which could be dangerous.
Earplugs are a terrible idea if you have never left him before you don't know how he will react and he could bang his head or anything. Please seek out a sleep specialist ASAP.

Purplepoodle · 17/11/2014 22:10

If you going controlled crying (I did) I would start when your dp is home for a couple of nights as you can tag team and give each other moral support

pointythings · 17/11/2014 22:10

I second sleep clinic and professional help - I don't think simple CC is going to sort this. I am normally anti CC but really - you and your DS both deserve better sleep than this.

handcream · 17/11/2014 22:11

My SIL claims I am hard which is why I was able to make controlled crying work. If you don't want to try it or don't like the idea of it that's fine but lack of sleep is to be taken very seriously. I cannot function day after day.

And for those who say sleep with them or put a mattress on the floor...

Where does your partner go then?

rootypig · 17/11/2014 22:13

handcream controlled crying when you have spent TWO YEARS responding to your child after long intervals of crying is a very different prospect than controlled crying with a baby.

Re mattress on the floor, I suggested this as first step for gradual retreat i.e. an interim measure. To be honest, I'd say partner should go on mattress on floor and OP should be in the marital bed, soundly asleep! Grin

Catsarebastards · 17/11/2014 22:18

And for those who say sleep with them or put a mattress on the floor...

Where does your partner go then?

I'm not really sure what you are asking here but obvious answer is -in their bed. Or they could take turns sleeping beside the baby on the mattress.

girliefriend · 17/11/2014 22:19

Maybe co-sleeping isn't working.

Has he got his own bedroom?

It might be time for him to have his own bed, in his own bedroom. You could make this a really exciting transition for him.

Wishfulmakeupping · 17/11/2014 22:23

Hope you get some rest OP the lack of sleep for so long sounds bloody awful. Hope for some peaceful night for you both soon

BarbarianMum · 17/11/2014 22:28

For all those suggestion a professional sleep clinic please bear in mind that the waiting times for appointments usually runs into months. The OP doesn't sound like she can last another few months tbh.

OP the best advice I can give you is to choose an approach and stick to it - cc, gradual withdrawal, whatever. Personally I wanted to do co-sleeping with ds2 but he would only sleep clamped to my jead so I couldn't move at all so it had to stop.

Purplepixiedust · 17/11/2014 22:37

Poor you and him.

Rather than leaving him, can you do the popping in after 5, then 10 mins etc as someone suggested? I have heard others say this strategy worked. I have used it to get my son to stay in bed, but he wasn't screaming..

Does he have a light on.. Might help? That and knowing you will be back shortly..

I had a book called 'the no cry sleep solution for toddlers' which contaons a number of strategies. I was to lazy to implement them and mostly bf my son to sleep until he was turned 3 but it made me realise much of what was happenning (struggling to settle) was normal and knowing I wad not alone was a big help.

Purplepixiedust · 17/11/2014 22:39

Will he settle if you lie with him? Then sneak off when he is asleep. I did this every night for a long time. I would often fall asleep first!

blackeyedsusie · 17/11/2014 22:51

bloody hell. I normally would not leave a child crying, but given his schedule... no wonder you are at breaking point. if the alternative is worse hta letting him cry, (eg you losing your temper, you having a breakdown, you crashing the car and injuring a bunch of people) then do what you have to do to get through this.

KwaziisEyepatch · 17/11/2014 22:55

If he's over 2 he will understand much of what you say to him. Explain in advance before bed tomorrow that bedtime is for sleeping and that mummy will not be coming in for cuddles. Then stick to it. He will benefit from the sleep as much as you - you're doing him a favour.

Sometimes they get kind of trapped in certain behaviours- he probably doesn't even want to be awake, but it's such a habit now and his body wakes him up at a set time every night so that he can't help it.

Be firm, be the grown-up and do it for him. Where are you? If you're near me I'll come and help!

RabbitSaysWoof · 17/11/2014 23:04

I think I get what that person was saying, if you took your mattress in the ds's room where would the dp sleep, alot of people (me being one) wouldnt have a spare mattress.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 17/11/2014 23:09

No crying really will not cause a convulsion. Why won't people get their facts straight before posting such scaremongering shite?

velocitykate · 17/11/2014 23:15

Sorry, haven't read much of this so apologise if I'm barking up the wrong tree, but my DD2 was exactly the same as this- screamed for ages and we would have a repeat if she awoke in the night, nothing we did made any difference. Finally discovered she doesn't like the dark and as soon as we started leaving the light on outside her door with the door ajar and a nightlight, she got a lot better. She's just turned three and by no means perfect (she tends to shout Mummy/Daddy for 20 minutes or so before she'll go to sleep, but no distressed crying) but it's so much better. We leave the bathroom light on all night and if she wakes in the night a quick "shhh, it's ok, we're here and the lights on" is usually enough for her to go back off again. Good luck, it was he'll fir us so I hope you fund a solution soon

RabbitSaysWoof · 17/11/2014 23:18

I had a little chuckle at that too sharon

CalpolOnToast · 17/11/2014 23:19

At 18 months we were broken and decided to put DS down after a cuddle and go back to him every five minutes. Pitch black room. After first five minutes of wailing massive cuddle and affectionate whispering then next time just stroking and shushing. He never made it beyond 8 minutes of crying and now he's mostly not crying at all.

We had tried cosleeping, pickup-putdown, gradual retreat, increasing intervals and finally letting him run about until he couldn't stand up any longer; all of which induced rage and head banging. We went to my mums for a week because we were all in a state and he broke all three of us.

hiccupgirl · 17/11/2014 23:19

Personally I wouldn't leave him to cry and would try a mattress on the floor and gradual retreat. Most 2 yr olds do not give up easily and by the sound of it he will keep going all night which I know I couldn't cope with even seriously sleep deprived. I would also take him into bed with you in the morning if it's helps or again sleep on the floor next to his bed. CC works brilliantly for lots of families but if you're not up to following it through (I wasn't either) then it's better to not try it as it will just confuse your LO and make the screaming more prolonged in the hope you will come back eventually.

We had 3 yrs 4 months of just awful sleep before my DS started STTN so I do know what it's like to be sleep deprived and be at the end of your tether with your child. I don't have magic wand cos my DS finally got there himself although he still has worse patches sometimes.

maddening · 17/11/2014 23:22

At what point does he start to cry? What is your current routine ? What has been your most successful routine? Is he verbal?

maddening · 17/11/2014 23:23

What are his naps like?lenght and times and the routine?

wobblyweebles · 18/11/2014 01:15

If I pick him up and hold him he calms down. However the second I put him down he screams again. With co sleeping he's calm until I turn over in my sleep so my back is to him then he starts again. I end up with cramp and crick in the neck.

When you pick him up you reward the screaming.

What worked for us (and I had a 2yo who would scream for 2 hours at a time unless we held her) was to be very very boring at night. We'd go in and say 'Night night sleep tight weebles' then leave. After five minutes we'd go in and say the same thing. And so on. We never picked her up or gave her a drink or in any way rewarded the screaming. We were just very very boring.

We extended the periods we'd leave her for, so it went up to 15 minutes at a time. We had ear plugs so at least one of us got a good night's sleep each night while the other soothed her periodically.

After 2 weeks she slept through, and she has been a fantastic sleeper since then.

Plan your strategy beforehand and agree it, then in the middle of the night you'll know exactly what you're going to do and what you're not going to do.

Also make sure he's not having long naps in the day, and obviously that he's not unwell.

Booboostoo · 18/11/2014 02:50

What happens if you all go to sleep together and he lies between you and DP?

Bulbasaur · 18/11/2014 03:17

2 years? Wow, you have stamina. We're only 7 months in and trying to figure out how to get DD to sleep through the night. She's wide awake right now playing on the floor because she took an evening nap.

He'll be fine. Make sure he's fed, has a clean diaper, do your bedtime routine, and let him figure it out himself.

I remember the rule in our house was always we didn't have to sleep, but between 8:00pm-7:00am we had better be quiet and in our rooms (or watching cartoons in the morning). It's perfectly reasonable to establish that between certain hours is quiet time.

Can you give him a glow in the dark toy to play with while he falls asleep? Might keep him quiet for a little bit.