To leave ds to scream in his cot tonight...

[listsandbudgets]

because I can't manage to deal with him tonight.

He's 2+4. EVERY NIGHT of his life he's screamed endlessly at bedtime. We tried going to him, lying down with him in the dark, cosleeping singing to him, letting him come downstairs, cuddling him, ignoring him, sitting holding his hand, seen GP and had various cchecks carried out to make sure he's not in some kind of pain...

but still he screams endlessly "MAMA,MAMA, MAMA, MAMA, MAMA...

Over and over again.

We finally get him off to sleep about an hour - two hours after putting him to bed (I say we its normally me as dp works away Monday to Thursday and someetimes longer).

He then wakes at 3am and it all happens again until about 4.30-5am.

Its affecting my mental health. I keep losing my temper, keep bursting into tears for no reason, I can't function properly at work and I'm facing a disciplinary for mistakes, I feel like everyone hates me and I wouldn't blame them

I've not had a full nights sleep since 3 months before he was born.

I can 't do it any more. I just can't do it....

AIBU to sleep in teh spare room with a pillow over my head and let him scream?

You'll all flame me I know you'll flame me and I deserve it.

He's still screaming I put him to bed at 8pm and I've already been in and given him 2 X10 minute cuddles

Yes ever increasing intervals. Just go in pat him and say firmly it's time to sleep and then leave.

It's really tough. But just keep reassuring him. He will go to sleep eventually.

As for early mornings I lived in a flat and had three children so dd3 came into bed with me. She's five now and sleeps through in her own bed no problem.

It's a really tough thing to go through but he needs his sleep (as do you) so you need to help him learn to settle.

Read Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems. No need to follow the method - I didn't - but it WILL help you to understand what's been going on.

I would hazard that you have actually unwittingly taught him to cry for harder and longer to get you to come each time. You either do controlled crying or you don't, there really is no halfway house.

Oh god you poor thing, do it, leave him to it. He is 2 years old not a newborn baby. I went through this with my son who is now 15 months old. He was a nightmare to get to sleep, did cc when he was 8 months. 3 nights it took and now he sleeps straight away.

If you have tried everything and all he wants is attention, then leave him to it or go in every 10-15 mins saying nothing just laying him back down.

Good luck, you don't deserve a flaming for being at the end of your tether.

Just a thought.... have you tried a light show mobile? I used this with my daughter in the end. She would eventually just lie there looking at it (and not screaming) There is also loads of music on Youtube aimed at helping little ones go to sleep.

I wasnt at all trying to guilt trip OP. something must stop him crying otherwise OP wouldnt be asking if she WBU to leave him to cry. I'd be doing that something, whatever it is.

If I pick him up and hold him he calms down. However the second I put him down he screams again. With co sleeping he's calm until I turn over in my sleep so my back is to him then he starts again. I end up with cramp and crick in the neck.

Hes been going a full hour now, I think I'm going to give in and get him. I hate knowing he's so unhappy.

Will try sleep training again from tomorrow now hwile he's upset is not hte time to begin.

To be honest if you ve tried everything else you may as well give this a go once or twice '

Does he scream even when you are there with him, holding him and co-sleeping? Can he explain why he is still screaming for you if you are there? Sounds very weird and horribly exhausting for you.

I cant believe you made it this long. We did have to resort to cc with dd1. If you have had medical tests and don't think he is in pain i would bite the bullet. You may be surprised what happens if you don't go in as it sounds like a self perpetuating thing. Dd1 was asleep within 20 minutes the first day and much quicker after that. She does still wail at bedtime even now (2.8yrs) but now it is more of a tantrummy thing and i go in once and she goes to sleep.

since he is old enough to understand i would say explain to him that he needs to go to sleep like a good boy and you aren't coming back as it might speed up his realisation/acceptance that he needs to go to sleep on his own.

i thoroughly recommend a gro clock too.

He's probably not old enough to vocalise what's wrong is he? Could you ask him a few yes/no questions to narrow it down?

could you try something new? i have an idea..

lots of prep worked would be required during the day though. im thinking a new bed? mine was into a bed around 2 and we made it special, with fairy lights and some glow in the dark stars on cieling and a disco ball that caught the light of the fair lights. (ive done same for dd2 and she's only 5 months- oops!!).

we bought a story about growing up, and throughout a few days made it a topic of recurrent convo. but subtle. and managed to work convo that bed became a joint decision (we weren't imposing it on her). we went shopping and chose bed, lights, new bedding, and a few teddies and some new bedtime story books.

im a very 'fluffy' mum according to my sister, but both my beauties sleep well. we choose 3 books for bed- she chooses the order and i always make sure she knows that no. 3 will follow by a cuddle and then mummy downstairs. sometimes one of the books is a 'mummy special' and we make it up whilst looking up at sensory lights.

don't use it as blackmail though, and try to be calm at bedtime (wow i know it's hard) so they're in a relaxed place when leaving you. do you have a set routine? bath is close to bedtime and then books and snuggle with daddy whilst i sort out dd2.

one thing (not sure how relevant this has been or how influential) but my friends often comment on how i don't use bed as a weapon (eg. stop playing up or I'll put you to bed).

controlled crying is okay, but as a PP has said, you've got to stick to it. my friends have told me it takes less than a week for them to realise you mean business and eventually nodding off. do you use a dummy? i never have, however if DDs did wake in night i pop in and put singing nightlight back on. or you could try one of those CDs that reads a story?

thinking of you!!!! xx

If he cries for an hour, and you go and get him, you are teaching him that for you to come he has to cry for an hour.

If you're going to go to him - which is fine, I have always done it with 2yo DD - then do it immediately.

Tbh I think being left alone is probably such a problem in his mind, I would say do gradual retreat now. Ie buy a cheap single mattress and start sleeping on his floor in a bid to make him feel safe in his room again.

My dd goes through periods like that - crying to be held. Not screaming though because I'm right there as we bedsharers. Yes it's uncomfortable to sleep like that but I figure it's a need that needs to be met. She's 3 by the way and these periods generally last about a week every few months - apart from them she's happy to go to sleep on her own in my bed while I go back downstairs, and she stays on her side of the bed asleep all night.

Can I be honest - you sound like you haven't really tried controlled crying. You keep saying you cannot bear to hear him cry. Until you get tougher all if this won't improve.

Controlled crying does work but doing it half heartily is worse then not doing it all. Leave him to it (but I am not sure you will)

Please be strong tomorrow.

I would go for the earplugs too and note what time he stops, same tomorrow see if it's shorter.
Haven't had this over a long period before but before I'd ever read that it's supposedly evil I did this when I moved house, ds has always been a good sleeper when we moved (he was nearly 2) he was a little upset when I put him to bed in his new room, so I stayed with him. Then night after poxy night he was suddenly waking crying and not settling within 2 weeks I'd fucked up a lifetimes great sleeping by going to him on command and staying with him when first putting to bed it was like he'd forgotten just going to sleep was an option. I left him he cried for ages first night (but stayed asleep through the night) less next night and not at all after second night I'd never been on mumsnet and I'm glad since reading what mners think about it because he sleeps fine again, hes happier in the day than he was in those hellish 2 weeks and he's a bright happy affectionate child I'm sure someone will be along soon to say it's damaging but I'm yet to see the damage just a well rested child.

Get some ear plugs and get some sleep. One night wont hurt him, then get to the dr for some proper advice. You poor thing.

You need to be tougher - sorry, all he has learnt tonight is that if he screams for an hour plus you will go and get him

What happens if you go out?

With dd it sometimes helped to put her to bed and then do something ring a friend, do the hoovering, run a bath. If you are just sat there listening to him it will drive you mad.

OP does he nap during the day? You have probably tried everything suggested but if not i would give batmanandrobins method a try. And if possible drop any day time nap to make sure he is sleepy. Get him outside every day for fresh air and running around, then a relaxing bath (not lots of hyper screaming like me ex used to do ) with a drink of warm milk after, low lighting in his room and a story with lots of cuddles and tell him what happens next. If necessary do the gradual retreat thing suggested.

I also agree with if you are going to go in, do it immediately and resettle him rather than leaving it an hour. He has probably now associated bedtime with stress and so it will take lots of cuddles and reassurance to break that. It wont be achieved by leavjng him to scream. You need to make his room, bed and bedtime a really positive comforting thing.

Feel for you OP, it must be awful. DS cosleeps with us (he's only 11m), I have never been able to get him to sleep elsewhere, you'd think his cot mattress was made of lava the way he reacts to it! You have to do whatever you need to so you can feel better and in a stronger frame of mind to deal with this long term and if leaving him to scream and resting yourself is the only way to do this, so be it. Don't be to hard on yourself, sounds like you've tried so much.

Batman Your bedtime routine/transition sounds lovely and I look forward to doing something similar when my son eventually stops co-sleeping.

Sympathies genuinely. What worked for me is popping in with a quick night night bedtime and straight back out and.....a peppa pig duvet. He loves it and is quite content looking at all the pictures of her as I suppose its familiar and comforting. Buying this made bed time a 20 min job rather than 90 min

With controlled crying it'sall or norhing, in my experience.

Going in for 10 mins after half an hour just teaches him you'll eventually come if he cries hard/long enough.

I would explain to him that there is no mama at night. You can't go on like this.

Can you even sleep at a friend's for a week, and let your DP do the first week of bedtimes.

This must be hell for you, your nerves must be raw.

Teaching him to settle and go to sleep alone is essential for you AND him.

Also, would he be happy to 'read' a book by himself in bed after you have left the room? It may be enough of a distraction for him to forget he is alone.

hugs and massive sympathy xx

I agree with others that if you decide to do it you need to commit and actually see it through, or you are teaching him that he needs to scream for x time and then you come. Most sleep clinics and health visitors seem to use controlled crying. He isn't a baby, and it sounds like this problem has just ingrained itself over years of you bending over backwards to try and help, but probably actually harming both of you with sleep deprivation! If he does wake up at 3am have you ever tried leaving him then to see if he settles? If you sprint straight in you may be waking him when he was just having a little grumble.

good luck

It's awful and my sympathies are so with you. If there's a flaming to be had, I'll take one too - leave him. Properly leave him, even if he goes all night. Then do it again the next night. It's going to take a while, but you know by now that a) he's not in pain and b) he does know you love him. He is old enough to understand that you're in charge, and bedtime is bedtime.

Echoing other posters - if you get him after an hour, he will never stop doing it.

And to the poster who said imagine how horrible it is for him - no, it doesn't make you feel good, screaming. Which is why most people don't do a lot of it. But if they knew it would get them what they wanted, they might!

What helps me is to remember that this 'want' - to be cuddled by you, isn't a want the way food, or shelter, or general attention is. It's a habit - it's what he's used to and he likes it. As with anything we like, we get upset if we can't have it - but it's important to learn that we can't always have what we want.