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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave ds to scream in his cot tonight...

386 replies

listsandbudgets · 17/11/2014 20:43

because I can't manage to deal with him tonight.

He's 2+4. EVERY NIGHT of his life he's screamed endlessly at bedtime. We tried going to him, lying down with him in the dark, cosleeping singing to him, letting him come downstairs, cuddling him, ignoring him, sitting holding his hand, seen GP and had various cchecks carried out to make sure he's not in some kind of pain...

but still he screams endlessly "MAMA,MAMA, MAMA, MAMA, MAMA...

Over and over again.

We finally get him off to sleep about an hour - two hours after putting him to bed (I say we its normally me as dp works away Monday to Thursday and someetimes longer).

He then wakes at 3am and it all happens again until about 4.30-5am.

Its affecting my mental health. I keep losing my temper, keep bursting into tears for no reason, I can't function properly at work and I'm facing a disciplinary for mistakes, I feel like everyone hates me and I wouldn't blame them

I've not had a full nights sleep since 3 months before he was born.

I can 't do it any more. I just can't do it....

AIBU to sleep in teh spare room with a pillow over my head and let him scream?

You'll all flame me I know you'll flame me and I deserve it.

He's still screaming I put him to bed at 8pm and I've already been in and given him 2 X10 minute cuddles

OP posts:
lemisscared · 19/11/2014 12:22

I am pretty sure that toddlers don't make a concious decision of "if i cry i get what i want" they are trained to do this by their parents. They cry we go to them. It becomes a vicious circle.

I daresay the op's ds is distressed when he is crying. It is about teaching him that actually it is ok to go to sleep by yourself.

How to do that? I don't have the answer. My dp still has to sit with dd2. She is 9 Blush my point is - you need to sort it out now.

lemisscared · 19/11/2014 12:23

I thinkyou are doing brilliantly op.

Catsarebastards · 19/11/2014 12:24

You dont have to let a 2.4 year old dictate your evening, but fixing the problem doesnt have to mean shutting him in a room to scream. There are other ways to fix it that wont create that level of stress within him or the OP.

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/11/2014 12:28

Well if your willing to go and spend weeks moving inch by inch closer to a door thinking a toddler is to stupid to realise what's going on then go knock yourself out.

But don't criticise the op who actually matters too and who's ds won't spontaneously combust if mummy leaves his sight and decides to not spend hours rocking or patting a kid.

She's trying her best um sure she will try alternatives if this doesn't work but it's worth a shot.

Catsarebastards · 19/11/2014 12:30

But don't criticise the op

Did I? Where?

Catsarebastards · 19/11/2014 12:33

She's trying her best um sure she will try alternatives if this doesn't work but it's worth a shot.

I would say it's worth a shot after the alternatives had been tried and shown not to work. I wouldnt choose to put him through stress if less stressful alternatives were available and hadnt already been tried.

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/11/2014 12:38

She's already tried Co sleeping which by MN standards is the go to, magic solution .

It didn't work.

hence this.

He's not abandoned he's having a tantrum because he's not got what he wants.

Chandon · 19/11/2014 12:39

it is only short term stress, to avoid long term stress.

I let my DC1 cry it out. After 2 weeks he slept through, and went to bed fine.

2 weeks of stress for a lifetime of stress-free bed times!

Easy choice really.

Catsarebastards · 19/11/2014 12:39

Where did i mention co-sleeping? Confused

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/11/2014 12:45

I didn't say you suggested it.

you mentioned other less stressful methods. which, collectively gathering from this thread, includes co keeping as it's been mentioned several times by others.

It didn't work.

I think a few days of crying vs weeks or months of gradual retreat or Co sleeping or pushing then. round the block in buggies or taking for a drive or whatever else, is the easiest less stressful way tbh.

Catsarebastards · 19/11/2014 12:53

you mentioned other less stressful methods. which, collectively gathering from this thread, includes co keeping as it's been mentioned several times by others.

Includes co-sleeping, but not only co sleeping.

It didn't work.

Co sleeping didnt work. Other methods havent been tried.

I think a few days of crying vs weeks or months of gradual retreat or Co sleeping or pushing then. round the block in buggies or taking for a drive or whatever else, is the easiest less stressful way tbh.

If that works for you then go for it. That doesnt mean alternatives shouldnt be suggested for OP.

grumbleina · 19/11/2014 13:02

I think the OP did say she'd tried quite a few methods, and given that her son is over 2, I'd imagine she's had time to!

She has also stated clearly what she's doing now, which does not involve leaving her DS to cry for very long at all. It sounds like a worthwhile strategy to me, and unlikely to cause any harm at all, whether or not it works - though I really hope it does work!

loaderloader · 19/11/2014 13:09

Lots of sympathy OP. Sleep deprivation is horrible. There was a lovely post from Batmamandrobin early in the thread which seems to have been missed. Worth a try.

Catsarebastards · 19/11/2014 13:10

She has also stated clearly what she's doing now, which does not involve leaving her DS to cry for very long at all.
I think the OP did say she'd tried quite a few methods, and given that her son is over 2, I'd imagine she's had time to!

She did, there are also some she hasnt tried that could be worth looking into. Several people have given her the name of a sleep specialist with which they ha great success. People have recommended books, getting him new bedding, giving his room a different association than it has currently. All worth trying if it could help avoid hours of screeching.

Yep i saw that. My responses are in reference to all the posts that say "leave him to it". i never once said that was what the OP was doing.

Catsarebastards · 19/11/2014 13:12

My post has rearranged itself so that it makes no sense. Anyway. It is responding to grumbelina's comments.

Kewcumber · 19/11/2014 13:29

I have a child who was in an orphanage for the first year of his life. I understand better than anyone on this thread the effects of a child learning that no-one comes when they cry. SO feel unusually qualified to add my two-penn'th...

A few nights, yes even a few weeks, of crying in his bed (with a parent who is his established security close at hand) is unlikely to cause any significant attachment problems especially by the age of 2. The neural pathways in his brain formed by the bonding cycle should be well formed enough by now to take a bit of crying.

Catsarebastards · 19/11/2014 13:34

My objections arent due to any risk or likelihood of attachment problems or long term damage or spontaneous combustion.

Kewcumber · 19/11/2014 13:42

They are....?

frankbough · 19/11/2014 13:53

We had a non sleeper, every night in and out for 2+ yrs, we were both at our wits end.
So we dug in a couple of weeks before our second was due and let her cry it out, the first night she cried on and off for a good 5-6 hrs, 2nd night 2-3 hrs, then the third 1hr and then by day four she slept right thru..

Her general sleeping habits 2 yrs later are pretty good..

Our other baby slept from birth and was a dream by comparison, no one can possibly know how hard it is to get up night after night and attempt to soothe a baby/toddler who is throwing themselves about, head banging etc, etc..

And I agree with bulbasaur's comments about the hierarchy within the family unit..

123upthere · 19/11/2014 13:55

I say 'dolly/teddy is sleeping so it's sleepy time for _' insert his name.

If there are siblings I say '__issleeping, etc so it's sleepy time for you too'

All else fails I put on a stern teacher voice, say go to sleep tuck them in kids goodnight and leave

And repeat

And repeat

You poor thing

123upthere · 19/11/2014 13:58

Ooh what also worked was talking about sleep during the day so he understands day and night

Can you draw a clock showing sunshine breakfast food lunchtime food then dinner time then draw a bath then his bed with stars moon etc?

(Long shot)

Catsarebastards · 19/11/2014 14:10

Today 13:42 Kewcumber

They are....?

The immediate effect on the child. Just because a child wont remember in six years doesnt mean it is harmless. There are many things children wont remember or show any notable effects of in later life that we dont do because it would cause them present harm or stress to do so.

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/11/2014 14:11

And not sleeping wouldn't ?

Catsarebastards · 19/11/2014 14:17

Today 14:11 Gileswithachainsaw
And not sleeping wouldn't ?

A has been clearly stated by myself and others throughout the thread, not sleeping isnt the only alternative. It isnt a case of "leave him to cry for hours or never sleep" there is a substantial middle ground here.

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/11/2014 14:19

And op has tried so of these other suggestions