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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave ds to scream in his cot tonight...

386 replies

listsandbudgets · 17/11/2014 20:43

because I can't manage to deal with him tonight.

He's 2+4. EVERY NIGHT of his life he's screamed endlessly at bedtime. We tried going to him, lying down with him in the dark, cosleeping singing to him, letting him come downstairs, cuddling him, ignoring him, sitting holding his hand, seen GP and had various cchecks carried out to make sure he's not in some kind of pain...

but still he screams endlessly "MAMA,MAMA, MAMA, MAMA, MAMA...

Over and over again.

We finally get him off to sleep about an hour - two hours after putting him to bed (I say we its normally me as dp works away Monday to Thursday and someetimes longer).

He then wakes at 3am and it all happens again until about 4.30-5am.

Its affecting my mental health. I keep losing my temper, keep bursting into tears for no reason, I can't function properly at work and I'm facing a disciplinary for mistakes, I feel like everyone hates me and I wouldn't blame them

I've not had a full nights sleep since 3 months before he was born.

I can 't do it any more. I just can't do it....

AIBU to sleep in teh spare room with a pillow over my head and let him scream?

You'll all flame me I know you'll flame me and I deserve it.

He's still screaming I put him to bed at 8pm and I've already been in and given him 2 X10 minute cuddles

OP posts:
wobblyweebles · 19/11/2014 01:56

Good luck OP. And yes, definitely get nursery to cut his naps to an hour. We did that at 2 years and it really helped. Having a strategy (suggested to us by a HV) also helped. You're doing all the right things.

wobblyweebles · 19/11/2014 01:57

Also remember that once your son learns how to sleep better he will be more rested and healther in the day.

islandmama · 19/11/2014 02:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bulbasaur · 19/11/2014 02:42

bulbasaur what a ridiculous comment. Lots of relationships are stronger for the rest and general positivity cosleeping can bring.

Yes, because obviously when I said that I meant ignore your children, make them second class citizens, and only pay attention to your spouse. You clearly didn't understand my post. It's the same principal of taking care of yourself first so you can take care of your baby. You take care of your marriage first so you can take care of your children and provide them a home life they deserve to have.

Personally my DP and DS are equal in my eyes but at this stage in his life my DS needs more of my time and attention and my DP is an understanding father and realises that DS's needs sometimes come first.

No. No they are not equal in your eyes, you love them equally, but they are not equals. You don't make rules for DP to follow and I'm willing to bet your don't constantly supervise and take care of DP. Your DS does not have equal say in the budget, the schedule, the car, who's staying home when. That alone shows that there is a hierarchy in your house.

Making your child the center of your universe is a sure fire way to make them into a dependent and self centered adult. Your marriage always comes first, your children benefit from a happy healthy home life. If you put your kids first, you might find that when they move out, there's not much left between you and your spouse.

I know most of you are intelligent enough to understand this, but there are some dull crayons on this board so I will spell it out: It does not mean you ignore your child's needs in favor of your spouse. You are capable of meeting everyone's needs and maintaining a healthy balance. It means you meet their needs and set boundaries. They can sleep in their own bed and still feel loved. They can wait their turn to talk while you are talking to your OH and still feel loved.

AdoraBell · 19/11/2014 03:04

Hope you are both getting a decent amount of sleep tonight lists

Humansatnav · 19/11/2014 05:21

Checking in, op, and hoping that you've been sleeping.

sleeponeday · 19/11/2014 05:35

Have you asked to be referred to your local sleep clinic, OP? Honestly, take your OP to the GP, say you are at the end of your tether, and request a very urgent referral. Sleep deprivation is horrendous. Anyone flaming you for being past your coping capacity has never walked in your shoes.

Original poster
listsandbudgets · 19/11/2014 07:01

Good morning. He must have woken in the night because I woke with him cuddled up next to me in bed. No recollections of getting him though.

Hes eating porridge with dd (9) now. I don't remember her sleeping so badly.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 19/11/2014 07:03

Woke up thinking of you OP . I am a full time working mum with ds aged 3. He has been an awful sleeper so I understand. Ds got worse at going to bed aged around 22 months and would howl and shout. Very stressful for me. A couple of things...I would ask nursery to cut out the daytime naps completely so that he is tired by 7 pm. Secondly in my case I think the fact that I got home at 7 and started bedtime straight away did not help. Ds was missing me and so was clingy at bedtime.
You sound exhausted. Could you work 4 days a week temporarily or finish earlier?I did a slow cuddly bedtime routine with 3 stories and then I did the checking in 2 minutes. Another 2 mins 5 mins etc . I tried to be consistent and it did work after a couple of days. Tough going though. We also did a good boy sticker chart with rewards for staying in his own bed and good bedtime. I told him he could have a toy aeroplane for 10 stickers and drew the plane on the chart. That helped.

olympicsrock · 19/11/2014 07:08

We also had a blow up bed for us to sleep near him in his own room when he woke in the night instead of allowing him to get out of bed and come to our room. It allowed us to back off from cos Lee ing and being kicked all night long.

Humansatnav · 19/11/2014 07:15

Really glad you got some sleep op. I will be on duty again tonight to cheer you on from the sidelines.

MillieMoodle · 19/11/2014 07:29

I haven't read through every post but just wanted to share my experience. DS didn't sleep through until 2 years 1 month. He'd go to bed ok but wake up screaming and it would go on and on, he wouldn't settle. I was exhausted from 2 years of no sleep. Then I got norovirus and was so poorly I couldn't get out of bed in the night to see to him. DH has selective hearing at night time (!) so poor DS was left to it for a night. I felt awful leaving him to scream but it did the trick, he settled himself and he's slept through pretty much since then.
So YANBU, keep going. It's difficult hearing them cry but you are doing it for all the right reasons. He's safe and warm and won't come to any harm. Good luck.

Balaboosta · 19/11/2014 07:30

All this fussing around him at bedtime has built in him anxiety. If you don't suspect any other difficulties, such as illness or ASD, he needs to learn that it's safe for him to fall asleep by himself. Not only do it but you have to cut the guilt. You are tying yourself in knots over it and it's making him nervous and needing to be in control. I really hope this gets sorted soon.

Allstoppedup · 19/11/2014 09:17

bulbasaur Thank you for your condescending response.

You failed to acknowledge the crux of my post being that intimacy does not need to be restricted to the bedroom and therefore our sleeping arrangements are not the be all and end all of our relationship.

Everyone's home life is different so in our case, we have a happy balance. Again though, my child does physically need more of my time and attention than my partner, just because I allow this does not mean my DP is some sort of emotionally neglected reject or my child is some sort of ultra dependant narcissist. Just because it isn't your choice and wouldn't work in your relationship doesn't mean you can write off the relationships of millions of other people who DO co-sleep as doomed due to a lack of intimacy. This is what you suggested in your first post, which may have just come across poorly.

Generalisations such as this unfortunately leave you in the 'dull crayon' with me I'm afraid!

However, as a PP poster has said arguments about co-sleeping are not helpful to the OP who posted looking for support.

OP I Hope you've had some better nights and have a clearer idea of how you are going ahead.

LumpenproletariatAndProud · 19/11/2014 09:21

I didnt realise he was having 2 hour naps, wowzers thats loads.

At that age both my kids would have happily have had 3-4 hour naps but of course wouldn't have ever gone to bed so for DS2 at that age he was having 30 mins, and ds2 would have 10 mins (literally a minute longer and it would add on 15 mins to bed time. A 10 min nap is a right PITA, lasted a year and a half!)

Id let him have 45 mins and thats it.

girliefriend · 19/11/2014 09:24

Well down op, you are doing well and hope you feel better for some kip today.

I agree to limiting the naps, an hour max and wake up at 2pm regardless of how long he has slept for iyswim.

Keep going you are doing great Smile

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 19/11/2014 09:37

Just seen this thread and so glad you felt more positive last night.

FWIW my dd is exactly the same age and goes to bed at 8pm - naps and nursery and DH's home time mean this works for us. It also means that she sleeps til 7 or something, rather than 5am which it would be if we put her down earlier. So, in the nicest possible way, bollocks to anyone who tells you 8pm is too late Smile She does take forever to settle if she's had a really long nap, though.

Keep at it, sounds like you did great work last night.

differentnameforthis · 19/11/2014 11:49

But if they knew it would get them what they wanted, they might!

Seriously? The poor kid has been crying for an hour..yes, I get that it is hard for the op but I am sorry, leaving a child to cry for an hour is horrible.

They don't cry to piss us off, they cry because they have a need & while he has been crying for an hour, his are not being met.

Unless you're a single mother already, this is a good way to head towards divorce and marital strife. Your spouse comes first Bollocks! My dd co-spelt until very recently & she is 6. My marriage is perfect, thanks!

It is manipulation! children of 2yrs old can not manipulate!!!!!!

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/11/2014 11:54

They don't cry to piss us off, they cry because they have a need & while he has been crying for an hour, his are not being met

toddlers also cry for what they want. which they can't always have.

i don't understand why people are so afraid of upsetting their kids or having them cry.

They can tantrum for hours. Doesn't change that they can't have what they want. and people underestimate what kids are capable of.

what this kid wants is impossible and unsustainable and he has to learn.

differentnameforthis · 19/11/2014 12:10

Yes. its invaluable to learn that no will come when you cry.....

Sad
Gileswithachainsaw · 19/11/2014 12:16

During the day they do. And if he was wet hungry etc that would be dealt with. what is I valuable however is being able to sleep. For mental and physical development.

I think. It's bloody cruel to have your children so reliant on you to sleep that should you can't go out or have teh guilt should you ever need an overnight stay at hospital or for work.

He's loved and safe. He knows this. He's trying it on and he needs to stop as the op can't take it any more.

lemisscared · 19/11/2014 12:16

So what exactly do you expect the op to do???? Because she needs sleep. And actually so does her ds.

Catsarebastards · 19/11/2014 12:16

Giles i have no issue with children crying. They do- its how they let us know they arent happy. Crying because they hurt themselves or want ice cream is very different than spending hours screaming. Screaming as the OP described is incredibly stressful and frightening for a child. Just like a tantrum can be. I wouldnt leave a child alone to tantrum because i think that must be an incredibly scary thing for them to have this overload of emotion they cant explain so equally i wouldnt leave a child alone to scream through the night.

This is nothing at all like being afraid of upsetting my child this is recognising the difference between whingeing and and a stressful, frightening emotional state. When my child is experiencing the latter he needs to be brought out of it with comfort and reassurance. Teaching children to sleep should be a positive experience for them. I understand this is a really sensitive issue as the needs of all the family have to be considered but i dont believe completely ignoring one of the family is necessary or the best way.

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/11/2014 12:20

He's screaming because it's different and she's not giving him what he wants.

what he wants is attention and mummy right there.

He can't have it. simple. I would not be letting a 2.4 yr old dictate my evening.

shushpenfold · 19/11/2014 12:22

Oh FFS....children of 2 yrs cannot manipulate.....big fat hairy ones they can't!

You may not have had one who didn't do it or didn't try (or perhaps you nipped things in the bud earlier...who knows) but some do it big style.

This is a toddler who is not getting his own way, who needs to sleep and who has a dm who cares deeply about his wellbeing and therefore has ended up in this pickle. She's doing her best for herself and her DS......WHO NEEDS TO SLEEP! He's learning that she will come every few minutes but that he won't get the attention/telly which he wants. Eventually he'll realise that it's just not worth staying awake for. Stop giving the OP a flipping guilt trip....she's not leaving him for hours and is not giving him any such idea of abandonment.