To say where MIL's are concerned there two sides to a story?

[MiddletonPink]

There seems to be an abundance of mil threads again on here.

I don't believe that every single mnetter is virtuous and without some blame in the breakdown of her relationship with her mil.

Some posters would do well to think about that and also remember that one day you are likely to be that hateful woman

I know what both ex mil would say too. The one I dislike would say that I ruled the roost which is totally untrue. I just didn't back down when it was something that affected me or my dc. I mean this is the woman that told her daughters proposal story talking over the top of her when asked at a party at my house. Then went on to tell her (a 26 year old married woman with a son of her own) that she was wrong her bra size was not xx it was actually xx.

That whole family have been nasty about me and my dc and ex mil genuinely wonders why I have nothing to do with her.

I read an interview with Katharine Whitehorn once where she said that, in her role as agony aunt of Saga magazine, she gets an awful lot of letters from MiLs complaining about their ghastly DiLs. So it does cut both ways. But horrible people are horrible people, and if you have the misfortune to be brought into close contact with one because you married their son, or they married your son, then it's bound to be a fraught relationship, isn't it?

Yes hackmum! Nail on the head there I think.

Very interesting this. Either I've been very lucky or I'm about to get a shock when my DPs mum becomes my MIL! She's been lovely to me, the whole family have been really welcoming. At his sisters wedding I was asked to be in all the family photos and told repeatedly how pleased they were that DP and I were engaged and how great we were together. His parents have even offered me some of his recently deceased grandmothers jewellery (after their own daughter has chosen what she would like of course). I have no idea if she really likes me but she certainly makes me feel welcome. That said DP had been living miles away from them before I turned up so I certainly haven't stolen him away, she also has her own daughter living closer.

I pretty much always think people have a husband problem, not a mil problem.

MIL can only get away with shitty behaviour if their son's allow them to. People often focus on their mil's behaviour because it is easier to hate her than put the blame where it often lies, the son. Of course many mil's can be nasty and cruel, but they can only get away with it if their son allows it to go on. That doesn't mean their mil's behaviour is ok, and they aren't responsible for their shitty behaviour, they are, but the solution is simple, if not easy. If the son sets boundaries, puts his wife first and makes it clear he won't tolerate that behaviour then it can't go on. Of course I am talking about the real toxic mil's, not just the slightly annoying ones that aren't really doing much harm.

I had a massive problem with my mil, and I liked to hate her for it because it kind of hurt knowing my husband didn't have the guts to actually do something. He did eventually, when I changed my focus from what mil was doing to what my husband wasn't doing. It was just too late.

I was a great dil. I invited mil to stay over when dd was born because I knew she wanted to be a massive part of it. We had her over for one afternoon a week and went to hers for dinner once a week. She had dd on her own every other week while we went out. Every Xmas we made sure we spent at least some of xmas day with her. She could not have been more involved and welcomed into our every day lives. I probably saw my side of the family less because I knew mil was struggling with letting her son go and I wanted a good relationship with her. I shot myself in the foot though, because she ended up thinking she had the right to involve herself in every parenting decision and every aspect of our lives really. It all got rather nasty, especially when she accused me of tricking dh into another pregnancy by taking my IUD out, having sex, and then putting it back in . It's a long and boring story with much much more to it, but my trying to be this perfect dil seriously backfired. But really, the problem laid with my husband who did fuck all about it for so many years.

TL:DR

I am NC with my MIL . The statistic I would be interested in is whether MIL / DIL problems exist more where the MIL only has sons as opposed to having a daughter of her own .

peachmelbourne Sun 16-Nov-14 12:15:49

same here peach! Obvious favouring of the ds in front of dh....

ne thing we all need to take from this thread is that as a DIL we are not responsible for the relationship between our DHs and their family.

I agree like the OP here though they cant face that easier to blame dil isnt it.

I was the preferred dil unlike my sil who had a very stormy relationship with our pils. They were both at fault though sometimes. Mil was a nosey old bugger and sil is not one to broadcast stuff. She is however, overly fond of her opinions and believes she's always right she so isn't so they clashed and mil wasn't one to back one and nor was sil. Fil would of course back up mil so it made for a few arguments. Most of which occurred before I met dh but there were some after when I could see both sides of it. Neither were right sometimes but neither would reach a compromise. They just avoided each other until eventually had to meet and then it was uncomfortable.

U2TheEdge Sun 16-Nov-14 12:38:24

all resonates with me, thankfullly dh did put boundaries in place its been the hard choice but long term the right one.

I shot myself in the foot though, because she ended up thinking she had the right to involve herself in every parenting decision and every aspect of our lives really.

Same here, I ignored my DH advice not to involve but I thought I could be the one who brought peace...and brought them together...not so...it created a false situation bolstered up by me....then they started to treat me like their son and it all backfired as I wont take it.

Not necessarily, MIL died recently. We were clearing out her stuff and found a school report which mentioned the character faults she exhibited during the time I knew her. The main one being the fact that she was a liar. I found reading it quite liberating.

MILs can only get away with shitty behaviour if their sons allow them to
true up to a point-but a kind MIL wouldn't try on shitty behaviour in the first place.
If a mother really is toxic her son will have been ground down by her for years and be engulfed in Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

I do believe there are v difficult MILs-but difficult people aren't confined to one generation-every story and every family is different.

My MIL has had 3 DILs to date- incl' me. I'm the only one still married to one of her sons. The other 2 marriages ended in divorce and the exSILs citing MIL in particular and the inlaws in general as the reason why their marriages broke down didn't work- one fell apart after mere months due to her constant slyness. The constant interfering, the belief that grown men were to be mollycoddled like little children, the practice of treating DILs like shit but treating your own DD like a princess and indulging her every whim despite her being a adult woman with children of her own- the list is endless.

I genuinely say a silent hurrah for Dh's described on these threads that tell their toxic mums and families where to go if their behaviour is unacceptable.

After the treatment I have received from my own MIL and witnessed being meted out to others I can confidently say I won't be at risk of repeating it with my own Dc's partners.

I totally disagree that if there is an issue between a MIL and a DIL its down to the DH to fix.

If I have an issue with someone its down to me to address it ideally I would do it with the support of my DH (if I had one I had actually seen in the last 4 years) but why do adult women need to leave it to someone else.

Yeah I agree drudge, that is why I said while the solution is simple, it isn't easy.

My husband hates confrontation and always felt like he was letting her down, and he always feels guilt. He was petrified of standing up to her because of his past feelings.

I think if you do focus on what your husband isn't doing you have a better chance of solving the issue one way or another. It took years for my husband to actually do something but when we tackled those issues things got better, although it did take him a long time to realise certain behaviours weren't actually normal. My mil was not half as bad as some of the mils I read here are, but it still took a long time for him to overcome certain feelings which made it hard for him to set boundaries.

I do think if people changed the focus to what the husband can do to make things better that would go a massive way of solving the issue.

I also think many people would benefit from not seeing their mil at all while the husband keeps up his relationship with her on his own. In hindsight I should have done that, instead of trying to fix the broken relationship. It would have been easier for him to have just seen her on his own.

*I totally disagree that if there is an issue between a MIL and a DIL its down to the DH to fix.

If I have an issue with someone its down to me to address it ideally I would do it with the support of my DH (if I had one I had actually seen in the last 4 years) but why do adult women need to leave it to someone else.*

Generally, mil will respond better to her son than his wife. I did stick up for myself with my mil in the end. We had a massive argument once and I told her how she had hurt me etc. If my husband had an issue with my mum I would talk to her and tell her to cut the shit out because it was causing problems. I wouldn't expect him to lay down the boundaries and deal with it himself while I sit back and allow my mum to treat him like shit. It isn't a gender thing, it's a whose parent it is thing.

Of course if your mil is in your house and treating you like crap you should also stick up for yourself, but if your husband isn't on your side and laying down boundaries you are going to be in for a rocky ride.

There was a thread not so long ago where a husband was allowing his mother to go into his wives room and change her bedding while the wife was not at home. She could stick up for herself and tell her mil not to do it again, but the chances are that mil will continue to change those sheets when her son gives her the go ahead to do so, and accuses his wife of overreacting, undermining any effort the wife made to stick up for herself.

I miss my lovely MIL. From the day and hour we met, we got on like a house on fire. Of course, she could be interfering at times and we had our differences, but we always worked through them and on occasion we settled our differences by agreeing to disagree on certain topics. Over all though, she was a fantastic MIL and I couldn't have asked for a better one TBH.

Some MILs are absolutely fantastic, some are completely horrid and many are in between at various levels.

Some MILs are absolutely fantastic, some are completely horrid and many are in between at various levels

The same as mothers. I can never get my head around the fact that mothers of girls are lovely and mothers of sons are dreadful! Not sure what happens when you have both.
If more men posted I am sure there would be lots of complains about how dreadful the wife's mother was!

Some MILs are absolutely fantastic, some are completely horrid and many are in between at various levels

just like....people and humanity in general then!

My Mil is horrible, but she's a horrible DM too, she started well with clothes pegs for my first xmas pressie, and she hasn't improved.

I encouraged DH to have a relationship with her after she had disowned him for marrying me, when the DCs were babies, but Ive had to bite my tongue on many occasions, and I cut all contact after she told my DS that he was killing me when he was 14, he cried for days the poor thing.

As I have a very batty family, I really was hoping to have a good relationship with my MIL, but it just wasn't possible, she doesn't have good relationships with any one, even her own family.

FloralNomad

My mil has no daughter or sister.

I have a mum and 4 sisters.

I find the closeness she pushes suffocating.

Yeah I think people post here to vent about their MIL a lot so we don't hear as much of the lovely MIL stories.

Personally, I get on really well with my MIL. We aren't best mates and don't see each other loads which suits us fine. We do always have a laugh together and she's always treated me and her other DIL amazingly. She annoys me sometimes but no doubt I annoy her too. I do know I could count on her no matter what nothing is too much trouble and she knows that with me as well. I would hope this sort of relationship would be normal rather than the toxic MIL thread type relationships

This issue around resolving it yourself or via DH is complicated though.
Usually if someone treats you badly then you can take action, drop the friendship, complain to HR etc. Or at least tell them. But when it's an in law you have the whole dynamic to consider; what will be the impact on dh or the dc? And if it doesn't go well, the problem is in your house where you should be able to relax.

I've read many a MIL thread on here where I've thought the DIL sounded intolerant, controlling, cruel and demanding. I would live to hear the other side sometimes.

I agree, Bambambini. There are also mothers on here who are going to make dreadful MIL in their turn.