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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say where MIL's are concerned there two sides to a story?

311 replies

MiddletonPink · 16/11/2014 09:12

There seems to be an abundance of mil threads again on here.

I don't believe that every single mnetter is virtuous and without some blame in the breakdown of her relationship with her mil.

Some posters would do well to think about that and also remember that one day you are likely to be that hateful woman Wink

OP posts:
Stalequavers · 16/11/2014 16:07

op your post a 9:37 makes you biased though.

You don't like your dil. I wonder how she feels about you. There maybe a future post about you later on down the line.

ExMil no.1 is a wonderful woman who I count very much as a valued friend and family member. She is was/is very supportive and never judged.

Mil no2 is a jealous woman who hates the fact she feels she has to compete for her sons emotional attention.

You might think your biting your tongue but I bet your feelings for her radiates off you in waves. Your ds and gf will be able to feel it.

Original poster
MiddletonPink · 16/11/2014 16:13

Stale that isn't true. I do like her. We get on well and have a laugh because I don't want to put ds in a position where he has to choose. He would pick her I know this. So

I never find fault with her.
I always compliment her.
I listen to her.
I compromise.

Because I love my son.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 16/11/2014 16:14

You very rarely hear ''my son-in-law'' is taking all my daughters attention, or ''my son-in-law doesn't 'let' my daughter spend time with me''.

You often here ''my daughter-in-law is taking up too much of my son's time and attention'' though. As in OP.

Some mothers of sons always seem to blame the DIL for their sons apathetic attitude to his own family? It was always me who had to prod XH into ringing his mother. Always me who remembered her birthday and bought the card for him to write. Me who suggested the visits to her.

I know for a fact though that if she were a MNer she'd be on here now posting 'my DIL is spoiled by my son and takes up all his time and attention'' Hmm

Original poster
MiddletonPink · 16/11/2014 16:27

Fluffy before ds started seeing his GF we were very close. Best friends.
She is controlling of his time and how he spends it.
I don't comment on this it's just my observation.

OP posts:
drudgetrudy · 16/11/2014 16:30

I think a lot of men dislike their MILs-hence all the old music hall jokes-they just don't post on here about it.
When my DD got married one of my best friends said "Oh my God! you're going to be a MILGrin" We sniggered at my opportunity to be a witch. (I'm actually a very reasonable MIL and try to mind my own business).

incognitonc · 16/11/2014 16:33

It's the same as with all groups of people, there are good ones and bad ones. I have really made an effort to accommodate my MIL in ds's life to ensure that she is not second best to my mum, as a mum to a boy I really feel this is important as I have seen friends exclude thier mil in favour of thier own mum. Unfortunately MIL is one of these women who favours her daughter's children and has made no effort with my Ds since Dn was born

Rainbunny · 16/11/2014 17:18

To be fair I have read some posts here that even if only 10% were true show some truly awful behaviour by a mil. Then again I do see some mil posts where I think the dil (the complaining poster) is being a bit unreasonable. The common dil complaints that I think should be reconsidered are 1) when the mil is providing free childcare and surprise surprise has some childcare approaches/opinions of her own and doesn't "follow" the dil's wishes to a T. I think dil's in this case should really take a deep breath and realise that their Dcs will probably be just fine and if they really want a childminder they can instruct and control 100% they should pay for one. Also, it would be helpful to be appreciative of the time the mil is spending to take care of the dcs instead of assuming it's a "treat" for the mil all the time to get to mind the dcs.

The other common issue I read here, that again I think dil's could calm down a bit on is the perceived inequality of time spent with different dgcs - as in complaining that the mil spends more time with her own dd's children than dil's children. That's just one of those things in life that may always be somewhat uneven. Again, mil's are not service providers whose time should be carved out according to other family member's wishes, they are people with individual familial relationships. Of course I am not referring to the more extreme anecdotes I have read here.

My mil is lovely for the record!

ApocalypseThen · 16/11/2014 18:04

I am NC with my MIL . The statistic I would be interested in is whether MIL / DIL problems exist more where the MIL only has sons as opposed to having a daughter of her own.

My grandmother did this when I was a child and I never really got why granny seemed to prefer my cousins. As an adult, I get it. I'm an only girl, I've a gang of brothers. And I know my mother seems like there may be a preference for kids I may have over any kids my sisters in law may have. It's not a preference for the kids, it's that she finds it easier to relax with me. It doesn't matter what she says - she feels totally uncensored.

ApocalypseThen · 16/11/2014 18:06

Sorry, wrong quote there. Don't know how that happened. This is what I was replying to:

The other common issue I read here, that again I think dil's could calm down a bit on is the perceived inequality of time spent with different dgcs

SASASI · 16/11/2014 18:09

I have a very difficult relationship with my MIL but I do my best to pass myself with her when I see her which is more often now DS is here.

From her I have learned what not to do when I hopefully become a MIL &
GM.

I will never forgive her for threatening to have none of her family at our wedding. I will never forgive her for being rude to me & walking out of my house without saying bye one week after DS was born - I had a section, was struggling to breastfeed & was very emotional.

I'm sure not all are monsters - I love my step mother in law, she is ace.

Pilgit · 16/11/2014 18:17

I know from watching my own mother and her MIL that basic things can be misinterpreted in a negative light. My nan is very shy, very self contained and has always had her way of doing things. She is also stubborn and can give you a look that informs you in no uncertain terms that you are a smell under her nose and she is off to get the bleach. Mum always interpreted her foibles as criticism of the way she did things. I don't think it was - just trying to be helpful and being totally ham fisted about it. There's lots of other family politics that affected their relationship (quite a lot of it to do with my dad).

My MIL is amazing. She is just lovely and someone I count as a friend as well as my mother in law.

deste · 16/11/2014 18:26

My DD is getting married next year and my son and his Fiancé have been together for about 12 years so I am almost a MIL. I don't make them visit although I love it when they come, I don't make them feel guilty for not phoning. I don't put pressure of any kind on them and we all get on really well. My sons fiancé was hard work to begin with but I never said a word, I now go to the gym with her a few times a week and she has lost the jealousy she had because of the closeness my DS and DD had. I had a great role model in my MIL of how not to be the MIL from hell. I tolerated her for years until one day I thought "why am I allowing this woman to treat me like this at my age" and thought no more. My life was much better with the pressure gone.

MaryWestmacott · 16/11/2014 18:27

OP - you need to remember, your DIL isnt the one at fault here, it's your DS. He's chosen to be with a woman who likes things just so and hasn't said "no", he hasn't felt her demands on his time are unreasonable. He's gone along with it and is perfectly capable of chosing someone else or saying no to her.

you need to reflect that this is what he wants - so even if he breaks up with this girlfriend, if he likes woman like this, the next will probably be very similar.

Personally, I love my MIL, I'm very different to her, but we get on well and even though I know I don't parent the way she would, she never critisises. I have a great MIL, my DH on the other hand, and my brother's DP are stuck with a bloody nightmare MIL!

skylark2 · 16/11/2014 18:29

You're not going to get many threads in AIBU about how the OP's MIL is lovely, so it's self-selecting.

I get on really well with mine.

Jux · 16/11/2014 18:33

People tend to post about problems, hence most relationships you hear of here are awful. If you're having a great time you're not going to be looking for help, advice and support are you?

Jux · 16/11/2014 18:44

Your post about your son always acquiescing to his gf. I know this is what my MIL would be saying.

In fact, dh hated going to MIL's, hated her cooking, couldn't "stay in the same room as her for more than 5 minutes without wanting to kill her" (yes, he said that). We went because I made him, he ate her food because I made him promise to do so, we had her round because I told him to, he would phone her at my prompting, he sends her birthday cards and presents because I make him.

(And you know what, I didn't much like her either, and she was always rude to me.)

Pinkrose1 · 16/11/2014 18:44

The MIL threads seem to bring out all the people with poor MIL relationships who then proceed to project their own experiences onto the OP without really looking at the OPs actual circumstances.

They are always skewed. This works both ways of course.

Jessbags001 · 16/11/2014 18:51

Naturally there's two sides, as there are when ANY two people don't see eye to eye. But you can't expect who struggle with their MILs to be posting the MILs side of things on here! They're here for help with their side of the problem. Obviously.

So you're never going to find a thread entitled:

"AIBU to quite like my kindhearted MIL and do my best to maintain a good relationship with her"

or even

"AIBU to sometimes find my MIL a bit irritating but endeavour to enjoy time with her nonetheless because I accept I'm also a bit irritating at times too"

Stalequavers · 16/11/2014 18:53

We get on well and have a laugh because I don't want to put ds in a position where he has to choose. He would pick her I know this

This statement says it all. You make yourself get on because of your ds. This will be apparent even if you have a laugh. I have a laugh either mil 2 but I know behind the facade she would rather I didn't exist.

Have you ever met somebody and you know they don't really get you or like you, but you both make an effort because you don't want to make the rest of the group uncomfortable? It's startling obvious to both parties, it's the same.

You honestly can't like every one you meet but some MILs & DILs clash because it's the emotional investment in their little solders Grin

Stalequavers · 16/11/2014 19:03

yes to marywest post.

MommyBird · 16/11/2014 19:14

I know what my mils side would be..

'I dont know what I've done, I don't know what I've done wrong! Why do you hate me so much? All I have ever done is try to help you. It's breaking my heart. I can't believe your're treating me like this!'

In real life. She has spread malicious lies about me, spoke about private medical information, not been arsed to see her grandchildren, threw tantrums when she has'nt got her way, smoked around my DD when we left her with MIL, demanded we saw her at least 3 times a week when I had DD1 as a newborn, let down our DDs, canceled last minute then moan she doesn't see DDs enough..

I could go on. But she doesn't know what she's done, because no one has ever stood upto her before. Son her behaviour is normal to her.
She has always been selfish even before I came along. DH went NC over a year ago.

Stalequavers · 16/11/2014 19:18

mommy could have written your post myself! Shock

MommyBird · 16/11/2014 19:24

Do we have the same MIL?! Shock

All Toxic people have the same traits and sayings. It's very creepy.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 16/11/2014 19:34

Yabu, i hate the assumption that the subjects of toxic mil threads are innocent maligned victims of evil and controlling dils! Stop projecting, people, the thread is not about you even if you are (or someday will be) a mil yourself! Presumably if someone is posting on here there is a backstory.

LuluJakey1 · 16/11/2014 19:41

My MIL is lovely. She is sensible, capable, funny and has the measure of DH which amuses me no end. She loves him to bits but she loves me too. If she ever takes a side over anything trivial it is mine.

He moved 130 miles from them when he met me at 30 and neither she not FIL seem to resent me for that. She told me she can see how happy he is.

I am 33 weeks pregnant and she has been nothing but nice and let us just get on with it. Last night she rang and said when the baby is born they won't come rushing up. We're to tell them when we are ready for visitors and they'll drive up for a couple of hours and go home because we'll want to be alone as a family and get to know the baby. She said there's nothing worse than having given birth and people sitting over you when you just want your house and baby to yourself. DH told her it would be at least a fortnight probably. I was a bit Shock because I had assumed they would want to be up in the first couple of days.