To say where MIL's are concerned there two sides to a story?

[MiddletonPink]

There seems to be an abundance of mil threads again on here.

I don't believe that every single mnetter is virtuous and without some blame in the breakdown of her relationship with her mil.

Some posters would do well to think about that and also remember that one day you are likely to be that hateful woman

Although I agree, the OP does sound patronising.

I find my relationship with mil strained at times due to family dynamics. My husband and I are quite private and she keeps thinking we're keeping things from her when we don't mention every blooming thing we do every bleeding day.

My own MIL is fine - we have a good relationship even though we are very different. DH (her son) does all the communication which he is very good at.

This is the crux f many of the sad MIL stories I read, sad as in Mil is being a horror. The son simply does not communicate with his own mother...they have a poor relationship new woman comes along and the mil has a nice excuse to blame it all on her....

Well, you have married your MIL's son - now why have you chosen him, why did you gel, what attracted him to you?

Is it the case that DS's absolutely never inherit their parent's attitudes, characters, or natures?

Funny that, that all these horrible women produce these wonderful DSs.

I married someone whom I thought was the opposite of my DF, in fact, he is in some ways like him, can't discuss emotions, a bit intolerant of others.
Then I realized with a shock that I had some of my DMIL's traits, bit of a loner, quiet most of the time. And possibly that was part of the attractions for us (obviously your main experience of marriage is your parents).

I would take a look at your MILs again.

I would say the same for most posts on here, we obviously only ever get that one persons opinion on what was said, how they interpret body language, tone of voice etc etc. 2 sides of the story and then there is the truth.

I think IL relationships are probably the hardest, people do not chose their IL's, they have also not built up years of bonds and love, however their partner has.

If you took my younger brother, I love him and would do almost anything I could for him, however he is massively selfish. I have learnt over time how to deal with that and him so I am not feeling let down by him, the work did go into that as he is my brother and ultimately I do love him.
If it was a friend I would have fucked them off.
If it was one of my husbands brothers I would really struggle to get past the selfishness and find a way to make the relationship work as I would not have the love and shared experiences and bonds to maybe think it was worth my time.

I think with a rare exception where people are really toxic, the relationships can work but take some work.

Is it the case that DS's absolutely never inherit their parent's attitudes, characters, or natures?

In My case yes, that couldnt be more true.

DH is the opposite of everything his family stands for, the opposite he couldnt be more different in every single way.

Sometimes there really aren't two sides! My MIL is an extremely odd person, almost certainly undiagnosed ASD, but also has a whole host of social phobias, paranoia and other eccentric behaviours. She has very poor understanding of social and personal boundaries (think calling all our phones 50 times in an hour if she can't get hold of us, turning up at the house without warning, coming into our bedroom constantly when she has stayed over - she has even turned up at the doctor's without warning to DH's medical appointments demanding to be allowed to go in with him - that's just a tiny amount of the stuff she does).

She genuinely doesn't seem to understand normal social interaction, and DH has struggled himself for years with the way in which she treats him like an extension of herself. As other posters have said, though, she particularly doesn't like me because I represent a loss of her percieved control over DH (and I'm willing to put my foot down and say a polite but firm no to some of her most intrusive behaviours).

But I was very tolerant of her eccentricities for a long time; however when DC were small she started turning up at the house every day at about 8am, making poisonous comments about me (whilst sitting in my house eating my food whilst I was out at work!) and when DH and I were having relationship problem she took to saying how pleased she would be if I disappeared so she could move in and effectively be mum to my children (which is also how she thinks of DH - as her surrogate partner - she was a single parent). She was completely and totally unable to countenance the idea that DH might ever do or have done anything wrong, so she told me the relationship problems were all my fault (when they most certainly were not, and when DH was having anger management counselling to try to address his negative behaviour).

Unfortunately, she has always been like that (and caused DH huge amounts of emotional problems as a child because of her total inability to acknowledge DH ever doing anything wrong - taking him out of schools completely any time he ever had any minor punishments for ordinary childish misbehaviour, so that he ended up at about eight different schools by the age of 13; refusing to let him socialise with other children in case they were "mean" to him, and so on). So I really don't think it's me - I'm normally a happy cheerful person who gets on with everyone! However MIL is unfortunately a very strange person, and I've ended up limiting contact to nearly NC because she has such a detrimental effect on both my and DH's mental health.

It's an interesting one. I think you're probably right OP, there are always two sides (to a certain degree). Equally though, not every MIL story on here comes from the same poster so I'm sure they all have varying degrees of justification.

My MIL from a previous relationship was fine. I now have a step-MIL and MIL. The step MIL is a truly lovely woman but my relationship with MIL is REALLY challenging (as is my husband's).

She said some really nasty things about me before I ever met/spoke to her. I have no idea why and if I'm honest it tainted my view of her before meeting her too. I was really disappointed that she didn't want to like me as I was excited about the having a relationship with the mum of the great guy I'd just met. She came to visit and tried to persuade him to split up with me citing my health (I was young and fit but had mild asthma!) and the fact that I didn't sweep up some toast crumbs from the counter immediately(?!). I found it crushing.

Only when I was pregnant did she seem to mellow a bit. But when we'd meet on Skype she made comments about my excessive size and how unhealthy my pregnancy looked (I'm size 6-8 and only put on my bump weight). We tried to put it down to her feeling out of the loop due to living so far away (North America).

She said she didn't want to visit when the baby was born as we were planning a trip to her when it was 4 months old and had vaccinations out of the way. When baby was born she then sprung on us that she wanted to come and stay for a couple of weeks in our tiny flat. Our hearts sunk but we didn't want to offend her so carefully worded a really friendly email saying we'd love to have her, how glad we were she'd changed her mind... but was there any chance she could come 2weeks after her chosen date so I could settle into the breastfeeding a little more as I felt self-conscious. She refused and told all her friends we wouldn't let her see her grandchild and that she'd never forgive us. I cried.

Fast forward two years and we have two children. She dotes on the first and openly tells me she prefers him (argh). We are so exasperated and exhausted by the situation but are getting better at managing it and making sure that we don't fall in the trap of treating her unfairly in anticipation of a nasty remark (we can't account for others' behaviour, only our own).

I really sympathise with everyone who finds MILs hard. IHowever, i's rare that we remain wholly innocent in the situation, especially after years of feeling persecuted. And I still feel sorry for my MIL. She does these things because she's insecure; she has no close and loving relationships in her life and she doesn't see that her own attitudes have caused that. It's sad.

Everyone just piles in on MIL threads to try and outdo each other with evil MIL stories.

Wow cherubim that sounds HARD.

And possibly that was part of the attractions for us (obviously your main experience of marriage is your parents).

My DF is an alpha male with a capital A, gorilla in jungle showing off his prowess, short and overtly masculine. Napoleon syndrome.

DH is tall, laid back, easy going, elegant, sensitive and couldnt be less like him.

Everyone just piles in on MIL threads to try and outdo each other with evil MIL stories.

I felt totally isolated and alone after Mil attacked me, verbally it happened at two major events in my life and probably took me years to over come it.

I didnt have MN then to help me.

I know I would have faired much better if I had been able to share my issues with experienced and wise people on here.

Hence when I see people suffering I like to pile on to give support.

Oh, and OP you're right about the 'turning into that hateful woman' bit.

I recently had that epiphany myself after listening to MIL's own evil MIL stories and realised there's a good chance that she's projecting her past MIL relationship onto ours, assuming I feel towards her as she did to her MIL. I don't want years of seething to make me do the same one day.

I decided I want to break that cycle and that however hard I find it, we need to show her kindness and patience, even if only as an example to children of how to deal with in-laws/parents.

Then I realized with a shock that I had some of my DMIL's traits, bit of a loner, quiet most of the time. And possibly that was part of the attractions for us

This.

It was a shock to me, too, when I thought about it after a bit of a turbulent moment with MIL. We are both married to fairly passive men. We are both used to being in control of things (not in a control-freakery way, but being the ones who 'drive' things). It was bound to cause problems now and again.

I like my PILs. Quite a lot, really. We get on very well and have some of the best evenings together, crying tears of laughter over silly stuff. So when- as still happens occasionally- we lock horns, it helps to remember that we're both essentially the same sort of person and she is NOT an evil MIL.

On the other hand- I'm very glad that I don't have my mother as a MIL. My DB is only recently making tentative moves towards contact with her after several years of NC due to her appalling behaviour with him and my SIL- behaviour which had nothing to do with anything SIL had or hadn't done. Unfortunately it is just the way she is. Some people just are like that.

Zevite I do like ds' GF. She's funny and has an infectious personality.
She is used to having all her own way though. Why would DS have to give in to her every whim because he loves her so much?

She hasn't said that ds can't spend Christmas with us, just that she wants to spend it with her family therefore putting ds in a horrible position.

I don't say anything to ds just that of course they both are welcome or just him if he wants.

When I read a lot of the "terrible MIL" posts in here I find myself thinking that a lot of the time the problem is more with a DH/DP who doesn't stand up to his mother.

It would be interesting to get the other side of the story though.So I agree with you OP.

ZeViteWitch I agree, vilifying MIL storytellers helps no-one either. They are struggling and need support. And maybe the occasional yes YABU comment if appropriate!

It is a fairly unique relationship though. Who else comes into your life in such close proximity with so little choice? You wouldn't expect to have a great relationship with all the mums of all your friends. Or all the friends of your partner. Or all your dc's friends.

And the op might think she's doing a grand job of masking her dislike but the tension will show. A strained relationship at close quarters is difficult.

Wow cherubim that sounds HARD.

Thanks Rodion - yes it's been a bit of a slog! Your MIL sounds awful too :( I guess I came to the realisation that (maybe unlike the position of wives in earlier generations, who ended up having to accept their DH's family struggles as their own weight), in the end it is just not my job to be responsible for or accommodating of someone else's personality or emotional problems to the detriment of my own wellbeing and that of my family and children. If MIL was my family I'd have to take her on as a responsibility (and goodness noes my own mum can be "challenging" herself - I know my BIL's and DH certainly find her so and I try to limit her a bit too).

But I won't accept MIL and her issues as somehow my "wifework" responsibility. She's DH's responsibility, sure, but I don't see why she should be mine. I appreciate that some people who have a different understanding of the role of the DIL think that if you marry into a family you take on responsibility for that family, but really that just ends up always falling to the woman in most cases. And I have a full-time job, young DC, and no time to indulge or fix MIL's oddities.

I agree. My sil hates our joint Mil and Fil. Everything they do is wrong in her eyes. I actually see her waiting to be offended. They can't do right for wrong and it's such a shame to witness. They are nice people, a bit annoying at times but who isn't.

*noes? Knows more like! No idea what my autocorrect was doing there.

I think some posters make valid points on here on the mil/dil relationship and in laws generally.

I've got a rocky relationship with mil and these are my thoughts... When I first met DH all I wanted was for his family to like me. At that point of me being new on the scene mil sensed she had all the power and wanted me to know my place. She was horrible, rude & damn right nasty. She was obsessed with me fitting straight into some preconceived role. I was forced to sit through countless Sunday dinners out, visits to their house etc. It was intense and I felt under pressure to be part of another family unit overnight, and remember a family that was bloody awful to me. Every minute in their company was torture waiting for the next beat down as she kept me in my place. I think what I'm trying to say is that the relationship wasn't allowed to just develop over time as we got to know each other.

Eventually she turned on DH and had a go at him over our wedding and said awful things about me, that was the end of their relationship (it's still limping along now but in my opinion she lost him forever that day). Now x years later and 2 dc and the power scales have changed.

On the other hand my db and sil have been together about 15 years. Sil appeared on the scene, popped into dm's every now & again, turned up for family events and our relationship developed naturally over the years. No one expected anything from her apart from her to make db happy. At first she was seen as an outsider, she was called 'frosty' but now we love her dearly. She's the sister I never had and we would do anything for each other. I often think if my dm had played it differently and put demands on db how differently things could of turned out. Sils and diamond but there's no way she would put up with the crap I have.

Just some observations! I'm certainly planning on playing the long game when my ds's find partners.

Thanks, Shodan nice to see someone agreeing that there is a possible attraction due to parents.

My DF is an alpha male with a capital A, gorilla in jungle showing off his prowess, short and overtly masculine. Napoleon syndrome. DH is tall, laid back, easy going, elegant, sensitive and couldnt be less like him

So what does that make you ZeVite the strong, powerful one of the relationship - no? oh, you're both easy going, kind sensitive and elegant - hmmmm.

I find my PIL very difficult at times but thankfully they live a long way away so we don't have to see them too often! My MIL has verbal diarrhea which can also come in the form of a regular letter where she just writes things without thinking. The latest letter was beyond awful

However I think its mostly down to her just not thinking before she speaks/writes and well my FIL is just a grumpy old bugger!

Now I'm finding the shoe is on the other foot as my children are grown up and both have girlfriends and boyfriends. My DD has a serious BF who if I'm really honest I'm a bit about. I had a bit of a rocky start with him and aired my opinion of him (when he'd upset my DD) which I now bitterly regret. But he makes my DD happy, treats her well now and is actually a nice boy just a very different character to her. So I need to try really hard to make things work. I have vowed not to ever have the same situation with my children that I have with my PIL. I want them to always be able to come home and visit and feel truly comfortable here. We've always been a very close family of 4...I just need to make it a close family of 6..... it just takes a bit of time to adjust to it all.