To say where MIL's are concerned there two sides to a story?

[MiddletonPink]

There seems to be an abundance of mil threads again on here.

I don't believe that every single mnetter is virtuous and without some blame in the breakdown of her relationship with her mil.

Some posters would do well to think about that and also remember that one day you are likely to be that hateful woman

My MIL is very nice we are not BFFs but we get on well i'm pretty sure she's just smart enough to keep her mouth shut and go home to moan about me which is what I do with her it works well for us. My Mum on the other hand is a bit of a nightmare she can't hold it in I'm used to her but DP and her and a few big run in's. To be fair my mums never had a mother in law as neither my dad or step dads parents were alive/around and my sisters never had a partner for more than a few months so when DP and I got together and had DS it was a shock for her having this whole other family she didn't cope well with sharing us!

Perhaps the reason MIL's are labelled as problematic more than other relatives is along the lines of baffledsomemore 's comment.

The hard MILs are perhaps people that are hard work in general (for whatever reason), not just for their DILs and sons. But the other people in their lives don't have that same high pressure relationship and can just brush it off 'oh that's just x, she's often like that. Annoying but never mind'.

DH is tall, laid back, easy going, elegant, sensitive and couldnt be less like him

And who moulded this epitome of perfect husbandhood, obviously the evil MIL must have had nothing to do with it!!!!

Taking the question at face value, of course YANBU. There are two sides to every story, & of course we only get one perspective on MN threads. MILs & DILs are individuals, every case is different, blah blah blah. Hard to disagree with that.

And yet what this thread really seems to be about is that you resent your son's GF, despite saying you like her. She's spoiled, your son has to indulge her every whim, her family always comes first, you have to bite your tongue. Any change in your son's behaviour has to be blamed on her.

Personally I find this kind of scapegoating of DILs just as prevalent as any assumption that MILs are always in the wrong. I've followed links from here to GN on a couple of occasions & seen case after case where poor / lack of communication between a mum & her adult son is laid at DIL's door, & where every family decision that MIL doesn't like is attributed solely to DIL. It's as if the son is a helpless puppet without any personal responsibility or agency at all.

So I think YABU, OP, to argue against thoughtless stereotyping of MILs when you seem to have fallen into exactly the same trap with regards to your "DIL" / son's GF.

usualsuspect but the problem is that it's all too predictable what the MIL in these cases would say "from the other side", no? So it wouldn't really help to know the other side.

My MIL would say (and I know this because I'be heard her say it): "I don't know why cherubim is so difficult with me, I only try to help, I was so worried about Mrcherubim, I just wanted to see he was all right, cherubim doesn't look after him properly, she doesn't worry about him, she doesn't treat him well, he has to do housework, and childcare! And he shouldn't have to! Men don't take well to childcare or housework!" [conveniently forgetting I have full-time job and DH doesn't...] "Cherubim doesn't worry about MrCherubim like I do" [too right, he's a grown man not a ten year old and can go to his flu vaccination appointment by himself.] "Cherubim nags MrCherubim too much and he really shouldn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do".

I could go on for ages, but how would it help to know that MIL wouldn't see her behaviour as anything strange? Of course she doesn't - people don't. They never (or very rarely) say, "Gosh I was being a bit unreasonable there. I mean, with hindsight perhaps that was an alienating and ill-advised thing to have done/said." Of course they don't think they have done anything. "Two sides to every story" so often means that both sides self-justify their own position, not that you genuinely get anything out of hearing both. People posting MIL stories generally need support and somewhere to vent about often horrendously stressful and emotionally difficult situations (or even just mildly irritating and funny ones) - not a public tribunal!

The favouring one grandchild over the others is a worry, here.

DMIL has offered pretty insistently to pay DS1's university fees. We have three children, and she is quite clear that this is only an offer to the eldest.

I really hate the idea that she is trying to make a lovely gesture and put herself into financial difficulties to do something that will NOT help DS1 and will probably cause problems with his siblings. But what ever I say is taken (ahem) somewhat amiss, so it's up to DH. Who isn't dealing with it.

Aarghh...

I find the MIL threads here interesting, I was brought up and live in a different culture. The way I was brought up the MIL figure was queen and a good wife and DIL (you can't have one without the other culturally) would spend a lifetime trying to please her and keep her happy. Conceding to her every wish and command. Chances are the now MIL probably did the same during her younger years with her own MIL

Consequently there were and still are tons of disgruntled, miserable and brow beaten DILs within the culture I live in. The sons in these relationships either never get involved or "side" with their mums against their own wives.

Even seemingly "modern" men within our circle kowtow to their mums. The clever DILs I know and the ones that seem to have the least amount of inlaws stress seem to be the ones that know how to play the game (fake it and pick your battles) or who move far away geographically early on in the marriage.

Yes, there are two sides to every story but when I hear a MIL story from an acquaintance or family member I am inclined to believe the DIL.

I have an awful relationship with my MIL, but take comfort from the fact its probably her and not me because she has equally awful relationships with all of her current 3 DIL's (and previous 2 as well).

You will see a lot of threads on here about bad relationships, but it is not representative of most relationships. This is mostly a support board and people don't need support when they have good relationships!

I agree that sometimes there are two sides but equally some women are horrible.

My ex mil is lovely, she was at the birth of my ds, offered advice but was never offended if we chose not to take it. Never interfered and we would spend lots of time together.

My current mil is a vicious bitch who can't stand that I already have children that my dp was then living with. She couldn't bear the thought of my children getting attention from her ds when his own dd wasn't around and thought that my dc should be ignored when she was. Dsd is lovely and all the children get on well, even his ex is mostly reasonable.

The final nail in the coffin was when do and I had a dc of our own. Dp and his ex had let mil take over with dsd to the point that mil had her 3 or 4 nights a week and made major decisions. I on the other hand was raising two children already perfectly well and didn't need that level of input. Realising she couldn't control me she decided to get rid of me instead. Didn't work out too well for her.

I have two ex mil's and one current mil (complicated family)
One ex mil I have known for 13 years and we had our ups and downs some of which, looking back I can see I played my part in. I for her in the seperation and we get along just fine. She does do things that annoy me and we have had the occasional cross word but then so do me and my own mother. I love her dearly and she is a fantastic support and a fab granny. So there with more maturity yes I see the part I played in some of the issues in the past and sea that some were her.
Other ex mil is a nasty piece of work and makes it worse by being nice to my face. I have known her since I was 7 years old and she dislikes me with a passion. Not that I have done anything wrong just purely because she cannot shout me down. She is loud and over bearing and will use horrid emotional blackmail to get her own way and it didn't work on me so for that I'm awful.

My now mil is fine enough as is fil. There is no other expectation of me other than I make dp happy. His whole extended family in fact have welcomed me and my 3 dc as their own and are delighted dp had met someone that loves him right back the way he loves me. They are none of them people I would actively choose to spend time with otherwise but I do like them as my it's.

Having the three relationships to compare I can see that there were three entirely different dynamics at play and put my hand up to playing a part in some of the issues in one of them.
I think the ones that make me most dad are the don't want my mil near me in hospital after baby is born ones though want their mum as a visitor. When I had my dc I wasn't particularly close to ex mil's at the time but welcomed them and handed them the baby because exh was an excited new parent too and his mother and excited granny.

I don't think there are always two sides, or rather, often one of the 'sides' is still completely wrong/toxic but the person doesn't see it.

I've had two MILs - the one I wouldnt piss on if she was on fire and the one that I absolutely adore.

First MIL was an evil toxic cow that helped shape her son into a nasty, selfish, abusive piece of work that could do no wrong. There would never be an 'other side' because she wouldn't have it that she or her son had ever done anything wrong - not theft, not bullying, not violence, not abuse. The police escorted him to her house once and the first thing she said was "Oh what is Eve whining on about now?" (It wasn't actually me who had called them, it was someone else in a bar who'd heard him say he was going home to "teach Eve a lesson"). When we divorced she tried to badmouth me to everyone, including people who had seen his actions first hand - and then cut those people off when they wouldn't demonise me too.

She's dead now, and from what I hear her funeral was almost deserted.

There was no 'other side' and there is no way I would treat anyone the way my ExMIL treated me - so I have no need to worry about that.

I like my DIL and I think she likes me, we seem to get on. My MIL was kind to me, set in her ways - probably as I am. I tried to remember that we both loved the same people and usually that got us through any misunderstandings and i think she thought the same. I think neither of us liked battles and we wanted to find a compromise. Some people need to win at any cost

There's three sides to most things usually, in cases like this: her side, her side and the truth.

Some people are just shitty and toxic. Some people are browbeaten and sick of it. I think lot of time when people post they can't even see or accept the toxicity they are so beaten down or they're at the brink where they just need the reassurance to stand up but I have seen a few where I've thought 'seriously, you sound like you are being the drama queen' and others where I've wondered about the other side.

Perception is in the eye of the beholder, largely it's unreliable but there are some real shitty MILs out there, just as there are some real shitty DILs. You just have to go by what the OP says because it's unlikely another side will come out.

my nana was my mums mil and I remember asking my mum about her. My mum explained that when she had her first baby she got extremely sick and was in hospital a long time, my nana came every day to hospital,and nursed her back to health at home after a super serious infection as my mum lost 3 stone. Apparently my nana never went on about it - never expected anything back,,never went on at all. She just stepped in when she was needed.

My nana was like that she was always helping people - I remember being told that a single mum who got out of an abusive relationship stayed with her for a while with her baby. I also know that when my nana died some of the ex boyfriends and ex girlfriends of her children ( she had a large family) came to the hospital, which,I thought was just so lovely.

Hope I made that clear the exes may not have got on with her daughters or sons and some of them wee first crushes but they still respected and loved my nana. I think she was an awesome person and an awesome mil. She never interfered in parenting of her grandchildren but just helped out.

My own mother is quite possibly one of the most horrendous unpleasant people I have ever come into contact with. I have several siblings all but one of my siblings are reasonable decent kind people.

They are reasonable decent and kind despite her input into their lives.

She's a MIL

I would like to hear the Mil's perception of the stories that are told on here.

There is always two sides to a tale even if the Mil is in the wrong!

And who moulded this epitome of perfect husbandhood, obviously the evil MIL must have had nothing to do with it!!!!

Sorry of course their genes have made him as it were, and their parents and theirs and so on, but in terms of personality, its nothing to do with MIL I did make that clear earlier on,

In fact Mil used to say all the time to his face how he was not elegant and laugh at him. He is the opposite of everything they stand for and what they stand for is the opposite of everything I stand for too.

My DH is an extreme example, and his family are extreme examples.

My DH is not like his parents or mine,he is like me.

It is so predictable what the MIL would say from the other side that we don't need to hear the other side

Therein lies the problem on here.
I have lost sympathy for OP though-she is very judgy about her DIL-therefore perhaps not a very nice MIL.
What perturbs me a little are threads that start off about something else eg "my child was rude to my MIL" or "My Mum says she would like a closer relationship with me" and posters start immediately saying they expect MIL/DM is toxic-with no real evidence. Often very definitive advice is given on this basis.
These relationships are sometimes very complex.

I would like to hear the Mil's perception of the stories that are told on here

I know my MILS and I can tell you. Before I came along she was crying to anyone and everyone all the time about her sub standard embarrassing son who isn't a banker and not raking in tons of money like his DS and her husband. dH was treated like the family black sheep and somewhere between being having LD and being the family scape goat and dogs body.

when I came along, dh didn't even want me to meet them, and of course i did and couldn't understand why then he had so many issues with them. Years down the line, I now know. But the problems in his relationship that was already painfully there before i came on the scene and now, of course...all my fault, so now MIL has a much neater and tidier reason for her crap relationship with her son, me.

She is now the crying marytr at the mercy of her cruel DIL who has taken her son away from her.

I dont think in 6 years I ever heard her or her DH say a single nice thing to my DH, always telling him off, always putting him down, but apparently he is supposed to like this and want to be around this and I am stopping him

My dh has little interaction with my family . They don't ring him or make demands of his time. They ring me to make plans.
The same can be said of my in laws because it's also me they ring !!!

What's that about ??

20 yrs of checking in calls , I'm a donkey on the edge !!!

I just think families be they in laws or blood related can be bloody hard work!