To say where MIL's are concerned there two sides to a story?

[MiddletonPink]

There seems to be an abundance of mil threads again on here.

I don't believe that every single mnetter is virtuous and without some blame in the breakdown of her relationship with her mil.

Some posters would do well to think about that and also remember that one day you are likely to be that hateful woman

YANBU

I think learning to tolerate relations who irritate the fuck out of you is part of growing up.

People talk the talk about the importance of family, but what they really mean is 'you're only going to be treated as a family member if you behave in a way I consider reasonable and seemly. If not, I'm going to cut you out of all our lives.

My Mil died last year but she was lovely although firm in her opinion being the only "right" one but she was in her 80's and rather set in her matriarchal ways. I hadn't known her very long in the grand scheme of things and dp and I neither had or have any intention of marriage but a few weeks before her death she phoned me and asked if it was ok for her to "adopt me" as her daughter. she told every member of the hospital staff that came near as well as social services and the chap from the benefits office that she had 4 sons and 3 daughters (1 son in law and 2 daughters in law adopted)

I am gutted for dd that she will never know her Grandma but she did spend most of her first 9 weeks at her Grandma's bedside. the woman was a genuine sweetie, yes she drove me nuts and we clashed over discipline issues of the dsc's but we also agreed that her rules in her house were her rules but in ours our rules stood. Dp also spent a lot of time getting his mum to see that rules and boundaries for his kids and consequences for bad behaviour were actually a good thing which she eventually saw the benefit of where food especially was concerned

I see both sides to the mil issue tbh. as lovely as mine was my dad's mum was an absolute bitch to my mum (and me). mum married the favourite son and was never forgiven for it. dad's mum was a vile spiteful old hag who made my mum's life hell. so I do understand that at times it can be unprovoked but I do think that in a large proportion of the instances portrayed on here that the dil's are not as innocent as they make out

Apocalypse makes a good point about MiL sometimes having to beg for crumbs - and I see that in my own family. My SiL treated my mum like a second class citizen. Suddenly everything is done their way and mum is irrelevant. One day these women who are head of their own family decreeinghow everything is done will ne MiLs themselves.

My own MiL is lovely. Not easy - but nor am I - and it took a while to negotiate the realtionship but as I get older I value her input hugely and there is no doubt my DCs lives are enriched by knowing her.

However there will always be some who are toxic however hard you try.

Definitely, I think the same probably applies to posts complaining about other parties who mumsnet is generally comfortable with casting in a baddie role eg stepmothers, exes, brides, certain types of single mother...

My daughters partners mother is a nightmare ! She exhibits every nasty narcistict trait I've read about on mumsnet, she alienates my daughter at every opportunity and by extension has made my daughters mild dislike of her behaviour turn into irrational rage at the least little comment now !

There are sometimes just horrible MIL's, I get on well with both my children's partners, they both appear to like me, but then I don't engineer situations to cause drama or complain about anything, I accept its their life.

Aeroflot has it right some woman cannot accept their child is an adult and they are no longer the most important person in their life.

So I am sure in some cases YANBU but it is not true of all cases.

The In law relationship isnt natural, it is an imposed familial relationship without the history to create bonds.

If people are very lucky they will get on well. In most cases they put up with each other for the sake of their partner's and children's relationships with parents/grandparents.

If they are unlucky then the relationship just wont work. Of course the sensible thing to do in this situation would be to agree to differ and step away. The problems come when people try to press on and forge a relationship.

I get on okay with PiL, one thing I do make clear to them is that they are not my parents. I never call them mum and dad, I always call them by their first names. We keep contact at a superficial level and they dont look to interfere in our lives.

I think it's about boundaries and a certain amount of MIL's don't get that. I do get on very well with my MIL but there are things that she regularly oversteps the mark on.

I think a fair few MIL's just think they can do do things because in their mind that's still their child but they forget that the DIL is a separate adult person who may have a different outlook on things. As a MIL I will accept that my son and DIL may parent and do things differently to me and will respect their adult choices. I will always offer to do things for them and any GC's but not impose myself and ways upon them.

There isn't always 2 sides. My MIL is a nasty, vindictive bitch and I'm nice . It's not because I'm her DIL that there is a problem, it's just her nature. I'm not the only person in the family that stopped speaking to her.

zippy, I have that at the moment too. Inspired by MN I've actually told my friend to butt out of her son's life, when previously I would have held my tongue and thought, "That's not very nice."

It was her anti-breast-feeding rant that actually made me speak up.

It does seem that some women struggle with the transition to being a MIL.

Perhaps it is a combination of the loss of control over their own children / family, a realisation that time is passing and they are no longer so young, a lack of direction and opportunity in our society which doesn't place much value on older people (especially women) and personal pressures such as menopause, caring for their own aging parents, work, etc.

I think late 50s / early 60s can be quite a hard time in a woman's life.

Sometimes people who are affected by these things can behave in inappropriate or even downright awful ways.

Some people were always awful!

My own MIL is fine - we have a good relationship even though we are very different. DH (her son) does all the communication which he is very good at. She loves our children and they love her. We see PIL regularly but not too much, so I never post in AIBU about her!

Well ... you could say same about the Relationships board - pretty much full of unhappy threads about partners and husbands. Posters are going to post because they are having problems.

With family problems there's only a few catagories: kids, spouses, parents, parents-in-law and siblings.

MN is frequented mostly by women. On the whole it's still the women in a family who have to do most when it comes to the social side of things. Women dealing with their DHs family, who they have not grown up with, plus their own.

Stands to reason then that with family threads there's going to be lots of them by women about women who they are newly having to rub along with. ie: MIL threads.

I adore my MIL and am always keen to spend time with her. She is tolerant, kind and easygoing.

Her other DIL is not as close to her despite also living nearby but she and BIL don't have DC yet so perhaps that will change.

Sometimes it's the DIL...

I agree with those posters who say that people who have a great relationship with their MIL aren't going to mention it on AIBU - that kind of thread is more a Chat thing.

I loved my MIL, lost her in 2011 and still miss her. My DH also gets on brilliantly with my DM and DF.

In my case definitely. mil is lovely and I like her but for some reason she winds me up at times in a way other people don't. I'm being a bitch but I can't help it .

To one of the other posters she always used to tell me what she was cooking. After 10 years of me saying 'yes lovely' she eventually gave up .

Mine (& Fil) is toxic. I wish I felt another way, after losing my dad early I hoped I would have a strong bond with my pil and stupidly expected them to be like a second family to me. They are to my sil but I don't fit into their 'type' of person it seems, I need to be a loud blonde extrovert but am quite opposite.

I do feel very lucky to have dds as think it's much easier for future mil relations and can definitely see how some mil of boys have a rough deal.

Well, there's two sides to most stories really. My experience has been a bit like SerenitySutton. My MIL was awful for years, really nasty and it did not bring out my best self. DH and I met when we were 16 and she had always told him that she would be vile to his first girlfriend and she was and she kept it up for a while. Unlucky for her, we stayed together.

That said, somehow we've all worked through our issues and we have a great relationship now. Sure, there's the odd annoying thing but no more so than there is with my parents. It was really hard for a long time but we all came out the other side- I grew up (which helped), she calmed down, everyone forgave each other and here we are. Helps hugely that she is a doting grandmother to my DCs :)

OP, you have fallen into the classic MiL trap of listing your DiL's faults, and confessing that you don't like the dynamic between your son and her but still think you are a good MiL. Do you honestly think your disapproval won't be sensed by her?

Relationships are complex and there are always two sides to a story.
However some people are really very difficult and sometimes the problem in the relationship mainly is the fault of one party.

The difficulty is that we only have the perspective of the poster and have to take that on face value-so its difficult to tell.

I do think that there tends to be an assumption on here that the older person is always the one at fault so people pile on and add fuel to the fire.

I do feel sorry for anyone with a really horrible MIL but I think on forums like relationships posters should be careful not to jump to conclusions.
My DM and my SIL had a poor relationship-I could see big faults on both sides.

Middleton many MILs feel like you, its just of them let it slip.

In varying ways and means.

His GF has been spoiled all her life by her parents and now DS is doing it. Maybe he likes doing it...maybe she makes him so happy he would do anything for her?

Maybe you could ask her face to face about spending it with you. Do you make her feel comfortable, your biting your tongue but you don't seem to like her at all, maybe she picks up on this and hence doesn't want to be round you and esp not at special times?

My exMIL expected me to go back to work full time from the moment my dds cord was cut so that she could have dd all the time. She wanted to be mum and got pissed off when I didn't. Now 10 yrs on she doesn't see dd at all through her own choice because I wouldn't roll over and let her raise my dd. What a horrible DIL I was

My MIL and I are just very different people. I grew up in a very small family, spread all over Europe so we quite often went months without seeing my grandparents. Even now I quite happily go three maybe four months without seeing certain relatives and everyone is fine with it.

My MIL grew up in a huge family who all lived within the same cluster of roads. Family interaction is everything to her and she struggles with the fact that we live 90 minutes away.

We get on, but will never "love" each other.

Like people have posted we are more likely to hear about the difficult relationships because that's what people want advice on. I know a lot of people with great mil-dil bonds and some not so great.
I think its worth remembering that most dil are very keen to get along better with their inlaws and do try hard to.

I think if you have lovely MILs or PILs or mothers you don't come on here to complain about them. So it is skewed to toxic relationships, and of course you are only getting one side of the story!

I do think there is a built in resentment in both MILs and DILs in a lot of relationship and 'ownership' of the DS/ DH is fought over! It usually dies down after a time as everyone grows up!

There are two sides. A DIL is new to it and a MIL is very experienced.

I'll never forget that our new build house was not quite ready when my X and I were married so we went to spend about 6 weeks at his mother's house. She inspected our bedroom every day finding personal things and didn't like it when he said that he liked my mincemeat tart but never said that he liked hers and she didn't like it when he cleaned my shoes but not hers. I had only just moved from living with my parents to her house so was a newbie at it all. I packed a suitcase and nearly walked out after 3 weeks to get a bus back to my parents. A bit of begging on my X's part got us as far as 29 years .....