MIL - I've really no idea why she was so upset about this?

[MyballsareSandy]

My 13 year old DDs go from school to the in laws every Wed, have dinner there and DH collects them. They don't particularly like doing this as they are old enough to go home alone, until me and DH get home from work, which we allow on other days. It's just basically to keep in touch with their grandparents, and usually the GPs love it (I think!).

Anyway, yesterday DH arrives at his parents to find his mum in floods of tears, and his dad having stern words with DD2. Apparently she was doodling in a notebook and wrote "Nan smells of fart" . Bit childish at 13, but really is it worth the drama that followed, I just don't get it.

DD doesn't want to go there anymore, she can't understand the reaction either and would much rather just go home after school, which I'm tempted to say yes to.

The 13 yo had written it in a notebook. How did the GM come to read what may have been private?

Your DD was very rude! Any child of mine would get a real bollocking for that, especially at 13.

I was mortified when my 3 YO called my FIL a "fat old man", even though FIL found it really funny.

It has nothing to do with whether she wants to go to her grandparents house, it's about being cruel and disrespectful to an adoring relative who presumably has looked after her and done lovely things for her over the years.

mrsfrumble but this 13 yo didn't say anything to her gran. You are making presumptions about this relationship.
Why do all grans have to be lovely with rosy apple cheeks?

This gran in question sounds rather hard work.

As for "women of the MIL's age" finding either the words fart or fanny offensive...... That's possibly one of the most ridiculously ageist things I've ever read in her. Not all women lose their SOH during the menopause.

My own dear sweet mother, a church organist by profession, did and does refer to me affectionately as fanny fart.

My children's other nan would've given them a fake cuff round the ear and told them not to be so bloody cheeky. And then got the cakes out.

I cannot believe some of the nonsense I've read on this thread. Devastated?!

Even if the grandmother is hard work (and there's no reason to think she is), she's still entitled to expect to be treated respectfully in her own home by her granddaughter.

But she left it where her grandmother could see it.

Does being "hard work" make it okay to be so personal and unkind?

But maybe she was being treated respectfully. The 13 yo didn't call her any names.

She is a child, but not a young child.

Your daughter hurt her nan's feelings. Regardless of whether or not she wants to go to her grandparents or not, I would expect my children to respect their grandchildren, so she would have been firmly spoken to. I don't think it was "drama" that your MIL was upset and that FIL told your child off.

I think you need to speak to your daughter and she needs to apologise. It may have been funny to you but it could have come across as quite horrible.

*grandparents not grandchildren

Well she said she smelled of farts. Saying that it's different to name-calling is splitting hairs!

From a younger child it could excused as over-the-top silliness, but coming from a 13 year old there's definitely an element of cruelty whether she meant for it to be seen or not.

Fanny fart what a great nickname!!

I'm sure even my own highly strung, pain in the arse, narcissist mother wouldn't have taken it as far as OPs MIL..

Fairly unanimous YABU OP. You don't indicate if DD was made to apologise. She needs to.

Why did the gran read the notebook? Even if it is lying around. Knowing teenagers as I do private doolings in notebooks are private.
The gran must have been snooping.

... Or the daughter could have left the notebook open on a table. I don't think the OP is coming back to clarify.

Neither of us know the details then. An apology may not be in order.

Or perhaps the GM owes the girl an apology.

Sounds like there could be more to it than just "nan smells of fart".
13 year olds can be pretty hard work; maybe MIL wants to maintain that little girl / nan relationship, but DD has grown out of it.
MIL's tears may be frustration and a bit of sadness that it's not what it used to be?

Re ageism-some people have suggested that fart is a less offensive word than fanny or fuck off. I do think for a lot of older people there isn't much difference. Some would be offended by bad language others not. Actually I'd rather grandkids told me to fuck off -its less personal.
I wouldn't be crying over either but still think this behaviour is very out of order.
Whether you think her grandmother is silly or not DD needs to learn a bit of consideration and manners.

That's really quite mean of your daughter, I would be mortified if any of my children acted that way / did that to their grandparents. Maybe your MIL was only crying because she was sad for your daughter, sad over the way she is turning out already?

We know the details the op chose to give, which is all we ever know on here.

She chose to give details which painted her daughter badly.

Little point extrapolating from the details given that MIL was snooping etc as there has been no indication that this in fact happened.

Grrrr, it's so frustrating when your kids do something like this. It was really stupid of your DD but, I imagine it was done to be silly rather than to be nasty to your MIL. In my opinion it is worth a telling off and suggesting she buy her granny a bunch of flowers or bake her a cake (or whatever). It really isn't the end of the world though. The MILs reaction seems very OTT but I guess it depends how the comment was made and your DDs reaction at the time.
It was stupid - 13 year old do stupid things. I've never stopped being suprised by the curve balls thrown by normally well behaved and mature children.

Bigblue you are clearly desperate to excuse this girl from her awful behaviour that you're making ridiculous assumptions. Unless you're the op.

Partly it's a generational thing. I don't swear - not because I'm prudish or shocked by other people swearing - but because I didn't hear swearing by my family or acquaintances when growing up, so swear words are not part of my natural vocabulary. Also as a primary teacher the only swearing at work came from the children - usually followed by profuse apologies if they thought you had heard them. Speaking as a grandparent I wouldn't have acted so dramatically in those circumstances, but given the child a good telling off. I wonder if the OP would have felt differently if it had been her own mother and not MIL.

I'm shocked that anyone would try to defend your daughter's behaviour. There are all sorts of valid reasons why your MIL may be oversensitive about this, there is not a single one that excuses such rudeness from a child old enough to know better. I think you need to make it very clear to her that she should be very ashamed and apologise accordingly.

FWIW, I am in my 50s and am far more conscious of smells since hitting menopause so I would be upset too. I would be a bit miffed if a young child said this about me but I would assume maybe it was a generic "rude" insult. I would be hurt and mortified if a 13 year old said that about me as I would assume they are old enough to know what it means and too old for them to think it to be funny in a naughty way.

Grandparents are not around forever (my DCs were 16 and 13 when one of theirs died) You should teach your daughter to appreciate this time with them and treat them with respect