MIL - I've really no idea why she was so upset about this?

[MyballsareSandy]

My 13 year old DDs go from school to the in laws every Wed, have dinner there and DH collects them. They don't particularly like doing this as they are old enough to go home alone, until me and DH get home from work, which we allow on other days. It's just basically to keep in touch with their grandparents, and usually the GPs love it (I think!).

Anyway, yesterday DH arrives at his parents to find his mum in floods of tears, and his dad having stern words with DD2. Apparently she was doodling in a notebook and wrote "Nan smells of fart" . Bit childish at 13, but really is it worth the drama that followed, I just don't get it.

DD doesn't want to go there anymore, she can't understand the reaction either and would much rather just go home after school, which I'm tempted to say yes to.

I think it's so sad that a 13 year old is no longer considered a child. What a short childhood and a such a shame.
I'd certainly consider my 13 year old nephew a child, he's no way an grown up yet, and it's refreshing.

'13 a child? Like the ones who have babies or intercourse are children? No 13 is not a child.'

The demonspawn that is Y9.

I consider my 13 year old a child. But I also have pretty high expectations of his behaviour, empathy and good manners. I would expect him to understand that sometimes we have social obligations we carry out because they make other people happy, even if we would actually rather not ourselves. And I also would expect him to have the social skills to manage that with grace and courtesy. And not to write stupid things about other people where they are going to see it.

I agree Hakluyt - I would be pretty shocked and upset with my 10yo if he did this, too.

MIL's reaction makes me think maybe this isn't the only incident?

Ds has AS and so I had to actively teach him social skills. The why bother took a lot longer for him to understand, but his manners are very good and he's still getting to grips with why.
'That lady is fat and she smells peculiar' was one gem when he was 10, on the train to London. It was just an observation to him, but she was mortified.
(the smell was something expensive and floral)

Really rude/nasty would be calling her a cunt

Saying she smells of farts is mildly cheeky.

It deserves a telling off but no serious drama.

Unless of course there is more to the situation.

Do you know why dd did it? I would be very cross but mil did over react. My mil said to my 5 year old dd, i dont think you line me tiday as she was in a stroppy mood. Pathetic.

I don't think you should force dds to go there if they don't want to. They are old enough to choose. My dd nearly 13, didn't want to go on holiday with pil this year, much to my regret I made her because I wanted a break, she lastec one day before being dropped home.

Op doesn't regard her 13 year olds as children as she allows them to go home from school and stay alone in the house.

Wheres op?

At 13 the OPs DD surely has the level of intelligence/social awareness to work out that something like this would hurt her granny's feelings? At 13 she surely must know her granny well enough to know whether she's the sort to be offended by this sort of thing or not?

Agree with those saying that she should carry on visiting. Children need to learn that sometimes they should put others before themselves and suffer being bored for a few hours in order to make their grandparents happy.

For those who think the DD shouldn't have to see the MIL anymore, do you suggest the OP tells the MIL to her face that the DD doesn't want to spend time with her?

Heartbroken for the poor grandmother. She must be devastated. Do hope your DD has apologised profusely. Perhaps there are jobs around the house that she could do to help make amends?

Haha I agree Needs! Cunt would have been a bit of a shocker.

MIL being in "floods of tears" over anything her 13 year old granddaughter said about her seems way over the top though. I can see that it's hurtful and DD should apologise as it did cause upset, but what a load of drama.

People have been really nasty about OPs daughter....and I'm almost speechless about the poster that thinks a 13 year old isn't a child, referencing the ones that have sex and babies!!

Hope OP comes back!

It was rude. However I suspect it was written in private. I'd be questioning how the GM knew about what was written.

Sounds like there are boundary issues with both GM and DD.

I still think there are 2 separate issues here -

1 DD was rude to MIL and should apologise. Writing nasty things in your notebook about family members isn't on.

2 The visits - your DD are probably old enough to choose if they don't want to go to PIL every week but then they are also old enough to understand that relationships are mutual. If this is a longstanding arrangement, I'm guessing PIL did lots of childcare for them when they were younger. So OP and her family sound pretty ungrateful on that score. And yeah, Marymary is right - if when you are 13 you are a bit too cool to see your GPs who love you, then maybe when you are 18 and off to uni your GPs might be a bit too busy to help you fund that, or to come to your wedding when you are 25, and so on.

At least, in my family relationships are mutual and if you decide you want to sack someone off, then you basically cannot expect to just turn the relationship on a few years down the line. A 13yo is a not tiny child and is totally old enough to understand that concept.

Gone, is that a sarcastic post

Thirteen is not an adult-neither is it a child. It is old enough to have consideration for others. Does your daughter say things like this to other kids.
I think someone of your MIL's age is likely to find the word fart equally as offensive as fanny etc.
Your expectations of your daughter are very low.

Your MIL crying is a strong reaction but the problem here is your daughter's behaviour.

gonegirl- "Heartbroken for the poor grandmother. She must be devastated"

Oh please!! Heartbroken. Spare us the drama.

Maybe if the granmother burst in while the 13 yo was having sex or told her grandmother to fuck off- but as bad things go being told that you smell of farts is not a huge deal. Not something to be "heartbroken" over.

It may even have been meant as a joke.

If OP doesn't come back I feel like I should keep an eye on the thread to stick up for her DD!

gone that crossed my mind after I posted- please tell me it was sarcasm.

Drudge I disagree that 13 is not a child, it's very much still a child IMO.

Some of the posts on here are way over the top and dramatic. The op hasn't even been back to fill out the story. We don't know the back story, if the 13 year old thought it would be seen as a joke, what preceded the note. Calling a child vile, immature and nasty and the grandmother heartbroken is frankly ridiculous. At most she has been rude and a bit silly. At 13 I think that's forgivable after an apology.

The 'overreaction' sounds to me like it was possibly caused by other instances. If DS really doesn't want to go she probably has made it quite clear to the gps in other ways too.
It seems mean and to be honest it would've upset my nan too, especially because she loves me so much.

Is your dd a young 13?

At 8 she would be rude and silly at 13 she is very bad mannered and immature.