MIL - I've really no idea why she was so upset about this?

[MyballsareSandy]

My 13 year old DDs go from school to the in laws every Wed, have dinner there and DH collects them. They don't particularly like doing this as they are old enough to go home alone, until me and DH get home from work, which we allow on other days. It's just basically to keep in touch with their grandparents, and usually the GPs love it (I think!).

Anyway, yesterday DH arrives at his parents to find his mum in floods of tears, and his dad having stern words with DD2. Apparently she was doodling in a notebook and wrote "Nan smells of fart" . Bit childish at 13, but really is it worth the drama that followed, I just don't get it.

DD doesn't want to go there anymore, she can't understand the reaction either and would much rather just go home after school, which I'm tempted to say yes to.

Given the dripfeed update, I would now say that I also think that your DDs should spend less time at their grandparents. I still think your DD2 should apologise for the comment as a standalone thing, but if her nan is continually putting her down and making her feel like a second-class granddaughter then that's not a healthy environment for either of your DDs to spend much time in.

I think they both need a good talking to, tbh - DD2 to realise that she can't just say/write things like that without repercussions; and your MIL because it's an awful thing to play favourites with grandchildren, especially if they're twins (which I'm assuming yours are as you've said they're both 13).

MIL may have created a storm in a teacup about this, and given what you've said about her, this seems likely; so she gets her penance as well by not seeing her granddaughters so often.

You've yet to say what your DH's take is on all of this - is he of the opinion that his mother is a complete drama llama as well, or not?

More than Marys strange post its that I flagged it and MN have not removed it, please report it!

Thumb we have a crisis in the UK, a dire and shameful crisis where children as young as 13 and even younger are being abused and manipulated into having sex and the authorities have done nothing.

MN even invited on a speaker to have a web chat about all this.

Leaving that post is giving out mixed messages.

APOLOGIES mnhq THANKS, the post has gone.

But on what grounds do you want it removed, Zevite? Are you thinking that paedophiles will find it and use it as validation for having sex with 13yos?

It is true that many are abused at that age, and younger; but it is also true that some start to become sexually active at that age through their own hormone-driven urges. I was at an all-girls' school and about 1/4 of the girls in my class were sexually active by the time they were 15, some starting as young as 13, although 14/15 was more normal.

Anyway, as Tumbles says, this is barely relevant to the thread as there is no question of it relating to the OP's DDs.

Bah, xpost. Took too long to type that lot out.

Did you actually see the notebook/doodle?

If your MIL is playing favourites, then this is probably yet another incident where she is showing her contempt for your DD2.

MIL's playing FIL and you all by extension like a violin. she has him terrified so this is why he had strong words.

If she dishes out nastiness, she should understand that she'll get it back.

This is what you get when you allow the Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic. Limit contact asap, for BOTH your DD sakes.

Get the DD to apologise, just because she is better than that, explain to her that it was a silly thing to do, given how MIL is with her, but make sure that you have an honest conversation with her about how MIL makes her feel.

I would then have a strong word with MIL abour the favouritism and put into place a system where your children are not in a toxic environment.

Your MIL did this, not your DD

Why can't it just be that MIL was having a day where she felt over-sensitive? For whatever reason.

... because she has form for treating one DD like crap and the other like a saint... and this is likely to be an escalation of the same?...

just a thought

I was guilty of leaving a similar message in a notebook when I was around the same age.

In my case I suspected my Mum had found my diary and was reading it, so I wrote something absolutely horrible about her in it and put my diary back in it's hiding place.

I was in. So. Much. Trouble once she'd read it.

She was extremely hurt by what I'd written, and I was very, very angry that my privacy had been invaded.

The fact that I'd only written what I had as a test for her and didn't mean it was deemed irrelevant. I found out then that as a minor I could have no expectation of privacy...

Well, we don't have the MIL's view on that, just the mother's. And she has studiously avoided any questions about what her husband thinks.

However, it's clear that the evil automaton view of MIL will prevail and people will be grateful for it.

Rachel-I read a rude text about Dh and me on ds's phone, he called us 'dumb asses'- instead of telling him off we've dropped that expression into loads of conversations in front of ds, childish I know but it's SO FUNNY Dh particularly likes to use it in the car to people who infuriate him. Ds is never quite sure why we've started saying it!

I feel sorry for ds having parents like us

Since most people think Op's daughter behaviour was unreasonable ,we have now have been given extenuating circumstances, that explain it all(but were not worthy of removing her from MIL's care) Maybe I'm cynical!

Apocalypse we never have booth sides though do we, that's a given. MILs are just people - I think the assumption people are criticised because they are MILs is a MN myth. This woman has been presented in her role as nan not mil, and reactions have been to her reported actions, especially in OPs last post.

Rachel no legal expectation perhaps, but a (limited) moral one. It is surely unethical to read a teen's hidden diary unless you are concerned about their safety or well being. Snooping for its own sake is not as right, just because it isn't a criminal offence! Your mother deserved to read I'll of herself unless she was reading because she was worried about you (in which case she probably wouldn't have blown her cover).

I don't agree, MrTumbles, I honestly believe that, when mothers in law are involved, there's an overall zero tolerance policy and a will to accept, or extend, the worst possible interpretation of every word and gesture to them. Look, for example, at the number of people saying that the mother in law being upset is clearly a cynical manipulation which is part of a concerted campaign to destroy the daughter's self esteem.

I do think that mothers in law are tolerated if, and for as long as, they are useful.

Apocalypse given that on an internet forum we will never have both sides/ multiple witnesses so we have to take the OP as honest (unless they blatantly contradict the self or say something that is very unlikely) or just not bother to engage:

Any adult in "floods of tears" over a 13 year old dfoodfling that they smell of fasrt is overreacting unless there are extenuating circumstances.

Any adult who nplays favourites between twins is irresponsible at best.

Any adult who comments in front of a 13 year old that she is odd and should be tested iseither sseverely lacking in social skills, irresponsible or unpleasant.

None of those things are specific to being somebody's husband's mother.

My personal experience of an asdult who cries in order to emotionally blackmail and manipulate is of my own mother btw, not my MIL, and she started doing it to me when I was 13 and continues now I am 40...

MILs are just people - I think the assumption people are criticised because they are MILs is a MN myth.

Totally agree with this. Accusations of MIL bashing crop up on virtually every thread where someone who happens to be a MIL features. I don't see what they add to the discussion, TBH. Every case is different, so are the individuals involved.

On this thread in particular a majority of posters have defended the MIL & said that they regard the GD's behaviour (&, earlier on at least, OP's attitude) as unacceptable.

OTOH I agree with Apocalypse that it's a very cynical, unsympathetic POV that automatically sees someone who is upset as being deliberately calculating & manipulative. They might be overreacting, but that's not the same thing at all - as CrispyFern said, people can just have days where they're oversensitive.

Crying every time you're challenged, though, or every time someone tries to discuss something difficult with you, does begin to sound a bit suspicious, & OP implies this has happened several times when she's tried to discuss nan's favouritism. It's in the light of that that many posters have changed their opinion, not because of a reversion to some let's attack MILs default.

I don't think anyone has suggested a concerted, or even a conscious, campaign. People who behave like this don't reflect on their behaviour or make clear sighted plans to be evil - they fall into a pattern of scapegoating somebody but believe, if they think about it at all,theory were picking at them "for their own good", or to protect themself or somebody else, or more likely that person just irritates them and they don't filter... Then if called out on their actions/ comments they believe they are Bering picked on and cry, because crying shows they are hurt and people will be sympathetic... Its not coldly calculated, its a habitual pattern, but it is damaging to those who live with it, and serves to manipulate everyone in their immediate circle/ family.

That's a good explanation, MrTumbles - thanks.

Yeah, I'd be a bit skeptical about MIL's ability to function and keep a level head if an emergency arose with those sorts of dramatics. If she is that upset over an immature doodle from a 13 year old child, she doesn't seem competent enough to look after the kids.

Really though, if you're reacting that terribly, you either have emotional dysfunction, or you're putting on a show for the sake of it.

That said, make DD apologize, but there's no point in putting a 3 year old trapped in an adult body in charge of your children.

well.maybe she does smell of fart and your dd's just being honest

time to cut down on the visits op, or better still, give them the choice

Any adult who comments in front of a 13 year old that she is odd and should be tested iseither sseverely lacking in social skills, irresponsible or unpleasant.

YY

Totally agree with this. Accusations of MIL bashing crop up on virtually every thread where someone who happens to be a MIL features. I don't see what they add to the discussion, TBH. Every case is different, so are the individuals involved

YY

Yeah, I'd be a bit skeptical about MIL's ability to function and keep a level head if an emergency arose with those sorts of dramatics. If she is that upset over an immature doodle from a 13 year old child, she doesn't seem competent enough to look after the kids.

YY. I cant but help be skeptical of people who cry at the drop of a hat.

I don't think anyone has suggested a concerted, or even a conscious, campaign. People who behave like this don't reflect on their behaviour or make clear sighted plans to be evil - they fall into a pattern of scapegoating somebody but believe, if they think about it at all,theory were picking at them "for their own good", or to protect themself or somebody else, or more likely that person just irritates them and they don't filter... Then if called out on their actions/ comments they believe they are Bering picked on and cry, because crying shows they are hurt and people will be sympathetic... Its not coldly calculated, its a habitual pattern, but it is damaging to those who live with it, and serves to manipulate everyone in their immediate circle/ family

This is 100% MY Mil, to the last y.