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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL - I've really no idea why she was so upset about this?

461 replies

MyballsareSandy · 13/11/2014 13:38

My 13 year old DDs go from school to the in laws every Wed, have dinner there and DH collects them. They don't particularly like doing this as they are old enough to go home alone, until me and DH get home from work, which we allow on other days. It's just basically to keep in touch with their grandparents, and usually the GPs love it (I think!).

Anyway, yesterday DH arrives at his parents to find his mum in floods of tears, and his dad having stern words with DD2. Apparently she was doodling in a notebook and wrote "Nan smells of fart" Hmm. Bit childish at 13, but really is it worth the drama that followed, I just don't get it.

DD doesn't want to go there anymore, she can't understand the reaction either and would much rather just go home after school, which I'm tempted to say yes to.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 14/11/2014 02:42

It's not the word fart fgs
This

kali110 · 14/11/2014 03:07

It's good you're getting her to apologise.
This clearly upset mil even if you or others feel it was a little thing. It must have hurt her to see something mean written about her by her own granddaughter.
I don't think you should stop the wed contacts either.
I used to go to my relatives every other sun for hours( and in the holidays sometimes), Till i were 18! When i was in my teens i sometimes hated it but i were told it was a nice thing to do,it was only a little thing to do, my relatives loved to see me and id miss it when they were gone.
My parents were right.
It's not much out of their week and not a lot to ask for when they've clearly done a lot for your dds.

musicalendorphins2 · 14/11/2014 03:44

MIL - I've really no idea why she was so upset about this?
It is because your daughter has hurt her feelings. She knows if the kid liked her, she wouldn't have written that.

KatieKaye · 14/11/2014 06:21

It's sad that OP has to "ask" her DD to apologise. I'd be telling her to apologise, not giving her a choice in the matter because no matter of you think fart is a term of endearment or not she upset her GM. It was a nasty thing to do.

For all those thinking GM over reacted, what if DD has seen a note written by a pal at school saying she smelt of fart and came home in tears? Would that be over reacting too?
DD comes across as insensitive and rude.

ChelsyHandy · 14/11/2014 06:24

Inappropriate and rude. I'd be worried about your dd going through life, coming out with inappropriate and rude stuff, with no idea she's making a bit of a fool of herself. It does reflect badly on her upbringing I'm afraid.

SurfsUp1 · 14/11/2014 07:09

Goodness me! Sounds like the GM is acting as much like a child as the child!
What a ridiculous overreaction. That sort of silliness deserves to be laughed off or just ignored not wailed about!

I can only assume there's something more going on with the GM - I assume she's past menopause? My DM behaved a bit like this when she was menopausal. Maybe it was just a bad day - we all have them.

DD should just apologise because her Nan is upset, but I certainly wouldn't make any sort of fuss about the incident itself.

Original poster
MyballsareSandy · 14/11/2014 07:39

Katikekay, I'm interested to know if you have teens, I suspect not as I had your little rosie view of how older kids 'should' behave when mine were tiny.

"Telling her to apologise, not giving her a choice in the matter", how would you actually achieve that if a teen was uncooperative?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyballsareSandy · 14/11/2014 07:40

Thanks Surfsup, reading some of these posts makes me wonder if DD is heading for borstal Grin

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 14/11/2014 07:47

""Telling her to apologise, not giving her a choice in the matter", how would you actually achieve that if a teen was uncooperative?"

Yep. I have teens. I have control over a lot of things my teens want- that's how I would achieve it.

KatieKaye · 14/11/2014 07:48

She is 19, Sandy so you are wrong!

And if rude like the expletive and refusing to apologise, well in the first place talk about her behaviour and the impact on others and hopefully get her to see how nasty she's been. If no result from that then the usual sanctions for unacceptable behaviour ie reduction of privileges.
How would you feel about the reverse witha note about DD in school saying she was smelly that upset her?

jellyandbeans · 14/11/2014 07:51

That is really awful. If I were a Nan and my grandchild wrote that about me, I would be totally mortified and not find it funny at all. You should tell her off, explain why it was wrong and why it upset your MIL, get her to say sorry too. Its just rude behaviour and should not be tolerated at all!

Mehitabel6 · 14/11/2014 07:56

I think it shows that they don't have a particularly good relationship. I imagine that is why MIL is upset.

Mehitabel6 · 14/11/2014 07:57

I would be upset if my child were so unfeeling to a grandparent.

londonrach · 14/11/2014 08:03

As others had said gm is upset (the ins and outs of the word being rude etc doesnt matter) so for that reason dd needs to apologise. op is getting her dd to apologies for upsetting her gm. Maybe a quiet word op to dd about touching gm private bits like the notebook. Move on. :-)

SetPhasersTaeMalkie · 14/11/2014 08:03

Having read the responses OP, do you have more of an idea why MIL is so upset?

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 14/11/2014 08:14

There is an amusing over use of the word "mortified" on this thread... Hmm

13, of course, is neither an adult nor a child, hence the term "teenager" ... All the absolutist pproclamations that 13 is/ isn't a child probably miss the mark. Anyone who has known a wide range of teens will know "nan smells of farts" written in her notebook is not worth all the extreme reactions some posters have been indulging in - and really not worth mortification.

Those arguing that it isn't about the word itself may be partly right - but if dd had written "nan is a fucking cunt who stinks of shit" it would surely have been actually worthy of the word "mortified" - and 13 year old could easily have made that word choice !

The fact she doodled it rather than said it is very relevant - did nan snoop?

SurfsUp1 · 14/11/2014 08:26

MyballsareSandy kids that age do little things like that without any reason or thought - it's just silly, not cruel or malicious. That's why teens make such bad drivers etc they act without thinking because their brains aren't fully developed.

I can remember upsetting someone (an adult) unwittingly and their (over)reaction felt like an attack to me. That age gap gives so much power to the adult involved, so when the adult overreacts it feels like they are using an emotional display to shame you. It feels aggressive. I'm amazed how clearly I remember that incident. My Mum made me apologise, and while I was sorry I had upset her, I didn't feel like apologising at all because I felt she had used her overreaction against me.

Maybe that's just an immature way to perceive the situation (we are immature in our teens), but I can clearly recall the feelings involved and so I can sympathise with your daughter.

hoobypickypicky · 14/11/2014 08:40

Sandy, my children would be in a whole lot of trouble if they upset their grandmother like that. Your daughter was hugely rude and disrespectful and I'd be punishing and expecting her to apologise if she were mine.

Tell me this - is part of your defence of your daughter the fact that your father-in-law had "stern words" with her rather than leaving any admonishment to you?

hoobypickypicky · 14/11/2014 08:41

"kids that age do little things like that without any reason or thought - it's just silly, not cruel or malicious."

Hmm

She's thirteen, not five!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 14/11/2014 08:45

When I was about 10 yo I said something to my GM that was rude. But I didn't actually know it was rude. I didnt understand what the phrase meant. I just used it because I had heard it.
She didn't speak to me for months? Years?

MrTumble "nan is a fucking cunt and stinks of shit"
Good post. Also agree with surfsup

Hakluyt · 14/11/2014 08:51

It's rally sad that people have such low expectations of their teenagers. No wonder many live down to the expectations.

Jux · 14/11/2014 08:52

Vilely rude, and extraordinarily childish. She should make a huge and genuine apology, and spend time and effort showing how sorry she is - digging the garden or something - as well as sternly admonished by you and dh, and punished.

If dd had done that at 13 I would very embarrassed and ashamed of her, not trying to minimise it and pretend it's just something 13 yos do. It isn't.

sashh · 14/11/2014 08:59

I'm genuinely shocked though at how awful some of you think this misdemeanour is!!

It's not the words it is the reaction she has provoked. Having never met you or your family I cannot say for definite but the impression I am getting is that your dd did something deliberately, that she knew wold be really upsetting for the person she did it to.

I may be totally 'off' on that but I think that is why people are reacting the way they are.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 14/11/2014 09:00

Minimising is when something huge is downplayed, often to cover up abuse or an entrenched disfunctionality.

Getting things in perspective is pointing out that "nan smells of farts" doodled where nan wasn't meant to see is childish and thoughtless, but not more.

Exaggeration is saying that "Nash smells of farts" doodled where nan wasn't meant to see is "vile" or "mortifying".

Over reacting is the poster who feels tyhenan should react to the doodle by telling her grandchild to fuck off... Hmm

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 14/11/2014 09:03

*nan not Nash... No idea where that autocorrect came from!