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Original poster

MIL - I've really no idea why she was so upset about this?

461 replies

MyballsareSandy · 13/11/2014 13:38

My 13 year old DDs go from school to the in laws every Wed, have dinner there and DH collects them. They don't particularly like doing this as they are old enough to go home alone, until me and DH get home from work, which we allow on other days. It's just basically to keep in touch with their grandparents, and usually the GPs love it (I think!).

Anyway, yesterday DH arrives at his parents to find his mum in floods of tears, and his dad having stern words with DD2. Apparently she was doodling in a notebook and wrote "Nan smells of fart" Hmm. Bit childish at 13, but really is it worth the drama that followed, I just don't get it.

DD doesn't want to go there anymore, she can't understand the reaction either and would much rather just go home after school, which I'm tempted to say yes to.

OP posts:
SaucyJackOLantern · 13/11/2014 19:45

"So what do you say when you accidentally... Well...fart?"

I eat a vegan diet. Mine don't need announcing Grin

Gruntfuttock · 13/11/2014 19:47

I think it was understandable that the grandmother was very upset, because she realised her relationship with her granddaughter wasn't what she thought it was. I think it's unfair that several posters have said that the grandmother is obviously "hard work". There is no indication that she is anything other than very hurt.

RaisingMen · 13/11/2014 19:49

Your daughter is incredibly rude, and is showing a nasty streak. She needs to apologise.

CariadsDarling · 13/11/2014 19:55

Mellow we don't have sex. My real name is Mary and all of my 5 children have been conceived by Immaculate Conception.

MommyBird · 13/11/2014 19:57

What an odd thing to doodle.
Did she doodle it in a her own notebook? Or was it her diary and she was filling it in?

Just seems like an odd thing to randomly write. Your name, flowers, the lad you have a crush on but "Nan smells of fart?" Hmm

CheerfulYank · 13/11/2014 20:08

Rude and a thirteen year old should know better.

No, she probably doesn't want to go. But will a few hours once a week kill her?

We used to have to go for long hours to my great grandmother's every few Sundays. Long, loooooong hours. I didn't like it. She didn't have any toys beyond some pens, playing cards, and a family of porcelain kittens I wasn't allowed to touch.

But my parents said "she won't be around forever, her Sunday dinners make her happy, and you can bring your bike." So that's what we did. It didn't kill me and it made a lonely old woman happy. Not a bad lesson to learn at age five.

CariadsDarling · 13/11/2014 20:09

I can recall being really glad when my father punished me for not wanting to see his parents by making me sit in the car for hours on a Sunday. :D

cees · 13/11/2014 20:10

Mil massively over reacting.

Kids doodle all sorts of crap, there is no reason to most of it, it just fills up pages and usually doesn't hurt anyone.

Is Mil usually so highly strung?

Original poster
MyballsareSandy · 13/11/2014 20:12

Wow!!! Big response, thanks. Haven't had time to read it all but I will do. Having skimmed it though, can I just clarify a few points.

MIL is not a sweet little grey haired granny, shocked by swear worded and toilet humour. She is happy enough to indulge in it herself when it suits and I've heard her use the F word on many occasions, usually directed at FIL. My DDs have grown up knowing that she sometimes has a laugh about toilet humour, so why it was received so badly on this occasion I've no idea. And no she doesn't wear a colostomy bag or have any incontinence issues! Surely I would understand her being upset if that was the case!! And so would DD.

DD isn't generally a rude child, although she has her moments like most kids. She is a bit immature for her age and def lacks empathy at times, but is basically a good kid. MIL has always had a more difficult relationship with her than her sister, because she is more headstrong and less of a 'pleaser' for want of a better phrase.

I have noted that some posters have said that despite us all thinking its a mountain out of a mole hill, MIL has bee upset by this and I will speak to DD and ask her to ring her nan and apologise .

The reason I encourage DDs to stick to this We'd eve arrangement is that the in laws looked after them three days a week from the age of 10 months, when I returned to work. For which both DH and I are very grateful and frequently told the so, treating them to holidays etc. they have had a a lot of involvement in their childhood and I know they miss that contact, usually! Perhaps not yesterday though Grin. I don't think it's much to ask of the DDs to do this once a week. Weekends are full of their sport and other stuff so they would rarely see them otherwise.

I'm genuinely shocked though at how awful some of you think this misdemeanour is!!

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 13/11/2014 20:15

I think it sounds like you've got a good handle on it, OP. Especially if she uses the word herself.

TinyTear · 13/11/2014 20:17

OP now that you are back, how did the gran see the doodle?

ApocalypseThen · 13/11/2014 20:18

MIL has bee upset by this and I will speak to DD and ask her to ring her nan and apologise

I'm astonished that you haven't done this already. Regardless of what you think of the magnitude of the offense, surely the fact that she hurt someone should have been enough reason to apologise?

Original poster
MyballsareSandy · 13/11/2014 20:22

No idea how MIL saw the doodle, I've hardly seen the DDs. I was out at a work do last night, heard about all this when I got home late, and DDs were asleep. Usual rushing about this morning for everyone, brief words with DD this morning and now I am home and they are at guides. Will speak to DD a bit later.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 13/11/2014 20:24

It's not the worst misdemeanour ever op, but your daughter should apologise, as you have said she will.

If your mil is not usually sensitive and has a slightly bawdy sense of humour, it might be worth probing why she was so upset by this, rather than just being a bit annoyed?

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 13/11/2014 20:25

If she was doodling in a private notebook, and it was left lying around, I really don't think it was such a terrible thing. My children (slightly younger) write diaries and doodle a lot just before bed and may well write down politically incorrect or hurtful things- if it was done to hurt her nan that's different but have you never doodled 'boring, boring, boring' in a meeting and then found your boss looking over your shoulder, or been reading the Sidebar of Shame when someone walks in.

That said, she should say sorry now as her gran is upset.

I do think the once a week duty visit may need revisiting though, I remember around the age I could be left alone for a few hours, I was allowed to opt out sometimes of the weekly visit to my grandparents, mostly I went and enjoyed it but a little flexibility wouldn't go amiss. I think if they are both saying they don't want to go and it is no longer a treat, then I'm not sure why you are persisting. Less often but more genuinely enjoyable interaction may be the way to go. Why not talk with both of them (grandparents and children) and see what would suit?

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 13/11/2014 20:27

I'm astonished that you haven't done this already.

Take a deep deep breath dear and have a stiff drink Wink

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 13/11/2014 20:29

My guess would be that one dd wrote it to entertain the other, being silly. This is the kind of thing my dd's would do (11/10) and think it very funny without thinking through that it could be read by the person it was about.

If your dd genuinely wrote it for your gran to see then that's a whole different ball game.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 13/11/2014 20:33

If your dd genuinely wrote it for your gran to see then that's a whole different ball game.

yes it would be interesting to know what provoked it.

Bedsheets4knickers · 13/11/2014 20:39

My guess it was a silly doodle , she prob didn't think more into it that that . At 13 it probably fits in with what most do and say. Grandma over reacted when she could of handled it differently which wouldn't make the nxt meeting as awkward as I guess it will be x

fluffyraggies · 13/11/2014 20:56

I'm wondering if your DHs ''floods of tears'' description of his mothers reaction was a bit of an exaggeration?

I've got 3 DDs who are older than OPs daughter and IMO it could have been a lot worse. 'Farts' is hardly pushing the boat out insult wise. I imagine it was just a joke between the 2 girls.

I asked DD3 (16) what would promote a 13 year old her to write something like that and she says her GM had probably annoyed her about something but was never meant to actually see the scribblings.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/11/2014 21:03

Oh ok, so why was she in floods of tears I don't know, strange. Good on you for your dd apologising, I would really scale down the visits if your dd does not like them. mabey she woukd enjoy tge visits more if she saw them a bit less, it has to be beneficial to both.

AlexD72 · 13/11/2014 21:41

She's headstrong. Grandma who swears herself is crying. Grandad is having a word.
That changes things. Did the Grandma over react to get the kid into trouble?
It seems a bit over the top if she isn't adverse to the f word.
I know it's personal but grow up Grandma she's 13.

TaraKnowles · 14/11/2014 01:14

Does your dd have an issue with Grandma? Does she not like going there?

She should say sorry for upsetting her.

What would you have her do?

ChippingInAutumnLover · 14/11/2014 01:51

It's not the word fart fgs.

It's the fact that her Grandaughter would write something mean about her. I am astounded that some of you can't see that. It is a hateful thing to do and if she was mine I'd be mortified, angry & upset to think she would write something nasty about someone who loves her so much.

mimishimmi · 14/11/2014 02:23

It was really rude of your daughter but it sounds like a 'last straw' type thing for your MiL. Perhaps your DD has been generally rude lately, as thirteen year old girls so often are (have one at the moment) and that was the thing that really capped it all off. I do think you should give both your in-laws and the girls a break, and have them head home after school, especially if the in-laws have been providing this sort of care for years.