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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by the lack of support for my hobby from DH?

359 replies

brandis · 09/11/2014 21:28

I am in my 30s and a few years ago took up dancing. We don't get paid but we shoot videos and stage shows in professional theatres with people paying to come and watch us dance. Not to mention that it is incredibly rewarding as dancing has been my long-time ambition and I worked hard to get into that dance group as it's selective. We all are about the same age there.

The problem is my DH doesn't take my hobby seriously at all. He is not happy when we have weekend rehearsals as it means that he has to ferry two DC to different activities. He never asks how I am doing in my classes and never takes pictures when he comes to my shows. When I come out into the foye after the show his words are "Can we go home yet"? It is painful to see my fellow dancers being hugged by their DPs with "You looked so amazing" and "What a great show!"

I guess DH just doesn't believe it's anything special and cannot fake excitement for me when he doesn't feel it. Am I really expecting too much? He makes a bigger deal out of our DD's dancing achievements.

OP posts:
MrsJossNaylor · 10/11/2014 22:39

Thing is OP, it is a bit odd to want the same kind of encouragement your DCs get. They're children - I think everyone would agree that to encourage children in their pursuits, whether those pursuits are particularly interesting or not, is a good thing to do.

But to treat a grown adult the same way, and give them a pat on the head for doing their hobbies? I don't get it.

I would much rather my DH were honest with me rather than pretend to enjoy something, lest I take the hump.

momnipotent · 10/11/2014 22:40

Your kids are 13-ish, or at least one is, so they don't need prompting from Dad to wish you luck, they should be capable of that themselves. If they're not doing it, then they are probably not aware of what is happening or how important it is to you and if that's the case, it is up to you to share your excitement with them, not your DH.

GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 10/11/2014 22:42

My do is into fishing, and I do find it hard to feign enthusiasm when he shows me pics of his prize carp if I am honest...

Original poster
brandis · 10/11/2014 22:42

TripTrap, what's ridiculous is to suggest that only kids should be given appreciation and the adults cannot expect it within their families.

Yes, I do talk to DC. DD is interested as she is a dancer herself, she is a big fan of my dance director, watches my videos and tries to copy my routines. DS was the one who wished me luck on the day of the show.

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minipie · 10/11/2014 22:43

Ok, if he stays an extra day or two to do sightseeing then clearly that is equal child free time, and I'd class that as a hobby too (for those who think everyone must have a hobby Confused).

What made me say you seemed demanding of praise/interest was the fact that you expected him to ask how your rehearsals were going and said "aren't you going to ask me", when he was clearly having a difficult time getting DCs to their activities. I'm imagining that situation reversed: let's say my DH was out with mates practising for a cycle race, I'm looking after DCs, something goes a bit wrong and I call him to have a moan. If his response was "aren't you going to ask me how my cycling is going" it would seem a bit self centred to me.

Littleturkish · 10/11/2014 22:46

He sounds like really hard work.

What does he say when you confront him on his lack of interest?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 10/11/2014 22:53

Brandis do you take everything like that? Seriously, you sound like hard work.

As I said, you need to stop comparing yourself to your children it is ridiculous and, quite frankly, horrible.

Right, so your child wished you luck and you still have a problem with it because he wasn't told to by his dad? Hmm

Original poster
brandis · 10/11/2014 23:03

minipie, I didn't expect DH to ask how I was doing during a regular rehearsal. Maybe it wasn't clear in my message. In that instance it was the day of the show when I had been in the theatre since 7 am, getting ready to take the stage, in make up and nervous to no end. Have you ever done something like that yourself? I'd say my deal was more significant at that moment than DS being late for football training which he goes to every week. I know I would have put DH first in a reverse situation.

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Original poster
brandis · 10/11/2014 23:05

TripTrap, I have a problem with my DH not offering his support when I needed it. Is that ridiculous too?

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MollyHooper · 10/11/2014 23:07

Tbh TripTrap, it starting to sound like you are determined not to like the OP.

She isn't comparing herself to her children like that, she is pointing out that her DH has no problem encouraging others, just not her.

Horrible, really?

Original poster
brandis · 10/11/2014 23:13

Littleturkish: What does he say when you confront him on his lack of interest?

He says that he stays with the children, it's difficult and they need my help with homework or something. Or he changes the topic.

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MargaretoftheSavoy · 10/11/2014 23:14

I also think there are some really weird replies on these threads.

I don't understand why some people think it's OK to be less polite to your spouse than you would be to a colleague or even a total stranger. If my fiance has finished a piece of work or given a talk or made/cooked something I always at least say well done or give a positive comment. Isn't that just good manners, even if you're not particularly interested in the thing itself? Luckily we don't have polar opposite interest and hobbies anyway, I guess. Habitually putting your partner down, even if it's supposed to be 'a joke' can be really destructive.

Silverdaisy · 10/11/2014 23:17

Yanbu to want your partner to wish you luck and ask interested questions - be it a hobby or work. This is how normal friendship works.

You both sound you are on different pages. I agree with those who say your posts sound self centred. But perhaps this is because you feel alone, and in a way backed into a corner? It is almost that his lack of comment makes you mention it more, which seems to make him resist more.

minipie · 10/11/2014 23:26

Ok, fair enough, day of the show I think it's fair to want a "how's it going".

still though - "offering his support when I needed it" is a bit OTT - it's a dance rehearsal not a crisis! I'd say you "wanted his interest/best wishes" rather than "needed his support".

minipie · 10/11/2014 23:27

It is almost that his lack of comment makes you mention it more, which seems to make him resist more.

yes, I agree with this.

Original poster
brandis · 10/11/2014 23:28

Come to think of it, DH is really not big on praising me, full stop. We have both done quite well career-wise but when someone, who hasn't been in touch for a while, asks me how my DH is doing I am proud to tell them that he's done that and doing this. When DH is asked about me, he just says "She is fine".

He does commend me on housework (I know I mentioned it). And on my looks. Not so much on my work achievements.

This thread has been most enlightening.

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Jux · 10/11/2014 23:31

So is he generally supportive, just not about the dance? Does he expect you to be supportive and interested in everything he does and show no interest in anything you do, or is it just the dancing he's not interested in?

In other words, is he just a self-absorbed twat?

Mrsstarlord · 10/11/2014 23:33

Just because you've found the strike out option doesn't mean you can use it to say cuntish things like that when you actually had a half decent point. Let yourself down there, for what? To get a snidey little dig in?

Actually it's the tone of the OP posts which give me the impression that it's self indulgent, the 'it's all about me' nature of it. I have loads of friends and relatives who sing / dance / act / perform both in public and as part of other work but have never felt that they are demanding attention or being self indulgent. You call it cuntish - fair enough that's your view and perhaps it is but I stand by the sentiment because it's my view based on what I have read.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/11/2014 23:41

He's not supportive. I'm not remotely surprised the OP feels insecure - this is a man who doesn't consider her a person at all. He only values her as a domestic appliance with a pleasing appearance, and he is actively resentful of the fact that she devotes a perfectly reasonable amount of time to doing something for her own benefit (which is, actually, something that everyone needs to do.)

Original poster
brandis · 10/11/2014 23:44

Silverdaisy, I don't really mention it anymore. I remember my first ever show, when I flew to the foyer to see him feeling totally overwhelmed, he was with DC (who were very excited) and made a sulky face saying that he had a headache and wanted to go home. Not a word about me. It felt like an ice bucket over my head.

He acted in a similar way after my second show, so I stopped bringing it up and just did my thing on my own. Then the third show came and, as I said, partners of all my fellow dancers were full of encouragement and it didn't look forced, only very sweet. I also got lots of lovely texts from friends and colleagues. DH was the only one who remained indifferent - hence this thread.

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BiscuitMillionaire · 10/11/2014 23:51

He's jealous of you being successful and getting attention. He would rather you stayed at home and got on with the housework. Nice, eh?

Fiftyplusmum · 10/11/2014 23:55

I think:

  1. he is jealous you are dancing without him especially as dancing is a physical and possibly sensual / sexual activity
  2. he actually finds looking after the children difficult

Has he been like this about any other of your hobbies in the past?
Have you asked him to explain what it is about dancing that he doesn't like?

Fiftyplusmum · 10/11/2014 23:57

also
3) he may think it isn't a maternal thing to be doing

2rebecca · 11/11/2014 00:12

My husband and I both have hobbies. Sometimes we come to each other's events, sometimes we don't because we'd rather do something else. My hobby is for me, if my husband isn't interested I'd rather he left me to get on with it and did something he is interested in.
He obviously finds your hobby boring so I'd stop trying to persuade him to come and watch and accept it's your interest not his.
That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He just doesn't love your hobby.
An adult shouldn't need the same amount of fussing over and praise that a child does for doing something they enjoy.
You're sounding a bit me me me here, why can't your husband choose what he does with his time the way you do with yours. He takes kids to their activities if you're busy he shouldn't have to come and fuss over your activities as well. Let him do his own thing, even if that thing is not doing very much. I presume you knew he had no hobbies when you married him..

Original poster
brandis · 11/11/2014 00:25

Fiftyplusmum, interesting.

  1. There are only girls in our class and our dance director is openly gay.
  2. I am finding it difficult too but for the past 13 years we've been coping.
  3. That's a very good point, I think that might be it.
OP posts: