To be offended by the lack of support for my hobby from DH?

[brandis]

I am in my 30s and a few years ago took up dancing. We don't get paid but we shoot videos and stage shows in professional theatres with people paying to come and watch us dance. Not to mention that it is incredibly rewarding as dancing has been my long-time ambition and I worked hard to get into that dance group as it's selective. We all are about the same age there.

The problem is my DH doesn't take my hobby seriously at all. He is not happy when we have weekend rehearsals as it means that he has to ferry two DC to different activities. He never asks how I am doing in my classes and never takes pictures when he comes to my shows. When I come out into the foye after the show his words are "Can we go home yet"? It is painful to see my fellow dancers being hugged by their DPs with "You looked so amazing" and "What a great show!"

I guess DH just doesn't believe it's anything special and cannot fake excitement for me when he doesn't feel it. Am I really expecting too much? He makes a bigger deal out of our DD's dancing achievements.

It's not unreasonable to expect him to look after the DCs so you can do your hobby - with two caveats 1) as long as he gets equivalent child free time to do whatever he wants to do and 2) as long as there is still enough family time left over once you've both had your child free time. Not clear whether 1) or 2) are true here. Sounds like 1) probably isn't.

Minipie, if you can't read the thread, at least read the OP's posts. She's made it clear that she wants her DH to have a hobby but he hasn't, and that in fact he regularly travels abroad for a week at a time when he doesn't need to. So clearly he gets equivalent child free time and more.

She has also spelt out that she is out two evenings a week around the children's bedtime, and on three occasions in 13 years she has also had to take time at the weekends for long rehearsals and, presumably, the performances themselves. I don't know about you, but that reads to me as if she leaves plenty of time outside that for the family.

So neither 1) nor 2) is true, so I take it you accept that OP INBU?

She also hasn't said that she expects him to be enthusiastic about watching; however, she would like more than "Can we go home now" and that perhaps he could acknowledge that, even if he doesn't enjoy the performance, she looks good. I can't see what's unreasonable about wanting the person you're married, and who promised to love and honour you, to do at least that much.

"Sure, but you can't force people to buy tickets at £20 a throw, and to come back to subsequent shows. So that does have some bearing on the issue"

Hmmm, I don't know. I have friends in their 30s who do am-dram. They book out the local theatre for a week, a few times a year, and inexplicably fill it at £20 a pop.

That doesn't mean that what they do is good, or that I should like it. But lots of people will pay good money for what I would (quietly) consider to be indulgent bollocks, because they enjoy it.

If my DH got involved I would be polite but nothing more. I wouldn't lie and say he looked "hot" or any of the other crap that's been spouted on this thread because, tbh, I would find it dull and a bit embarrassing. I wouldn't tell him that, but I wouldn't feign excitement either.

But then that's the relationship we have. We're very honest with each other.

And I think the fact that, OP, you're upset by him being supportive of your DC but not you speaks volumes. As an adult, surely you should be able to do something you enjoy without seeking approval from someone who should be your equal?

"I guess DH just doesn't believe it's anything special"...

Sorry to be blunt, but it's not "special", is it? Its a hobby you enjoy. Just enjoy it and stop seeking his approval, because it sounds like your disappointment is putting a dampened on something that should be a bit of fun.

I'm baffled by the number of supposed grown ups who need praise and acknowledgement for their hobbies and interests. I do AmDram and it's for me.

Some really unpleasant comments on here, what on earth is wrong with folk. Smacks of wanting to take OP down a peg or two because she dares to have a good opinion of herself.

Brandis yanbu, and bloody good on you. I bet you're a great dancer, and I'm sorry your DH can't be more supportive. It's totally understandable you would feel hurt by his lack of enthusiasm.

Thanks so much everyone for your posts and feedback.

On the subject of a venue hire: our dance director said that he had approached the theatre in question many times before but only now, having seen our previous shows and videos, did they agree to let us use the stage. It is a professional theatre that picks and chooses their performers.

There are about 12 dancers and we couldn't possibly fill the whole theatre with friends and family. Still we sell out.

It is not fair to compare us to children's shows. If children look clumsy they are still adorable. If adult dancers look awkward on stage it is embarrassing to watch. Which is why we spend a year to prepare one show and our director is a complete nazi in terms of demanding absolute perfection in technique and performance.

I do not disappear all day on weekends. It is 1 or 2 evening classes a week. For the last show, we had about 6 weekend rehearsals of 3 hours each plus one fitting. That's it for the whole year. I appreciate that some dance companies require lots of time commitment but ours does not.

I don't demand that DH takes interest in dance - it's good enough of him to enable me to do it. And he has no problem complimenting me on my looks although I am surprised it got mentioned so often, it's really not about that.
It's about being a good dancer and when my dance director says that I do well I know he so telling the truth - so DH should be able to see it too. And his support would mean so much to me.

When last time I was at the theatre preparing for the evening show he phoned to complain that he was running late with DS's football practice. I listened while waiting for him to ask, how I was doing - the show time was approaching, we were all feeling nervous and excited. He didn't so I said "do you want to ask me how the things are here?" To which he replied "I am taking care of the children, do you want to ask how I am doing".

Maybe it is indeed too much to expect but when he is away for work I always ask how his presentation went, what the people are like at his conference, how he settled in the hotel, is the conference interesting. And he is keen to share and tell me everything. I think he would be offended if I showed no interest.

Gosh, some cold attitudes on this thread.

I could get up on stage and preform farmyard sounds in the form of farts and DH would think it was special.

It takes a lot of guts to do any sort of show in front of a theatre full of people.

X post.

He sounds like a grumpy fucker, Brandis.

"I could get up on stage and preform farmyard sounds in the form of farts and DH would think it was special."

Well, I - for one - would love to see this and would pay good money for it too!

He sounds like a miserable, resentful so and so.

Since a few people have bought it up, no, there's no reason why you would expect random other people to be interested in a hobby that's important to you. But it's normal to expect a certain level of support from someone who is supposed to love and care for you - not needy or weird.

I'll start practising then. :o

I'm with crashDive on this. I play music. I do it for me. I don't expect DH to come to the twice yearly shows we do. He does enjoy the music, and sometimes offers words of encouragement when I'm practicing at home.

I am also a huge dance fan. I love DD2s dance shows. (I probably would love your shows too). However, DH finds them excruciating. He has gone to a few, finds them waaay too long and boring, and now finds excuses not to go. Unless she has a really special solo, I think his days of attending dance shows are over.

Just do it for the love of it. If it isn't his thing, he is doing well to go to the show at all. Set your expectations accordingly and you won't feel as disappointed.

I understand how you feel op, but YAB a bit U I think.

I have a time consuming & expensive hobby. It's incredibly important to me and I have achieved things I never thought I would have. DP doesn't tell me how amazing I am at it and sometimes comes out with me when I ride, but he shows his support by looking after dd at the weekends. It'll be even harder when I am (hopefully!) competing next year so I take what I can!

Maybe your dp would like the chance to have a hobby but doesn't feel he can? I would sit down & have a chat with him to see if there's any way to compromise.

I think YANBU, but I would invite a supportive friend to the show and not your DH. I like to go to the opera and classical music but only invite DH if I am sure he'll enjoy it, as I got thoroughly sick of him spoiling it for me with fidgeting and general lack of enthusiasm. You can't make people enjoy dance/opera/football/whatever.

Participating or spectating, one person's passion is sometimes another's yawn-fest.

I'd be disappointed too if my DH never gave any spontaneous verbal support for a long cherished ambition. I think after work you probably embrace dancing as something completely different and it keeps you fit and healthy. Going to practices after the DCs are in bed doesn't seem neglectful or selfish.

But at least your DH has dealt with the childcare and so far hasn't suggested he'll stop doing so?

You did say you'd be happy for him to have a hobby and were agreeable about him playing basketball back in the day. Maybe now you could ask if there's something he'd like to devote time to, in the interest of balance.

Yanbu OP, your DH sounds like a miserable, resentful drag. Why not congratulate you on your show? Even if n o t to his taste, he can still appreciate that you have worked hard and hear the applause.

Why not ask how you are feeling before your show? My guess is that he resents you having an interest outside your home.

How is he otherwise with childcare and household chores, does he pull his weight?

When last time I was at the theatre preparing for the evening show he phoned to complain that he was running late with DS's football practice. I listened while waiting for him to ask, how I was doing - the show time was approaching, we were all feeling nervous and excited. He didn't so I said "do you want to ask me how the things are here?" To which he replied "I am taking care of the children, do you want to ask how I am doing".

I think thats the crux of it - he's pissed off with being left to look after the kids while you do your thing. You're pissed off because he isn't as excited about your dancing as you are. You're both getting into a 'who is being treated worse' scenario which is leading to neither of you trying to understand each other.

Whether you want him to do hobbies or not, he isn't. He is looking after the kids while you ponce about self indulgently in front of people do your dancing and leave him to it, I can understand his point of view tbh.

Icimoi I did read those posts. To me, the fact that she would like him to have a hobby and the fact that he travels for work when he "doesn't need to" (not sure what this means - it is work not fun, and I expect it contributes to his career even if in theory he could say no) does not equate to him having equal child free time.

I agree he could be a bit less curmudgeonly when he comes to a show, as I said, it would have been nice, but I also think the OP seems very demanding of praise/interest and her DH might be justifiably a bit fed up.

Ponce about self indulgently in front of people?

Just because you've found the strike out option doesn't mean you can use it to say cuntish things like that when you actually had a half decent point. Let yourself down there, for what? To get a snidey little dig in?

milkpudding, DH is very hands-on otherwise, we work similar hours and share childcare equally, always have been. That's why his indifference puzzles me - we do have a great relationship but when it comes to dancing I am suddenly on my own.

minipie, travelling for work when he doesn't need to means that he found a conference somewhere in continental Europe which sounds interesting and he wants to go. Yes, it may benefit his work although he is not really the type to network. And he always goes one day earlier and stays on the weekend after to see the town and do some travelling. While I am at home minding the children.

Just to be clear, I always encourage him to go because I know that he loves it and because I believe that it is great to be able to do things apart from family and work. Even though it is tough for me on my own but I know I'll cope somehow.

FWIW, when I was once offered an opportunity to travel for 10 days for work (i.e. earning quite a good money) he kept going on about how difficult it will be for him to take care of the kids and "he will have to think about it". Honestly, at that point I thought I shouldn't agree so easily when he wants to go away next time. I did go on my trip and he managed just fine.

Is there an approved list of acceptable, non-selfindulgent hobbies?

I think we should be told.

I think this H is a sexist bellend. He has actually said that the OP should stop dancing and do more housework. He gets to take week-long trips away which involve plenty of leisure time as well as work, but that's OK because he has a penis and is therefore the Person in the family. So I think he is passive-aggressively trying to make the OP feel insecure and miserable about her dancing so she will give it up and Know Her Place as a household appliance with no interests of her own.

When you have a hobby it's nice for the other person to share in the fulfilment and happiness, it's an achievement to have people pay to see a performance, she just wants her hubby to recognise this and show a bit of enthusiasm and admiration...

but I also think the OP seems very demanding of praise/interest and her DH might be justifiably a bit fed up.

Really? On the day on my last show DH didn't give a single mention to the fact that "kids, mum is going to be performing tonight, let's wish her luck" or something - the same kind of encouragement he gives to DS before a football match or DD before her ballet exam. Like nothing is happening. A regular Sunday, only mum is off to do something for which she has only been working for 12 months. I pack my costumes to go to the theatre, he points out his displeasure at having to drop me off, then does it and drives off without as much as "good luck tonight". And it's not because he is mad or something, he just doesn't care a single bit about this. Like I've gone to Tesco.

Exceptionally demanding, I see.

Brandis Please stop comparing yourself and the way your husband treats things to your kids, it is ridiculous!

BTW do you ever talk to the kids about your shows yourself? About nerves or asking them to wish you luck?