To be offended by the lack of support for my hobby from DH?

[brandis]

I am in my 30s and a few years ago took up dancing. We don't get paid but we shoot videos and stage shows in professional theatres with people paying to come and watch us dance. Not to mention that it is incredibly rewarding as dancing has been my long-time ambition and I worked hard to get into that dance group as it's selective. We all are about the same age there.

The problem is my DH doesn't take my hobby seriously at all. He is not happy when we have weekend rehearsals as it means that he has to ferry two DC to different activities. He never asks how I am doing in my classes and never takes pictures when he comes to my shows. When I come out into the foye after the show his words are "Can we go home yet"? It is painful to see my fellow dancers being hugged by their DPs with "You looked so amazing" and "What a great show!"

I guess DH just doesn't believe it's anything special and cannot fake excitement for me when he doesn't feel it. Am I really expecting too much? He makes a bigger deal out of our DD's dancing achievements.

What an unpleasant comment curlyweasel.

What on earth is it with the constant sneering that the OP is somehow some utter sight?

There's also the issue of the husband seemingly having no problems expressing his negativity, so I'm sure if OP was that dreadful, he would have told her.

He's mean and ungenerous.

He should be pleased for you and proud of you.

When my DH took up a time and money consuming hobby, I was a bit ungracious...unsupportive.

I would sit there with a book whilst he did his thing, or not even show up and support him at all (or mainly just ferrying the kids to their parties/sport stuff).

His hobby was a bit unpredictable, sometimes a whole Saturday, then a Sunday, sometimes 2 days, then a weekend nothing.

He said I could always take up a hobby to fit in with those free days.

Yeah, well, it still sucked being on my own with the kids all the time and not having time as a family.

I did not want a weekend hobby of my own, I wanted us to all spend time together.

Maybe your DH feels like that too.

My STBXH used to be a dj and still likes to "make music" in his spare time. He's obsessed by it, thnks he's brilliant at it, it's fucking awful "thud thud" type dance music and I couldn't for the life of me summon up any enthusiasm or interest in it and there's no way I would go to a club if he was dj'ing there. Really, I found it quite cringy. At least your husband watches you, but you can't blame him if he's really not into it.

If I'd said "Dh has got himself a hobby which involves him going out 2 evenings a week, and a couple of away weekends with it, and three or four all day (weekend) events in the weeks leading up to the away weekends" I'm sure they'd be a long stream of people saying "tell him to pull his weight".

But, fairly obviously, you wouldn't get those responses if you'd also said that DH was doing as much as OP is doing in terms of child care, housework, supporting the children etc, and that you liked disappearing off abroad regularly for a week at a time on non-essential trips leaving him in sole charge.

So have you actually said anything to him about how his lack of interest makes you feel? What does he say about it?

I've re-read my post and stand by it. It wasn't meant to be unpleasant.

Maybe she didn't dance very well and maybe she didn't look hot. Maybe her dancing was just okay and maybe she only looked nice.

IIAC I don't think her OH is being particularly supportive, but to expect him to say nice things just because it's something she loves doing is a bit much.

In my opinion.

So - SINBU to expect support (which she's getting), but SIBU to expect to be praised (if not deserved).

God - I think I've turned MN mean

But WhereAmI going - I've not interpreted that the OP's dh is resentful of her having her hobby. The issue seems to be that she wants him to enjoy watching her do her hobby. That's a step up and beyond.

My dh took up cycling for health reasons. He was overweight and bored. He then got really into it. He goes on long bickered most weekends, less now winter is approaching. He might be out for 5 hours on a Saturday and or Sunday. He cycled over the alps in the summer. I sometimes have to drive him, e.g. when they cycled over the alps the meeting point was an hour drive away, so 2 x 2 hour round trips for me. I have to listen to him going on about it, suffer through his endless photos, watch his progress on Strava etc etc.

On the one hand, I am pleased he has found a hobby he loves, and I'm also very happy and relieved he's fitter and much healthier. And am pleased he's found a way of letting off steam from his stressful office job.

But I am sometimes resentful of the time his hobby takes, even the fact he manages to carve this time out for himself etc

So in OP dh shoes, maybe he is also resentful of the time and priority she gives to the dancing, but still accepts/goes along with it. In that way he is being supportive. Anything else is demanding. Maybe he is bored rigid by it. I think you just need to accept that tbh.

This is my interpretation of her DH behaviour. I wasn't referring to any other poster's comment.

He might not enjoy watching the dance but if he is able to say 'well done' to his dd then he is able to say it to his DW.
If he isn't, then I'm assuming he expressing his resentment.
And tbf my DH has hobbies that I'm not interested in but it still doesn't stop me from asking how things went or saying 'wow that was great!'

Nor would I ever just say 'ok shall we go now? Within a couple if mins because that that's just RUDE.

Bit late to this thread but I'm with the YABUs sorry.

It's not unreasonable to expect him to look after the DCs so you can do your hobby - with two caveats 1) as long as he gets equivalent child free time to do whatever he wants to do and 2) as long as there is still enough family time left over once you've both had your child free time. Not clear whether 1) or 2) are true here. Sounds like 1) probably isn't.

It is unreasonable to expect him to be enthusiastic about coming to watch you. I wouldn't enjoy watching my DH if he was in a sports match or equivalent - I find watching sports mostly cold and boring - and he wouldn't expect me to, and he certainly wouldn't expect me to feign enthusiasm. Given that he did come along to watch, yes it would have been nice if he'd praised you, but on the other hand it sounds like you kind of twisted his arm into going so don't be surprised he was moody...

Have you told him how you feel? That it makes you feel sad and why it does?

The other thing is that the OP isn't talking about her being away every weekend of the year for a day or so to do her hobby. She us talking about 3 performances a year and a few weekends before hand so what 5 days a year?
How much us get DH going away for pleasure each year? The OP is talking about being a week at a time...
So it's ok fir him to go away for a week (or more) in the year and the OP has to do all the childcare etc. but it's ok for her DH to be annoyed because she is busy fir 5 days or so in the year BUT is still home to cook, do the laundry, put the dcs in bed etc. what he had to do us look after them for the day on his own.
Why is that I'm guessing he us never doing that otherwise so that's why he is resentful?

As fir posters who think it's ok to post sneaky comments because she us dancing and obviously she can't be that good . Maybe you should start by stopping being so jealous.

He doesn't have any hobbies, literally.

That's your problem OP. You have married a dull man with no interests other than work. This would be ok if you were the same but you seem to have quite a balanced life between work, family and hobbies. Most psychologists agree that hobbies (as long as not done obsessively) are extremely good for you, but to listen to some mumsnetters, you would think your life ends in servitude to the family the moment you give birth.

It doesn't. This goes to the character of your husband - does he have the capability to be interested in anything outwith his usual mindset or not? I would have very little time for a husband who wasn't interested in me enjoying myself and keeping fit. I would expect him to come and watch me a few times a year, but not every week. Theres often a social side of hobbies which non-playing partners can enjoy too. I'm sure you are not all dancing round the dinner table if you have a Christmas meal or something!

Mind you, I did once have an ex who took up tango, not my idea of how a boyfriend should behave, so he was dumped! DH has done cycling and marathon running, the latter was preferable as the training is much less time consuming and he was always injured and not able to train anyway! I have a different hobby, which DH appreciates. He knows he would get dumped if he didn't!

Or tu again 1) is true as he is going away abroad for a week fir his own own pleasure as well as for work.

Beside if the DH doesn't have any hobbies, what us the OP suppose to do? But have any either? She hasn't stopped him from having one and her own hobby doesn't prevent him to do so either.

I think that was directed at me yes, Where? Well, I don't think I was making sneaky comments. I think I was quite clear in what I was trying to say. I do tap. I'm average at best. We did a show and I was neither great, nor hot and I didn't/wouldn't expect my DP to say I was just as a demonstration of support.

Actually there are lots of comments about how the OP is probably boring and not that good. So many that she felt she had to defend herself by showing how she can't be that bad.
So no my comments wasn't directed towards you as such. Just at people in general who think their first reaction should be that the OP can't possibly that good anyway because well very few people are do why should she and not them

I think people see the word amateur and think 'Not very good'.

Actually it just means unpaid. Some of the best shows I have been to were amateur performances.

It's very likely that Brandis is very good at dancing.

I agree with IPityThePontipines and am depressed at the lack of support you are getting on this thread too.

Tbf, anyone can hire a professional theatre for a night and put on a show. You can put on a show at the Albert Hall if you want. It has no bearing on how professional the show is.

I sang in pro/am choirs all my life. I have sung in professional concert halls all over Europe, at many respected festivals etc. My parents generally didn't come to support me, even when I was only 10 or 11, unless they particularly wanted to hear a piece of music we were performing - not even if I had a solo!

You have to do these things because you love them, and get self-affirmation from them. If the reason you're doing it is to get others' approval then your problems started somewhere else.

Nydj I agree with IPityThePontipines and am depressed at the lack of support you are getting on this thread too.

Although she shouldn't be too downhearted because most people who would support her will be out doing hobbies. I've noticed a high number of posters on mumsnet who just do not seem to have hobbies or interests at all, whereas in real life, most people I know have at least one, but don't post a lot on internet forums. Posting a lot on internet forums is a pretty specialised interest in itself.

Jux I got the impression that the OP wasn't looking for support or affirmation from her DH to enable her to do her hobby, but the normal sharing of time and interests that you get in healthy relationships. So while dance may not be that interesting to you personally, if you are into your partner enough, it automatically becomes interesting, to some extent at least. At least enough to watch occasionally and ask about.

It is very easy to just say something supportive, it would take your DH seconds to make you feel better. Why can't he just do it? What does it matter whether you are good or not, or looked 'hot' or not? Usually, children are supported in hobbies and complimented all the time, no matter what their performance was like. I don't see why family and friends can't do the same for adults. Or, do you turn 16 and suddenly everyone sneers and says 'ha, only kidding...you were rubbish at that!'?

Maybe he is embarrased. I know my OH would be.

My DDs dance school puts on a show every year and while everyone loves watching the 400 children perform I can sense the audience cringing when the adult salsa group perform their slot.

I watch people start shuffling and suddenly become very interested in their programmes.

Sorry.

Jux the lack of praise and support from your parents as a child has obviously had an effect on you. Why else would you be so bitter? I'm sorry your parents didn't make an effort to see you perform, that must have been shit.

It's human nature to seek approval and enjoy praise.

Tbf, anyone can hire a professional theatre for a night and put on a show. You can put on a show at the Albert Hall if you want. It has no bearing on how professional the show is.

Sure, but you can't force people to buy tickets at £20 a throw, and to come back to subsequent shows. So that does have some bearing on the issue.