To be offended by the lack of support for my hobby from DH?

[brandis]

I am in my 30s and a few years ago took up dancing. We don't get paid but we shoot videos and stage shows in professional theatres with people paying to come and watch us dance. Not to mention that it is incredibly rewarding as dancing has been my long-time ambition and I worked hard to get into that dance group as it's selective. We all are about the same age there.

The problem is my DH doesn't take my hobby seriously at all. He is not happy when we have weekend rehearsals as it means that he has to ferry two DC to different activities. He never asks how I am doing in my classes and never takes pictures when he comes to my shows. When I come out into the foye after the show his words are "Can we go home yet"? It is painful to see my fellow dancers being hugged by their DPs with "You looked so amazing" and "What a great show!"

I guess DH just doesn't believe it's anything special and cannot fake excitement for me when he doesn't feel it. Am I really expecting too much? He makes a bigger deal out of our DD's dancing achievements.

My 13-year-old goes to bed at 10.

If your husband is actively discouraging you from doing your hobby, then he is being unreasonable. But, it sounds like he comes to your shows, but isn't very enthusiastic. If that's the case, I don't think he's being unreasonable. It's your hobby, not his, and if he doesn't enjoy it, he doesn't enjoy it. Why does he have to pretend he does? As far as your daughter's dancing goes, well, she's a child, so that's a bit different.

I think you guys are giving OP hard time. I would be cheesed off if my dh was resentful of my hobbies - full stop. No need to psychoanalyse her!

brandis

Was on my way to bed but wanted to apologise for the thing remark, on reflection and having it pointed out to me, it is a well known remark/phrase and I was wrong to presume the worst. smill I did misinterpret Mollys post as well.

I don't think you are wrong for having your hobby and fair play to you for having the figure to do it in your thirties, I didn't.

The weirdness is in its importance to gain you some sort of recognition, pride, etc from your husband.
As a performer you will know that these are the emotions you aim to gain from your audience from their applause, this is why we do it.

Maybe he is doing the best he can and this type of thing doesn't come naturally to him, we are all different.
However, reading between the lines I think you need to talk about division of labour as you both work ft. It may be fair, but seem to get the impression you don't see it that way.

In terms of your children, yes they need you too, that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a hobby but its another responsibility.
Does your dh do homework with dc, preparation for the following day.
He will need to do if you are out 2 nights a week.

Have you told him how you feel? Honestly I'd be fucking cross if my partner didn't acknowledge the hard work of putting on a show. He has a hobby and I go and watch it, I congratulate him and take an interest. I'm proud of him, like I'm proud of his work. That sort of the point of being a couple isn't it? sharing the joys and lows, giving a shit about how the other person feels. Oh and for what it's worth my parents would come and see me in a show and they see my brother in gigs too.

Hmm. Wondering what sort of dance isn't suitable for 13 year olds. Is it something like burlesque? In which case, could it be that he is embarrassed or ashamed? My DH would be mortified if I did something like that.

From what you have said, the classes aren't actually "after bedtime"? Not that it matters, but from your earlier posts, it sounded like dc were much younger and would be asleep by the time you went out.

Yanbu op.

My dp is the most taciturn, miserable bastard ever but even he shows up to my amateur dance performances and events, claps in all the right places and whispers well done and tries to arrange his face into what he thinks is a smile.

He dare not do anything but. I've put up with ten years of darts, county comps, trips away and pub team nights every week. I still go with him when I can and my heart sings for him when he wins.

Surely you support each others hobbies for the most part. We still row about darts lol, I threw his darts out of our dining room window once closely followed by the dartboard once after he dropped a last minute county comp trip away.

Steffs, my son would love to go to bed at 10 pm but if he stays up that late he finds it very hard to wake up in the morning.

DH doesn't need to pretend and I can live with him not being into commercial dance but honestly, even if he said something like "you know me, that's not my kind of thing - but you danced very well and looked hot" - it would mean a lot. And both statements would be true because our dance director would never let anyone perform under the name of his company if they didn't fit these criteria. :)

Shapes, DD is younger and she goes to sleep at 8.30. So by the time I leave they both are getting to ready to get to bed, teeth brushed, uniform put out - something what they have long been doing by themselves so my presence is not crucial.

Not burlesque but the last show was with some heavy messages about life and death so deemed not for kids.

Fair enough, just wondered

Black, your post made me smile!

Oh my goodness OP. I could have written your post !! . We did a flamenco show to a huge packed out theater (stalls and dress circle) yesterday. It's actually my daughter's flamenco school but I started doing some 'mum's classes' with the school although I've been dancing with another group for about six years. We got loud claps and cheers when we finished our dance and the others waiting in the wings gave us huge grins and thumbs up. When I asked my DH how it was he said "It was good"....pressed for a bit more "You're a very confident dancer". Argh! He wasn't unsupportive but he was just flat and it really dampened my excitement afterwards. That said, he has never been interested in dance and effusive about it.

Is it an affirmation of looking good that you need? Just that you've mentioned it twice. Maybe your interest in dance is also a way of reassuring yourself you've still "got it" and are upset your husband doesn't respond accordingly? And maybe he's not a big fan of you looking "hot" in front of loads of people. Maybe he'd prefer you to take up crochet..

Needsometimes, I don't need an affirmation in anything. Really. Mirror tells me how I look, my dance teacher tells me whether I am doing well in classes or not. All I need from my husband is not to be indifferent to something which is important to me. Dance is not about "still having it" at all. For me it's about expressing myself and being somebody apart from mother and wife. And I simply love it and have always wanted to do but got married and had kids very young so never had a chance before.

I agree though, I think DH would prefer crochet!

Mimi, indeed, very similar! But at least you got "very confident" from your DH! :) congratulations on the show, flamenco is so beautiful, I would love to be able to do it!

Sorry, Needsomeideas, autocorrect got in the way with your nickname!

*I think that marriage is about delighting in your partners joy when they fulfill their dreams.

Watching your other half be happy and fulfilled is the goal.

Less than that, it's not worth having.

Watching people you love happy is fantastic.*

Exactly! I'm amazed at how many women here have such low expectations of their husbands/partners. I don't share all my dh's interests/hobbies, but I love him and therefore give him my full support and I would expect the same from him. Sullen, unappreciative attendance would not count as support IMO.

What peculiar replies, a strange blend of mummy martyrdom puritanism and desperately wanting to sneer at someone in their thirties, dancing in public.

Two issues here OP.

1)Time spent on hobby. Yours does not seem unreasonable and for all the veiled and not so veiled jibes about dancing on here, hobbies generally are frivolous activities - that's the point of a hobby. If your DH has a problem with the time spent on your hobby, then he can raise the issue with you like a grown up, rather than any passive-aggressive nonsense.

2)His reaction to your performances.

It seems clear to me, that you mentioned your daughter, not because you are jealous, as some posters rather unpleasantly stated, but to indicate that the mere act of watching dancing doesn't turn your husband into a dour, taciturn, misery and that he is capable of being complimentary about a dance performance.

Expecting your husband, aka the man who loves you most, to give you a hug and a well done, isn't asking for the moon on a stick.

YANBU OP and I think there are other issues here.

Oh Brandis, same here. I used to do flamenco as a teenager as well. My dad plays classical Spanish guitar and would often play flamenco just for fun so I was interested in it because of that. Went to uni, got married and had kids young too. I loved it but got the message from 'life' in general that dance is not a worthwhile pursuit unless you're going to be a top-notch ballerina or something and even then you're finished up by your thirties. Started up again after a major bout of PND with my second.

I can sort of understand my DH's lack of enthusiasm in some respects. I had a bit of an issue where my other dance teacher was asking me (and my daughter) to do shows she was getting paid for but we weren't (office parties, weddings, restaurants etc). She did not always dance at these herself. My DH thought this was totally exploitative. I don't mind doing festivals or a major show but stopped doing these private functions because did end up feeling she was taking advantage. I don't think DH felt this about the show yesterday because it's quite above board that this is an annual thing for the school and such a huge amount of work goes into it.

Totally agree Ipity. I used to sing in big choral productions, and my dh always came, and always was very enthusiastic, and of course it made a difference to me! It wasn't really his sort of music but he appreciated all the work that went into the performance, and always told me that we sounded amazing (he wouldn't have been able to pick me out as it was a big choir).

Likewise now when I do Taekwondo he has been very encouraging and comes to the tests twice a year (ds and I do it together) and is obviously full of pride.

brandis how long are you out in the evening when you go to your classes? Do you think he misses you when you go out perhaps? My dh used to go weight training several times a week and I felt a bit lonely those nights (wouldn't be an issue now as I'd have my children for company)

I think if your dh is being a real downer regarding your show I'd ask him not to come at all. Sounds like a real joy sucker.

I think you've had a hard time here. It sounds to me as though your husband quite enjoys having a wife who looks good and keeps a nice house but isn't interested in supporting you on any level emotionally and contributes very little to family life.

It sounds like your DH isn't just unsupportive but quite rude about your hobby, which I don't think is fair, but equally I don't think you can force someone to be interested in something.

DH's hobbies are football & cricket, my passions are art & the theatre. Neither of us are keen on each others interests.

I usually ask how his team has done and he'll tolerate the odd detour to a gallery if we're on holiday (I'll go in, he'll find something else to do) but I'm well aware he thinks my interest is somewhat pretentious , and I think the culture surrounding football is abhorrent - we just let each other get on with it tbh.

This thread is very bizarre!

Anyway, neither DP or I have hobbies that are really spectator sports - DP is obsessed with video games and I'm passionate about reading and things like documentaries. Occasionally I'll play a game with him or he'll watch a show with me, but that's really the extent of it.

If he did something like football, I certainly would not go out and spend time watching him play - I'd run him a bath after or feed him or something, but I wouldn't be spending two hours of my weekend standing in the corner of a muddy field for his hobby! You have two DC that he watches twice a week (or more) when you go and do your hobby, and I think that shows support. He could easily book his own hobby/class to do on those nights and leave you to organise a sitter or something last minute.

Do you get enough "couples time"? I'm just wondering if he sees your hobby as something that takes away from your time together as adults.

I wonder if the issue here is that both of you are feeling a bit put upon and underappreciated. I have two suggestions:

One is that you make a conscious effort to make nice, supportive and appreciative comments to your husband for a few weeks and see whether that changes how he responds to you. Minor things like commenting on how nice a meal is that he's cooked for you, that sort of thing. Basically, I wonder if you've drifted as a couple into not being especially demonstrative and you changing your side of that might help him change his side.

The other is that you carve out more time for yourselves as a couple. How much time do the two of you spend focussing on each other? When was the last time that you spent a couple of hours talking to each other with no distractions or interruptions? Get a babysitter and go out to dinner.

Wow, there's some strange (to me) responses on this thread.

OP - YANBU. Your DH sounds miserable. I'd be very hurt if my husband acted like that. It doesn't matter if it's a hobby, or a job or an academic success, it's about supporting your partner.

DH cheers me on at my events and I cheer him on at his. It's totally normal in my family. My SIL is an actress and we all go along to her performances because we're proud of her and want to support her by being there.

And your comment about your DH being more enthusiastic about you cleaning the house? He sounds like a tool, sorry.

My DH was like this....I do pole fitness and he hated it and was actually quite embarrassed by it. He hated it even more when I started teaching it, resented the fact it took me out the house 2 nights a week and that god forbid on one night he had to do his own dinner.

I left him!

The first thing he did when I left was take down my pole. Twat!