To be offended by the lack of support for my hobby from DH?

[brandis]

I am in my 30s and a few years ago took up dancing. We don't get paid but we shoot videos and stage shows in professional theatres with people paying to come and watch us dance. Not to mention that it is incredibly rewarding as dancing has been my long-time ambition and I worked hard to get into that dance group as it's selective. We all are about the same age there.

The problem is my DH doesn't take my hobby seriously at all. He is not happy when we have weekend rehearsals as it means that he has to ferry two DC to different activities. He never asks how I am doing in my classes and never takes pictures when he comes to my shows. When I come out into the foye after the show his words are "Can we go home yet"? It is painful to see my fellow dancers being hugged by their DPs with "You looked so amazing" and "What a great show!"

I guess DH just doesn't believe it's anything special and cannot fake excitement for me when he doesn't feel it. Am I really expecting too much? He makes a bigger deal out of our DD's dancing achievements.

Also, he sounds like a knob!

This thread got me thinking and not good thoughts.

After my last show on the next day I felt like I had caught a flu not to mention was still exhausted. And it was my DS's birthday. And after all the Lemsip I fell asleep in the armchair and was drowsy while they were cutting the cake and blowing the candles. Later I realised that DH didn't take any pictures of DS and I was half-asleep so didn't think of it either. Felt incredibly guilty afterwards. Hope the poor thing still had a good day.

Maybe you could suggest he gets a hobby of photography, he doesn't like taking pictures.

Hope the poor thing still had a good day

So your son is a thing, you fell asleep because your hobby had made you ill, you missed your son blowing out candles, and you hope, not know if he had a good day?

Sometimes I think being on Mnet is like being in a parallel universe.

How can you possibly not know if your own child had a good birthday?.

Also, what the heck has your hubby not taking photos got to do with it? Is it a sudden expectation because you fell asleep during your sons party? (nothing in the world would make me do that btw)

I'm a single parent, I don't always get the photos of my son that some other parents may. Do you know why? Because I'm playing with him, serving and interacting and that is worth a damn sight more than standing there taking photos!

Op, I find you very odd.

Yes, her son is a thing.

That's exactly what she meant.

Totally.

I'm with the majority on this thread.
I enjoy singing. It's my hobby. In life, dh would rather do a million and one things than sit listening to a choir. Therefore, he doesn't come and I wouldn't expect him to come. That's fine - means we never needed a babysitter when I've been singing as dh could be at home with dc. Means he's happy not having to sit through something he'd hate, and I'm happy because I'm doing something I enjoy.
My dh also has hobbies that I could join or do a bit of if I wanted, but it's something that I don't want to do, and that's fine with him, and fine with me too.

Completely different when it is your dc. I've sat through numerous events that have been almost painfully boring (chess competitions anyone?) - but, as a parent, you encourage your dc in their interests. As an adult, however, I'm perfectly capable of enjoying my hobby (which, like you has a performance element to it) without needing someone there to specifically watch me.

I think you are being very selfish and out for yourself OP, as well as coming across as very weird.
Maybe you haven't meant for this to happen but it seems like the importance of this hobby is too great considering you work ft and have children and a husband.
I'm not suggesting you shouldn't have a hobby at all, but the importance you attach to it comes before your family at times, which can't be right.
Up thread I suggested you stepped back and took a look, an honest look at what are your priorities.
You seem to expect too much of others in terms of your hobby and that isn't healthy.
Yes, its nice if you can share your hobby with your oh, but you shouldn't expect it.

theposterformallyknownas

"oh you poor thing" is a totally normal and recognised term of phrase that the OP was referencing. Are you familiar with terms of phrase or do you only use absolutely literal wording in every circumstance?

Come on!

My husband and I both have hobbies and support one another, if I was in some kind of show my husband would come along and cheer enthusiastically so I do think that you are not being unreasonable on that point.

However if I had no time for a hobby and my husband was out at least twice a week for a hobby I would start to feel resentful.

Your later posts are a bit odd.

I apologise if offended anyone, may be a language barrier here with the 'poor thing' remark.

It wasn't a party, it was a family dinner in front of TV with pizzas at 7 pm (the way DS wanted), his party is on another day. I didn't exactly mean to get ill. And earlier that day I had already done the presents and speeches in the morning, then went out to get the candles, then drove him to his away football match and watched him play for an hour, with splitting headache. Then I ordered pizzas and set the table with the children while DH was upstairs (catching up on his sleep, FWiW). DS is 13 so no, I wasn't playing with him and while we waited he was happy to get a free reign iPad for the sake of his birthday.

I think I would like to close the birthday subject as the thread is not about it.

surf

I'm not the only one who thought this, yes I am familiar with the term, but it seemed like she was calling her son a thing.
Either way, the OPs expectancies don't seem normal and her priorities even more so.

Theposter, in what way am I coming across as weird? I would genuinely want to know.

Then why on earth did you bring it up if it is in no way related?

Op, your expectations are bizarre and child like. You even seem to find it unbelievable that your parents may not come if they were still here. Sorry, but it is NORMAL. Do you think parents go and watch their 30 something 'kids' play in bands at pubs? Go to watch all their amateur football matches? Watch all their choir performances? Etc etc? Because they don't.

Why do you expect everyone to want to come and watch and throw themselves around you telling you how 'amazing' you are? Why do you then suddenly throw in that you fell asleep on your sons birthday and big old mean hubby didn't take photos for you???

Do you have some issues stemming from childhood or adult life where you feel you need to be seen as special and the best at something because you don't feel you are, or something? Honest question? Do you feel like you haven't done as much as you could?

This thread is batshit.

The op clearly was not literally calling her child a thing.

If your children are around 13 then going out 8-9pm two nights a week is fine. So is having odd Sunday sessions in the run up to a performance.
People who work shifts will have much more disruptive patterns than this.

Expecting your husband to be supportive is normal.

Lots of mummy martyrs here!

If I had a H or a partner living with me who would be moaning that he takes his own kids to activities during weekends because I have some other commitments occasionally I would be very angry with him.

Have you discussed that with him at all?

Leave out him watching your performances and being disinterested.

This is your thing, you have right to have time off to exercise, read a bokk or dance - to me he sounds like a person with a chip on his shoulder. In order to move on you need to get to the bottom of it. For your own sake!

theposter, I don't see who else had trouble interpreting 'the poor thing'. Unless you completely misinterpreted Molly's post as well.

TripTrap, I brought it up because if I didn't have the show on the previous day then maybe I wouldn't have got ill and maybe the end of my son's birthday wouldn't pass in a blur. A mother's guilt I guess, of not doing enough. Probably those guilty feelings were reawakened up by the posts here claiming that I may be sacrificing quality family time for the sake of doing something just for me.

Anyway, moving on.

Do 13 year olds really go to bed by 8pm?

OP, do your kids go to watch your performances as well? How do they react?

There is nothing wrong with doing stuff for you - not at all - but is it possible that DH would like more time spent as a family?

No 13 year olds don't go to bed by 8pm! But then your child being 13 doesn't preclude you from 'playing' with them either...

Brandis there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing something for yourself,nothing at all. People have just offered various explanations as to why your husband isn't overwhelmingly interested.

The important thing though, in my mind, is why validation is so important to you and why you expect and would expect everyone to come and watch you? There must be some reason for it and I would suggest working on whatever that is.

For what it's worth, while seeing pride in your loved ones eyes is a beautiful thing (and your hubby can show that in other ways, things that make him more proud than your dancing -like being proud of you being a brilliant mum or whatever, which is far more important btw), there is nothing more genuine than the appreciation from a stranger. First rule in knowing whether you are good at something or not is to ask somebody who is NOT a friend or family member as they will just tell you what you want to hear (ever watched X Factor?)

Validate yourself by enjoying yourself and the reactions of others. If what you do doesn't make you feel good itself then perhaps it isn't really for you?

TripTrap, I have no idea what other parents are like (some came to see my fellow dancers though) but my mother would have come. I don't expect everyone to come and watch and "throw" themselves around - but yes, I do expect a "you did good Hun" from my own husband of 14 years. No need to dig deep into childhood to try to validate this desire, in my opinion.

Have you ever considered that your husband is just happy for you to have your own thing? Your own personal passion, activity and a little bit of life just for you?

You're moaning about your husband being negative but you sound jealous and resentful about your childrens hobbies.

Shapes, the last performance was not meant for children's audience so my DC didn't attend. They came to the previous ones and seemed to enjoy them a lot.

Re bedtime, we try to get DS to bed by 8.30-9 because he usually reads before going to sleep.