Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

To be green with envy at women whose partners cook

226 replies

CinnamonBuns · 09/11/2014 17:25

Not a TAAT but just read the veggie Christmas thread about the husband who cooks a three course meal from scratch

My partner has never even made me
a sandwich in 5 years :(

So pissed off at having to cook every fucking meal. If I say, no you're cooking tonight, he'll order a takeaway which I don't really like.

I didn't think it was a big deal when we were dating that he didn't cook but 5 years down the line I'm sick of it.

WAAAH!

OP posts:

MrsTerrorPratchett · 09/11/2014 17:38

DH doesn't cook much but will if asked or I'm not around. He does do all the cleaning up though. Does yours?

Annarose2014 · 09/11/2014 17:38

The best thing I ever did was marry a man who'd left home at 18 and fended for himself for years.

However most of my male relatives went from their mothers houses (at 32) to their fiances houses. I feel kinda sorry for their wives, tbh. It must be like moving in with a randy 12 year old.

Original poster

CinnamonBuns · 09/11/2014 17:39

I have to make myself soup while ill and have a toddler full time.

I suppose I'm the sort who just gets on with it and seems happy to do things but inside I'm so worn down and tired but can't say it.

I'm a people pleaser and hate it

OP posts:

slightlyglitterstained · 09/11/2014 17:39

Can he cook at all? Sounds weird that he won't even make a sandwich. Toast?

Is it cluelessness, or does he genuinely think it's not his "job" to get food into his belly, mummy should do it?

Mintyy · 09/11/2014 17:39

"I didn't think it was a big deal when we were dating"

Yes, it should be taught in schools too.

I have been feeling really down in the dumps today reading about women in relationships with men who will not share the domestic stuff. I am 52 and my parents were married in the 1950s when it was expected that women would do all the cooking and cleaning, but somehow, despite that being broadly the model in my family, that never rubbed off on me. My brother, 57, is gay and therefore has never had a woman to take care of his house. He does it all or shares with his partner when he is here. He also has an extremely long-hours job involving travelling all over the world. His house is immaculate and he does all his own laundry! Imagine!!

I just find it utterly depressing that in the generation below me these outdated ideas and patterns of work/domestic responsibility are still so very prevalent! Depressing and unbelievable, really .

TalkinPeace · 09/11/2014 17:40

OP
Its really simple : have a look at the weight loss threads and choose the strangest diet you can think of and adopt it for a few weeks

fix every meal and put it in front of him, but make it "odd"

if he really is such an ungrateful git that he'll order takeaway rather than eat the meal in front of him I'd change the locks :-)

Vivacia · 09/11/2014 17:40

I can't believe he hasn't even so much as made you a sandwich in 5 years, no wonder you are fed up. Surely you have been poorly in that time?

Yeah, or late in, or busy doing something or... I just can't picture it.

Original poster

CinnamonBuns · 09/11/2014 17:42

However most of my male relatives went from their mothers houses (at 32) to their fiances houses. I feel kinda sorry for their wives, tbh. It must be like moving in with a randy 12 year old.

Yup, except not randy. His mum spoilt him. I'd open his drawers and everything would be folded perfectly.

I don't do any of his laundry, I draw the line.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/11/2014 17:42

You haven't actualy said if he pulls his weight around the house/childcare in other ways but I am getting the feeling not

Put up or shut up, love. I suggest you sort this now, or it will kill your relationship stone dead.

Vivacia · 09/11/2014 17:42

No games. Just say, "This isn't fair. It makes me feel X, Y and Z. From now on I'd like you to plan and cook meals on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays".

That's it.

littlemslazybones · 09/11/2014 17:43

It's possible for anyone to just get on with it but food is one of those things we do to look after the people around us when they need picking up.

Vivacia · 09/11/2014 17:43

I don't do any of his laundry, I draw the line.

What? He washes his own clothes but doesn't throw in anything of yours or your child? You could put him in charge of laundry and you do all of the cooking then.

HermanSkank · 09/11/2014 17:44

Oh, OP. You do sound blue. Cooking is just such a powerful way of showing you care for someone. Not even cooking you a nice bowl of soup when you are ill is proper rotten of him.

What would happen if you tried to tell him how you felt? Would he listen and respond calmly? Or would he get all huffy?

1981 · 09/11/2014 17:44

Wait, OP already has children?

OP, is this the message you want to be sending to them, framing expectations/norms for their future relationships? To either sons or daughts?

Do you want your son(s) to be so helpless, and treat their partners as lesser beings?

Do you want your daughter(s) to think this sort of balance is acceptable?

Would your teenage self approve of the last 5 years?

What are you going to do to change it? (I suspect just "not cooking for him" will need a LOT of guts - be prepared for kick backs from him). What support can you call on? Is there anyone to help your force this change through or be a sympathetic ear in case your will wavers?

BackforGood · 09/11/2014 17:45

Another agreeing with what Herman said.

MN wasn't invented when dh and I were dating, but you hardly need MN to tell you that the whole point of dating / going out / 'courting' if you like is to get to know the person. If, during that time, they've never cooked, then surely no-one would expect them to after that time (particularly as you mention 5 years)? That might be fine if you are a weird person who loves cooking every day and they happen to love washing up, or some other chore that you hate, but when that's not the scenario, then it needs to be challenged in the early stages.

kiritekanawa · 09/11/2014 17:47

Cinnamonbuns, you sound like you need a hug, and a cake all to yourself.

I met DH pre-Mumsnet, but got on Mumsnet relatively soon after I moved in with him. The first few years involved me doing f**ing everything and resenting it. Then I decided that things were going to change. I asked him to do things, he did them happily enough once I'd shown him how enough times.

Once that was all working ok, I started asking him to organize stuff himself, and explained that I wanted to be in an equal relationship, and having one person who had to do all the thinking and organizing, wasn't an equal relationship at all. It's still slightly a work in progress, but he's actually really got off his backside and (mostly) learn to pull his own weight.

So there is hope. You sound tired, and your DH may not be quite as pliable as mine, but if you discuss it, and ask him to do it, and then show him how to do stuff, he may well start doing things a bit more.

MiddletonPink · 09/11/2014 17:49

What's he like generally?

Does he do his fair share of cleaning, childcare, gardening, pets ( if applicable ) etc.

My DH doesn't really do cooking. He can follow a recipe and make something pretty edible though if pushed.

But he does all the DIY, gardening, supports ds with one of his hobbies which takes up a lot if time, will clean the house regularly, does the bins.

Whilst running a business and working long hours.

Does he muck in OP? If not you need to talk to him. Spell it out you're not happy and you're not going to put up with it.

Original poster

CinnamonBuns · 09/11/2014 17:49

Talkin

OP posts:

BigPawsBrown · 09/11/2014 17:50

I haven't cooked a single meal in over two years

Disneylandkilledmychildhood · 09/11/2014 17:50

My DH cooks and is very good at it and is a bit of a self proclaimed food expert. It's great- except when I'm trying to cook one of my dishes (I also like to cook) and he's hanging over my shoulder telling me how he would do it and what he would add etc. It really grips my shit.

LadyLuck10 · 09/11/2014 17:52

Op many, many people have made good choices in partners without having to rely on mn. And many people also did this in spite of coming from very traditional homes. So I don't think that could be an excuse.

However you need to look at what needs changing in your life now. I wouldn't do the whole PA game playing of cooking for yourself, or making him funny meals as suggested. Rather have a straight, direct conversation with him. If this is getting you down would he do anything to make you happy and feel appreciated? You need to tell him exactly the ways he needs to step up.

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/11/2014 17:53

My Oh doesn't do much cooking, but I've taught him to do some basics for when I am late home. Chilli, pasta bake, and he makes some mean mash so can throw together a range. However, he does the pots and I enjoy cooking so it's win-win.

I think you need to sit down and go through some payoffs here - otherwise what's the point of him?

Original poster

CinnamonBuns · 09/11/2014 17:53

He empties the bin when asked and has hoovered once

I'm at home though and like things tidy so just get on with it

OP posts:

furcoatbigknickers · 09/11/2014 17:53

I really feel for you. There is no way i'd cook every single meal. Dh does b, l and d at the weekend.

DanyStormborn · 09/11/2014 17:54

You've made me feel really guilty - my husband cooks all the meals and on the odd occasion he's to busy I order a take-away . In my defence I find cooking an ordeal whilst he seems to enjoy but I know I should be making him a meal every now and again.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10