To be sick of personality disorder being used as an excuse for bad behaviour?

[fluffydressinggown]

I see it all the time on here, people say their partner/friend/family member has behaved badly and someone comes along and says maybe it is a personality disorder.

Personality disorder does not necessarily make you a bad person or give you bad behaviour. Some people are just dicks. Not dicks with a mental health problem.

Where

But for others, the mere idea that they might on he spectrum is a no go area because they aren't 'weird' or 'thick'. My DH took the suggestion he might be on the spectrum as the biggest insult ever.

Given people's perceptions of particular diagnoses you can understand why there might exist, for some, a fear of being diagnosed, especially when there are, as you talked about 'no medications and very very little help for adults' for certain conditions. Although increased understanding, I expect, can help people manage their everyday lives.

Lemon, I appreciate your long post. I'm sorry to hear you've encountered such difficulties - and impressed by your GP!

I’m also not sure if I buy into the “to aid comprehension” part of this either. If my only knowledge of PDs was what I learned on mumsnet, well it wouldn’t be much of an aid, as very few accurate things are ever posted on here about PDs.

This is your perception and experience, which I respect. Mine is different.
Six years of intensive therapy, including a month residential, helped me understand myself more and joined the dots between my experiences of weird family, weird husbands and weird bosses.
One year of Mumsnet - mainly on the Stately Homes and NPD threads - gave me the names for what had happened and was happening to me, tools to deal with it, and a clarity of insight that facilitated much faster recovery. My therapists found me well-informed, incisive, and constructive. Before I found Mumsnet, I was well motivated but neither informed nor incisive! Bear in mind it's not just about what you read on Mumsnet but, more crucially, the tried & tested links you are given.

I didn't need the family members, ex partners, ex bosses et al to get diagnosed. I needed to know how they did what they did, why, and sufficient understanding to compassionately 'forgive' them. In dealing with the family members I still see, my improved knowledge lets me manage the relationships in ways that do no harm.

I'm still 'in recovery' - always will be, I guess - but am very different from the woman who started therapy all those years ago. I'm in no doubt that I owe much of this to Mumsnetters :)

Yes I agree band that's why I think that it's good for to let people know about that possibility.
Then they read about it. Then they can make a judgement on whether it fits or not.
They and their partners might never get a full diagnosis but if that knowledge helps them live better lives, why not?
And we can see on threads here how the armchair diagnosis educated guess is helping people who think they might have AS (there is a thread running atm in the SN section). So it's not all or nothing re diagnosis either.

Just clarify this still further: I don't give a shit whether the people I've mentioned would meet a full set of pathological criteria. Some of them would, unquestionably; others might not. I don't care. What I needed were the descriptors; the patterns; the schemas. Because their schemas caused my malfunctions, I needed to see what the spanner in my works looked like! I couldn't fix myself without knowing what caused the damage.

we can see on threads here how the armchair diagnosis educated guess is helping people who think they might have AS

Yes, this too! I lurve Mumsnet when it's not being a grumpy whinyarse :)

Yes garlic this is my experience too. It's reading about AS on here that made me realise what could be happening with DH.
I had no knowledge at all about it before so would never have thought about it otherwise.
It allowed me to read around the subject, talk to DH who refused the possibility, make changes to how we communicate etc and let the idea sink in with DH so he now recognises that yes he is on the spectrum.
If I had stayed at the level if 'he behaves like this, this is hurtful. LTB', I wouldn't have had the opportunity to understand what was behind the behaviour as jimjam said. Our family wouldn't exist anymore. DH would have lost the chance to understand himself better. And I'm not sure I would be much better myself.

Where, that's lovely He's lucky to have such a thoughtful wife.

Goodness ladies, don’t post so much when I am off cooking and eating. LOL. I’ll be playing catch up all night now.

capsicum, the last sentence of your 16.37 post is, in a nutshell, what I feel.

Wheramigoing. Yes he did get a referral to a psych, and a dx. If he hadn’t, I am not sure what I would have done. He would have done nothing as he really felt his thinking and doing was typical of 99% of the population. It came as a shock to him that it wasn’t, at all. Pills don’t help p.d’s either. He has had a load of therapy, and his self-awareness is much (MUCH!) higher than it was, and because of that he is much easier to live with, much easier to reason with, much more aware that often he needs to adjust. My personal experience of life with a pd person who refuses to accept they have a problem, even after it has been diagnosed they still refuse treatment, is not good. For self-protection, I broke off all contact with a close family member who falls into this category. Had my husband refused to accept he was different, refused to seek help, refused to work on smoothing off the necessary raw edges, I doubt I would be sat here right now.

I would never advise another though on what their relationship boundaries should be. It’s such a personal and individual thing.

I am appalled that your husband can’t even get a diagnosis, let alone actual help. And no, not for one moment would I advocate “just give up and leave him”, I just wouldn’t play p-doc at all. I wouldn’t try to explain “maybe he does x because of y, so you should try z”. I would however point you in the direction of good books to look at (if I knew any on adult ASD that is, which I don’t). No way could I ever, with the best will in the world, convey on mumsnet, what it takes highly experienced psychs 350 pages to convey in a book. I would help and support and sympathise and empathise and recommend reading materials and websites, I just draw a line at diagnosing someone I have never met, based on the second hand account of another person I have never met.

And I do see where you and Garlic clearly say the help you have been given on mumsnet has definitely helped both of you tremendously. I just wonder if we hear about the times when misdiagnoses were made, where relationships that could have worked ended, where people suffered because of being labelled wrongly, where disordered thinking was validated and therefore exacerbated.

Garlic, am I right in thinking, with your mention of schemas, that you’re a Young & Klosko fan too? I do think we all have schemas, and I do think through me falling into one of my schemas, that can trigger one of my husband’s, and vice versa. And those schemas are present in all parties we interact with at all levels and at all times. Being aware of each other’s is half the battle.

We do all have schemas and can change them, if we really want to. I am saddened to think of the ones that were mine for so long.

I agree, being aware of each other's is half the battle! Now for the other half ...