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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relatives inviting themselves at Christmas

160 replies

morrisseysmum · 07/11/2014 18:54

My mum emailed today to ask if she and my dad could come visit between Christmas and New Year. They already know we have plans at Christmas for a quiet one, with just my sister (their daughter) and her husband, who live abroad, and who we've not seen in 18 months (they saw them three weeks ago).

We're expecting their second grandchild end of November.

I emailed back saying no, but what about coming mid-December when it's more convenient for us?

Lo and behold, they replied saying mid-December wouldn't be convenient, and that they'd found an irresistible deal in a hotel 3 miles away for the week between Christmas and New Year and made an impulsive decision to go ahead and book anyway.

They told me "you'll want to settle in with the newborn first before having anyone to stay so we decided to leave it a few weeks" - I was so flummoxed that they've gone against my wishes, and for the fact they've pretty much invited themselves, and then have the cheek to say it's not convenient when we suggest!!

I replied saying that they should have consulted me first, and my sister and her husband, as this will really change things for their stay, as they won't be able to spend as much quality time with their niece and future nephew as if my parents weren't around (they'll want to take the older child out for the day a lot of the time)

Now I feel like a heartless cow, but feel like the decision has been taken out of my hands as if I'm not a grown woman entitled to her own opinion. I'm 38 weeks pregnant and at the end of my tether. Not to mention DH, who doesn't get on with them at the best of times!!

My mum is coming on her own to help out with the older child for the imminent birth, so don't want there to be any negativity, but I just can't believe it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 07/11/2014 18:57

I think you are being a little unreasonable - sorry. It's Christmas, they're staying in a hotel, your sister is invited. Seems a bit unfair to exclude them. Especially as your mum is coming to help you out....

PicandMinx · 07/11/2014 18:58

No. Tell her they are not welcome and ask someone else to help you with your older child. She is walking all over you.

DoughnutSelfie · 07/11/2014 18:58

I'm a bit confused but you know what - you are enormously pregnant so on that evi alone YANBU

DinnaeKnowShitFromClay · 07/11/2014 18:58

I would be bloody fuming and would send an email back saying it is not convenient and they perhaps should investigate the possibility of a refund on the hotel. Puts them under no illusion then. It will cause a ruck but you are being walked on here.

scurryfunge · 07/11/2014 18:58

Not sure. They are not staying with you so maybe you could accommodate a visit for a few hours during their stay. Do you not get on with them generally?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2014 19:02

I would find someone else to help you with your eldest child.

It is not at all surprising to me that your DH does not get along with these people because he realised a long time ago how you are treated by them.

Whippet81 · 07/11/2014 19:02

Well yes a bit if I'm honest.

I know not everyone gets on with their parents (my DF is very difficult) but they're your mum and dad and it's Christmas. You haven't got to put them up they've booked a hotel and they will help with your children.

You say your mum is coming to help when you have your baby so really you just want them there when it's most convenient to you? I take it there are no real not getting on issues then. Not really fair.

I don't know how old they are but they'll come a time when they won't be here to come and see the grandchildren at Christmas.

massagegirl · 07/11/2014 19:05

YABU they want to see their family at Christmas. They are staying in a hotel so not imposing by staying. She's coming to help you out before hand.

saiyme09 · 07/11/2014 19:05

I'm unsure It's a little rude however if it was the other way round and your sister ( who'd just had a baby) was staying at your mums with her family and you'd asked is it ok to come visit and offered to stay in a hotel at Christmas how would you feel if she said no? For me it's Christmas and family don't need an invite, however I understand you had your heart set in time with your sister and it's always annoying when plans change...

ImTheOneThatKnocks · 07/11/2014 19:05

How many days have they booked?

I'd be really irritated and if it were my in-laws doing this I would be apoplectic Confused Grin

YANBU (as I am sure you already know)

Preciousbane · 07/11/2014 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 07/11/2014 19:09

Hmm...my instinct is that you are being a bit unreasonable. Their children and grandchildren, including the latest addition, will all be together over the festive period, but somehow they're not welcome...even though they have arranged their own accommodation and will take children out to relieve pressure.
I doubt your sister's dh is that bothered about spending specific quality time with your children btw.

I dunno...I do see where you're coming from too I suppose. I just hate to think that in future years my kids and their families will all get together for Christmas and show dh and I the hand.

LordEmsworth · 07/11/2014 19:10

Do you have any other siblings? If not, and I were your parents, I'd be quite hurt that my children were excluding me from their family Christmas...

IHeartKingThistle · 07/11/2014 19:10

What terrible people, wanting to see their family at Christmas. Hmm

Of course it's up to you, and it is irritating when parents ignore your wishes, but if DD grew up and did that to me I would be devastated. Wouldn't you be?

PuppyMonkey · 07/11/2014 19:11

I think if your mum is coming to help after the birth, you're being a bit mean to say she and your dad can't come for Christmas tbh.

Here's what I would insist:

Your sister and her DP do all the cooking

Your mum and dad come over for short visits then bugger off to their hotel.

Loads of babysitters on hand so you and your sis can nip out for a drink.

You get to go off for a snooze all the time and the others can entertain themselves.

Chocolate

Wine

Etc

Merry Christmas. Grin

carlsonrichards · 07/11/2014 19:12

They are not even staying with you.

How would you feel if your children grow up and then say, 'We're spending Xmas together, but we don't want you.'

bodhranbae · 07/11/2014 19:16

don't want there to be any negativity

I think you are way beyond that stage already.
It all sounds a bit petulant and I feel sorry for your parents.

Ediemccreedy · 07/11/2014 19:16

I have never posted on a aibu thread before but this is ridiculous. YABVU.

VanitasVanitatum · 07/11/2014 19:17

I cannot even imagine inviting my sister for Christmas and not my mum. She'd be crushed, and frankly I'd really miss her! Obviously my dad too if he was alive.

Would you not feel really excluded if your dc did this in the future? Sounds like theyre being totally reasonable, they've booked a hotel as you told them they weren't welcome in the house. Would you rather they didn't want to see you?

SundaeGirl · 07/11/2014 19:19

Wow, yeah, YABU.

They aren't staying, they've booked a hotel. You have their other DD and their grandchildren.

They wiped your arse when you were small, y'know. And stayed up through the night and stuck up for you. Bloody hell.

Tigercake · 07/11/2014 19:20

We have in laws who do this for a fucking fortnight every Christmas. We don't get consulted, and it gives me the rage. Then they randomly come over and expect to be catered for. It is so rude, but they just don't see an issue. Not yet figured out how to deal with it. Sympathy OP.

TrippleBlessed · 07/11/2014 19:20

Sorry but you are being unreasonable.

They're your parents, usually people want their families around them at xmas. Plus you're having your sister (their daughter) there with you so unless you have other siblings who else are your parents expected to spend xmas with? I feel very sad for them. They even plan to help you, not sit around and expect to be waited on and they've even booked their own accommodation.

I'd say enjoy every minute with them, they're not going to be around forever, and just think how would you feel if your children grew up and did the same to you.

Mrsgrumble · 07/11/2014 19:22

Normally I would agree. However, you are using your mum after you have your baby. So you obviously are close enough to see her then to clean etc i presume. They are not at yours for Christmas dinner and are staying in a hotel.

Yabvu IMO.

carlsonrichards · 07/11/2014 19:22

They are staying in a hotel, Tiger. She invited her sister and the sister's husband and then told the parents they weren't wanted.

Oldraver · 07/11/2014 19:22

I feel like a heartless cow

So you should