Relatives inviting themselves at Christmas

[morrisseysmum]

My mum emailed today to ask if she and my dad could come visit between Christmas and New Year. They already know we have plans at Christmas for a quiet one, with just my sister (their daughter) and her husband, who live abroad, and who we've not seen in 18 months (they saw them three weeks ago).

We're expecting their second grandchild end of November.

I emailed back saying no, but what about coming mid-December when it's more convenient for us?

Lo and behold, they replied saying mid-December wouldn't be convenient, and that they'd found an irresistible deal in a hotel 3 miles away for the week between Christmas and New Year and made an impulsive decision to go ahead and book anyway.

They told me "you'll want to settle in with the newborn first before having anyone to stay so we decided to leave it a few weeks" - I was so flummoxed that they've gone against my wishes, and for the fact they've pretty much invited themselves, and then have the cheek to say it's not convenient when we suggest!!

I replied saying that they should have consulted me first, and my sister and her husband, as this will really change things for their stay, as they won't be able to spend as much quality time with their niece and future nephew as if my parents weren't around (they'll want to take the older child out for the day a lot of the time)

Now I feel like a heartless cow, but feel like the decision has been taken out of my hands as if I'm not a grown woman entitled to her own opinion. I'm 38 weeks pregnant and at the end of my tether. Not to mention DH, who doesn't get on with them at the best of times!!

My mum is coming on her own to help out with the older child for the imminent birth, so don't want there to be any negativity, but I just can't believe it.

AIBU?

I wish my mum had offered to give up her time and stay with me when I had my new borns.

Yes you can come and stay when I need you, but no you're not wanted at Christmas (even though you have taken the trouble to put your self up in a hotel). That stay would be a bit inconvenient because me and your other daughter are having quality time together.

That's how it reads to me, sorry!

Ummm YABU. And very hurtful if I'm honest. It's Christmas. How lovely that your parents want to share it with you!

Perhaps if you have 1 day that is just for you and your sister's family, that would be a compromise? Then the rest of the time have some larger family times and shake off any resentment - parents aren't here forever sadly.

You are totally YABVVU.
They are your parents, you are having your sister to stay - it makes sense & be grateful that they have booked a hotel.

Your mum is welcome to help when you decide you need it but not to see all her family together at Christmas?

Let's blame your hormones.

I think it's sad and a bit mean given she's doing you a favour when your new baby arrives. Let's hope one of your kids doesn't do the same to you when he/she is old enough.

OP, you sound very mean. Your mum is helping you with childcare and she's asking to see you at Christmas (actually after Christmas) and despite your parents not even staying with you, you won't welcome them. And this is after she is considerate enough to give you time with the new baby before they descend. Wow. YABU.

Actually, is this a reverse?

Well if this was my parents, I'd be really pleased and look forward to it. Unless your parents are a nightmare yabu.

I am sorry Yabvu. Hardly a quiet Christmas by yourself when you have your sister over who is also her dd. I would feel really left out, and they are staying in a hotel, not with you! You are using her for childcare, and not having her over at Christmas, just one day of the year. You need to rethink this arrangement!

YABU, your parents would probably like to see their children and grandchildren together at Christmas. Quite strange that you hadn't already invited them and they are staying in a hotel.

Is there backstory here?

No the unreasonable relative says completely out of the blue, in front of various other relatives: "And I've decided the best thing is if we all come to you for Christmas". And then you find that the rest of the relatives were invited months ago (and assumed you were consulted first). Next time that happens I'm booking a hotel away and if they're lucky I might tell them.

I was thinking reverse too.

Aw, I do feel sorry for your parents to be honest. You and your sister and families will all be together and your parents aren't wanted. That is a bit sad. Yanbu to do whatever you want though I suppose.

If your sister and family are coming from abroad, why don't you want to spend Christmas all together? I assume that doesn't get to happen often? And the fact that they aren't trying to stay with you either is at least a plus point.

What's the backstory?

Another one to say YABU and mean too.

I'm outraged on your DM's behalf that you are happy to use her to look after you elder child whilst having your baby but that she can't see you and her other daughter between Christmas and New Year. She isn't even asking to come for Christmas Day!

You need to apologise to your parents and let them know they are welcome to share some of festive season with you.

Blimey, I also think YABvU. Can blame the hormones perhaps.

I cannot comprehend the idea of your sister being there but your M&D being unwelcome.

Anyone is welcome to visit us anytime over Christmas. Not to stay anytime and not to expect 'servicing' but your parents are not expecting anything of you except to see you. I am shocked seeing you and your family is considered an imposition.

YANBU - RE: Them booking the hotel without asking you

YABU - Not to invite them around at Christmas. Seems a really selfish thing to do to exclude your parents from Christmas when you are inviting your sister around.

I would absolutely love my mum to come over at Christmas.
Sadly she died 4 years ago so that's not going to happen ever again.

YABU.

Your poor parents, kids getting together and they're excluded. Unless there is a massive backstory that you haven't shared.

Really? Come help me with my newborn at the drop of a hat, but no way can you stay anywhere near me around Christmas. Lovely.

So you mum is good enough to give you a break when you have a baby, but not good enough to have at xmas when her whole family will be there - surely I have miss read?

I get wanting to have a small xmas, I do the same, but I couldn't exclude my parents if my sis and family were at mine anyway - 'heartless' at best, I would feel, nasty, spiteful and controlling to have the xmas described in the OP.

YABVU

Your poor parents.

Why can't your parents spend Xmas with their dc and gdc? Why do you get to control that

Yabu - I would be gutted if my 2 were spending Christmas together and I wasn't invited. They are staying in a hotel so hardly imposing on you

It really annoys me when people use pregnancy as an excuse for selfish behaviour.

Either it's a quiet Christmas, involving you, your DH and your DCs, or it's a rather busier Christmas including your sister's family. Don't flannel OP.

Agree YABVU - they're in a hotel, your Mum is coming to help when the baby is born. All actually sounds very reasonable. It can't all be one way traffic.

Why wouldn't they want to take the older child out a bit - is that so terrible?

Plus I don't understand why it's OK to be PITA just because you are pregnant - not everyone is.

If I were your mother I would be sad and hurt

I would assume I had made a huge mistake in my parenting op.

Sorry but to exclude your parents when you and your sister are meeting up, and they are staying in a hotel.

Maybe it won't be convenient for your mum to help with your newborn?

And sorry but being hugely upduffed does not excuse being unreasonable.