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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relatives inviting themselves at Christmas

160 replies

morrisseysmum · 07/11/2014 18:54

My mum emailed today to ask if she and my dad could come visit between Christmas and New Year. They already know we have plans at Christmas for a quiet one, with just my sister (their daughter) and her husband, who live abroad, and who we've not seen in 18 months (they saw them three weeks ago).

We're expecting their second grandchild end of November.

I emailed back saying no, but what about coming mid-December when it's more convenient for us?

Lo and behold, they replied saying mid-December wouldn't be convenient, and that they'd found an irresistible deal in a hotel 3 miles away for the week between Christmas and New Year and made an impulsive decision to go ahead and book anyway.

They told me "you'll want to settle in with the newborn first before having anyone to stay so we decided to leave it a few weeks" - I was so flummoxed that they've gone against my wishes, and for the fact they've pretty much invited themselves, and then have the cheek to say it's not convenient when we suggest!!

I replied saying that they should have consulted me first, and my sister and her husband, as this will really change things for their stay, as they won't be able to spend as much quality time with their niece and future nephew as if my parents weren't around (they'll want to take the older child out for the day a lot of the time)

Now I feel like a heartless cow, but feel like the decision has been taken out of my hands as if I'm not a grown woman entitled to her own opinion. I'm 38 weeks pregnant and at the end of my tether. Not to mention DH, who doesn't get on with them at the best of times!!

My mum is coming on her own to help out with the older child for the imminent birth, so don't want there to be any negativity, but I just can't believe it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
clam · 07/11/2014 21:35

Jesus! Are there really people like the OP in life - plus all those on here who are egging her on to continue behaving like a prize bitch?

JeanSeberg · 07/11/2014 21:35

Interesting first post op...

Catsmamma · 07/11/2014 21:37

so, your parents are giving you assistance while you have your second child

they are leaving you and the new baby to settle in

they are booking a hotel between Xmas and NY and so will not be imposing

and they have asked to come and visit their two daughters and grandchildren

I am not seeing unreasonable behaviour from them I am afraid....but you do seem to be acting like a spoiled tantrumming child who is determined to be wretched because things are not going her way.

yellowdinosauragain · 07/11/2014 21:41

A backstory that I think would explain the op being pissed off with this but happy for her mum to look after her older dc while she was having her baby is a history of her parents always muscling in when the 2 sisters see each other.

My sister also lives abroad. She comes back every year and my parents also visit her every year. We can't afford to do that (either financially or time off work given where she lives) so we only see her once a year, when she comes over to stay with mum and dad. Therefore time on our own, which is different even given the fact that our relationships with our parents are bloody great, is completely different and I'd be pissed off too if my parents didn't get this. Bear in mind the op said that her parents will have seen her sister 3 weeks earlier whereas for the op it's been 18 months.

Thankfully my parents understand this and me and my sister get lots of time to do stuff together, including her coming to stay with me without my parents. But if they always tried to muscle in on that precious time I'd be pretty pissed off, regardless of our great relationship.

So for me it's hard to tell if the op is being unreasonable or not. It might be Christmas and therefore more emotive, but if this is the only week the op gets to see her sister for the next 18 months, and having their parents there changes the dynamic significantly, I don't think she's unreasonable to want her plans to remain as they were. And her parents do have each other so wouldn't be completely alone. More information needed really...

Aeroflotgirl · 07/11/2014 21:41

Exactly, when she said relatives, I thought she meant Obnoxious Uncle Alfred, and Aunt Agnes, cousins, BIL/SIL, nit her parents who she has asked to look after her children when she goes into hospital, and who are staying in a hotel for 3 days. Op you can have my PIL, tgey were here for a month before giving birth to dd, and a month after, I wasent even asked if it was ok, as they have come from Italy to 'help' DH was more than happy for them to fom and stay with us, no hotel!

QTPie · 07/11/2014 21:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MandarinCheesecake · 07/11/2014 22:03

In a word, Yes YABU.

You say you haven't seen your sister for 18 months and your mum saw her 3 weeks ago. Am assuming that your mum travelled to see her and that she also see's you a bit more often.

When was the last time she saw you both, your dh's and dc's altogether at the same time?
Do you not think that this would be extra special for both her and your dad to see you all, welcome your new baby and celebrate Christmas at the same time??

How long would she have to wait to have the same chance again in the future??

Unless there is a massive back story, I feel really sorry for your parents.

bellybuttonfairy · 07/11/2014 22:16

Your poor mum. She must be devastated. You are her children, her family and she's left out in the cold even on Xmas day.

Ok, they may be ageing and becoming slightly annoying but you have to make allowances for that. She's bending over backwards for you - as a free skivvy whilst you have a new baby.

Please dont make your mum a Wendy :-(

ThePinkOcelot · 07/11/2014 22:18

You sound horrible. Wow. Totally entitled as well. If I were your mum, I would tell you to stick helping with your newborn up your arse!!

waithorse · 07/11/2014 22:32

Are you coming back op ?

ThePinkOcelot · 07/11/2014 22:41

Don't think she is Wait

Sassyb0703 · 07/11/2014 22:43

Just plain weird. Christmas with sister but parents excluded ? Understandable if NC with parents but seeing as Dm is close enough to skivvy for you on birth of dc , I can honestly say your behaviour to your parents is nothing short of appallingSad God forbid your two children excluded you in your old age...

Sassyb0703 · 07/11/2014 22:48

Also just noticed your thread 'relatives inviting themselves....' Relatives ???? they are your parents ! you sound devoid of feeling for them yet label them with same name as a distant cousin or a barely known uncle ..back story surely or you and dh are vvu

Crazyative · 07/11/2014 23:12

Not sure if you've given us enough of the picture? Each family is so different with their own unspoken rules / mini-culture. Within some families, it is perfectly normal to feel that no-one needs to be invited whilst in others hospitality is not a given regardless of the relationship.

If you / your husband have a problem with your dad, does your mum know about it? Would it make a difference to her? But in this instance, that seems to be the lesser problem for you — the bigger one being around wanting to spend quality time with your sibling.

If your parents think that they can just invite themselves round, do you think that it might be because your mother is receiving mixed messages from you? She might interpret 'come and stay because I need you' into 'I can come and stay because I'm needed'. I don't think you said whether your mum was nice / horrible / demanding — or whether she's always there to help you?

I've watched in horror while some adults continue to take from their parents with out ever giving any support in return; equally, I've seen parents who are never satisfied, no matter how much their adult children do for them.

In the absence of a fuller picture, I can't work out whether you're being unreasonable.

mumeeee · 07/11/2014 23:27

Another one who thinks that YABU. They are not actually staying with you but in a hotel and they want to see their Children and Grandchildren sometime during the Christmas period.

FunkyBoldRibena · 07/11/2014 23:34

Goodness me. What a bitch. Wanting to spend time with her kids and grandkids...its not like it is christmas or anything.

Oh.

Hang on a minute...

QuicheConverter · 07/11/2014 23:36

I hope this isn't real - If it is YABVU. I thought maybe there was some backstory but if do, why would you be happy to use your dm for childcare?

I would be over the moon to have parents who were able to come and help with the tricky early days, and who we're able and keen to join is around Christmas, and take the children out for the day.

Something must have happened for you to sound so u, and unkind, but it isn't clear from this post what on earth that could be.

QuintsBombWithAWiew · 07/11/2014 23:38

Tell them to Fuck the Fuck off. Who do they bloody think they are booking a hotel for Christmas, hoping they can celebrate with their daughters and their new grandchild. Idiots.

Confused

Erm, you sound a bit unfestive.

harverina · 07/11/2014 23:40

Yes yabvu.

Why would you want to exclude your parents? It sounds quite mean to me actually.

It's convenient for you to have your mum round for the imminent birth huh?

I know you are probably feeling tired/big/fed up but that's no excuse to treat people like crap. They aren't imposing themselves on you, they have booked a hotel.

firesidechat · 08/11/2014 07:40

Oh course she's not coming back and if she does it will be with a massive new angle of the story. It's another one of those "drop the bomb and watch us all get our knickers in a twist" threads.

needaholidaynow · 08/11/2014 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigbluestars · 08/11/2014 07:46

THis is the OP's first and only post- don't pull the string.

poolomoomon · 08/11/2014 07:51

Yabu.

This makes me really Sad. Just imagining my DC when they're older spending Christmas together and DH and I not being welcome... It's really awful.

If your parents are horrid people and there's some massive backstory then I'm willing to change that to yanbu but if it's just what you posted then you definitely Abu. They've booked a hotel as well so won't be imposing on you in that way.

Applefallingfromthetree2 · 08/11/2014 08:01

I am really uncomfortable with the tone of this post- it sounds like come at my convenience only and to help me out otherwise you are not welcome.

They are leaving you to have a quiet Christmas at your request and visiting between Xmas And New Year- and staying in a hotel. I imagine it is more the irresistible urge to see you and their grandchildren at Xmas that is driving them more than the irresistible deal at the hotel!

If you don't want them then fine but don't use them at other times. How much is this to do with your DH not liking them?

MargotLovedTom · 08/11/2014 08:11

Totally Agee with all the others saying YABU. I don't think pregnancy gives you carte blanche to be spiteful and thoughtless to be honest.