Relatives inviting themselves at Christmas

[morrisseysmum]

My mum emailed today to ask if she and my dad could come visit between Christmas and New Year. They already know we have plans at Christmas for a quiet one, with just my sister (their daughter) and her husband, who live abroad, and who we've not seen in 18 months (they saw them three weeks ago).

We're expecting their second grandchild end of November.

I emailed back saying no, but what about coming mid-December when it's more convenient for us?

Lo and behold, they replied saying mid-December wouldn't be convenient, and that they'd found an irresistible deal in a hotel 3 miles away for the week between Christmas and New Year and made an impulsive decision to go ahead and book anyway.

They told me "you'll want to settle in with the newborn first before having anyone to stay so we decided to leave it a few weeks" - I was so flummoxed that they've gone against my wishes, and for the fact they've pretty much invited themselves, and then have the cheek to say it's not convenient when we suggest!!

I replied saying that they should have consulted me first, and my sister and her husband, as this will really change things for their stay, as they won't be able to spend as much quality time with their niece and future nephew as if my parents weren't around (they'll want to take the older child out for the day a lot of the time)

Now I feel like a heartless cow, but feel like the decision has been taken out of my hands as if I'm not a grown woman entitled to her own opinion. I'm 38 weeks pregnant and at the end of my tether. Not to mention DH, who doesn't get on with them at the best of times!!

My mum is coming on her own to help out with the older child for the imminent birth, so don't want there to be any negativity, but I just can't believe it.

AIBU?

agree

You said you feel like a heartless cow and that's because you are one! I can't believe how horrible you are treating your parents your mother is good enough to help you out when you give birth yet not good to spend Christmas with?
One day this might be you and I hope your kids treat you the same since you've shown them how to treat parents.

Wonder if the OP's coming back? There must be more to this...

You're fine OP NBU.

Your parents only paid lip service to what you Need.

And now trying to crash your plans with your sister.

You do need to get someone else to look after /babysit. Not your Mum

If you'd said baby will be very small and you just wanted to spend time as a family of 4 I'd have been inclined to say your parents were unfair (if understandable). But you are happy to have your DSis and BIL and you're happy for parents to come when baby is even smaller. So it's not that you need quiet family time to adjust. They are staying in a hotel so not like they will in your hair the whole time.

Bloody hell its Christmas. What an grouch you sound, lovely daughter they have!

Hope my daughter doesn't grow up to be so unwelcoming.

This unhappy little story is true - YABU

This is all fantasy - YABU

oh, no overnight denouement??

Am a bit gutted really, really expected to find out the OP's parents were actually both Grinches who would steal all the presents and spit on the turkey or something

I like to read a bit of www manipulation :o

I love how if it was the MIL who had done this there would be a sea of YANBU....op, you are being a bit U, I'm an only child so feel obliged to have my parents every year even if I don't want to.

YABU. How will u feel if your DC treat you like this in future years?

OP? OP?
you there?

It's a C minus from me too Catsmamma.

There must be a back story otherwise you sound awful.

Would your sister like to see your parents?? Maybe they want to see her.

YABVVU.

They only want to come for three days. I presume your sister will be staying longer than that since she will be with you actually for Christmas and your parents want to come in between Christmas and new year? So you will have plenty of time with your sister before your parents even arrive!

Could you write back and say that's a shame you've booked to come then when you knew it wasn't convenient for us - how about coming for a couple of days in the first half of January - I bet the hotel would be happy to change the booking and you'd probably get an even better deal for early January. And it would be much nicer to see you then when we will be able to give you our proper attention rather than after Christmas when we've already got plans. Plus it wil be much nicer for dd to have her relatives visit separately instead of all together - will be something nice to look forward to after Christmas instead of a flat January.'

I'd also be tempted to ring up the hotel, explain what your parents have done and find out in principle if they'd be prepared to switch your parents' booking. I bet they would, even if it's supposed a non- amendable one as hotels are usually quiet in January. Especially if you find a hotel person who sympathises with you!!

I'm sure that your mum has booked it thinking that she can see that her 2 dd are going to be in one place at Christmas plus there will be dgc including a brand new one and she feels that she has a right to be there, regardless of how it will impact on you.

I get how annoying it would be - I've got a pair of tickets for a spa day and invited my dsis along. When my mum found out she wanted to buy a ticket to come too. I haven't been yet so she hasn't bought a ticket and I have no idea what will actually happen - but I know that if she is there it will change the whole day, it won't be relaxing and I won't be able to catch up with my sis in the same way I would have done if she wasn't there. but I would still feel guilty saying no so either way it becomes a lose:lose situation.

That stressed me out enough and that's nowhere near as stressful as your scenarion with Christmas, new baby and rare reunion with your sister!

YABU (only having read the OP) sorry.

They are your parents, your sister's parents, it's Christmas, they aren't expecting to stay at your house, they are excited to see their grandchildren.

I'm failing to see why you're so annoyed. I love my family.

ZipZap would probably be even more stressful for the OP trying to organise care for her eldest when she's giving birth if her mother wasn't kind enough to be doing it eh?

And at the idea of ringing up the hotel. How would they even know you're who they say you are? And would they really give out details of people's bookings on the phone to any old random?

YABU. You want her help when it suits you and s*d off over Christmas. They've booked a hotel which is reasonable & gives you all breathing space. It would not BU to say please don't pop round before lunch as we take a while to get going or some such. Also why not suggest your parents host you all one meal at the hotel? (Less time in the kitchen for you guys.)

I do sympathise as my parents have just bumped me into having Christmas here for the Xth year running but sometimes you have to suck it up.

Erm, I think pp are forgetting that OP is heavily pregnant and therefore has a get out of jail card to be as unreasonable as she likes!! Are you ok OP?? Some pp are being very harsh.

Yes it is xmas they are family blah blah blah but they have still been very rude to book without waiting for your reply (unless your family has always had a policy of just booking stuff whenever and you're all very relaxed about it - which I'm guessing isn't the case).

I'd leave it a few days to see how you feel you might change your mind. Discuss it with DH. Maybe you could find a compromise and your Dsis could take them out for one of the days to give you some chillout time?

Oh and the pp being shocked at the idea of ringing the hotel, depending on the backstory it's not such a crazy idea. We had extended family choose to fly to our wedding (instead of a 6 hour drive) saying they'd hire a car, then a few days before rang us to ask us to sort out lifts to/from the airport (an hour away). When we said sorry we can't help they said oh but there are no hire cars available, so they got other relatives to ferry them around. A quick online check showed that loads of hire cars were available Sadly people just lie sometimes!

No I don't think being pregnant is a get out of jail card at all tbh. Smacks of "ill' princess needs pandering to" sort of attitude.

And the PP was suggesting ringing the hotel to ask if they'd collude in changing the booking. Not to do with checking up.

So you've invited your sister and her husband but are purposefully excluding your parents? That's really unpleasant. I can't imagine how hurt they must feel.
Unless there is a big drip-feed coming, you're massively unreasonable and sound really unpleasant.

Crikey this is why I would never post of AIBU because people can be horrid.

The OP is 38 weeks pregnant, so none of you pp ever had an episode of being upset and hormonal over something minor when heavily pregnant?? I sure have. Even if you haven't can't you be sympathetic and nice to someone who is?

Calling the op "really unpleasant" is just nasty. She'll probably calm down and chat to her parents and all will be fine. Being hormonal and upset about something does not make you a nasty person. Attacking a poster who has asked for advice on an internet forum on the other hand....

Being pregnant is not an excuse to behave in a hurtful way towards other people, and being pregnant doesn't mean that no one should pull you up on bad behaviour!

OP - I tried sending you a pm to say I hope you are ok and the worst replies to your thread haven't upset you, sadly AIBU can be like that from what I've seen. For what it's worth I can totally see why you feel as you do, it's just the sort of thing that would get to me too when pregnant, it's about control being taken away from you and people just deciding things for you.

Don't take the nasty poster's comments to heart. Hope you get it sorted out with your parents.

All the best.

But there's pointing out that you think the OP is BU and there's just being nasty. Big difference. Huge.