Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Relatives inviting themselves at Christmas

160 replies

morrisseysmum · 07/11/2014 18:54

My mum emailed today to ask if she and my dad could come visit between Christmas and New Year. They already know we have plans at Christmas for a quiet one, with just my sister (their daughter) and her husband, who live abroad, and who we've not seen in 18 months (they saw them three weeks ago).

We're expecting their second grandchild end of November.

I emailed back saying no, but what about coming mid-December when it's more convenient for us?

Lo and behold, they replied saying mid-December wouldn't be convenient, and that they'd found an irresistible deal in a hotel 3 miles away for the week between Christmas and New Year and made an impulsive decision to go ahead and book anyway.

They told me "you'll want to settle in with the newborn first before having anyone to stay so we decided to leave it a few weeks" - I was so flummoxed that they've gone against my wishes, and for the fact they've pretty much invited themselves, and then have the cheek to say it's not convenient when we suggest!!

I replied saying that they should have consulted me first, and my sister and her husband, as this will really change things for their stay, as they won't be able to spend as much quality time with their niece and future nephew as if my parents weren't around (they'll want to take the older child out for the day a lot of the time)

Now I feel like a heartless cow, but feel like the decision has been taken out of my hands as if I'm not a grown woman entitled to her own opinion. I'm 38 weeks pregnant and at the end of my tether. Not to mention DH, who doesn't get on with them at the best of times!!

My mum is coming on her own to help out with the older child for the imminent birth, so don't want there to be any negativity, but I just can't believe it.

AIBU?

OP posts:

VeryStressedMum · 07/11/2014 20:23

There must be a big back story because your mum is coming to help you after the birth but you didn't invite them for Xmas but your sister, her other dd, is coming to your house for Xmas with the children. And you say they can't even stay at a hotel 3 miles away after Christmas...so they arent welcome to see any of their children or grandchildren over Christmas but you'll use her for childcare? And they can come mid December. .
I think you are awful.

MimiSunshine · 07/11/2014 20:23

It seems the question is "aibu to be very annoyed that my parents asked to visit, the time didn't suit us but they've booked a hotel regardless?" No IMO YANBU.

Presumably they're only in your area to visit you and not because it's a 'holiday destination' therefore you'll feel obliged to entertain them when that's precisely what you wanted to avoid.

Unfortunately I think you have to suck it up now but let them know the day or two you'd like them to call in within what you can manage.

Fairyliz · 07/11/2014 20:24

Op where are you?

Darkandstormynight · 07/11/2014 20:27

Dear lord. I just read your post again. They were excited, booked a great deal, presumably paid for it already, 'consulted' you probably 99.9% sure you'd want to see them for the holidays.

If dc said that to me I'd be mortified and hurt. Sure they should have come out and told you they bought tickets and I suppose being preg. you might be a bit miffed but come on.

YABVU!

OneInAMillionYou · 07/11/2014 20:41

How can you not want to see your own parents? This is tragic and as far from the spirit of Christmas as it is possible to be.

Garcia10 · 07/11/2014 20:43

MimiSunshine - I'm not sure you read the OP properly. Her mum is coming to help to look after the elder child whilst she has the baby. Her sister is staying at her house over Christmas. Her parents have only booked three days between Christmas and New Year at a hotel.

They just want to share some of the Christmas period with their daughters and grandchildren. There is nothing at all unreasonable about what the OP's parents have done.

To be honest if I was the OP's mother I'd tell her that I was too busy to be there to look after the elder child at the birth and leave her to sort out alternative arrangements. If there is a back story so huge that it would vindicate the OP from excluding her parents from celebrating Christmas with her family than that backstory should mean that her mother shouldn't be asked to look after the elder child whilst she is having the baby.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 07/11/2014 20:45

I hope your dc don't do this to you OP.
Unless there is a back story, ybvu.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 07/11/2014 20:51

What Garcia said.

quietbatperson · 07/11/2014 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CatHackney · 07/11/2014 20:59

YANBU at all.

SolomanDaisy · 07/11/2014 21:03

That's so sad. I can't imagine ever treating my parents that way and I hope DS wouldn't do it to us. Is there a huge back story or are you enormously self centred?

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 07/11/2014 21:03

Unless there is a back story I would say on the surface yabu.

Thebodynowchillingsothere · 07/11/2014 21:05

Really pisses me off when describing pregnant woman as somehow not rational normal human beings!

How bloody ridiculous.

Leeds2 · 07/11/2014 21:08

If my DD said that to me, I would be devastated.

Garcia10 · 07/11/2014 21:10

I'm far too invested on this thread but have little to do so CatHackney please can you explain why the OP isn't being unreasonable.

In summary - the OP's mother is going to look after her elder grandchild whilst the OP has her second. The parents are being excluded from Christmas Day but would like to see both of their daughters and grandchildren between Christmas Day and New Year so have booked a hotel. There is no real imposition on the OP probably just a few hours on each of the three days where they will want to interact with their family.

Seriously, I hope that anyone who thinks this is reasonable is treated in the same way by their own children in the future.

It is Christmas, a time which should be spent with family. I admit I may think differently if the OP wasn't expecting help for the birth of her second child just a few wens before but she is and therefore she should include her parents at some point over Christmas. Her parents aren't even asking for Christmas Day, just a few days between Christmas and New Year.

LittleBearPad · 07/11/2014 21:15

YABU. I don't quite see what they issue is unless you're going to drip feed a massive backstory now.

DoJo · 07/11/2014 21:16

as if I'm not a grown woman entitled to her own opinion.

You are entitled to your opinion. You are not, however, entitled to dictate how two other adults spend their time, so you can say 'no' to them taking your older child out for the day (which seems to be your only real issue) but you can't insist that they spend that week elsewhere when they aren't even inviting themselves to stay with you!
I'm also a bit surprised that you can't see how it would be nice for them to see you and your sister together - I'm sure you wouldn't want to see your children in shifts when they are older, especially if them getting together was a rare an occurrence as your OP suggests.

Garcia10 · 07/11/2014 21:19

LittleBearPad I agree if there is a backstory fair enough. But it will have to be very interesting that it allows the OP's DM to look after the elder child whilst the second is born but not to see her family between Christmas and New a Year.

hippo123 · 07/11/2014 21:20

Yabu. Your mum and dad want to see their 2 daughters over the Christmas period. Isn't that a nice thing? There not even staying with you. I would be so hurt if I was your mum. I hope your children never say the same to you.

waithorse · 07/11/2014 21:22

YAB massively U. I would be really upset if my dc did this. I honestly can't see the problem, it's not like they want to stay with you. You want a nice Christmas with your dc and dsis and exclude your parents, sounds horrible. I'm assuming there isn't a massive back story as they are looking after your dc1 while you have the baby.

clairemum22 · 07/11/2014 21:25

Why does being 38 weeks pregnant mean you are automatically allowed to be unreasonable? It's not that special, loads of people have done it! I think you are really unkind OP - your poor parents.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 07/11/2014 21:27

I could understand you being pissed off if your folks had invited themselves to stay at yours and expected to be waited on but as they've booked into a hotel I can't see a problem.

Is there more to it?

Noregretsatall · 07/11/2014 21:29

My mum is terminally ill so this Xmas is likely to be her last. We are a close family so this upsets me greatly. This Xmas will be very precious indeed and mum will definitely be a major part of it. YABU!

nobeer · 07/11/2014 21:31

I think it's weird you refer to your PARENTS as relatives! Surely the word relative refers to a random aunt or cousin. Anyway, yes yabu.

Bowlersarm · 07/11/2014 21:34

Exactly nobeer, you open the thread thinking it's going to be great aunt Ethel and sweary cousin twice removed or someone.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7