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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Doom... And more doom

95 replies

Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 20:16

Hi, sorry, I just don't know what to do. I have a good job that pays ok money, yet I have found myself in a completely shitty situation, to do with my dad dying and me having to leave my partner to move back in with my flipping mother (who hates me, and worships my sister). I have pretty much had enough of her criticism (plus she hates dp, even though I had to move out of our flat to try and help her)... Advice please.

OP posts:
confusedandemployed · 01/11/2014 20:17

Why do you have to move in? Why can't your perfect sister do that?

Sorry about your dad Thanks

Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 20:21

Thank you, appreciate it. Because she is living in a dad-funded flat already, whereas mine has been seized under the inheritance act, or whatever. I am just so fed up. And am at risk of outing myself, but I am 30 years old, moved back in with my mum who spends her life telling me I am shit and treating me like a teenager, and if I even try to see Dp, then I get an earful and a 'your father would be turning in his grave...' Type thing.

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Venticoffeecup · 01/11/2014 20:24

You don't have to help someone who doesn't show you basic respect, even if they gave birth to you.

You just don't. No matter what they say about money, family obligations, etc etc. You have the power and the choice to walk away and help them, on your own terms. You don't have to behave the way they tell you to behave or be the person they expect you to be.

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, but you can still support him without being there 24 hours a day.

I wish you all the best.

Venticoffeecup · 01/11/2014 20:25

Sorry I've cross posted with you and I misunderstood your first post.

Why can't you just ignore her and move in with your DP?

raltheraffe · 01/11/2014 20:27

You need to move out right now. What you are describing is emotional abuse. Often when parents emotionally abuse, part of this abuse is to shower praise on one sibling and treat the other like shit. I had parents like this and they gave me a nervous breakdown. One day I decided to ignore and 1 year later was discharged from psych care that I had been under all my adult life. They were making me ill and now they cannot.
If you are not working you can get housing benefit and go private rented. I got away from my parents by getting a shitty house on a shitty council estate but I am one hell of a lot happier than when I had to put up with them.

Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 20:28

Because she hates him (she is extremely irrational) and if I go and stay at his, I get abuse for the next few days. Including the fact that when we lived together, the only time mother actually bothered to come round was to tell me my dad had died.

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Hatespiders · 01/11/2014 20:28

So sorry about your dad, Swimming.
I'm bit confused here. Have you split up with your partner?
And if your flat has been repossessed due to Inheritance laws, are you forced to live with your very unpleasant mother? Could you not rent somewhere very basic for now until things are sorted out?
I imagine your mum is coping with her bereavement, so one should make allowances for that. If you lived independently of her, you could still visit regularly to support her through this time.
I'm sorry you're feeling so despondent. x

raltheraffe · 01/11/2014 20:30

At least she told you. I found out mum had died on BIL's Twitter feed.

raltheraffe · 01/11/2014 20:31

Why not just cut her off permanently, sounds like you will be losing an enemy, not a friend. Some people are just toxic

Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 20:32

Thanks raltherafe... She has made my life absolute hell, constantly compares me with my little sister, who really hasn't achieved much to be honest. I have a steady job, until she got involved I had a steady partner, got a horse etc. My dad left her because she is completely irrational, and when he died, v unexpectedly, she played the grieving widow. Pisses me off.

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Venticoffeecup · 01/11/2014 20:34

If your DP is willing for you to move in with him, I would just do it. It's your life, grab it!

She is always going to have a little bit of power over you if you are under her roof.

Hatespiders · 01/11/2014 20:36

Good gracious. If you live with your dp you get abuse? Then as you're an ad
ult, and can choose your own partner, you can refuse to listen to abuse and firmly shut the door/put down the phone. She sounds completely toxic (rather like my own mother, who was a source of misery to me until I left and refused to have any more to do with her.)
What does your dp make of all this? (only if you'd like to say)
Be strong and try to consider your own needs.

Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 20:38

Thank you all. My house was in my dad's (bless him) name, and because he died so suddenly there was no will... He had moved out from the family home a good while before. My mother refuses to understand that she is a completely irrational and difficult person, and that dad left her because of that before he literally dropped dead. I have had to move back in with her as I worry, and she absolutely hates my P, and my sister (who she is much closer to) point blank refuses to help.

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Monathevampire1 · 01/11/2014 20:39

KeepSwimming I a bit confused is dad ill or has sadly already died?

You don't have to live with your toxic mother, inheritance or otherwise. Let the precious sister step up.

BaffledSomeMore · 01/11/2014 20:40

Bloody hell. Up sticks and live your life. Your dad didn't want to live with her either then?
Life's too short for this kind of thing and she can't be vile to you if you're not there.
Get packing.

Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 20:42

Ps I was living with dp, mother never visited, belittled everything... She belittles my job, my hobbies etc. But i am financially stuck. And I can't do anything legally with out her say so... So basically I am screwed.

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MooseBeTimeForSnow · 01/11/2014 20:44

Get legal advice. If you were living in property provided by your father you might have a claim against his estate

Hatespiders · 01/11/2014 20:44

'I have had to move in with her because I worry' I'm sorry OP but I can't quite see why. What are you worried about?
Maybe your sister has more sense of self-preservation than you do.
I hope you won't let your relationship with your dp suffer, as it sounds like a good one. Maybe you should consider your priorities and put your needs first.
An abusive, critical, controlling selfish person hasn't much right to your 'help' frankly. Don't submit to moral blackmail.

Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 20:50

I have had legal advice. But doesn't help when I am stuck here with her. Any time I try and stay at dp's I get abuse the day after, and we have just this moment fallen out because was sposed to see him, but can't deal with the downfall Everytime...

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Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 20:51

Also my sister has issues, so apparently that excuses her from anything else

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Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 20:52

Ps this is the woman who forced me to have an abortion about two years ago...

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Pancakeflipper · 01/11/2014 20:53

So where is your DP living?
Cannot you not move in with him?

Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 20:54

I was living with him. Then she made life so flipping difficult after my dad died that I had to leave. And now I am stuck.

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BaffledSomeMore · 01/11/2014 20:55

Go back to dp. Tonight. Don't go back for the fall out.

Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 20:55

As in it for difficult with her having a go at his parents etc, who owned the flat etc, who also happen to love over the road from her

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