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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Doom... And more doom

95 replies

Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 20:16

Hi, sorry, I just don't know what to do. I have a good job that pays ok money, yet I have found myself in a completely shitty situation, to do with my dad dying and me having to leave my partner to move back in with my flipping mother (who hates me, and worships my sister). I have pretty much had enough of her criticism (plus she hates dp, even though I had to move out of our flat to try and help her)... Advice please.

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Pancakeflipper · 01/11/2014 20:57

I don't get why you moved out into hell? If your DP has a place go there and get the legal team to sort everything out.

Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 20:58

Meant live!!

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Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 21:01

Because she hates him, she has been very manipulative with regards to me being there... It's a long and boring story, but I had to move out after dad died because mum was making life bloody impossible. Now dp has some girl living in the second bedroom of what used to be our home... It's so flipping buggered up!

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Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 21:02

Oh and he doesn't understand why that upsets me... I realise I am being unreasonable...

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Pancakeflipper · 01/11/2014 21:05

You are 30 yrs old - start to live your life or hand it over to your mother to rule....

Come on. I think you need to step back and get away from the emotional hysteria overload so you can think clearly and logically. You cannot grieve in this mess.

Your mother seems to be the type who will hate whom ever you live with - so unless you are willing to be the thing she kicks about and abuses for the rest of her life, you really need to get living your life

Hatespiders · 01/11/2014 21:08

Yes, agree with Baffled. Go back to your dp. And cut yourself off from this abusive, controlling woman. People can only 'make your life difficult' if your let them. You have only to go nc and the abuse will stop.
You sound defeated OP but there's no need to be. Find strength within yourself and take control for your own happiness.

Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 21:15

Thank you. I know she is abusive and controlling... And it's had a really bad effect on me. She belittles me at every opportunity. Makes me feel like crap. I argue with dp over it, because she is so horrid. God forbid we conceived... Can you imagine??!

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Pancakeflipper · 01/11/2014 21:16

I am walking away from this.. don't even think about children if you have not got the determination to walk away from your mother.

Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 21:17

Sorry. And you are right. Apologies.

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Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 21:19

Think I meant that she would ignore all grandchildren if it had anything to do with dp... Or me, for that matter

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Parker231 · 01/11/2014 21:20

Why are you living with your mother and not your DP?

MexicanSpringtime · 01/11/2014 21:21

Sounds like it would be a good idea if she were to ignore your children, OP.

Please, please get away and get some counselling if possible. It sounds like you are still looking for her recognition and that is never going to happen.

Purplepixiedust · 01/11/2014 21:22

I am confused. Which house is DP living in? You say it was your home but presumably not the house that will be/has been sold to pay the inheritance tax.

Did DP need a lodger to help pay the bills? If so, and you wont move in, what do you want him to do? Did he discuss it with you at all?

Do you still consider yourselves a couple? Are you planning to live together again in the future? What is stopping you? You say you moved in to help your mum, what help does she need?

You have to stop her controlling your life. I suggest you seek legal advice as to where you stand and maybe counselling. Poor you. She sounds awful.

Pancakeflipper · 01/11/2014 21:25

Well I think ignoring you would be a good thing cos' her not ignoring you does not seem healthy.

Keep - I am sounding harsh. It just hits a nerve. I have had awful issues with my mother and taking some control of my life was the only thing that worked. Letting her get her own way and being passive nearly destroyed me.

Come on Keepswimming - it's Saturday night you should be having fun with someone who loves you.

Hatespiders · 01/11/2014 21:31

To me it seems you need counselling/therapy to help you improve your self-esteem and to show you how to become more assertive and less unstable.
It's almost as if you're addicted in some way to the abuse, which is worrying.
I'm sorry you had to have an abortion, but no-one can 'force' such a thing on another person.

Is your dp willing to have you back living with him? The lodger woman in the spare room may in all fairness be just that. You stress how nasty to you your mother is, yet you seem determined to stay there with her. I find this very odd.
It's obvious you're in quite a state and very despondent. Have you a loyal friend you can confide in in RL? And maybe your GP could help you in some way?
You can escape from the 'doom' if you try hard enough.

wobblyweebles · 01/11/2014 21:49

You really haven't explained why you can't use the 'good money' you earn to get your own place and leave your mother to it. Why exactly do you have to live with her? Other than her being abusive to you what would happen if you moved out?

maddening · 01/11/2014 21:53

Sorry I just don't understand why you had to move out if your dp is still living there? Why do you have to love with your mum?

Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 22:06

Hi, because basically after my dad died, my mother was on the war path. I've always been her least favourite child, but as I am the oldest then apparently it's ok to take it out on me. My little sister is the spitting image of my mum, therefore she gets treated with kid gloves. I take after my dad, the Irish side of the family, and according to my mum that is the most hideous thing. House related, long story, me and dp were living in a flat belonging to his parents, had to move out as mum was making my life unbearable. My house is locked on a charge until we can find out what happened to dad's will. So I am stuck.

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Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 22:08

And when I say good money, I am talking in the region of £1500 a month... In London...

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wobblyweebles · 01/11/2014 22:09

I don't understand.

How does your mum force you to live with her.

You are 30?

You have an income?

You go rent a room/flat and move out.

How exactly does she prevent this happening?

persepolis123 · 01/11/2014 22:10

But you aren't stuck. You chose to move out of the place you had with DP and in with her. How was she making your life unbearable? Why couldn't you just cut contact with her and get on with your life?

MammaTJ · 01/11/2014 22:11

Oh sweetie, you are the same age as my ex step daughter. I want to bring you to my house and hug you and tell you are worth so very much more.

Find your Dads will while you are there, then you will at least achieve something.

Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 22:11

Because London prices are obscene. And she goes nuts if I do anything like (shock horror) stay at dp's house, and if I do, tells me she is going to get me cut off from all my inheritance because I am a 'selfish, inconsiderate b**h'

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Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 22:13

Obviously, I would rather my father was still here, rather than argue about my inheritance, but she seems keen to give it all to mum sister, and none to me or my half brother...

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Original poster
Keepswimming123 · 01/11/2014 22:16

For all the people asking why I don't move out, 1 bed flats on London are about £800 a month plus bills and a deposit on top of that, and I really don't earn that much.

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