To do something a bit evil to my stupid stupid DH...

[NameChangeAnon]

Having just found flirting emails with a woman in which morning sex etc is discussed. He's doing it from his phone NOW. The laptop I'm using was going to be his but is now mine. It has his outlook loaded though and the messages pop up in a corner.

So this popped up a minute ago:

From DH

Fun sounds good......
Looking forward to giving you a hug...
And you kissing me back.....

The conversation previously started with a selfy of a woman wearing a quite nice going out dress and talk of the time in the morning the message was sent.

DH replied

You will have to think of some methods of waking me up early too then ....;) x

The woman replied

Oh I have my ways ?? don't you just love morning sex !! Xx

DH replied

You will just have to remind me.....
I can't remember the last time I had morning sex:(

The woman replied

This could possibly turn out to be a lot of fun xx

before DH sent the message that popped up

I don't think he's cheated on me. I think he's a prat. I'm sitting here eating a biscuit that DD2 (4) brought for me and drinking tea planning my next move.

Obviously I'm going to shout at him AT LENGTH at some point.

So do I do any of the following - I am a bitchy cow brazen enough to do this.

a) reply to the message chain with. Errr. Hi I'm NCA and my DH is a prat who forgets I have his laptop with his email loaded.

b) Send a friend request to her on FB. After all we have the same taste in men and friendships are based on less.

c) Reply to the text he's just sent me thanking him for taking time out of his day to converse with me rather than just

d) anything else you can recommend bearing in mind all I can find is this convo.

BTW I know that our current lack of intimacy is an issue with him. I am not all that interested in having sex and this has been the case for a few years. We have young DDS and no time to ourselves plus he works away on a regular basis (really works away rather than anything else. He would be able to sneak the odd night away if he wanted but I have his rota and his departure and arrivals home are in keeping with his hours).

So WIBU to reply to them both?

You said he might be lurking here ?

Mix56 - He's not lurking here. And I've been honest about the support I'm getting here and in RL.

MrsKoala -Are you considering a reconciliation Elfy?

I think I owe it to me to take time to work out what I want to do rather than reacting. I will only consider my own feelings, not his, not what it will look like, not the kids needing an unstable, stable marriage etc. It's all a bit headache-inducing and at the moment there are so many obstacles to overcome that I'm not sure I can be bothered.

Does he think you are thinking about it?

He's hoping I might but not holding his breath.

Do you think he could have said all those things just because he has realised you are are more serious than he first thought?

It's a very real possibility.

Was this a genuine sincere road to damascus conversion or is he pulling out the big guns just to stop you divorcing him?

Probably both. I think he's done more introspective stuff in the last few weeks than in his entire life, and he's not liking a lot of his traits.

Did he tell you his dad listed your short comings and exactly what they were 'according to his dad'?

He's taken overnight to reflect on what his father said and to realise that there are several toxic traits that his parents have tried over the years to impose on us me. His Dad basically gave his version about the wedding incident to DH as soon as he could. Ten years the bastard has been waiting to metaphorically knife me. This is not a surprise to me at all. Luckily I wasn't the one who told DH about his father all those years ago - a witness did, so my version is not up for amendment. DH is not buying his father's version, in which I was the aggressor.

I think this may have been an own goal for FIL as DH is shocked by his father dragging up the past quite so readily. He wasn't quite ready to challenge his father (he is in the middle of a marriage breakdown after all) but he did challenge his mother recently for the first time (Dunwingin was a witness to that and came in grinning to tell me).

He's not a bad person but has been a piss-poor husband. Either way our marriage goes, he needs to go for counselling to sort out himself from his upbringing and he can see that need. I will have counselling because I don;t want to be taking too much baggage forwards in my life.

Sounds like you have a lot to think about over the next 3 weeks. Hope you get some head space and make the right decision for you. Counselling sounds a good idea too.

Fil sounds not only toxic but quite bizarre. What a peculiar reaction to your son telling you he was planning a shag so his wife has separated from him - 'no wonder you did son, she did drink ale from a pint glass 10 years ago...'

I think it's a bit off tho, telling you nasty things someone (especially toxic fil) has said about you. If it were me i would say i didn't want to know anymore and leave them to it.

I think you have been so brave throughout all of this.
Whatever you decide, will obviously, be the best for you, and a very humoungosarus decision. (that sounds abit naff, I cant articulate what I mean properly) I wish you lots of luck in whatever that is.

You sound amazing and strong.. xxx

MrsKoala we'd always have shared things like that from his parents. He's needed help over the years with his understanding of human-twat and twat-human translation. Perhaps because of my nursing background I've always been able to speak understand fluent Twat. DH knows I like to have all of the facts about what people say. Needless to say FIL and I are now NC no matter the outcome

To be honest my friends and family, and DH's wider family, have soooooo many anecdotes about the PILs that that one doesn't even count as the most tactless thing said. No really! oh dear, really not really

Recently we had a kitchen fitted and the lovely man who came to fit it all together for us refused to return to finish off until DH went back to work, because he couldn't face seeing FIL again (FIL came to 'help' DH with some work). FIL was absolutely vicious in his speech mannerisms to DH. Calling him stupid, snapping at him as soon as he picked up a tool to do the work etc. I was painting in the hallway and was shaking with rage so didn't dare go into the room.

Sadly DH doesn't even hear how his father speaks to him as for him it is 'normal' But that's for the relate counsellor to pick apart.

Whooo, elfy - I posted on this thread several days ago and have just spent time catching up on where you are with things - seems like you're still on the rollercoaster with no clear end in sight.

How are you though, in yourself? Has your cough/cold etc. resolved, or are you still running a bit below par?
You're doing really well in the whole situation, I think - but it is messy and will take time to resolve.

I don't care if they're not done on here - ((((hugs)))) for you anyway. x

How are you getting on, elfycat.?

Hi,

Thank you both for asking after me

I managed 52552 words in November so that's another NaNoWriMo victory (11th). I have plans to do some serious editing in December to some long term projects. 2 uni applications under way. One the ML for my soul, the other a return to nursing course as I will not be financially dependent on a twat.

I'm well but the DDs have had dodgy tummy bugs and really bad colds. I got DD1 to school and then apologised to the teacher and took her home with me. The calpol didn't work its magic. I'm expecting the EWO letter any day. I'm quite looking forwards to recycling it along with the other junk mail.

DH has called. I reamed him out for continuing to bug me with calls & many other issues. I may have reamed him out for about 3 hours so to give him his due he stayed on the phone the whole time and I was LOUD. Luckily the new extension is off the back of the house so the DDs were asleep and out of earshot. He attempted to put some of the blame for the marriage failing on me. I explained, at length, that I was having none of it and that he had failed me at every turn and then screwed up. I will not be blamed.

His parents and sister have attempted communication. Why I have no idea. I have not picked up the calls from his parents and after 4 days (at least 12 attempts) they seem to have stopped. Then SIL sent a text asking if DD2 has received her B'day gift. I hope to pick it up from the post office tomorrow and will send an extremely short message. The reason for the curtness was the gushing drivel that ended her text with, waffling on about us working through this and becoming stronger as a couple. I don't know whether to vomit, pity her and the FOG she must live under, recommend 'stately homes', slap her really hard -possibly joking--, add her to the NC list along with her parents, or divorce her brother to avoid any more ghastly texts.

Anyway DH has left me alone unless I contact him, or there is something house related he needs to deal with. We have been polite. I did call him up on the use of language where he suggested that I get wound up by his parents - no love. ALL reasonable human beings get wound up by your parents and you've just suggested that me 'being wound up' is the problem. I will not be blamed.

I have another week before he gets back. I think the plan is to get through Xmas as best we can and then the next time he's back (mid Jan) get some relationship/ individual counselling to start working out how to do whatever we need to do to continue as a couple or end this. I've had time to reflect and he's a product of his, quite frankly abusive parents, combined with being army prat who's no longer in the army and a bit adrift. None of that need be MY problem though and I feel a bit aggrieved about it all. British understatement

Maybe I should point HIM at stately home thread...

Why are you continuing to talk to him for 3 hours?

I didn't talk to him for three hours. I mostly shouted at him for three hours.

Why? Because for one he was listening and I needed to be heard.

*once

Why? If it really is over there is nothing left to say. You are giving him the option to talk you round

Of all the things to pick up on in your post, honestly!
You're still my hero elfy I sincerely hope everything works out for you whatever you choose to do.

LOL. I've been skipping over most of bonkers posts. I'm not sure they live in the Real World where things are rarely cut and dried.

Bonkers - I'm taking my time to make the right decision for me. Not for the kids, not for DH and certainly not for random people on the internet. Most days I'm on a low simmer with tendency to boil over a bit - this person wants to march into my solicitors with the emails from day 1 and say 'let's get it done'.

But I'm going to want a lot of closure on this episode (the whole of the last 10 years) in any case. So I might as well start all of that with him, even if I don't end up with him.

I'm torn between knowing I would hate a husband who arranged extra sex and feeling sympathy for a married person continually sexually rejected for 3 years. If my relationship goes 3 weeks without I panic. If a woman posted on here that her husband refused sex for 3 years, everyone would be LTB ,sex is a right.
I first read thevthread ages ago, and pretty sure OP said no srx had been discussed but not resolved.

I have been checking to see if there was any movement here, I thought you had stopped needing to vent here (much needed venting). You sound like you are hurting but have a plan...Excellent !
You may discover when this becomes public, that he has tried it on with all his colleagues wives/your friends but nobody had the heart to tell you.
I'm only saying this as your story reminds me of a girlfriend of mine. Fortunately he didn't try it on with me (can't have been attractive enough, or known for no bullshit ?) Indeed how do you know this OW was the first ?
I get the feeling that the damage is done though, you don't sound like you want to have him in your life much, I certainly wouldn't trust Diddums again.

re the sex, I completely understand, you are tired, & not very happy, OH is self centered & non supportive, I know exactly what you feel when you fall in to bed exhausted when OH is just lying there waiting, never interested in a gentle hug & spooning, time for his release..... it's a total turn off.

Sex is a right??!!

Really?

So if your wife/husband won' put out it is okay to fuck someone else?

If you can't support elfycat I suggest you go away. Apologies for maybe speaking out of turn here elfycat but my thoughts are whether she didn't shag her husband enough or not a mature person discusses it with their partner to see if there is an issue and if it can be resolved, they don't go and plan to fuck a random - or even someone they know - person!! FFS.

's OK Itsfab off you go!

I know the lack of sex has been a problem for him but can I reiterate that it hasn't been sexless. It is now of course.

re the sex... I've just changed this paragraph. I don't have to excuse my behaviour. I am overstretched and his answer is for me to cancel the few 'me' things I do so I can concentrate on him. No. I'll do everything I need to do, some of the things I want to do and none of the things he wants to add into my day. Not while all he does is add to my pile and never take any of my load off me.

Funny how when someone this is not a comprehensive list, for the sake of brevity I'll stick with a few points runs you down, pays backhanded compliments, makes you feel like a drain on their resources while sucking the joy out of your life, sulks to win arguments, whines about lack of sex (attractively of course), never takes an ill or awake child, takes all lie-in opportunities so I get up 2 hours before him and then sulks if I try to have an early night (you know unless... as a hint), allows his family to put me in my place and generally leaves me to do all of the work while he takes 'holidays' that your sex life (amongst other things) suffers. And I have raised all of the above several times over many years, and especially in the last two.

Elfy I think I love you

You have put up with a ridiculous amount - the time for you and the time for change has come!

Mix56 I'm pretty sure he hasn't been pestering any female friends/ wives of colleagues. All of my friends/ school mums etc have been jaw-dropping-unbelievers that our marriage isn't rock solid.

Everyone has looked at me in disbelief and asked if I'm joking.

I have the truth from him. He is really crap at lying and I've asked directly for the truth of what he's up to. If you knew him you'd know that he really cannot directly lie, only but omission and not bringing the subject up.

elfycat - you don't have to justify your marriage to anyone let alone random people on here, but now that you have explained more, anyone who dares to say it is partly your fault really needs to take a look at themselves and their relationship as you have put up with far more for far too long than many people would. You accidentally married a twat who hasn't grown up. Not giving him enough time - flirts with the neighbour. Not giving him enough sex - sleeps with neighbour. He puts himself before you which is bad enough but to put himself before his children is unforgivable.

elfy, re your PP, of 20.59, Yes as I said I do know. Snap !

PP of 20.59 was aimed at Flimflammer's level of stupidity. Sex as a right is a concept that disgusts me.

My rights were (as per the contract) to be loved and cherished, including 'in sickness' which pretty much describes my spring and summer. Oh and there's a bit about forsaking all others he could have revised.

Not be an accessory to his life (including sex aid).

Totally with you on that