To do something a bit evil to my stupid stupid DH...

[NameChangeAnon]

Having just found flirting emails with a woman in which morning sex etc is discussed. He's doing it from his phone NOW. The laptop I'm using was going to be his but is now mine. It has his outlook loaded though and the messages pop up in a corner.

So this popped up a minute ago:

From DH

Fun sounds good......
Looking forward to giving you a hug...
And you kissing me back.....

The conversation previously started with a selfy of a woman wearing a quite nice going out dress and talk of the time in the morning the message was sent.

DH replied

You will have to think of some methods of waking me up early too then ....;) x

The woman replied

Oh I have my ways ?? don't you just love morning sex !! Xx

DH replied

You will just have to remind me.....
I can't remember the last time I had morning sex:(

The woman replied

This could possibly turn out to be a lot of fun xx

before DH sent the message that popped up

I don't think he's cheated on me. I think he's a prat. I'm sitting here eating a biscuit that DD2 (4) brought for me and drinking tea planning my next move.

Obviously I'm going to shout at him AT LENGTH at some point.

So do I do any of the following - I am a bitchy cow brazen enough to do this.

a) reply to the message chain with. Errr. Hi I'm NCA and my DH is a prat who forgets I have his laptop with his email loaded.

b) Send a friend request to her on FB. After all we have the same taste in men and friendships are based on less.

c) Reply to the text he's just sent me thanking him for taking time out of his day to converse with me rather than just

d) anything else you can recommend bearing in mind all I can find is this convo.

BTW I know that our current lack of intimacy is an issue with him. I am not all that interested in having sex and this has been the case for a few years. We have young DDS and no time to ourselves plus he works away on a regular basis (really works away rather than anything else. He would be able to sneak the odd night away if he wanted but I have his rota and his departure and arrivals home are in keeping with his hours).

So WIBU to reply to them both?

Wow, just caught up on the whole of this thread and honestly take my hat off to how strong you have been in handling this!

I found myself in a similar situation a few years back with ex via fb messages with a "family friend". His fb was logged in on laptop that I was on & they were messaging back & forwards unaware that I was able to see the whole thing. It came to a blow when her last message was
"Going to bed now, leave me a nice message to wake up to xx"

The bitch must of shit herself when she went on facebook the next morning and had a message from yours truly letting her know I knew all about their little flirty messages and had forward them on to her dbf. As for him.... He was sent packing too! The cheating bastard that he was.

It seems I'm wandering around the house, trying to keep things on an even keel so that the DDs are happy and unaware.

He's wandering around the house thinking that as long as I'm not shouting at him maybe things are OKish. He's taken onboard some of my gripes from the last couple of years and is actively working to resolve them.

Twat

I've explained it to him, again. In an ideal world I'd have packed up my stuff and gone. We'd be sorting this out from afar and with an obvious marital separation. I don't think he's told his parents (he has told his sister). I've just told my parents (they were on holiday) and they're gutted but not overly surprised. DM was asking if it could be worked on, at least until I told her about him joining Plenty Of Fish when she sighed.

There's only another week until he goes away to work for 3 weeks. Of course when he gets back it Xmas and he's just about fucked that up for us all. Goodness knows what we will be doing. Technically it's Xmas with my family (meal out booked and paid for) followed by going away for a few days (room and meals paid for, tickets to theme park paid for etc). Problem is he's worked the last 2 and will work the next 2. Yet another dilemma caused by his idiocy.

What's the dilemma? You and the girls go as planned and he can sort himself out, surely? Your kids are used to not seeing him at Christmas and this will be no different - even if you could stomach playing happy families with him for their sake, your whole family pretending that everything's fine will be weird and strained and not as much fun as if you take the kids and enjoy a taste of what the single life will be like.

Plus he will have the chance to really reflect on what he has done and quite how massively he has fucked up and perhaps develop a smidgen of contrition over the way he has treated you and your girls. Don't forget - he wasn't just planning to cheat on you, it was his whole family that he was betraying when he sent those messages so why should he get to have a family Christmas with the people he was so casually going to toss aside for a cheap thrill on a weekend away?

Also, you have been being a pillar of strength for god only knows how long, before this all even started, so you should be able to be yourself with your family, whatever that means for you by then - tears, swearing, sharing the things that you haven't mentioned before because you were trying to hold things together, editing your NaNoWriMo work or just talking about ANYTHING other than the crap he has put you through. Let them love you and take some of the strain off and don't let him guilt you into a situation which will just delay the inevitable whilst prolonging your suffering and ameliorating his.

(Or, you know - do whatever you want! I'm so angry on your behalf that it seems like a no-brainer to me but it's easy when I am just typing into a screen. You seem to be handling this all pretty well, so although everything above sounds like a diktat from on high, it's just the advice I would give to any friend who was in your position .)

I am sorry if I have missed something but why is anything a dilemma if you have decided to split up?

You sound so worn down by this pillock. Where has the strong, confident woman gone?

At some point the kids will have to know. Don't be forced into playing happy families. If you don't want to spoil christmas you can fudge it until afterwards. They are used to him being away. But don't be forced into spending the day with him.

Keep strong. You are sending mixed messages to him at the moment. I'm not surprised he thinks he's still got a chance. Don't spend Xmas with him. Don't even think about going away with him. He has to get the message. The kids will have to know eventually.
Perhaps tell them before he goes away next week?

Make sure that when he goes next week then that is it. It's over. Don't let him move back in on the next leave. If you can't sort that out, then it's really not over. I think you are wavering otherwise you would have sorted all that out by now. Either it is over or it is not.

NCA, you are being too nice. I have been lurking here, but as you say, you would have already moved out if it was possible, so why are you playing with the notion of happy family Xmas ?
It's not even thinkable, it will be purgatory for you, & misery for the rest of your family. Also, the kids will pick up on something believe me.
You do Xmas with your kids & your family, as planned, & he does Boxing day with the kids at his parents. No discussion.
His parents need to know now, he's not telling them because he's hoping to brush this unfortunate error (!) under YOUR carpet.
The trip afterwards, he can take them (If he is up to it, smirk ).....you can't go. Too bad for the money. Too bad for the following Xmases.
You cannot live in the same house, its giving all the wrong signals...
Plus, it means that he has a nice cosy home to return too, with none of the responsibility, while he is even More likely to be finding a shag a gogo, because, after all, haven't you told decided its over ?!
heyhey a win win situation for him.
He has to move out.
It's time to Stop being so brilliant & get serious my Lovely.

When did he join Plenty of Fish? Gather that is a dating site? (sorry I have RTT but seem to have missed that bit!)

It is a dating site. It's one of the worse ones and quite often known as plenty of shags or plenty of freaks.

Op. You have told your parents. He needs to tell his.

Can I ask why you haven't told the children and how do you think you will manage to divorce without telling them?

You have to tell them. But you haven't as you are stalling. .same as him not telling his parents. Same as the Xmas plans.

I know it's really hard. I can remember trying to hold out for xmas. In the end it became so unbearable that I ended it 5 days before Xmas. I tried to do the right thing. Still had his parents over Xmas eve, though they knew what had happened. He wasn't really interested and just came over for dinner and stayed an hour or two on Xmas day. I headed to my families in tears on boxing day.

The whole thing was a farce. Dd did not benefit at all.

I regret it.

Remember way back on the thread your mutual friends said we're your messages ambiguous, as they know what he is like. Right now you couldn't be sending more mixed messages if you tried..

Go back, read the thread. Your thread. Talk to your friends. Get some support.

Op. You need to remember, he actively joined a dating site, seeking out casual sex with strangers.

He was going to go away for a week with a extra marital shah on the way.

He didn't care about your or your d's then. He hasn't done since with how he trampled over your reasonable requests.

Why does he get the joy of all that had been planned when he can't even respect your marriage enough not to stick his cock in another woman.

OK. I admit that I lived something similar, only in reverse, my bf wanted to end relationship, I hang on for months believing/desperately dreaming he would change his mind. (I wasn't looking elsewhere however)
I know I would have taken him back IF, IF he had repented.
So, what I am saying is, your H messed up, its not obligatorily terminal, however, has he even said sorry? shown regret? remorse? said he'd do "anything" to fix it ? it doesn't sound like it. He doesn't sound even vaguely contrite. Its all about sulky boy.
Your marriage appeared to be hanging on a thread anyway, your friends appear to think he's a jerk, & only respected you too much to tell you.
If he won't tell his parents, you must..... if you have burnt that bridge

Clearly she isn't going to leave him. It was obvious from the 1st post!

We had a row chat last night. Today we have cancelled all joint financial stuff - well he did while I was out trying to purchase DD2's birthday gift and the CC didn't work. He pointed out that I said it would need doing.

Yes dear, but not with me having about £3.00 in my purse, a cc in my name (thank goodness) and no income strand to pay it off. It's yet another cliche too boring to put into my novel (only behind by a tiny bit).

Anyway I'm filling out forms, calling up people and generally doing one small thing at a time to sort out my financial position. If I plod at it then it will get done eventually. I told him to call his mortgage provider as I've sent off the land registry marital home paperwork. He's driven off to who knows where (the sulking again). It's usually tesco's car park.

Thank goodness the food order went through before he cancelled that cc. On the bright side I have bailey cream to go with chocolate ice cream.

I have a school-gate friend who used to work for a solicitor that does family stuff. As she's no longer working for them I'll ask her who the best for separation and divorce is locally.

Mix56 - the trip away between Xmas and the new year is with my sisters. He REALLY wouldn't want to be the one to take them. Well we went without him last year and it was fine.

Vintagecrap - yes I know the messages were mixed. I am all a bit fuzzy at times. Sometimes I just want the situation to go away and not to have happened and it comes out. Xmas together was cancelled last night. I'll tell the children tonight, and the school tomorrow. DD1 knows that Mummy and Daddy are having trouble being friends.

Xpost youareall I think.

Well done for being so very dignified, & dealing with this vile situation, you have been a brilliant example xxx
Best of luck

If she were going to leave she would go to a solicitor and get an court order to remove him from the house and an emergency maintenance order so she has money to live on.

Well if dignified is shouting at him, bringing up every last example of his twattish behaviour in the past, blanking his attempts to do the same with shouting that I'm not the one who was planning a shag. Pointing out that he's still trying to minimise his actions and thinking of himself.

Then yes I've been very dignified

youareall... shush now...

Well, sounds pretty dignified to me, considering the circumstances!

Things have a way of coming to a head, and now they have. It was a twattish thing he did and just for pure spite, separating the finances without telling you! Very 'if you won't play my way, I'll take my ball and go straight home!" of him! Wanker!

IIRC, he's in the forces, yes? I can't remember if he's active or former. If he's active, is there a family support office?

Well to be fair I did point out to him last night that if he wouldn't accept that the marriage was over without us having to take steps - then steps would need to be taken. Joint account closed, piggy-back credit cards cancelled etc.

But it was the way his cc was cut up and left where I would find it that made me feel like he was asserting his 'power'. Of course I had my suspicions when the cc failed while shopping. But I'd only popped out on the school run FGS. Of course THIS is all my fault too

So he's gone for a sulk. I don't know where or for how long. Typical. He's got the car with the kids seats in them and I have swimming lessons to take them to. We can walk (I'll take the pushchair. DD2 isn't quite 4 and it's a mile and a half each way. Or DD1 was off sick the last 2 days and might be feeling shattered after swimming. Plus I'm not carrying school bags/my bags/ swimming bags. Gotta love the emergency pushchair).

He's ex-forces. Of course I can go to SAAFA if things go even more pear-shaped in my life.

Glad you've cancelled Christmas. Enjoy your new version, it'll be much nicer.

call a cab for swimming.

I'd be tempted to say "we can't go swimming because Daddy has the car" but, then, that'd be not-very-nice.

DoJo has it right: don't let him guilt you into a situation which will just delay the inevitable whilst prolonging your suffering and ameliorating his. Keep this in mind in the days and weeks to come.

shouting at him, bringing up every last example of his twattish behaviour in the past, blanking his attempts to do the same with shouting that I'm not the one who was planning a shag. Pointing out that he's still trying to minimise his actions and thinking of himself.

Hurrah! That's EXACTLY what you needed to do.

Well done elfy It needed to come to a head. Perhaps it would be better if he moved out tonight, now the ball is rolling? You've both been in limbo for far too long. You can start the healing process as soon as he's moved out and you've told the kids. Onwards and upwards as they say , as soon as you've overcome the final hurdles.