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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do something a bit evil to my stupid stupid DH...

876 replies

NameChangeAnon · 29/10/2014 16:37

Having just found flirting emails with a woman in which morning sex etc is discussed. He's doing it from his phone NOW. The laptop I'm using was going to be his but is now mine. It has his outlook loaded though and the messages pop up in a corner.

So this popped up a minute ago:

From DH

Fun sounds good......
Looking forward to giving you a hug...
And you kissing me back.....

The conversation previously started with a selfy of a woman wearing a quite nice going out dress and talk of the time in the morning the message was sent.

DH replied

You will have to think of some methods of waking me up early too then ....;) x

The woman replied

Oh I have my ways ?? don't you just love morning sex !! Xx

DH replied

You will just have to remind me.....
I can't remember the last time I had morning sex:(

The woman replied

This could possibly turn out to be a lot of fun xx

before DH sent the message that popped up

I don't think he's cheated on me. I think he's a prat. I'm sitting here eating a biscuit that DD2 (4) brought for me and drinking tea planning my next move.

Obviously I'm going to shout at him AT LENGTH at some point.

So do I do any of the following - I am a bitchy cow brazen enough to do this.

a) reply to the message chain with. Errr. Hi I'm NCA and my DH is a prat who forgets I have his laptop with his email loaded.

b) Send a friend request to her on FB. After all we have the same taste in men and friendships are based on less.

c) Reply to the text he's just sent me thanking him for taking time out of his day to converse with me rather than just

d) anything else you can recommend bearing in mind all I can find is this convo.

BTW I know that our current lack of intimacy is an issue with him. I am not all that interested in having sex and this has been the case for a few years. We have young DDS and no time to ourselves plus he works away on a regular basis (really works away rather than anything else. He would be able to sneak the odd night away if he wanted but I have his rota and his departure and arrivals home are in keeping with his hours).

So WIBU to reply to them both?

OP posts:
mix56 · 13/11/2014 15:43

just ring him & tell him he has to collect the kids & take them to swimming.
He is not working, he has the blasted kids seats....He is waiting for you to call & say you need the car.......
MANIPULATING b........d

mix56 · 13/11/2014 15:54

livid now, better still call him & tell him while he's out to buy 2 new car seats as after all, he will be needing them if he intends to see his children

youareallbonkers · 13/11/2014 16:02

I'm just saying...another 2 weeks of this post and others will be thinking the same as me.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/11/2014 16:07

You are wrong, bonkers. Most of us realize that people move towards separation and divorce at their own pace. It may be slower than you would move, but it's still movement.

If you can't be helpful and encouraging……………..

Vintagecrap · 13/11/2014 17:40

I remember when my ex husband did the same but with the debit card.

Cock.

It's good you rowed. It's good you cancelled xmas and it would be good to keep this ball rolling.

He is a shit taking the car and leaving you to manage, bit then he has been a shit all along, so nothing has changed.

Best advice is to call tax credits. You can set up a claim as being separated even if you are in the same house. Call ASAP and explain you have no money and they will fast track this for you. Do not get it paid into a joint account and do not tell him.

I think it's obvious that this is hard for you and that you are reluctant to leave/end things. That you hope it will all be ok but then your emotions and his arse behavior come roaring to a head. And then you calm down and limp along for a but till it bubbles up again. But, please don't waste your life like this..This, right now, is the worst bit.
Once you start telling people, putting the wheels in motion, it all starts getting easier. I can promise you, as can lots of women who have been here before.

Maybe, if you want advice with practically separating and a bit of emotional support, a thread in relationships might be a good idea.

Tallypet · 13/11/2014 20:33

bonkers are you trying to help in a weird reverse psychology way? You don't seem to have anything useful interesting to add to this situation. Does it make you feel superior insulting a woman going through a particularly hard time with a life changing decision to make. A decision affecting her and her DDs. A decision that is bloody difficult? Life must be great in your black and-white world.

If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all.

saffronwblue · 13/11/2014 22:53

Well done elfy.

MillionToOneChances · 13/11/2014 23:08

*Well if dignified is shouting at him, bringing up every last example of his twattish behaviour in the past, blanking his attempts to do the same with shouting that I'm not the one who was planning a shag. Pointing out that he's still trying to minimise his actions and thinking of himself.

Then yes I've been very dignified Grin*

As ever, you rock Grin

elfycat · 14/11/2014 11:26

Tallypet thank you. Flowers I am of course ignoring bonkers.

Even if I suddenly turned into 'but I luffs him' doormat (I suspect Dunwingin would give me a RL slap) that would be my choice but wherever this marriage goes this thread has helped me immensely. For starters my personal ear-worm theme tune is 'Everything is awesome' which I use to remind me that I am and am allowed to be and my life will remain to be awesome.

In other good news it seems that my misogynistic, bullying FIL has been on tenterhooks around me for years as I'm a difficult person. One if my life's purposes has been realised.

MillionToOneChances · 14/11/2014 13:20

So he's branched out into 'everyone always hated you anyway, you're the problem here'?! Bless, I suppose it's one approach.

Itsfab · 14/11/2014 13:28

Poor FIL Hmm.

Have you felt horrible around him? Sad

You ARE awesome Grin.

elfycat · 14/11/2014 15:51

FIL had a strop on our wedding day because I didn't follow his instructions to get a more ladylike drink out of a more ladylike glass (I'd bought the real ale. DH and I used to volunteer at beer festivals pre-DDs). When I fail to follow his instructions he had a mega-go at me telling me I wasn't welcome in his family.

Females in his family are obviously easily cowed. DH backed me up despite his father calling me names and insisting I was lying ( it was witnessed ). Months of NC later SIL suggested I could offer an apology to break the ice (WTF?) but then decided she was more scared of me than her father.

Sadly I let the NC slip, though I never received an apology. I honestly think he would drop dead if he tried. However I have probably been a thorn in his side [ grin] I hope so anyway.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/11/2014 16:07

So it sounds as if you'll lose more than one millstone from around your neck in all this, elfy. FiL sounds a real prat and DH appears not to have fallen very far from that particular tree. It's funny, but I've seen it before. A chap with an old fart for a dad seems to be a lovely chap. But after a while they get tired of playing 'Mr Nice Guy' to hold on to their wives/gfs (or they begin to feel that they have them secure) and then the real them (aka their dad) seems to emerge.

My granny told me once that if you want to see how a man will treat you when you get old, look at how his father treats his mother. I think more true for previous generations, but still an indicator. Especially if your man doesn't remark on it or interfere when his dad mistreats his mother.

MrsKoala · 14/11/2014 18:36

Christ, your FIL sounds a right dick. As does your H. I'm sorry this has happened to you, you seem so lovely. I'm following and cheering for you.

elfycat · 14/11/2014 19:08

Actually I suspect his mother is the power in that relationship. It's all decidedly odd.

HollyCarrot · 14/11/2014 22:13

Elfy,

Firstly, can I say how amazed I am at your fortitude and strength (same thing twice?)

Secondly, and the reason I am posting, is your daughters. I am the the child of a dysfunctional family. The dysfunction was caused by my 'dad', who sounds a helluva lot like your 'D'H. Namely - a narcissistic little pig who never got past the toddler mentality. My dad differed in that he was physically violent and also killed someone while I was in the womb. My mum stayed with him.

She stayed for 32 years. The damage inflicted on myself and my siblings is literally immeasurable. I understand that she made the best decision she could at the time, but I also wish she had left when I was little.

Altho your husband is not physically violent, the emotional abuse and possible narcissism is evident. Please do not subject your beautiful daughters to this, it will only harm them. I have not yet begun to unravel what I have been through as a child and I worry for my own beautiful daughter and what I might subconsciously pass on to her.

Wish you the very best in all you do, you are SUPER!

Momagain1 · 14/11/2014 22:19

Holly: I am sorry you suffered that. Your awareness will be making a difference for your DDs.

HollyCarrot · 14/11/2014 22:26

Mom - genuinely thank you for that. I worry every day that I am not enough for her. And the logical part of me knows this is because of the surroundings I was brought up in. Children need a happy, loving home. Or homes. But not parents pretending and thinking their kids won't notice.

FWIW - I don't think Elfy will do that. She is one strong woman!

mix56 · 17/11/2014 08:27

Elfy, How di how did your w/e go ? Is he still in denial ? did he tell his parents? is this going to be misery with him making each step as painful as he can ? or take it like a man (he was planning to be with the OW )
I hope you are OK, with all the ups & downs & doubts & regrets & sadness & fury that will all inevitably come your way
it will get better

elfycat · 17/11/2014 16:30

The weekend was busy. I went to London on Saturday and then I had a NaNoWriMo think to do on Sunday. DD2 was quite poorly (flu-ey and vomiting) so I left him to it during the days but she wanted to vomit all over snuggle up to me at night.

I think he's realised that he's done a lot more taking me for granted than he had been not thinking. He agreed that how thinks look to other people had been more important than what actually is which includes some instances where he has been emotionally neglectful. He agrees that I have been his only hobby and pastime and that he had treated my like a utility item (kettle? toaster? washing machine?) instead of an individual with my own interests. He can see that I spend all of my time supporting him/the kids/ other people including emotionally but that I receive nothing in return from him except more demands.

He can see that I am stretched thin with no capacity to take on more every now and again I try to do a bit too much and it all fails until I ditch something and that the lack-of-sex thing might be a result of the absolute exhaustion at the end of every day, beginning of every day and the middle of each day.

He's also seen a solicitor and between us have an idea of how assets would be split. I come out with more, and financial support. In monetary terms (ie something concrete he understands) he understands my worth in this relationship.

Not bad for a toaster.

He's told his parents and sister about the date he had set up. His mother refused to talk to him for a few days. His father took no time to point out my flaws. DH has been told by me that he is the guardian of my reputation, especially where inappropriate things may be said in front of the DDs. If he fails in that there will be consequences.

We're getting on OK in the house now. He's realised that he has absolutely no power over me. He's now waiting for me to decide what I want to do. He'll be going in 2 days which will give me 3 weeks of peace.

MillionToOneChances · 17/11/2014 18:33

Sounds like it's going as well as you could hope for at this point. How do you feel about it all?

MrsHathaway · 17/11/2014 18:46

Wow. He's said a lot (and yay for MIL).

But has he done anything?

Good luck for your three weeks. It will be interesting to see if you miss him. My guess is that none of you will.

Clutterbugsmum · 18/11/2014 07:20

He's told his parents and sister about the date he had set up. His mother refused to talk to him for a few days. His father took no time to point out my flaws. So he learned his behaviour from his dad then. His parent reaction tells you a lot about them doesn't it.

mix56 · 18/11/2014 10:39

I say you should see your own solicitor while he is away, you shouldn't have the same one.
Sorry, dare I suggest it may not be as straight forward as you might hope.....better to be ready to fight, he is probably still expecting it all to settle down & for you to be beaten as usual

MrsKoala · 18/11/2014 11:24

He's now waiting for me to decide what I want to do. He'll be going in 2 days which will give me 3 weeks of peace.

Are you considering a reconciliation Elfy? Does he think you are thinking about it? Do you think he could have said all those things just because he has realised you are are more serious than he first thought? Was this a genuine sincere road to damascus conversion or is he pulling out the big guns just to stop you divorcing him? Did he tell you his dad listed your short comings and exactly what they were 'according to his dad'?