To do something a bit evil to my stupid stupid DH...

[NameChangeAnon]

Having just found flirting emails with a woman in which morning sex etc is discussed. He's doing it from his phone NOW. The laptop I'm using was going to be his but is now mine. It has his outlook loaded though and the messages pop up in a corner.

So this popped up a minute ago:

From DH

Fun sounds good......
Looking forward to giving you a hug...
And you kissing me back.....

The conversation previously started with a selfy of a woman wearing a quite nice going out dress and talk of the time in the morning the message was sent.

DH replied

You will have to think of some methods of waking me up early too then ....;) x

The woman replied

Oh I have my ways ?? don't you just love morning sex !! Xx

DH replied

You will just have to remind me.....
I can't remember the last time I had morning sex:(

The woman replied

This could possibly turn out to be a lot of fun xx

before DH sent the message that popped up

I don't think he's cheated on me. I think he's a prat. I'm sitting here eating a biscuit that DD2 (4) brought for me and drinking tea planning my next move.

Obviously I'm going to shout at him AT LENGTH at some point.

So do I do any of the following - I am a bitchy cow brazen enough to do this.

a) reply to the message chain with. Errr. Hi I'm NCA and my DH is a prat who forgets I have his laptop with his email loaded.

b) Send a friend request to her on FB. After all we have the same taste in men and friendships are based on less.

c) Reply to the text he's just sent me thanking him for taking time out of his day to converse with me rather than just

d) anything else you can recommend bearing in mind all I can find is this convo.

BTW I know that our current lack of intimacy is an issue with him. I am not all that interested in having sex and this has been the case for a few years. We have young DDS and no time to ourselves plus he works away on a regular basis (really works away rather than anything else. He would be able to sneak the odd night away if he wanted but I have his rota and his departure and arrivals home are in keeping with his hours).

So WIBU to reply to them both?

Oh OP, I'm sorry, this man is a grade-A cuntbucket. I hope you are okay and I hope you are getting to enjoy doing your nanowrimo too.

How are things

I've been busy with the kids being at school-stuff, my writing-stuff and general research about marriage-ending-stuff.

He's been away all week on a course. Arriving home very late this afternoon. I've been sorting out our rooms but will need him to help shift bigger furniture.

I'd told him he could call to speak with the children and last night he suggested that we could hire our babysitter and go and see a film.

I told him to stop dismissing what I want, to stop minimising the damage done and to face up to the new reality. I am not the person he goes out on dates with.

WA said that while there are some emotional abuse issues but the marriage wouldn't necessarily be seen overall as abusive. The power balance is wrong creating the abusive situation but it could be otherwise resolvable. They suggested that relationship counselling may help us to split more amicably than would be the case if I went for the 'Unreasonable Behaviour' clause, especially as contact will remain because of the DDs.

They did say that if the counselling/ mediation became his platform then I should go straight to a solicitor.

Well done elfycat
Wishing you all the best.

Go out to see a film! Not even somewhere that you can talk and discuss how to move forward from here? He really doesn't get it does he? It sounds as though you need to decide whether you want to go to counselling rather than deciding whether you want to agree to his request that you attend, although you sound as though you are giving it to him pretty straight over all this so hopefully he will realise that this is not something he can talk his way out of!

WA said that while there are some emotional abuse issues but the marriage wouldn't necessarily be seen overall as abusive. The power balance is wrong creating the abusive situation but it could be otherwise resolvable. They suggested that relationship counselling may help us to split more amicably than would be the case if I went for the 'Unreasonable Behaviour' clause, especially as contact will remain because of the DDs.

• but but but - what about the potential shagging around? It's either 'Unreasonable Behaviour' or 'Adultery' ???

Well of course it is captainmummy but it's not really a Women's Aid level of unreasonable behaviour issue. I'm not in need of their services unless things deteriorate.

He can probably mount a fair unreasonable behaviour argument about me if he wanted. After 10 years of marriage, 5+ years of child care, neither of us have been perfect at times. I'm highly strung

I don't want to get into a legal slagging off match with him. I want him to just let the marriage go. He's clearly not happy. I'm fed up, but was hanging in there waiting for things to calm down (this year has been manic. I was ill and breathless all spring asthma for the first time, blackouts, unable to walk the school run, coughing all night . I finished off my OU degree exam at home as the breathing issues were that bad . We've done a large extension, for which I've project managed a lot and done hard labour not kidding, the builder was stunned but DH was away and it needed doing to save a lot of money )

Ah well.

Well, maybe not WA-needed. But divorce these days doesn't need 'blame' to be apportioned. He can come back at you with UB, but contesting your UB will just cause the costs to be ramped up.

No-one really cares whether he's been shagging about (apart from you of course ) in a divorce court. If the marriage has broken down, and you (or he, if he wants) can cite UB examples (ie the texts: - I cited my exH putting work first and not his wife or dc) then you can and will get divorced. He can't come back from your petition saying 'well she was Unreasonable too! Stop the divorce, she's just as bad!)

You do need legal advice. Get the finances sorted.

He is an absolute arse, and he is in complete denial. It's going to have to be you, all the way now.

His last marriage was ended with him being cited for 'unreasonable behaviour'. To be fair he could have come back at her for 'Adultery' and 'Domestic violence' but his solicitor told him it didn't matter and to let it go and get shot of her. So I don't care if he gets in there first...

Every time I think of all the crap that's coming I feel a bit overwhelmed and want it to go away. There's no time, with the DD,s to slink into a corner and lick my wounds so I'm plodding on one bit at a time. Just printed the form from Land registry to put an interest on the house (his name). Will fill that in and send it off on the school run.

'Unreasonable Behaviour' is what YOU decide it is for you, not WA's definition. And I'd say him ignoring his own bad behaviour and expecting you to just carry on as if nothing happened is certainly unreasonable! I'd say it's even bullying to not allow someone to feel their own feelings! And if the 'balance of power' is off and he uses that for his own ends, then that's doubly bullying! And that IS abuse! Abuse isn't always shouting, name calling, or hitting. Sometimes it's just ignoring your needs and applying insidious pressure to 'conform' to what the abuser wants.

Consult a solicitor. Only they can tell you where you stand, legally, and what you can expect. No one can keep you in a marriage that you no longer want to be in. But you do need to know how to get out of that marriage and how long it will take.

It doesn't matter. A friend spent £15k trying to get his DW to admit adultery in the divorce; in the end he went for UB. She then admitted an affair...

Across is right - no-one cares, really, what the UB is/was; if it's unreasonable to you, then that is enough. It just needs to be more that 'leaves the top off the toothpaste'.

Def get legal advice - esp with regard to the house. You should find that you can stay there until the dc are no longer in education.

Good luck.

The thing about Unreasonable Behaviour is anyone can think up some intolerable behaviours of their partner's. That's the point of it :) You're basically saying "I don't want tobe married to this person any more, and I can give you three reasons why." I let XH divorce me for UB, as he rejected the reasons I put in my petition. It doesn't matter, as long as it gets the job done.

This is why there are so many divorces for ostensibly trivial causes, like cooking fish every week and parking the car in the wrong place - both parties have to agree the marriage has broken down, and sign for the stated reasons. If your STBX is being a complete arse about signing for any serious unreasonableness, it's more practical to put reasons they will sign for.

With Adultery you have to have actual proof, unless the partner agrees to it.
www.mylawyer.co.uk/grounds-for-divorce-separation-a-A76048D77326/

I let my Exh divorce me for unreasonable behaviour because he qualified for legal aid and I didn't.

I had actually physically caught him cheating in MY bed and yet he said he would contest it as it wouldn't cost him anything with the legal aid and he'd make me spend my last penny on solicitors!!

I couldn't be arsed so I simply said, fine

On another note I never received a single penny in maintenance even though my DS was only 5 when it happened (he's now 22)

Not bothered by any of the above in the slightest as I was so incredibly happy to just be rid of him!

He's due back anytime now. I've moved out of the main bedroom. I quite like the room downstairs and I was thinking about the funk-shui. Like feng-shui but with one person sulking round the house it'll be better if he's not confined to downstairs. In any case he's virtually oustead me from the wardrobe by sheer volume of clothing. All I need is a chest of drawers moving.

Can I throw away all of the ridiculous, uncomfortable 'sexy' nightwear now? The stuff he whines on about me wearing to spice up our sex life. I find whining such a turn on. So the underwear can go? Excellent!

He's now working tomorrow, while the DDs would be at school/ childcare. His company were desperate and he's the only one that can go in, it's in the nearest town too. But there goes conversation time.

Yes, the underwear can go.

Bit random - but is this man a sulker? It's how he comes across but I may be projecting.

Don't throw it out, burn it! You'll find that it makes a lovely fire. I wouldn't toast marshmallows on it though. All that synthetic material may give off nasty fumes.

Bring on the comfy flannel pjs and the stretchy sweatpants & T shirts! Funny how they want us tatted up in scratchy lace and non-breathing synthetics, but they always wear cotton & flannel.

CruCru oh yes to the sulk. Refusing to engage or apologise is a way if life. He does something wrong- he sulks. He does something nasty - he walked off and never ever says sorry. I don't have sex and he whines. Nice huh. I'm going to have a lot of sulking in the next few weeks. Anyway he just got home.

Honestly, it sounds as though you are only just realising how much of a git he is - even if he hadn't been such a dick with this other woman, it sounds as though you would have been perfectly reasonable to LTB for his appalling behaviour on other fronts.

Good luck.

Stay strong.

even if he hadn't been such a dick with this other woman, it sounds as though you would have been perfectly reasonable to LTB for his appalling behaviour on other fronts.

YYY to this elfy. You must have been tiptoeing round minefields for years :(

Well I think he gets that he's a prat. And that my default position is that we're all done now. It was probably the first of many conversations where he needs to realise I am serious and he's not the injured party.

Elfy you are sounding very determined that the marriage is over. I guess you 'just' have to convey that determination and clarity over to him. Certainly sounds as if it is not going to be fixed by going to a movie. I love your gallows humour about it all!

Maybe I am just because I started reading this thread when you were NCA and are now elfy and I didn't know you before but you sound different in your elfy name.

I really hope you are okay and have all the professional advice and support you need and are safe.

LOL Itsfab. shall I go back to NCA? It's only a click away and between this and the writing I have no time to browse my usual corners of MN.

Let's vote!

To be honest I'm possibly a little flatter and less angry. The humour which I used as a defence and a prop is leaching away. I feel tired.

Yeah, elfy - you're just not funny anymore

I know what itsfab means though, but I guess it's to be expected - enormity of situation slowly dawning I imagine.

I still don't think it's a good idea for him to be staying with you, but that's just my opinion. Perhaps your resolve is superhuman! x