"Boys will be boys"

[Amber76]

to think that the above is not an excuse for rough behaviour?

I have a 4 year old girl and an 18 month old boy. So far I've noticed little difference in the way they are and how they play. They've never wrestled each other but maybe he's a bit young. But I have never seen my girl try to wrestle another child - its just not something that has come up so far.

But we have a friend who has two young boys who are constantly play fighting and it can get very rough (things being knocked over in the house, my kids getting bumped into, etc.). They are constantly trying to kick or hit each other. My friend explains the very boisterous behaviour by just saying that all boys are like that. I don't agree and think it is a lazy excuse for bad behaviour. But I've also heard the same line trotted out at play groups and at birthday parties in relation to boys play fighting and trying to "kill" each other.

I am pregnant again and suspect it is a boy so am I going to have two little boys constantly wrestling each other for the next few years? Is this inevitable?!

Lots of children like to play fight, the majority of them are boys. I've worked with children for a long time, and IMO it's just nonsense to think that children wrestling is down to a lack of parenting.

I have one of each gender and they wrestle and fight continuously, fed up with it.

I agree that lots of children play fight- but I am not convinced it is a good thing.

Inevitably it goes too far and turns to hurt and upset, and usually ends up with unpleasantness.

There's no such thing as playfighting that is not mutual IMO

Agree.

Do you have boys or girls BigBlue - out of interest?

The nursery I sent DDs to comment that they rough&tumbled. They'd have been 2 and 4yo-ish. They would have weighed roughly the same as DD1 was prem and has always been slim, while DD2 was a more solid build.

I asked if it was of a level that required intervention. I directly asked 'If they were brothers would you even have commented?' The answer was no.

Kids will be kids (if you let them)

I don't hate the generalisation as such, as I presume it is statistically valid that boys will play fight more than girls. But I do hate it when it is used as an excuse for bad behaviour by parents who can't teach their children the difference between playing and hurting others.

Oh and what ages, which is also relevant.

Mine didn't playfight at age 2 and 4...or even much at age 3 and 5, because ds1 is very protective of ds2 and ds2 was very small for his age. There wouldn't have been so much of a playfight as a beating if ds1 had tried to engage him a couple of years ago, so he didn't.

Now though, ds2 is 4, has had a huge growth spurt and they're much more of an even match, even though ds1 is 6. And they do playfight, and wrestle. Which I don't really see as an indication of my lack of parenting skills - but who knows? Actual shit parents never think they're shit parents, so maybe i'm just deluded

I don't think all boys fight.

However I don't think it's all down to parenting either.

Some kids (boys and girls) are just more inclined to fight than other kids. Not because of their gender but because of their personality.

That doesn't mean their parents should let bad behaviour pass but it does mean their parents have more of an uphill battle than the parents of a naturally gentle child.

Play fighting is not "knocking seven bells out of each other", it's, well, playing at fighting ie a bit of rough and tumble

Both my DC do this (often with each other, often with other children who are also happy to join in). We step in if it looks like it will flare into something more; if it's unsuitable (wearing good clothes, in public); or one of them isn't enjoying it anymore.

I do think boys are more likely to do this than girls, but not sure if that's nature or nurture

walking I have both sexes- my oldest is 17. Is there still time for him to want to play fight do you think?

Who knows - if he wants to do it at an Olympic level. If he just wants to do it recreationally you are never too old.

Hate this generalisation. Of course it's pedalled out with regularity by the mother of the class tank, by way of explanation for his bully boy behaviour. Boring as fuck. I have two sons of my own and neither of them are rough boys. It's a load of old shit.

I had 2 boys 2 year apart
They when though phases sometimes they were great mates and sometimes they were not. Sometimes they would fight and sometimes not.

The youngest one did loads of caring for ill older brother and has never moaned about at all.

I've only ever heard the "boys will be boys" and "it's only playfighting", in response to being called into school after several parents had raised concerns about their child being on the receiving end of his play fighting.

I've seen kids start pushing each other around and fighting etc at parties or wedding dos but parents or family have stopped it as soon as it started.

Dd loves pretend fighting with her dad, uncles, grandad and myself.

merrymouse- I was replying to walkinginmemphis' question to me -she was somehow implying that she knew better than most - because she has kids at the grand old age of 6.

She wanted to know how old my kids are- that's why I said I my oldest teenager a 17 year old- and they have never indulged in the play fighting bully crap ..

The point is that there is a difference between one child attacking another and two children or a child and a parent playing at wrestling - play fighting.

Some children like 'rough' play. Some children don't like rough play. It is wrong to impose it on others and there are places where it is inappropriate. However, there is nothing intrinsically morally wrong with rough play. Many popular sports are organised rough play.

my ds 3.8 will do all this jumping about pretending to hit his friends with swords or Zap them like spiderman but he would never actually hit another child in fact he has been hit many times by my friends ds who hits everyone. but has never retaliated. so if you saw my son in the yard op you would assume he is rough and I was a poor parent!

Mine play fight all the time often DH or I are in the thick of it! Its great fun. I'm one of four (3 girls and 1 boy) and we used to have loads of games involving play fighting.

In the summer we went to an event where you were taught sword fighting - defending myself with a wooden sword against DS1 was good fun and great exercise.

I really think play fighting is normal for both boys and girls.

DS1 and DS2 never fight (and never really have).

DS2 and DD wrestle all the bloody time

Temperament outweighs sex.

Some fighting is OK. There is a level when it really isn't, though (and halfway through half term that amount is now zero!) and that should never be excused for anyone for sex-related reasons.

(Martial arts helped, BTW. I am far less worried that they'll hurt each other, and am pretty sure they will respect the 'safety word' system. And they are, sort of, practising. But it's still damned tiresome).

I have two boys and a girl. They all bundle and wrestle and play fight. Sometimes I join in too

There is lots of recent research that suggeatsthat boys and girls are different and do play differently
Boys have different needs and develop differently to girls and this is wisely recognised amongst early years professionals
Look up abcdoes blog by Alistair Bryce clegg who has lots of activities for boys
In my nursery we provide activities aimed at meeting boys needs for physical play

I hope you would have provided similar activities for my DD, insancerre as she is a wrestler/play fighter

Yes, I hope your nursery would have provided the same physical outlet for my dd, Insancerre?

I never say that phrase "boys will be boys"

My boys wrestle loads & DD was never afraid to join in.

I was a pretty rough kid in some ways, though. I was raised to find that admirable. I get impression some people raise their kids to be deliberately very physically cautious & afraid of taking risks; this would have been anathema in my upbringing.

DD went thru a phrase of having a truly poisonous tongue, and that was far meaner than any rough-play.