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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send a message to OW's boyfriend?

325 replies

SassyOlaf · 29/10/2014 12:49

I have it all typed out and ready. She had a year long affair with my 'D'H and her boyfriend is still oblivious.

I just can't bring myself to press send

I would probably be the biggest bitch in the world but then again I wish someone had had the guts to tell me what was going on. It sucks to be the last one to know and I'm tired of being the 'bigger' person

OP posts:

atoughyear · 30/10/2014 10:10

It may not be a soap opera but as the DP did the wrong thing, he should be the one to tell the boyfriend the truth. Of course he will refuse to do so because he is not a good person.

ChelsyHandy · 30/10/2014 10:54

Its the risk a person runs on having an affair surely? I mean, part of the "calculated risk" that someone makes on cheating is that they may be found out. They have already made that decision, that its worth the risk. So theres no "rules" that apply. And personally, I'd rather know if someone was cheating on me.

I probably wouldn't send it myself, but then again, who knows, in the situation?

Davsmum · 30/10/2014 11:58

You would think that once people became adults - they would have matured enough and have enough intelligence to not to act like spoiled brattish schoolkids who try to deliberately hurt someone just because they have been hurt.
Even more scary - these people are parents who influence children.

Fairenuff · 30/10/2014 12:02

I take it you wouldn't want to know then Davsmum? If your partner was cheating for a whole year and others knew about it, you would rather keep your head in the sand?

That's fine. Some people do prefer that.

Others don't. There really isn't a right or wrong, it's just a matter of personal opinion.

I don't think OP is coming back to the thread anyway, so it's all just supposition now.

Davsmum · 30/10/2014 12:06

It is not about wanting to know.
If my DP was having an affair I would not appreciate someone telling me to make themselves feel better.
I would probably expect a close family member to tell me, if they knew, because it wouldbe out of concern for me - not themselves. This is not that sort of situation.
It doesn't really matter how many people know.
If you are mostly bothered about 'how many people knew' then its not really your relationship that you are bothered about - or why things have gone wrong - You are bothered about your own pride.

Fairenuff · 30/10/2014 12:14

So are you saying that if your husband cheated on you with your friend's wife, you wouldn't want her husband to tell you. But you would want a family member to tell you?

PicaK · 30/10/2014 12:15

Don't send. This guy could be having a stressful time at work or up for promotion or dealing with parental illness etc etc. It's not your place to upset his world.

Text her instead. Say that she needs to tell him in the next month.

Original poster

SassyOlaf · 30/10/2014 12:21

I haven't sent the message yet, only because, as someone pointed out, if I send it via FB he might not see it. I could get his phone number but I haven't had the chance yet so it still hangs in the air.

I am not trying to justify this and make it seem noble or selfless, it's obviously not (well not completely as I really would rather know about something like this!)

It has taken me this long to think about contacting him only because I was trying to be dignified and classy about this and rise above it.

I'm thinking now though, why? Why should I be forced to keep their little secret, I didn't want or ask for this, I hate secrets. At least out in the open it's a weight off my mind and everyone can make of it what they will, but it won't be a burden to me anymore. I think I would gain the freedom from mentally carrying this around with me, so yes, it probably is very selfish but there you go. What would I gain from keeping the secret?

Someone said, what if it frees her up to get together with my husband again? well so be it, I'm certainly not hushing this up in the hope he stays with me, if he wants to be with her he will whatever I do.

OP posts:

guitarosauras · 30/10/2014 12:25

Tell her to tell him. It isn't your call.

Davsmum · 30/10/2014 12:25

fairenuff I am not saying I would want anyone to tell me.
I would not EXPECT anyone to tell me. If someone DID tell me - then I would prefer their motive to be genuine and not so they could feel better or to deliberately hurt me.

Seems to me that people are not so much bothered about the cheating as much as they are about people knowing before they do!

I would not even necessarily tell a friend if their partner was having an affair - I would speak to the one having the affair and give them the chance to tell their wife/husband or to stop having the affair.

Perhaps the OP could speak to the OW and warn her to tell her BF herself - Even that would be stupid though because she should be moving on !!!!

Davsmum · 30/10/2014 12:26

Oh, grow up!!

rogerlbo34 · 30/10/2014 12:30

Anyone can send me here massage im waiting for that ahhahaha :D

Fairenuff · 30/10/2014 12:31

fairenuff I am not saying I would want anyone to tell me.
I would not EXPECT anyone to tell me. If someone DID tell me - then I would prefer their motive to be genuine and not so they could feel better or to deliberately hurt me.

Okay, so I think you are saying you would rather not know, which is what I said in the first place

OP Davsmum has a point. Rather than telling him yourself, could you tell his family or close friend and ask them to tell him, so that it is coming from them rather than you?

OneSkinnyChip · 30/10/2014 12:36

I would tell the other party because I would want to know myself. I would probably do it writing of some sort.

2rebecca · 30/10/2014 12:36

You aren't "keeping their little secret" you just aren't going out of your way to communicate with a man you don't know.
If he was a close friend or family member the secret thing might hold up but I don't understand why you are going to feel better by telling a stranger their girlfriend has slept with someone else.
It sounds as though you have decided you are going to tell him anyway.

Fairenuff · 30/10/2014 12:39

Is he still friends with your dh OP? Do they still do the things they did together before, during and after the affair?

makeminered · 30/10/2014 12:42

I would want to know and I wouldn't care who told me, or their motives.

Original poster

SassyOlaf · 30/10/2014 12:50

Surely telling his friends and/or family would be worse, I thought it might be more respectful of his feelings than telling other people first.

My DH & him were never 'friends' but do move in the same circles and have plenty of mutual friends.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 30/10/2014 12:54

I would have thought it worse to tell his friends and family too but others would prefer to have family tell them, so it's your call OP. I would rather hear it from anyone just so that I knew and could make my own decisions on where to go from there.

Davsmum · 30/10/2014 13:08

Okay, so I think you are saying you would rather not know, which is what I said in the first place confused
OP Davsmum has a point. Rather than telling him yourself, could you tell his family or close friend and ask them to tell him, so that it is coming from them rather than you?
--------------
Don't be ridiculous.
I did not say I would rather not know - I said I would not expect anyone to tell me, especially when they are doing it for their own satisfaction.
I would not even blame a family member if they knew but felt they couldn't tell me. People really should keep their noses out of other peoples relationships.
Op should not be telling anyone - I think I made it clear I believed she should move on and stop trying to make herself feel better by causing more trouble! She doesn't know this man or the OW.
She has no idea what their relationship is like.
Perhaps if she concentrated on her own relationship then she may be able to sort out any problems.

GarlicGhoul · 30/10/2014 13:21

Davsmum, I can only suppose this hasn't happened to you. It's not about pride, or being more concerned about your friends than your relationship. It's finding out, immediately after your world has crashed down, that not only the partner you loved but all your friends have also been cheating on you ... Backing up his lies, pretending he stayed over with them, doing couple-y things with the pair of you while knowing you were actually part of a trio not a couple, taking care not to discuss things that involved the OW and him. They have excluded you from your own life.

It's a dreadful discovery. As I said, we forgive them because we know how complicated it is for them, but it does mean all of your relationships have changed not just the primary one.

Davsmum · 30/10/2014 13:30

That is not what the OP said happened to her.
I still do not see how turning another innocent persons life upside down is going to help her or him!

It IS a dreadful discovery - but causing more pain doesn't lessen that for you. Plus it is your unfaithful partner who has caused it all - not anyone else!
I have no idea if it has happened to me - no one told me :-)

sbm78 · 30/10/2014 13:31

I once had a lady that knew the family (my mum) knock on my door and tell me that my fiance had gotten someone else pregnant. Not the nicest experience in the world.

Fairenuff · 30/10/2014 13:37

I did not say I would rather not know - I said I would not expect anyone to tell me

But that's got nothing to do with what I asked you. I said 'I take it you wouldn't want to know then Davsmum? If your partner was cheating for a whole year and others knew about it, you would rather keep your head in the sand?'

If you wouldn't want to know, that's fine, nothing to be ashamed of, everyone has their own personal preference and will give advice based on that. Neither is right or wrong, just different perspectives.

I still do not see how turning another innocent persons life upside down is going to help her or him!

It could help in hundreds of ways. He is her boyfriend and might be contemplating marrying her one day. Or he might be like all those other cheated on partners who knew there was something wrong but just couldn't pin it down, whilst they partner lied to their face and swanned off to have sex with someone else.

Telling him gives him choices. It gives him control of his own life. Yes, it will probably hurt him but that hurt has already been done by the person who claims to love him.

Davsmum · 30/10/2014 14:32

You are not understanding what I am saying Fairenuff

It is not about keeping my head in the sand or not wanting to know.
If someone tells me - I know - If they don't then I don't. It is not something I can control. If they don't tell me I am non the wiser - If they do, then I would have the info and have to deal with it. I don't prefer one or the other.

I know many people who have or are intending marrying someone and have done things that they may not want their partner to know. I could go around telling lots of people lots of things because I THINK they should have choices. This OW may never cheat again - she may regret it. It is not for me to judge her.
Her boyfriend may want to marry her - and it may be the best thing he ever does or the worst - WE do not know.
OW may regret what she did and lover her BF very much.

There are too many things nobody knows. You do not HAVE to share what you know. One thing I do know - the motive is NEVER for anyone else's good but for your own selfish reasons.

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