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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To HATE the way my friends educate their children?

758 replies

Littlefrenchmummy · 25/10/2014 21:25

I love reading things on mumsnet, especially this section. Today I was confronted with a situation that happens so often in my life and really gets me angry... You ladies are very honest so tell me if Im being a bitch or if you would feel the same.

Today my husband and I caught up with some old friends, like us they have a 4 year old boy. From the minute we met to when we left he trantrumed. He cried for EVERYTHING and not once was disciplined. (By that I dont mean punched in the face btw, I just mean told to behave).
He cried because he could only use his bike and not his scooter (sat on the pavement and screamed for 10 mins while we waited. Eventually parents gave in).
He cried because we crossed the road before him.
He cried because we were talking.
He cried because he couldn't get juice at the restaurant even though his parents were ordering him the juice.
He stood on tables, rode his scooter in the restaurant, shouted constantly.
He wouldn't speak to my son, only watch cartoons on his parents phone, wouldn't share the crayons to draw even though he didn't want to draw.
Kicked his brothers pram while he was sleeping. Etc etc... And all his parents were saying was "OH NO, if you do this again we are going to get cross!"

I just can't bare it. Its so horrible to sit through this, you can't have a conversation, my son isn't having fun, people at the restaurant are staring. I never want to hang out with my friends again. I love them but I hate their child, or more exactly I hate the way they educate him and turn him into complete dick head.

I have so many friends like them... so so many. Some worse, some less, but the result is the same: hanging out with them is painful. People who think you dont need to educate your children, that they have 'difficult' kid who cry a lot. They think its normal that if their child screams their name in the middle of a conversation, 10x times during 1 conversation, they should always stop and say yes darling instead of teaching them not to interrupt and wait while adults are talking.

I know some children are more difficult than others and that disorders exist. One of my son's is difficult and has a terrible character, still he doesn't behave like this. If I let him he would but I dont. I also have friends who have children with disorders, but in the cases Im talking about, its just complete lack of education.

Im loosing so many friends over this. I stop answering calls and make excuses not to hang out with them because I can't tell them how to educate their children. Who can tell a mother in the face that you dont like their child's behaviour? How awkward would that be?

We have made such a cut in our friends and now I am so picky. it sucks !
But why aren't people educating their children to behave?

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way or do other parents feel like this?

OP posts:
LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 25/10/2014 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

southeastastra · 25/10/2014 22:00

i feel a bit for the kid he is just four. maybe your friends are at the end of their tether, couldn't you just cut them some slack, feel sorry for the parents and the kid. not for op though. it's quite easy to judge others until you are in a similar position.

wooooosualsuspect · 25/10/2014 22:00

I hate these fucking smug parenting threads.

RandomMess · 25/10/2014 22:01

I am so much more tolerant of any behaviour when you can see that the parent is actively trying to teach/educte their child.

Eg. toddlers going through a horrific hitting of other children phase.

Parent 1. Watched child like hawk 8/10 managed to intervene prior to hitting occuring, if didn't succeed "told" off child.

Parent 2. Did nothing, comments such as "they're all as bad as each other". My child ended up terrified of said toddler - used to scream (speech delay) everytime he got within hitting distance after a few weeks of his hitting phase.

I had a millions time more tolerance towards Parent 1 and child funnily enough although my child was probably on the receiving end of as many whacks from each of them tbh.

Annunziata · 25/10/2014 22:02

Its not smug to say you try and control your children's behaviour, it is normal and the sooner more people agree the better!

GritStrength · 25/10/2014 22:02

Well OP you're viewing things by French standards which has, shall I say, a different starting expectation for children. So your range of reasonable will be different to your friends.

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 25/10/2014 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuckyLopez · 25/10/2014 22:03

I love them but I hate their child, or more exactly I hate the way they educate him and turn him into complete dick head.

I hope you're not my friend! it's not me but still! you sound awful

southeastastra · 25/10/2014 22:03

sounds like the kid needs to just get out to the park too rather than be stifled in a restaurant. people expect so much from children who are so little, it's a bit daft expecting them to behave to adult standards when they are still so small. :(

Tryharder · 25/10/2014 22:05

Why don't you write a parenting book?

goingmadinthecountry · 25/10/2014 22:05

YANBU. It's unbearable. Manners matter - you can be a much more relaxed parent once you know your children know how to behave.

wooooosualsuspect · 25/10/2014 22:06

It's the smug 'well my children would never behave like that' posts that piss me off.

newnamenewnom · 25/10/2014 22:06

You can bet that some of these parents will be really suffering at home and maybe desperate for someone to help them. You don't become used to it. It's easy to tell someone what to do but would you be willing to show them what to do?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/10/2014 22:07

Why is it smug to think it is not good parenting to give into tantrums, or to allow all sorts of bad behaviour? I don't think it is smug to believe that a child should not be allowed to ride their scooter in a restaurant, or to scream and shout.

Why is it smug to think that a child whose every tantrum gets given in to, is only going to learn that tantrums work, and that this is not a sensible parenting choice?

It is as if having nicely behaved children is some sort of sin, as if teaching children how to behave in a civilised fashion, that will stand them in good stead as they grow up, and as adults, is somehow a direct insult to other parents. Baffling.

wooooosualsuspect · 25/10/2014 22:07

I wouldn't call a 4 year old a dickhead.

I do feel a little smug about that.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/10/2014 22:07

The most ineffective is the parents who issue a threat they're never going to follow through on. Renders it, and future threats pointless.
Eg. I once drove my family plus my sisters family to the beach. Dn throwing sand, so my sister says 'stop doing that or we'll go home.' Um, no you won't cos I'm driving. Sure enough dn continued to throw sand.

TheBigBumTheory · 25/10/2014 22:08

I think it's pretty much taboo to tell other people how to deal with their children, unless they're asking for advice directly.

NickiFury · 25/10/2014 22:08

Me too wooooooo.

My dc behave horribly. My dd only today was hitting me and screaming at me in the middle of London, telling me to shut up and calling me names. When her brother tried to protect me she went for him too. She also tells us all to be quiet so she can speak when we are all in a group. It's because she has ASD and can't cope with multiple interactions. She looks totally "normal" though. I daresay you'd all be thinking what horrible children they are and what a crappy ineffectual parent I am.

SirChenjin · 25/10/2014 22:08

A parenting book which advises that you don't stand by and let your 4 year old DC tantrum for 10 minutes, or scoot around a restaurant, or stand on tables, or cry because parents are talking? What a fantastic idea! You could call it something like "Basic Parenting" or "Parenting The Obvious Way"

Littlefrenchmummy · 25/10/2014 22:09

Im really not trying to be smug..Im really trying to assess f my standards are too high or if people are just getting really relaxed with manners.

Its really hard to judge whats right from wrong? ( I Know there is no right and wrong in parenting and every child is different but there are some limits sometimes?)

I like all your opinions its interesting to know some people think this behaviour is ok. I felt so angry today, I really wanted my son to have a nice time and catch up with my friends whom I like and it was instead really hard.

Thanks for all your honest opinions :) X

OP posts:
NotYouNaanBread · 25/10/2014 22:09

YANBU. I know parents like this too and it is mind-boggling and makes it impossible to be around.

As an aside, the only parents I know who are like this are English, and the only parents I know who are shocked by it (and don't tolerate that sort of carry-on in their own children) are not English. *disclaimer: I'm not English.

NickiFury · 25/10/2014 22:11

The thing is though, everyone who days my child would never behave like that because I wouldn't allow it don't take into account that there's a lot more to it than their perfect parenting skills. Children have different personalities, different family dynamics, what works for you might not work for them. Just find these attitudes so smug.

LuckyLopez · 25/10/2014 22:11

As an aside, the only parents I know who are like this are English,

Are you fucking kidding me?

Shit stirring is what that is!!

wooooosualsuspect · 25/10/2014 22:12

Yeah mine had tantrums, sometimes they were little horrors.

I wouldn't expect a 4 year old to sit still in a restaurant for hours while adults chatted either.

SirChenjin · 25/10/2014 22:12

Oh I don't know Not - I've seen some pretty awful behaviour from children of other nationalities too.