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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To HATE the way my friends educate their children?

758 replies

Littlefrenchmummy · 25/10/2014 21:25

I love reading things on mumsnet, especially this section. Today I was confronted with a situation that happens so often in my life and really gets me angry... You ladies are very honest so tell me if Im being a bitch or if you would feel the same.

Today my husband and I caught up with some old friends, like us they have a 4 year old boy. From the minute we met to when we left he trantrumed. He cried for EVERYTHING and not once was disciplined. (By that I dont mean punched in the face btw, I just mean told to behave).
He cried because he could only use his bike and not his scooter (sat on the pavement and screamed for 10 mins while we waited. Eventually parents gave in).
He cried because we crossed the road before him.
He cried because we were talking.
He cried because he couldn't get juice at the restaurant even though his parents were ordering him the juice.
He stood on tables, rode his scooter in the restaurant, shouted constantly.
He wouldn't speak to my son, only watch cartoons on his parents phone, wouldn't share the crayons to draw even though he didn't want to draw.
Kicked his brothers pram while he was sleeping. Etc etc... And all his parents were saying was "OH NO, if you do this again we are going to get cross!"

I just can't bare it. Its so horrible to sit through this, you can't have a conversation, my son isn't having fun, people at the restaurant are staring. I never want to hang out with my friends again. I love them but I hate their child, or more exactly I hate the way they educate him and turn him into complete dick head.

I have so many friends like them... so so many. Some worse, some less, but the result is the same: hanging out with them is painful. People who think you dont need to educate your children, that they have 'difficult' kid who cry a lot. They think its normal that if their child screams their name in the middle of a conversation, 10x times during 1 conversation, they should always stop and say yes darling instead of teaching them not to interrupt and wait while adults are talking.

I know some children are more difficult than others and that disorders exist. One of my son's is difficult and has a terrible character, still he doesn't behave like this. If I let him he would but I dont. I also have friends who have children with disorders, but in the cases Im talking about, its just complete lack of education.

Im loosing so many friends over this. I stop answering calls and make excuses not to hang out with them because I can't tell them how to educate their children. Who can tell a mother in the face that you dont like their child's behaviour? How awkward would that be?

We have made such a cut in our friends and now I am so picky. it sucks !
But why aren't people educating their children to behave?

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way or do other parents feel like this?

OP posts:
wooooosualsuspect · 25/10/2014 22:44

I hate the culture of slagging off other peoples parenting on MN.

It's horrible.

SirChenjin · 25/10/2014 22:44

And yet again - smug = not allowing your child to behave in the way that the OP described? In which case, I'm smug and proud.

SirChenjin · 25/10/2014 22:45

I hate the culture of slagging off other peoples parenting on MN

Oh, the irony Grin

CalamitouslyWrong · 25/10/2014 22:45

Now, I'm all for non-judgemental approaches to parenting. But some parenting is just unacceptable. I think we can all judge parents who would let their child ride a scooter in a restaurant because that is never unavoidable. That's not struggling to get them to sit still, or dealing with a tantrum, or any of the other stuff that might happen to anyone. That's just being the kind of arsehole that doesn't care about anyone else.

Pipbin · 25/10/2014 22:47

Who lets a 4 year old ride a scooter in a restaurant?

Exactly. This should not be acceptable ever. The opposite of this is not sitting and discussing the gold standard or politics.

southeastastra · 25/10/2014 22:47

lol at the kids modifying thier behaviour, it's all a bit sad really for all our kids. adult expectations, i wonder if any parents on here remember what they were like at the same age

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 25/10/2014 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nooka · 25/10/2014 22:48

My ds behaved terribly in restaurants (and many other places for that matter) when he was around this age. He found sitting still and waiting incredibly difficult. If he didn't have sufficient warning about change he would cry and might well tantrum (except his tantrums were much more like meltdowns, could easily last an hour and could not be stopped by nasty stares or threats of going home).

I would have found it incredibly stressful to spend time socially with a more 'perfect' family who I felt were judging me and would probably have caved on a whole load of fronts in an attempt to stop things from escalating. Our solution was not to 'educate' him, and if I thought that another parent thought he was a 'dickhead' I would have dropped them very fast instead. What an incredibly unpleasant and inappropriate way to describe a small child.

We managed such situations by not going to restaurants for a few years until he was able to cope better. dd on the other hand had no problems and behaved very nicely, sitting still was never an issue for her (although she was incredibly fussy and so didn't enjoy eating out very much). They are both teens now and just fine, both have perfectly good manners and are happy to discuss current affairs and other adult matters.

SirChenjin · 25/10/2014 22:48

I remember exactly what I was like at 4, and I remember exactly what was expected of me when he came to not scooting round restaurants, standing on tables and screaming. Do you?

wooooosualsuspect · 25/10/2014 22:48

God help anyone who asks for parenting advice on here.

They would just get told they are shit parents.

CalamitouslyWrong · 25/10/2014 22:48

Southeast: have you actually read the literature of the effects of different parenting practices?

It's not smug to recognise that some things are just unacceptable. It would be unacceptable to allow your child to run round a restaurant stabbing other diners with a fork. It makes not difference what kind of bad day you are having, or what issues your child might have. You stop them or leave if they're stabbing people. Riding a scooter is in much the same category.

Troublesometrucker · 25/10/2014 22:49

I really don't think woooosual suspect is saying the behaviour is fine...

are you Wooo??

I read her posts as just pointing out that her kids grew up ok despite her not conforming to the (apparent) MN parenting techniques of leaving restaurants and parties if her kid misbehaved a bit.

She also seems to suggest that she only took her kid to age appropriate activities that would interest them... Which is fine, isn't it?

Fwiw: I take my kids to restaurants, bar the one who goes high as a kite. I try to avoid them with him and have to be really careful about what I allow him to eat there... Or we do end up with one of us (DH or me leaving early with him)

SirChenjin · 25/10/2014 22:50

They would just get told they are shit parents

Or smug parents.

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 25/10/2014 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annunziata · 25/10/2014 22:51

i wonder if any parents on here remember what they were like at the same age

My favourite memories are our family all sitting down together for dinner. I'm number 7 of 8 and my dad had to work all the hours God sent so it was a Sunday we all used to be together, just one day of the week, and that meal was so special. And we did behave, believe you me!

tethersend · 25/10/2014 22:52

I made fuck all effort with DD1 and people would cross the restaurant to congratulate me on my child's impeccable manners.

DD2, despite my best efforts, spent most of our last restaurant trip throwing chips across the restaurant, sticking peas up her nose and singing "If You're Happy and You Know It" at the top of her voice before dissolving into uncontrollable fits of screaming because her sister had a bigger ice cube than her.

Do I win £5?

southeastastra · 25/10/2014 22:52

calamity i am a play speciality i can not for different pareing practices (whatever they are)

i just know that kids need to be kids and need to play and we're not doing enough of that for them now. we are expecting too much from them and it's going to be determinental to them in the long run.

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 25/10/2014 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wooooosualsuspect · 25/10/2014 22:53

They are social creatures in age appropriate settings.

Not in restaurants,not at 4 years old.

CalamitouslyWrong · 25/10/2014 22:55

Adults have always had behavioural expectations of children. It's part of socialisation, which has been a big part of childhood since there was such a thing as children and childhood.

Our parents had expectations of us, and there were consequences if we didn't behave within the bounds of acceptable behaviour for whatever situation. My grandparents had expectations of my parents. And so in, back through the generations.

Generally, people expect different behaviour from 4 year olds than adults. The thing is, those who insist that any behaviour, no matter how antisocial, is ok for 4 year olds are doing everyone (of every age) a disservice. That kind of attitude makes it ok to hate children and want to ban them from 'adult spaces' because they scream and behave badly and that makes life harder for everyone. The thing is, what everyone actually wants is for really crappy parents to stay at home. If people didn't let their children run riot (or left when everything got too much) people would generally be tolerant of normal 4 year old behaviour.

chocolatecrispies · 25/10/2014 22:55

Wow what a horrible smug thread. Maybe those parents were so ineffectual because they were stressed by you looking down your nose at them and criticising their son's behaviour? Lunch at an adult restaurant with 4 year olds is not a child friendly plan, whether there was ice cream or not. Children grow up and as they do they become able to sit quietly and chat, they do not need to be frightened into it at age 4 for that to happen.

And for all of those who say your children 'wouldn't dare' behave like that - you do realise you are saying you have scared your children into sitting quietly? My aim for my children is not for them to be permanently frightened of me, I don't think that is a ideal way to learn and develop. In this case I would not expect to sit at a restaurant and chat with friends with my 4-year-old present, if I want to chat I meet up without children. There will be time in the future to sit with my children in restaurants when I would not have to scare them into sitting still.

Annunziata · 25/10/2014 22:56

When are you supposed to take them to restaurants then? When they are 12? Families and food go together, there's no reason to not take your 4 year old to a restaurant.

wooooosualsuspect · 25/10/2014 22:56

No tethers you win a 100 quid for being normal.

Jefferson · 25/10/2014 22:56

I'm really surprise more people haven't commented on the 'dickhead' comment. (Don't blame her being French!)
On any other thread OP would have been pounced on for that by everyoneConfused

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 25/10/2014 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.